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Toxic People

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by SalixIncendium, Nov 25, 2020.

  1. SalixIncendium

    SalixIncendium Ānanda
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    Who are or have been the toxic people in your life?

    How do you manage them?
     
  2. Left Coast

    Left Coast Happy New Year!
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    PSA: This is not an opportunity to attack other RF members...
     
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  3. Rival

    Rival Veteran Member
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    Um, my mom, my step-dad, my dad.

    I still have a close relationship with my mother because she has a personality disorder I can kind of cope with now. My step dad is long out of the picture after their divorce. I'm hoping I can stop living with my dad asap.
     
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  4. Vinayaka

    Vinayaka devotee
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    'Friendship' divorce. At one time I had to put up with those I considered toxic, to keep some sanity and dignity in a job. Now, in retirement, there is no need. So I just avoid such people. Even when I had to work with some, I manipulated as best I could to mimimize interaction. Why bother?
     
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  5. Nakosis

    Nakosis crystal soldier
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    Avoidance. Figure out some covert way of mitigating the damage they do. The ones you can't find a way to completely avoid, like family.
     
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  6. SigurdReginson

    SigurdReginson Well-Known Member

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    I've actually written about this previously in journal entries here. You can read them there if you are curious to now more specifics.

    Right now it'd be my ex gf. She used to have a lot of power over me, but no longer. I've won that back.

    How I manage her now is with lots of space and a good group of family and friends that has my back. I removed myself from the shared bank bank account, left the apartment, and now am squaring things up so it's a smooth transition away from her. It's all good from here!

    Still hectic and crazy with everything else going on though, like my career and new living situation. :D
     
    #6 SigurdReginson, Nov 25, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2020
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  7. SalixIncendium

    SalixIncendium Ānanda
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    How do you manage the ones you can't avoid?
     
  8. Unveiled Artist

    Unveiled Artist Veteran Member

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    I have been the toxic person in my former friends life years ago when I was struggling with seizures, behavior issues, depression, and home drama. It bled into our friendship to where I realized she never wanted to be my friend and never accepted who I was and am.

    I had another friend who was toxic but not in a way many would think. He has lived in an unsafe group home for near over twenty years since we met. We don't talk now but his unsafe issues made me the only friend he could trust. I think it's codependency. But I was already going through stuff above and his experiences and mine were in part made me sick. I think I still have it today but not as chronic since I moved.

    If I know someone is toxic, usually it's because they send in me red flags. I stopped talking to one girl recently because of it. Other times like with my guy friend above you have to set barriers. I told him I didn't want to hear people's deaths and rapes.

    If it's unsafe, don't stay. But any toxic friend can mess with your health. Even if you realize you are toxic be around those who will accept you for who you are if it's one of those things you can't change.
     
    #8 Unveiled Artist, Nov 25, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2020
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  9. Nakosis

    Nakosis crystal soldier
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    Hide the silverware. Learn their traits, find their weakness, covertly outsmart them.

    I get more upset at myself when I fail to deal with them effectively. I try to learn, figure out a way to deal with them better next time.

    I don't necessarily blame them for being who they are. We all got issues. I see it as a challenge to find creative ways to circumvent the damage.
     
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  10. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Well-Known Member

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    My father was toxic growing up.

    They always tell you that you'll see how your parents were right when you grew up, but the opposite happened in my case. My dad grew to realize that he'd treated all of us like poo, and amended his ways and apologized, though it took time. Was too late for him and my mom though; she left, and I don't blame her for doing so. I think that's what kicked him into action, really. We get along well now, though it took years to undo the damage.

    Recently, I've had to separate myself from a childhood friend. I've always been unconventional, but this never really thwarted our friendship. However, as she got older, she got bitter and judgmental and started taking it out on me by making cracks against me, and saying other disparaging things that friends don't say to friends. I understand that it came from a place of deep hurt, and I don't hold it against her, but it was in turn making me unhappy and killing my confidence. I just stopped answering the phone. Her visiting me wasn't a concern; she only seemed to have time to spend with other more 'normal' folks, so no issue there. She was just using me as a sounding board to dump her negativity on, but no more.

    I was a little lonely at first(few people call me these days), but I felt a lot better after a week or two.
     
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  11. Revoltingest

    Revoltingest I have the kavorka
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    Hire a good legal team.
     
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  12. Nimos

    Nimos Well-Known Member

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    Haven't really encountered a lot of toxic people in my life and those few I have. I either simply ignore, if possible, so not interested in what they have to say, what they do etc. or I simply tell them to get lost or shut up. :)
     
  13. SigurdReginson

    SigurdReginson Well-Known Member

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    I feel you with your story about your dad. I'm glad you guys were able to patch things up at least!

    I think you've alluded to your situation with your friends in one of my threads a little bit. I know how it feels to be the sounding board for one's friends as well, as you've read about me. It really sucks losing friends you've know for years and years, but honestly, it sounds like you lost her long before that.

    Without that negativity to weigh you down, your burdens become that much lighter. :)
     
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  14. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Well-Known Member

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    You know, I wouldn't mind being a sounding board so much, but when the remarks began to be condescending, that was when I knew there was a big problem. Vent all day, I am fairly patient. Just don't insult me when you're done...

    I don't believe she liked me, though I don't think she realized that. She was too enamored with how I was able to calm her down or keep her realistic when she was upset, but the traits that were uniquely mine she grew to disparage. And I am sure you know firsthand that the statement "I like you because you make me feel..." is not real affection.
     
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  15. SigurdReginson

    SigurdReginson Well-Known Member

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    Yah... You are worth a hell of a lot more than just as a coping mechanism for someone unstable. I'm glad you removed that negativity from your life. You deserve to be surrounded with friends who lift you up, so when they take you for granted like that, it's time to trim the fat! :D
     
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  16. Israel Khan

    Israel Khan Well-Known Member

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    Jehovah's Witnesses. That is why I continue to stay away from them after I left the group. Also most other ex-JW's online since they are overly fixated on the organisation to the point that it consumes their lives (understandably so but not good for my mental health). I have moved beyond them.

    [Edit: I can always avoid JW's by saying that I left the group. They would run a mile.]
     
    #16 Israel Khan, Nov 26, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2020
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  17. Twilight Hue

    Twilight Hue The gentle embrace of twilight has become my guide

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    Lol. Good catch.
     
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  18. Hermit Philosopher

    Hermit Philosopher Selflessly here for you

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    Dear SalixIncendium

    The fact that we cannot avoid all toxic people and influences in life, is our chance to learn humility and the perfect opportunity to put it into practise.

    Humility is - among many things - about:
    • Knowing that our being [self] is stable and not dependent on another.
    • Letting go of control; e.g. not having to impose our “ways” on another, irrespective of whether another wishes to impose their “ways” on us.
    • Turning the other cheek, with love - i.e. without embitterment - because we know how to and can afford to do so without it affecting our sense of and trust in self.
    • Taking responsibility for our part in a dynamic but not taking responsibility for another’s, because, whether they take it or not, only they are responsible for themselves.
    • Accepting that some dynamics will never be(come) harmonious in our view, but learning not to allow that disturb our own peace of mind.
    • Forgiving another’s shortcomings (in regards to dynamic, ability to change, everything really), because not doing so, does not affect them and doing so frees us from “hatred” and pain.

    Humbly
    Hermit
     
  19. Mock Turtle

    Mock Turtle Asinine, socialist-leaning, puerile filth
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    I haven't encountered so many toxic people, since they usually are not part of my life unless I cannot avoid them, and if so then I try to minimise their impact.
     
  20. ChristineM

    ChristineM "Be strong" I whispered to my coffee.
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    I have only ever encountered one truly toxic person that i could not handle. For 6 months i lived in fear for my family and myself, it got to the stage that i considered suicide as a way od escape.

    Close friends drove him away, it unfortunately required violence to convince him.

    I learned a valuable lesson about trust from that experience. It is earned, not just given.
     
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