Friends with the opposite sex while married.

[Draka]

Well obviously I don't believe there is anything wrong with having friends of either gender for either partner. I've had a few best friends through my life that have been guys, and I always seem to get along better with men than women. If a couple is truly commited to each other then it shouldn't make any difference if they have friends of any particular gender. If the trust is there, there is nothing to worry about.

Honestly, I think that if someone really has problems with the idea of themselves or their partner having friends of the opposite sex then there are probably some deep seated insecurity and trust issues that they have never faced.

 

[cardero]

About 10 years ago I befriended an older woman at the New York State Thruway. The initial catalyst to this friendship began when she noticed I was drawing a colored charcoal of a Siamese Cat in my toll booth between cars. She admitted that she too was an artist and brought in a modest portfolio of her artwork for me to look at. This commonality was the beginning to what led to a long lasting friendship. She was married (at the time, I was not) and her husband was the head of the New York Division of Thruway affairs (he was everyone’s boss). I began stopping into her booth before every shift (always asking her permission) and we would talk about art, music, books, spirituality and we basically found out we had a lot in common.

Sometimes we would go out to breakfast in the morning or meet at a restaurant for lunch. She even asked me over to her house for dinner (much to her husband’s confusion and dismay). Other outings were handled publicly, in that we would invite other Thruway collectors for events like movies or concerts. Eventually people began to talk and rumours began to fly and I had people sitting me down to tell me to be careful about this relationship. It really didn’t deter us.

I owe this woman a great deal because she taught me about love and friendship and that it did not have to cross into the realm of being physical or that it had to be enacted and composed by what everyone thought it should be. There were no expectations and all we had to do was be attentive and be ourselves. There was one incident that came very close but it never really materialized and there were no regrets from either one of us for not taking advantage of the moment.

Over the years when I transferred away to work at other stations, I noticed that she was always there for me. She appeared not only at my son’s funeral but also attended my mother’s funeral. I guess that this would identify for me what real friends are. They are always there for you and when they are not there, you can always feel their presence and tell when they are thinking about you. I will never have another relationship like her but I can take what she taught me about love and friendship and incorporate it into my other relationships. These kind of relationships are very real for me.

A little back ground information on this co-worker. While our relationship was developing, I was getting the impression from her that things were not well with her marriage or not as well as she may have hoped. Her husband and her really did not have all that in common and I do not think he may have encouraged or recognized her worth. She may not have been given that much attention at home and was not very social or active at work to encourage friendships. I believe I was a special consideration. I was a good listener, I was an active participant to any conversation and I think she was very comfortable around me.

As the relationship came along further, she began to openly and honestly express her feelings towards me and even though there was no reason to enact on them, they were mutual and understanding.

The underlying aspect to any successful relationship is the respect that is given to the situation. In the one incident that came close we both could have given in to our base desires but it probably would have been thoughtless to the others involved. When one is involved in a relationship that includes someone who is married, everyones feelings should be considered and included.

 

[+Xausted]

i have male friends so i am not against other sex friendships. but for me there is a difference.
for example up until a year ago my (now ) husband and i had seperate houses. when i went on a night out sometimes girlfriends would stay over. one sometimes shared my bed. i would never have done that with a male friend though.
i think it is the difference that makes it ok....on depending on the line drawn between.

 

[PureX]

This is being discusses as though the terms are absolute, and they are not. Would it be OK for a married person and their friend of the opposite sex to say, go on vacation together? Or to go to an event of some mutual interest that involves being gone over a night or weekend?

I think you all are being somewhat naive and idealistic. Of course it is possible for such friendships to work out. But it's just as possible that such friendships will end in ruining one or both friend's marriages. It happens every day. And it happens exactly as the scenario is being discussed, here, and by people who did not intend for it to happen. It's not about trust. It's about responsibility. It's about understanding that for all the good intentions, human beings are weak when it comes to sexual attraction, and we often do things that we never meant to do going in. And we aren't going to know going in that we will end up being one of the weak ones. I can say with complete assurance that SOME of you who are boasting of your iron will and self-control, now, will be the one who fails when the crucial moment comes. And neither you nor I know exactly which ones of you that will be.

 

[Scott C.]

Is there anything wrong with being friends with the opposite sex while married or in a long term serious relationship?

Here's my view with a little background. My beliefs say that adultery is one of the worst things you can do. You can repent and be forgiven, but that doesn't change the fact that it's bad. All of my romantic affections and flirtations should be reserved solely for my spouse. If I flirt or show romantic interest in someone else, I have sinned, even if I don't actually have sex with that person. It's not adultery, but it's a form of unfaithfulness. I even need to go beyond how I act and talk, and also control my thoughts and keep them faithful to my wife. So, do these convictions keep me from being friends with women other than my wife? Of course not. There are many women I consider to be my friends. Most of my female friends are married and my wife and I are friends with the couple together. We go to dinner or movies together, etc. Now, I would never consider going to a movie alone with the wife from one of these couples. I would consider it inappropriate. There are some women with whom I am friends and my wife does not know them. Mostly that would be at work. I don't go to lunch alone with a female friend at work. I'm not comfortable with it and only go in groups. If I were in a boss/subordinate relationship and felt it necessary to give equal time for the career, I would be ok with it. If I'm required to travel with a woman for business then, of course, we eat together and spend some time alone. It feels weird, but I do it. I would consider it risky to develop a personal friendship, including time alone together with dinners and movies, with a female and not feel that I crossed the line from friendship into a degree of romantic interest. Even if it didn't start that way, it can evolve over time. Even though I have been married for 26 years and have no interest in pursuing a new romantic relationship and have a very strong bond of trust with my wife, I would not go down that path. I have friends who have done so and ended up in bed with the woman and with many regrets and a heart broken wife.

 

[blackout]

I'm bi. Should I end all my friendships for the sake of a relationship?

LOL Storm!

When you tend to be attracted fully to everyone you love,
and you are a very loving person like I am,
also Bi in nature...

then you are not to have any friends?

Better then, not to have a spouse.

V

 

[Nanda]

Would it be OK for a married person and their friend of the opposite sex to say, go on vacation together? Or to go to an event of some mutual interest that involves being gone over a night or weekend?

I have. Several times, in fact. But it's not an issue in my marriage, nor in my family. My father goes on trips with my two aunts (my mother's sisters) at least once a year to visit my uncle in Minnesota - my mother stays behind because she doesn't like to fly. No one questions this. Papersock and I go to out-of-state comic conventions - my husband stays home because they don't interest him - and no one questions this. But that's my family - we don't tend to focus on gender. And like Storm, I'm also a bisexual, so if my husband didn't trust me, I'd never be able to go anywhere overnight, with a friend of either sex. I refuse to live that way, and fortunately, I married a man who wouldn't try to make me.

 

[mrscardero]

I have an ex-husband who I am friends with. We keep in touch to talk about my ex-mother-in-law who has alzhimers and how he is doing. If I spelled that wrong, I apologize as I am trying to get ready for work and don't have much time to stay on line. When my ex went to the Philippines for a vacation, we met at a diner for brunch so he can give me some things that he got for me from my country. Is there anything wrong with this relationship?

I don't think so. My ex and I have a friendship. Our marriage ended a long time ago. The love is different. My love for cardero is truthful and understanding. WE have an understanding. There is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex. There should be no fear or secrecy.

Trust discussed as fear. What I mean is. It's discussed that that person trusts their partner, but doesn't feel that it's ok to be friends with the opposite sex in fear of being unfaithful. Right there, there is no trust.

I have no fear in cardero being unfaithful because we have an understanding from the start. As I have mentioned in the other thread, I do not own cardero. cardero and I do not own each other and we have no say on how to run each others lives.

I do not choose what occupation cardero should have. I do not tell cardero what time to eat or when to sleep (I ask). I do not tell cardero where he should spends his money and when not to buy things. I cannot tell cardero who he can be friends with and whom to talk too. I welcome the opportunity for him to seek friendship whether it be with the same sex or not. As it was mentioned in the other thread. cardero has more in common with the opposite sex then he does with the same sex.

I have no fear in cardero ever coming to a point where he will stop loving me. I will always have cardero's unconditional love. I have no fear in me not being mrscardero. Even though cardero is my husband, he is also my bestfriend. I will always be there for him no matter what.

I would get along with those of the opposite sex because I have more in common with them. Actually I have alot in common with both sexes.

[QUOTE-Storm]I'm bi. Should I end all my friendships for the sake of a relationship? [/quote]

So am I. And I don't mean bi-lingual And the answer to that question is no.

When you tend to be attracted fully to everyone you love,
and you are a very loving person like I am,
also Bi in nature...

then you are not to have any friends?

Better then, not to have a spouse.

You took the words right out of my mouth. :flirt:

 

[Sunstone]

Nope. My best friend is a man, and my husband's best friend is a woman, and it's really not an issue.

My best friends are a man and woman who are a couple, Nanda.

Most weeks, I spend considerable time with each of them together and separately. Unfortunately, we're as close as family to each other. Worse, in all the years we've known each other, I don't recall my being close friends with the woman ever creating any issues for any one of us.

So, I reckon the three of us are doing something wrong because there appears to be no jealousy, suspicion, or tension between us. And I was wondering what we should be doing to create the sort of immature high school dynamics that ought to be par for the course in such relationships?

 

[Nanda]

My best friends are a man and woman who are a couple, Nanda.

Most weeks, I spend considerable time with each of them together and separately. Unfortunately, we're as close as family to each other. Worse, in all the years we've known each other, I don't recall my being close friends with the woman ever creating any issues for any one of us.

So, I reckon the three of us are doing something wrong because there appears to be no jealousy, suspicion, or tension between us. And I was wondering what we should be doing to create the sort of immature high school dynamics that ought to be par for the course in such relationships?

You need to start wearing more low-cut blouses and tight pants that show off your bulge. That ought to shake things up.

 

[mrscardero]

This is being discusses as though the terms are absolute, and they are not. Would it be OK for a married person and their friend of the opposite sex to say, go on vacation together? Or to go to an event of some mutual interest that involves being gone over a night or weekend?

I think you all are being somewhat naive and idealistic. Of course it is possible for such friendships to work out. But it's just as possible that such friendships will end in ruining one or both friend's marriages. It happens every day. And it happens exactly as the scenario is being discussed, here, and by people who did not intend for it to happen. It's not about trust. It's about responsibility. It's about understanding that for all the good intentions, human beings are weak when it comes to sexual attraction, and we often do things that we never meant to do going in. And we aren't going to know going in that we will end up being one of the weak ones. I can say with complete assurance that SOME of you who are boasting of your iron will and self-control, now, will be the one who fails when the crucial moment comes. And neither you nor I know exactly which ones of you that will be.

You are right.
It's about trust. But if you do not trust that person you are with why are you with them?

It's about understanding. If there is understanding, then there is no reason why you cannot trust that person.

You say human beings are weak when it comes to sexual attractions. Humans also have streingth.

For myself boasting of iron will and self control, has been through this and has not failed, for cardero and I (as I have mentioned before) started our relationship with UNDERSTANDING.

 

[Sunstone]

You need to start wearing more low-cut blouses and tight pants that show off your bulge. That ought to shake things up.

Great idea! I was also thinking about unfavorably comparing one friend to the other in front of both friends at a holiday meal like Thanksgiving. Would that have any chance of working?

 

[blackout]

You need to start wearing more low-cut blouses and tight pants that show off your bulge. That ought to shake things up.

Are you kidding Nanda?

This is Sunstone you're talking about.

They always visit/socialize/share
ie.. do everything in the nude.
You should know that by now?:tsk:

(and sometimes on trampolines!)

 

[Nanda]

Great idea! I was also thinking about unfavorably comparing one friend to the other in front of both friends at a holiday meal like Thanksgiving. Would that have any chance of working?

Oh yeah! Especially if you rate them on a 1-10 scale of hottness.

 

[Nanda]

Are you kidding Nanda?

This is Sunstone you're talking about.

They always visit/socialize/share
ie.. do everything in the nude.
You should know that by now?:tsk:

(and sometimes on trampolines!)

*smacks forehead* Of course, what was I thinking? Well in that case, he should scandalize them by bundling up in a cableknit sweater and loose-fitting pants.

 

[blackout]

OMG!

Sunstone ... that's it!

Put your clothing back on!
Then you can all be anxious and immature
about the thought of taking it off!

That should fix your problem.

(do you own any clothing sunstone?)

 

[Sunstone]

Oh yeah! Especially if you rate them on a 1-10 scale of hottness.

Consider it done!

 

[Sunstone]

Are you kidding Nanda?

This is Sunstone you're talking about.

They always visit/socialize/share
ie.. do everything in the nude.
You should know that by now?:tsk:

(and sometimes on trampolines!)

I've gone to nude resorts with the woman without her partner being along to chaperon us and even that failed to create tensions between the three of us. The three of us are clearly doing something wrong here. I can only imagine what we're missing out on by not cultivating our jealousy and suspicions.

 

[Draka]

I still say it is about trust. Trust in your partner and trust in yourself. It is about security.

When I was still married to my ex-husband I was out at the laundromat and ran into a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while. We decided that when our laundry was done we'd head over to this restaurant and have something to eat and catch up and just visit nicely for a while. Now, had this friend been female this would not have been an issue for my ex, but since this friend was male my ex had a fit. He said that it was a "date" and that I was cheating on him. Granted though, my ex was a very possessive and jealous person anyway and just talking to a guy in passing seemed to illicit accusations of me being a cheap whore.

That relationship had trust issues...he didn't trust me, but that wasn't because of anything I did. It was because of his own insecurites and need to be the center of my attention. Honestly, I don't think he trusted anyone. Very paranoid man he was.

Luckily, turk is not like that at all. Given the same scenario, me running into an old friend who happened to be male, not only wouldn't it not bother him, but he said he'd even hand me $20 to go out and get something to eat and visit with my friend a while.

I don't see the difference between grabbing a burger and chatting for an hour with Jodi, Brandy, Chalet, Ed, Vince, Matt, or Kenny.

 

[Starfish]

I completely agree with PureX and Scott.

Can you think of one case of adultery that started out intentionally? Every time they will say, "It just happened." "We didn't plan it." "I never intended for this to happen." You hear this constantly. The reason infidelity happens is because people put themselves into situations where it starts. They are over confident with their own strengths.
If you really value your marriage--protect it! Stay away from anything potentially dangerous.

True humility is acknowledging that we are all weak and vulnerable. No one is exempt from temptation, and if we test the limits again and again, we are bound to slip. Why risk this?

I have male friends also. But everyone of them is also my husband's friend and if I ever do any thing socially with one of these friends, there is always a 3rd person along--usually my husband, or the friend's wife.