Why do some people seem to be unable

[ChristineM]

Why does it seem to be so that some people have difficulty forgive others for their mistakes or wrongdoing?
Sometimes it even looks like people get upset if someone forgives others. Why is this?

I give people one chance, they may have made an error. Forgiveness? nothing to forgive.

If they repeat that error then chances are they will continue repeating it again and again, forgiveness for repeat wrongdoing is not an option.

 

[stvdv]

Why does it seem to be so that some people have difficulty forgive others for their mistakes or wrongdoing?

I have no problem to forgive others for making mistakes. I did not know others had a problem with that.

But I do know that people who did wrong to others, and when confronted with it, have a huge problem to acknowledge, even bigger problem to say sorry, and asking the other to forgive him, I think I never heard someone do that. They rather avoid you for some time, hoping you forgot about it.

 

[Spirit of Light]

I have no problem to forgive others for making mistakes. I did not know others had a problem with that.

But I do know that people who did wrong to others, and when confronted with it, have a huge problem to acknowledge, even bigger problem to say sorry, and asking the other to forgive him, I think I never heard someone do that. They rather avoid you for some time hoping you forgot about it.

Last time it happened to me I think I surprised the person who asked for forgiveness He was already forgiven so no need to ask for it all he could say was. UMMM What

 

[stvdv]

If they repeat that error then chances are they will continue repeating it again and again, forgiveness for repeat wrongdoing is not an option.

That's also my experience.

To forgive someone, he first has to ask you to forgive him. Usually the type repeating the error never say sorry let alone asking to be forgiven; that is my experience.

 

[stvdv]

Last time it happened to me I think I surprised the person who asked for forgiveness He was already forgiven so no need to ask for it all he could say was. UMMM What

You failed to see my point

 

[stvdv]

He was already forgiven so no need to ask for it

You failed to see my point

You rated my reply funny. I was serious. So indeed you missed the point

 

[Windwalker]

This reply is too general, and there are thousands of scenarios within which this is simply not applicable.

For instance? Can you give me one or two examples?

This reads to me like one of those mostly worthless "spiritual" meanderings.

It's not worthless. It's the truth. How can someone forgive another, if they are unable to forgive themselves? I am speaking of true, genuine forgiveness. I do not mean, "I'll give you a pass this time". That's not forgiveness. You can forgive someone, even if they are unrepentant. I'm talking true forgiveness, which is unconditional.

Forgiveness is something that originates inside of us. It's like happiness that way. Others don't externally make you happy. Happiness arises from inside of us. It is not dependent on the others actions. Compassion, and forgiveness, is something that has to arise from within yourself. It's a self-knowledge. It is known by experiencing it. It's a heartfelt experience. It's emotionally experienced and known. It's not primarily a cognitive choice, but an emotional choice.

Okay, so now, when I say you cannot truly forgive someone unless you are able to do that for yourself, is because if you can't forgive yourself for your own shortfalls, where do you think that forgiveness to forgive others is going to come from? If you cannot accept your own sins and hold them with forgiveness towards yourself, you truly cannot accept them in others either. You judge others, as you judge yourself. Likewise, you love others as you love yourself.

Forgiveness begins at home. Peace begins at home. It's just the way we work. And sure, that can sound like "magic" to someone who may not know what that looks like, but it's not. It's just the way we are wired. And folks who have done their dues trying to understand what does and doesn't work for us emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, pretty much all say the same things in different ways.

It's really not magical at all. It's kind of common sense, once you look beneath the covers a little bit and rummage around in there.

One of those things that, after hearing it, all the gullible types will look around the room as if they have reached some wise, common "understanding", nodding and humming appreciation for the wisdom to one another. When all the while it is claptrap - specious - only meant to gain "likes" from your peers.

I have no idea what this fictitious scenario is, but it's not about "humming appreciation for the wisdom to one another". It's about basic human empathy. If we hold ourselves in disdain, we will do the same to others. Someone who criticizes others for all their faults, do fifty times that much to themselves first. That's why they are doing it to others, to try to take some of that constant self-attacking they are doing beneath the covers, and distract themselves by seeing others flaws instead.

So, if we stop doing that, if we can see that we are just as flawed as we see others as, when we are able to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, then we will understand what love means. Then, we can see others as ourselves, hold them with the same compassion and understanding, have empathy for them, then we will love them. We forgive them, even if they are still blind to their own shortcomings as we had been ourselves.

Everything I am saying is coming from my own experiences. These are not theoretical ideas. I'm simply trying to explain what I have realized the deeper beneath the covers we go. This is reality.

 

[Spirit of Light]

You rated my reply funny. I was serious. So indeed you missed the point

sorry if I misunderstood you, was not meant to make fun of you.

 

[TransmutingSoul]

sorry if I misunderstood you, was not meant to make fun of you.

You will be forgiven

Regards Tony

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

Why does it seem to be so that some people have difficulty forgive others for their mistakes or wrongdoing?
Sometimes it even looks like people get upset if someone forgives others. Why is this?

I certainly can't answer the question as you asked it. Why people do or don't do many things is often a mystery to me.

The one thing I can say, though, is that it took me quite a while to learn about the power of forgiveness (and even as an atheist, I maintain that it has great power). It took a lot of thought and insight for me to give up my anger about my past, and to realize that troubled people who probably had less help than I did were responsible. But in the moment that I knew in my heart that I forgave it all, I was free. I was lighter by half, I could focus on the future, I could look forward with hope, and I could look back without rancour so that I could remember and savour all the good stuff.

Now, because of that, if somebody hurts me and is genuinely regretful for it, I find it very easy to forgive. And if I am hurtful to someone else, and I understand how I have been hurtful, I am genuinely regretful, and hope for their forgiveness, but even without, I am still able to forgive myself. (I bet many people will find that last statement gratuitous, but it's honest.)

 

[stvdv]

I give people one chance, they may have made an error. Forgiveness? nothing to forgive.

Took me a long time to realize this.

I started out with giving people 5000 chances. After many years I finally discovered that to give people 1 chance works best for me.

If they repeat that error then chances are they will continue repeating it again and again, forgiveness for repeat wrongdoing is not an option.

I agree. Very good point, nicely said.

Repeat error means repeat disrespect (I imagine you explained it once to them, so that the 2nd won't be an error; like you said repeat wrongdoing)

If I would allow them to repeat error with me, means I have no respect for myself. Not healthy attitude I learned the hard way.

If I would allow wrondoing, it even means I don't respect them, because I don't give them the opportunity to correct themselves

 

[The Kilted Heathen]

A question: why is forgiveness required or expected?

 

[stvdv]

A question: why is forgiveness required or expected?

Good question.

IMO:
1) If one believes that God created everything AND that only God is 'the doer' and responsible for everything, then forgiveness is a silly concept; 'you' will never hurt others.

2) If one is Self Realized AND not seeing errors (only see purity), then the forgiveness concept is not even existing. You won't hurt others.

3) If on the other hand one holds people responsible for their own actions, then the concept of forgiveness enters the scene

If I hurt someone and the person "tells" me, then I say sorry. If I hurted him on a deep level, then I feel it is even more appropriate to ask him to forgive me.

Why is this important to me?
If I have no compassion or empathy (or not aware of my conscience), I would probably not see it as important.

But I do have compassion and empathy, so for me this process of "say sorry and asking to forgive me" is important.

It is nor only important to me, but also to the other. it is especially important if I want to keep an open, healthy, respectful relationship with the other.

Without saying sorry after I hurt someone, I show no respect, act irresponsible, show no compassion and no empathy, trash his feelings. If that person is smart (and has some amount of self respect) he decides to never talk to me again.

Coming to your question. It is not so much about being forgiven (forgiveness). That is a bonus. Harm is done, showing remorse is appropriate now.

So it is all about asking to be forgiven.

Because thereby I show understanding and take his feelings serious (that I hurted him AND that he feels pain), I show humility and remorse, and I take full responsibility for hurting the other (emotionally). And this is needed to keep the relationship healthy.

 

[Spirit of Light]

A question: why is forgiveness required or expected?

I would not say it is required, But when we forgive someone for something they said or did , we see that when we hold anger or irritation toward someone we suffer from it, but as soon we are able to forgive, the anger goes away and we can feel happy and free again.

 

[ChristineM]

I would not say it is required, But when we forgive someone for something they said or did , we see that when we hold anger or irritation toward someone we suffer from it, but as soon we are able to forgive, the anger goes away and we can feel happy and free again.

Doesn't work that way for me. Once could be a mistake and no forgiveness is required. More than once and they are not worth the effort of thinking about.

Of other people i think the "displeasure" can go away for minor transgression of civility. Major transgressions are another matter and will be remembered for life

 

[Spirit of Light]

Doesn't work that way for me. Once could be a mistake and no forgiveness is required. More than once and they are not worth the effort of thinking about.

Of other people i think the "displeasure" can go away for minor transgression of civility. Major transgressions are another matter and will be remembered for life

I can understand others may not want or be able to forgive major issues, i get it, it is not easy to always back off and say, you know I forgive you. But when it is done and forgiven it also will be forgotten after some time.

Well now someone will say, yes we can forgive but we NEVER forget, the question then will be, Did they actually forgive if they can not let it go and just let it be a part of history?

 

[ChristineM]

I can understand others may not want or be able to forgive major issues, i get it, it is not easy to always back off and say, you know I forgive you. But when it is done and forgiven it also will be forgotten after some time.

Well now someone will say, yes we can forgive but we NEVER forget, the question then will be, Did they actually forgive if they can not let it go and just let it be a part of history?

What do you call major?. My example is that my aunt and i less so were injured a terrorist bombing. My aunt had her left arm decapitated so how does she forgive the terrorists who planted the bomb?

And as i say, a minor and unrepeated one doesn't require forgiveness.

Repeated transgressions don't deserve forgiveness.

I therefore see no use for forgiveness

But thats just me, others may be willing to accept repeated transgressions and forgive the persistent offender

 

[Spirit of Light]

What do you call major?. My example is that my aunt and i less so were injured a terrorist bombing. My aunt had her left arm decapitated so how does she forgive the terrorists who planted the bomb?

And as i say, a minor and unrepeated one doesn't require forgiveness.

Repeated transgressions don't deserve forgiveness.

I therefore see no use for forgiveness

But thats just me, others may be willing to accept repeated transgressions and forgive the persistent offender

As I said, I can understand it is difficult to forgive, especially in your Aunts situation where the physical injury was done to her. I do not support terrorism of course, but there must be something that leads to the person doing what he/she did to plant a bomb there. So before I can say I could not forgive I would try to look at the reason behind the other person's actions.
If it happens to me, I know I could forgive it, because body is just that, a body. But I know that not many people think this way.

 

[PureX]

And even worse, they are more likely to become republicans.

It's going to be hard for republicans to claim to be the "law and order" party, now, though.

 

[ChristineM]

As I said, I can understand it is difficult to forgive, especially in your Aunts situation where the physical injury was done to her. I do not support terrorism of course, but there must be something that leads to the person doing what he/she did to plant a bomb there. So before I can say I could not forgive I would try to look at the reason behind the other person's actions.
If it happens to me, I know I could forgive it, because body is just that, a body. But I know that not many people think this way.

The reason, like any terrorist was to cause devastation, damage, injury and death. Politically they were (still are in a small way) a minority group with big ideas of stomping roughshod over democracy to impose their will.

So you would happily live in constant pain and disability knowing the perpetrators were gloating at what they had done? Does that make you a better person?