"Wifely Duties?"

[DallasApple]

We both do other things, often primarily to make the other person happy. I know all relationships aren't like this, but it works for us.

Yes..and one of the things both people can do to make the other person happy is not make them feel like they have to have sex regardless of their wishes.

Love

Dallas

 

[challupa]

Actually, a lot more than that has been said. The point is that the woman has a right to say "no", when she doesn't feel like it, but that only goes so far. If she (or he in some cases) wants the marriage to remain healthy, she might have to have sex when she doesn't really feel like it.

This actually triggered another thought for me. The part where you say if they want the marriage to remain healthy, they might need to have sex. What if the person who is abstaining knows this and is using this as a way to end the marriage because they don't have the courage to end it themselves and want to force the other to do it by withholding sex. I am sure that has happened. I'm not saying this is what's happening in your case, just that when you said that, it triggered that thought.

 

[Magic Man]

Then if she is "having to have sex when she doesnt want to" where would that come from Mball if its not "pressure" coming from somewhere?

Love

Dallas

The pressure would come from her wanting to have a healthy relationship.

Really. Somehow I'm skeptical.

That's fine. You're welcome to be. Just don't state your opinion or a generalization as if it's fact, that's all. All you have to do is do a little research and you'll find that it's not reality, my wife and I are a perfect example. Although, as resistant to doing that research as you've been so far, I'll understand if you decline.

 

[Magic Man]

This actually triggered another thought for me. The part where you say if they want the marriage to remain healthy, they might need to have sex. What if the person who is abstaining knows this and is using this as a way to end the marriage because they don't have the courage to end it themselves and want to force the other to do it by withholding sex. I am sure that has happened. I'm not saying this is what's happening in your case, just that when you said that, it triggered that thought.

Well, that's a possibility. I'm sure that has happened to someone, at least. In that case, the husband wouldn't have the right to sex. It's not really a good example for what we're talking about, though.

 

[DallasApple]

This actually triggered another thought for me. The part where you say if they want the marriage to remain healthy, they might need to have sex. What if the person who is abstaining knows this and is using this as a way to end the marriage because they don't have the courage to end it themselves and want to force the other to do it by withholding sex. I am sure that has happened. I'm not saying this is what's happening in your case, just that when you said that, it triggered that thought.

I know its happened.

The marriage is unhealthy..she doesnt want it anymore..actually the thought of havign sex with him made her sick..(due to the unhealthiness of the marriage)Havign sex will NOT maintain any healthiness..other than he is sexually content and under the false illusion of "health" in the marriage.She withholds sex..he immediately says "whats the problem"?? His focus is on lack of sex..he starts asking what is SHE willing to do to "work" on the marriage..He's counting the days and hours he is without sex..Whining about sex and how he wants sex..Not only is she not going to have sex with him.She is done with the marrriage.Watching him scramble around whining about not having sex solidifies they had nothing left.He "threatens" divorce..she is on the side actually making real steps to do it.She divorces him..He is crying I want my wife back why did she divorce me!!!

Women divorce men 2 to 1.And its not because he wont have sex with her.

Love

Dallas

 

[Magic Man]

I know its happened.

The marriage is unhealthy..she doesnt want it anymore..actually the thought of havign sex with him made her sick..(due to the unhealthiness of the marriage)Havign sex will NOT maintain any healthiness..other than he is sexually content and under the false illusion of "health" in the marriage.She withholds sex..he immediately says "whats the problem"?? His focus is on lack of sex..he starts asking what is SHE willing to do to "work" on the marriage..He's counting the days and hours he is without sex..Whining about sex and how he wants sex..Not only is she not going to have sex with him.She is done with the marrriage.Watching him scramble around whining about not having sex solidifies they had nothing left.He "threatens" divorce..she is on the side actually making real steps to do it.She divorces him..He is crying I want my wife back why did she divorce me!!!

Women divorce men 2 to 1.And its not because he wont have sex with her.

Love

Dallas

Wow. Thanks for that. Talk about blowing things out of proportion...

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Yes..but for many women..that state doesnt "change quickly" due to various reasons.Then its suggested she fake it.

We have already gone over that.

I see nothing wrong with thinking.."I don't really want to right now..but he does..and I THINK I can get into it if I go on ahead and let it happen.

Thats not the same thing as KNOWING you dont want to..and you can NOT enjoy it or get into it and not only having to "do it anyway" but fake that it feels good and you like it and you want it.Because you are under "pressure" to do it or else something bad might happen.and he knows you dont want to and decided his needs were more important...He just wants to have his.

Love

Dallas

If you are under threat of something "bad happening" if you don't have sex, then you're with the wrong person.

Unless, of course, you like that sort of thing.

 

[DallasApple]

Wow. Thanks for that. Talk about blowing things out of proportion...

I didnt "blow " anything out of proportion.Women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men.Thats not me blowing.Thats a fact.

And its not because she wants him to have sex and he wont.

Love

Dallas

 

[DallasApple]

If you are under threat of something "bad happening" if you don't have sex, then you're with the wrong person.

Unless, of course, you like that sort of thing.

Dont kid your self..read this thread.Just the simple fact of having sex even if you dont want to is bad things happening.

Unless of course..you like that sort of thing.

Love

Dalals

 

[Magic Man]

I didnt "blow " anything out of proportion.Women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men.Thats not me blowing.Thats a fact.

And its not because she wants him to have sex and he wont.

Love

Dallas

That's great. Now, how does that apply to the current discussion?

You were blowing it out of proportion because that whole tirade was unnecessary and irrelevant.

 

[Guitar's Cry]

I think the immense range of human sexual desire makes this quite a convoluted subject. As an intensely sexual guy, I can imagine it being frustrating to be in a marriage with someone who refused to have sex.

But as Painted Wolf wisely pointed out, communication is key here.

Before the marriage even begins, I think open sexual communication needs to take place. If something occurs during the marriage to make a partner abstain, then something--anything--can be worked out. Maybe some pride or jealousy will have to be forfeited, but I'd like to think that ideally, a relationship has been built up strong enough so that both parties can effectively compromise.

It's gotta be better than pity sex.

 

[Magic Man]

I think the immense range of human sexual desire makes this quite a convoluted subject. As an intensely sexual guy, I can imagine it being frustrating to be in a marriage with someone who refused to have sex.

But as Painted Wolf wisely pointed out, communication is key here.

Before the marriage even begins, I think open sexual communication needs to take place. If something occurs during the marriage to make a partner abstain, then something--anything--can be worked out. Maybe some pride or jealousy will have to be forfeited, but I'd like to think that ideally, a relationship has been built up strong enough so that both parties can effectively compromise.

It's gotta be better than pity sex.

And what if all of that fails?

 

[Nessa]

I didnt "blow " anything out of proportion.Women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men.Thats not me blowing.Thats a fact.

And its not because she wants him to have sex and he wont.

Love

Dallas

\
Though often times it is because of his infidelity which may or may not have been influenced by their sex or lack thereof.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dont kid your self..read this thread.Just the simple fact of having sex even if you dont want to is bad things happening.

Unless of course..you like that sort of thing.

Love

Dalals

Well, all us adults are responsible for the decisions we make.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dont kid your self..read this thread.Just the simple fact of having sex even if you dont want to is bad things happening.

Unless of course..you like that sort of thing.

Love

Dalals

Well, all us adults are responsible for the decisions we make. If you don't want to have sex with someone, then don't - seems pretty simple.

 

[Guitar's Cry]

And what if all of that fails?

This is where it gets interesting, I think.

If the communication fails, then perhaps that is the root to the marital problems, not the sex. In an open communication, ideally, something is worked out. Even if it is just more communication over time or turning to counseling for help.

If the communication fails, then something needs to be fixed there before sex even becomes an issue.

And believe me, I know the subject of sex can be volatile; I've had similar issues before. But it's solved through active communication--concession and compromise. Otherwise, the marriage is just going to go to hell. Even if the sexual issues are solved, other issues will come up and without communication, a vicious cycle will evolve that will make for an unhappy relationship.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

\
Though often times it is because of his infidelity which may or may not have been influenced by their sex or lack thereof.

And around and around we go back to what has many times resulted in scapegoating women for the problems of men.

I don't know if that's what you implied, Nessa, but if a man cheats, that's on his shoulders and should take full responsibility. It's not the job of a woman to perform wifely duties in order to keep her husband faithful. That perspective demeans both women AND men.

I do understand what GC said earlier. Open communication is a MUST. If any expectation is to be put out on the table, it ought to be that, not how often the partner who is hornier can engage in sex until orgasm.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

If the communication fails, then perhaps that is the root to the marital problems, not the sex. In an open communication, ideally, something is worked out. Even if it is just more communication over time or turning to counseling for help.

If the communication fails, then something needs to be fixed there before sex even becomes an issue.

This is absolutely the case. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and sex life. The quality of your sex life is a symptom of the state of your relationship not a cause.

 

[DallasApple]

That's great. Now, how does that apply to the current discussion?

You were blowing it out of proportion because that whole tirade was unnecessary and irrelevant.

What "tirade"?

I told a real life example of a woman done.Based on an observation made by Challupa..

Is "tirade" the way you describe any woman that says something upleasant to your ears?

You have tried to instruct me to "keep on topic" and have repeatedly said my post are "irellevent" and explained to me Im not reading and understanding.Now Im posting "tirades"..I explained to you once.I am not your wife.Go try and control her.If my post upset you so much put me on ignore.If I want to post a response to another member here that is none of your business.Report me if I have broken a rule.Other than that I dont take you as any kind of "authority" and please stop telling me what I can post about or not.Your the one reading every single one of my post and trying to direct me and describing me as tirading.Stalk someone else.

Love

Dallas

 

[Guitar's Cry]

By the way, like I said, I'm an intensely sexual person. I'm always in the mood. ALWAYS!

That's not true of my partner. There are times that I feel like sex is the only thing keeping me from the point of insanity.

So, if my partner's not in the mood, then I either masturbate or channel the energy elsewhere.

Problems still arise. But we communicate and move on. Our relationship works because of this.