Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

[Estro Felino]

Date all the men you want and be happy!

I can't date men before my recovery ends. I had a vaginoplasty and have to wait lots of months before understanding it's safe\sanitary to have a sex life

 

[Riders]

Date all the men you want and be happy!

I can't date men before my recovery ends. I had a vaginoplasty and have to wait lots of months before understanding it's safe\sanitary to have a sex life

Thank you well i can develop friendships yes. Its not time for em to date yet. Do you mind me asking whats a vaginoplasty is. May I ask are you a friend of Bills? fellow sex addict?

 

[Riders]

The real truth one reason I speak up for Muslim men , before I say this let me apologize if anyone is offended but putting some info in why some of my posts have gone the way they have,

The last offensive posts about Muslims I posted under kept mentioning the sexual abuse abuse of women and removing the clitorus of women,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So when I was in my sex addiction I had one guy friend who was Muslim and he was a taxi driver. I'm not sure why there are so many taxi drivers who are Muslim or from the Middle east, some are Jewish ,

But I did have sex with one man twice. Grant it we were both jerks for having illicit sex with stranger.He was kind of my friend but no relationship between us.He was really cute too.

Anyways although we made the wrong decision, he was as gentle as a lamb, no abuse ,got kisses and hugs it was nice so.

Its just one more reason I defend Muslims down here, I don't buy the sex abuse accusations, not in America, now other countries its a different thing but not here.

 

[Jim]

I’m staying out of this one!

 

[Jim]

@Riders I’m uncomfortable with some of your topics and interests , but there’s still something really appealing to me in your attitude and ways of thinking.

 

[Riders]

@Riders I’m uncomfortable with some of your topics and interests , but there’s still something really appealing to me in your attitude and ways of thinking.

Thanks. Yea I tend to be out there with the sex topics, its why I apologized right off.

 

[Riders]

I sometimes wonder about myself how did all this sex addiction come into my life. I know I was molested at psych ward and abandoned abused and my Mom had sexual issues bad.

But its like this, I mean I don't really think the past can make me a sex addict. I don't blame my parents or the hospitals, I chose it.

But thinking back to the Pentecostal church and strict dress codes structure on not having sex before married so on.how did I allow it to become such a huge thing, but not only that but it seems like I started sexualizing every thing in my life, became very flirtatious and kind of sexual in my 3os.

But Pentecostals would be shocked that wasn't my standards. I feel like it was more a way of dealing with my situation.I was out of the mental wards, I had sexual issues, mental health issues stressing me out, no time for men plus my parents questioned me wanting to get married they thought with my mental illness it would be a bad situation.

So I put it in the back of my mind, getting married having a boyfriend, I decided not to but put it at the back of my mind. So then I didnt think about dating not getting married so I quit placing value on intimacy and dating and marriage, so its kind of like well men like to use me its no big deal just let it happen who cares no ones gonna marry me.

So once marriage was off the table my values went out the door.I ignored marrying standards at church at first but then later on did try to date and I dated 3 guys trying to get married but it did not take. But after awhile being in the church I decided I did want to get married.

DO tehre was somewhat of a change in church it just didn't last long.

 

[Riders]

I'm grossed out. I'm disgusted with myself. I can not believe I allowed myself to become so sexual over the years and get into the sexual high life with people who get high on sex.

To me its another drug sex is. BDSm polyamory internet sex internet porn phone sex having sex buddies and all that jazz its a high its a drug for me it is anyways. Cant speak for others.

It makes me feel not pretty just the opposite, desperate, like I'm so fat and ugly and have such low self esteem that I had to stoop to bdsm and sex parties porn and all to make me feel pretty and sexual and wanted.I'm pathetic, I'm sad,how desperate can I be?

I'm grossed out and disgusted with me. I want to start going to Zen meditation groups this year first to Unity then to Zen eventually and go regular . I like the Buddhists idea of sexual morality. They believe for those of us who get married we should not be so attached to our mate we should be able to lead separate lives.

They believe the lesser we can be sensual and sexual the better off we are and I agree. They have lady monks and monks who stay free from sex..I know some of yall are gonna step up and say do you really think they go without sex. I believe some of them are sticking to their beliefs just like some Priests Catholic priests are. celebate. The ones who are committed that is.

I think about them, I want to stay celebate, I'm sick of sex.

 

[Riders]

Anyways so I have a friend in SAA named Rose. Shes a liberal Catholic. ( yes for those here who think I hate Christians I have plenty of Christian friends especially in SAA and AA) Anyways, she has been married and divorced twice has no kids.

She gets so upset and uptight about the sexism in our culture and from men. Sometimes I feel like I am in the mood to call all men sexist a holes too. But if I stop and think about the Buddhist monks who don't have sex at all and Priests too, I realize they're not all like that.There are plenty of gay men who don't mistreat women either.


Of course I know deep down you men aren't all bad. I do think many are sexist but I don't hold it against them or yall because I think society has had a great deal to do with that.

She gets mad about the fact that society expects women to date men who are way less attractive. But the thing of it is, I realize its mostly older men who are attracted to me and its because I look younger, but I'm also extremely obese so. I don't mind the idea of dating someone who is 62 10 years older then me or something like that I'm fine with that.

I just don't want to date another big fat guy like Robert, I had such a hard time with him and me going round and round about our diet. Then he would pig out on beer and carbs and tell people he was on a low carb diet and everyone would sympathize with him then look at me and say why aren't you on a diet with him? You should be doing it together, as if they were blaming me for his habits.

So when it comes to men and obesity it does seem like the world foes not want to hold them responsible,all they could do around Robert was feel sorry for him and be sweet to him while they were hating me. There is no freaking way I'm going back through that again,

We went to a cave man low carb , diet group once at a restaurant. He was telling them about his diet made it look like he was eating less I tried to step in once or twice, and Robert said " Yea she doesn't understand how to do the low carb diet we need to teach her" like that looking down his nose at me. The other guy agreed.

Then we went in and ate and he pigged out on white bread, beer and carbs in front of them while telling them how good he ate.He embarrassed me. Then they were trying to gently tell him he should give the eating plan a try but they were so sweet about it he didn't hear them. When we got home he said " yea what I got from that is that I'm pretty much doing everything right".

Anyways yea that type of thing gets on my worst nerve.

But I like to think about Buddhist monks I have met that were kind to me,

But I have seen men who date women who are not attractive and some who are less attractive then them. So it does not always work like that. Some guys like big women too.
When it cones to BDSM there are some dominant men who wont date any woman unless shes the perfect size perfectly then and looks like a model. But there are some who who will lower their standards for women including dating big ladies like me.

I have had one or 2 good looking dominants ask me out, one who introduced himself to me at this barbecue place we BDSMers were meeting up at to meet with each other. Robert took me, he came over to my table shook my hand and gave me his card said he was looking for a big lady who would be his submissive. I can not do BDSM anymore due to my sex addiction and also mental illness.

So its hasn't all been older men. I've had a few young guys who had sex with me one night stands that were fun.

She gets mad because once someone at her church tried to set her up with a guy who was mentally challenged, that happened to me twice.

Someone at my Moms AA meeting Rocky use to bring her son who was like 38 and mentally challenged enough that he could not say more then 3 word sentences, the mind of a 6 year old. I let him dance with me slow song at New Year 6 years ago. He hung all over me harrassed me. His Mom wanted to get a picture of him and me together because we looked so cute together..

My Moms sponsee said something about getting me to be friends with him, I said are there people here who want to set me up with him" She said I just thought you could be friends with him.

It is very sexist and i had another problem 15 years ago with a guy who had like a 12 year old mentality still did not speak well enough for me to have a conversation with.He got on the phone and stalked me when I turned him down for dates he harrassed me.

If Christians are so sexist they were willing to try and set up us fat ladies up with mentally challenged men who don't have any business dating anyone because they are too challenged, thats a sick thing. They are saying fat women are so disgusting we need to set them up with men who have the mind of a child.

I also find it well, strange weird and dangerous. Its child molestation in my mind. If it ever happens again I'm confronting the situation.
In the end my Mother confronted the situation. She uh, got tired of being in meetings with him. Hes not suppose to be in meetings with Rocky and my Mom said hed walk up to her and also harass her too and be all over her inappropriatly as well. They had a business meeting my Mom called a group conscious and discussed the situation and decided he could not be in meetings anymore.

She was unhappy about him being there thank God hopefully I wont run into him anymore. If I ever do I'm gonna be mean next time not mean but I will tell him to leave me alone and confront, I am not having that around me anymore being harassed.

But its strange it is, that religious people are so sexist about us big girls that they lower themselves to try and match us up with men who are totally inappropriate like that, its weird. 15 years ago when that other guy was stalking me me and 2 other women complained tot he group about it and they were all Christian social workers and they did nothing about it, See that's sexist too, to say its ok for him to stalk us?

That's not fair to us. But anyways I can protect myself. I did date Randal last year he was 56 and I'm 52 and he was pretty in shape actually although looked a lot older then me. I liked him though. I don't mind the sexism with age like I said I like older men.

I wont think about sexism too much though, cant let it get me down. Older men like me so maybe one day I will meet one. I thought Randal was cute as a bug! I would mind dating someone as old as 65 but not older.

I would not mind having another gay man as a best friend in my life either instead of a husband like I did 14 years ago either with Raymond.

Well there are options open to me.

 

[Riders]

Rose is Catholic though, I'm surprised she goes on such man hating spells when w etalk. But then again like she is a sex addict and women sex addicts have seen a lot of sexism from men.

But anyways she was also talking about the fact that when you go to church or family get together where everyones eating, its always women in the kitchen cooking and putting things together and men int he living room watching tv and doing nothing wheil the owmen are waiting on them.

She says she always sits with the men she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her.When I was going to my Pagan UU church, its funny because he women there are all about girl power, but when we got together to eat,lpl it was the same thing women were in the kitchen cooking and men in the other room chatting about computers.

I was always in both. Id bring cookies already made or chips and take them to the kitchen say hi tot he women then go in the other room and sit with the men.

She gets mad about like the fact that Catholic and Christian men want their women to cook and clean for them. She was like I'm not gonna clean for you , what shed say to her well she was married not long ago and divorce and told her man to pick up after himself.

I don't clean much, I have a home health aid help me. If I got married or lived with someone Id offer to hire a maid, I have a lot of allergies and I don't clean much.

However I don't mind cooking, I can cook certain things open up rice aroni or a mix sloppy joes stuff like that and make it but I'm not a great cook. I like to stir fries with chicken and steak and throw vegetables in them and beans stuff like that east stuff.I don't eat normal vegetables like green beans corn spinach yuck. I do eat stir fries veggies, celery onions, green onions tomatoes, peppers and carrots but that's about it.

Anyways I see her point but this is a sexist world, Id rather put up with a little sexism then go without a man.

She gets disgusted when I tell her like what Robert looked like, older man he was 56 I was 43 he had long silver greasy hair, with a long grey beard, walked with a cane and weighed 300 pounds. She was aying I can't believe you put up with that. She says that's how society expects women to have relationships, that it has to always be ugly old men with good looking young women.

Its not always,true, theres lots of good looking guys daring women and even unattractive women.But if I like someone then I can look past the ugly old old guy thing, I don't mind dating the older man although I do agree its somewhat sexist, but I am willing to put up with their sexism rather then be alone.

But right now I only have almost 8 months of recovery, so I am not interested in romance now, but later on I maybe, like I said I don't mind the older part. Rose gets creeped out by it though, it's almost funny but I see her point.

 

[Riders]

So my electricity was out all day yesterday because of the tornado.Someones tree fell down in front of their house on my street as well. I got lucky I guess no damage.

I got scared, hot sick staying in the hot house.
So my phone had not been charged of course and an alert came up saying I had 10 minutes left on my phone. So I took all my money I was gonna spend on a new recliner this month.

I called a taxi. I asked him to take me to Dennys in my neighborhood. We got there and they're lights were out! I was freaked out. So I resorted to my old addict self, I use food and sex when I am scared. So I asked him to take me to Hooters, so I could relax.I gto down there at 9 and he let me out and it was closed, they closed down earlya t 9 even though they had power, can you believe it?

So I turned around and my taxi left! I was yelling for him he did not hear me. So I started crying and Hooters girls let me in. Thank God. They charged my phone for me for 20 minutes or so gave me a coke and let me call another taxi.

They said the taxi would call they left their station and asked me to answer the phones so just in case my taxi called I would know. So I answered the phone for them 3 times before my taxi called, " This is Hooters in Mesquite how can I help you?"

They wanted to know how long their wait would be and if we were still open, I told all of them Hooters was closed. That's the craziest thing I've done all year freaking nuts!

So anyways I left them 5 bucks which I really didnt have but left it for them for helping me. Got itno a taxi and instead of going tot he restaurant next door or down the street which I could have walked, I went right to twin peaks so I could relax. I can't believe I was spending my my money like that how stupid can I be?

All so I could have my memory of Robert taking me to Twin Peaks and relax!So I got in the car and the traffic was crazy we couldn't get out because everyone was out! Apparently we all had the same idea to go to restaurants to get out of our hot houses! I saw people walking down our street too.

So it took forever to get to Twin peaks another 12 bucks UGHH! I could have just gone next door, I was panicking.My taxi driver was so nervous because of the traffic he started smoking a ciggaret against his rules in his taxi, and I bummed one, my first in 7 years can you freaking believe it? My addict self was out last night!

Then he asked me if I wanted any pot!!!!!!!!!! GEEZ WHIZ! I said no I can't smoke it it makes me sick, so we didn't smoke any pot.

He dropped me off at Twin peaks, I charged my phone in the booth. I only stayed an hour and got a few winks and looks from men, I ate a hamburger and coke. My money was running out, I didn't have the money to buy a drink.


I finally went home and barely had the money to get home. My taxi driver same guy, came onto me on the way home and I said sure anytime, I was surviving scared he would get mad if I didn't say yes.The survivor in me uses food and sex to survive, its the way my brain works. In emergencies I think of over eating and sex.

Anyways, I came very close to losing my sobriety but I did not, Hooters and twin Peaks is on my middle circle list, that means its dangerous but not a relapse. I came close to relapse last night though very close too close! It was scary! I quit smoking again no more!

I almost forgot to add, on the way in Twin peaks I heard a Christian guy say to his friend " And see I go to such and such Baptist church and Im Here!" , I thought yea buddy whatever, I bet you wouldn't tell your pastor where your at!.

 

[Riders]

Well my sister had another talk with me about getting married. She said I should be looking for a man. She says if your lonely, I realize with this whole recovery program your in your suppose to wait to be involved with someone but if your lonely why not find someone and get married. I said I am not ready , she said why not? What are you waiting for? I said God has to send me a man i don't need to look for one.

She also believes if you date, as a Christian you should only date someone whom you want to get married too, you don't date around you date to get married.Then you should not wait long, go ahead and get married in the first few months without getting to know each other. You get married because its the right thing to do, not because your in love, love is a choice, and she says you learn to love that person.

To me its sexist, but Id like to know how other Christians feel about this. So I'm gonna put up a thread on Christian dating.

 

[Riders]

So as of today I've got 9 months of sobriety in SAA. If I hit 10 months it will be monumental because I have not been able to get past 9 months of sobriety without relapsing before now. Wish me luck.

So. Back on Roses comments about men being sexist. Shes angry because women wear dresses and men get to wear jeans.

But truthfully , I disagree totally, first place we women don't have to wear any dresses. I wear shorts quite a bit and I have jeans I like.

I do have dresses I wear a lot. But they are comfortable houses dresses from Walmart's I got a year a half ago 2 years ago when I was in the old folks home..

They are very comfy, I love wearing them. Its not hard to wear dresses and look feminine these days, I let my hair go natural put a bit of make up on and my beaded necklace and I'm good to go.It takes me 15 minutes to get ready. Back int he 40s and 50s it would take a woman an hour or 2 to get ready for a date!

But on reality I don't think the suits men wear are that comfortable. Hey men look good in suits! YUM! I like watching politicians so I can see men dressed up nice.Rose called it metrosexual, but really I don't think a man has to be metrosexual to look nice, but yes men look way way better these days! I love a man dressed up.

I even liked them in the gold chains from the 70s! I was talking about how cute KC and the Sunshine bands front man was ( his name was either Harry or George)with one of my friends, they asked me " DO you like his gold chains laughing. Ill say this if you look as cute as that man did hey man gold chains look good on him!

However the early 1900s with our big long dresses sucked! In the 20s we had the jazz age and women were allowed to wear short dresses finally and men could were wearing Zoot suits which I don't care for but hey at least it was an improvement.

By the 40s and 50s there were changes men dressed better, women were wearing shorter dresses still not as comfy though. They could wear lounging pajamas which were sort of like leggings of today and girls in jr and high school could ear jeans if they rolled the pants leg up.

It was an improvement. Men got somewhat better in dress and in music and film. Oddly enough I picked up this from the early 40s? Gene Kelly dancing in Singing In The Rain, his suit was adorable here and hey his sexy dance with the long legged woman was kind of sexy. See what you think.

 

[Riders]

Well with the 50s we had jerry Lee Lewis Elvis Presley with his swiveling sexy hips and Buddy Holly so yes int he 50s it improved.

Not to mention the 1960s with our hot beautiful rock band men! Here Jim whoohoo !

 

[Riders]

So and with women being able to wear jeans slacks shorts tight jeans bikinis and our hippies going nude at nude nude communes yea we improved a lot, men got a lot less sexist in the 60s.

However my only issue with men today is Americans great big sex and porn addiction problems.Yes I know I am woman and sex porn addict but there are women who are, but there is a lot more men then women.

With our sex problems in America there some young men according to the film I watched on the ONDEMAND on cable, Addiction to Porn Chasing the Iron Butterfly: Many young men are choosing to stay single and not have families because they would rather look at the hot women in porn then have natural sex.

That actually sick. Its too much. I sometimes worry that people will get so sick and fed up with it we'll end up going back to dressing like the early 1900s YIKES! hat would be scary!

But back tot he original topic of Roses the way we dress and sexism, no I have no problems with it. Men have learned to become vein and touch their feminine part lol if you want to call it that by dress much nicer and even sexier which is empowering for women YAY!

 

[Riders]

Anyways now a days we have come far when it comes to GLBTQ community but we are still a long ways from where we should be. there is still too much hate against GLBTQ community unfortunately.We do have some folks who dress sort of both dress feminine and masculine.
Some women are more like tomboys and dress more like guys and hey that's cool too.

I wish there was more acceptance for GLBTQs.


I am aware Priscilla was only 14 and Jerry Lee married his 13 year old cousin. However that was the 1950s, not making excuses but they were ignorant about stuff like that then. Yes I know it almost killed jerry Lees career but that's probably because she was his cousin.

 

[Riders]

So I went to a game tonight. Got out and did an activity. My sponsor wants me to do more activities so. I went to one for GLBTS and those who are supportive of GLBTs. It was awesome, The first game we played was boring but I enjoyed the company and the chitchat.There was a guy who sat next to me named Gordan and he and I spoke some quietly. He was really nice to me, we shook hand and reintroduced ourselves before he walked home. So I'm hoping I made a nice friend.

 

[Riders]

So I went to a game tonight. Got out and did an activity. My sponsor wants me to do more activities so. I went to one for GLBTS and those who are supportive of GLBTs. It was awesome, The first game we played was boring but I enjoyed the company and the chitchat.There was a guy who sat next to me named Gordan and he and I spoke some quietly. He was really nice to me, we shook hand and reintroduced ourselves before he walked home. So I'm hoping I made a nice friend.

o
Gordon watched out for me last night possibly because I was the oldest one there. We had chairs I could sit in, I am still having problems with my weight. I could not access Weight Watchers online program it would not me sign in for some reason.

So I was worried about having issues with my weight. But I was ok, the chairs were hard but had a cushion on them, I had to stand up and stretch a couple of times to make sure I wouldn't get too stiff sitting there and the bathroom was ok. So I did ok.

there was one point to where I could not see the cards for the code name game we were playing, but Gordon asked this woman who was standing behind her chair to move back so I could switch and sit in her chair so I could see the cards.

So he was a gentleman and watched out for me. I hope he and I can be friends . We introduced ourselves to each other again at the end of the game before he left so we could know each others name . So maybe we can be friends I hope.

 

[Riders]

Ok so here's a song my friend may not like and other women libbers because of the message. But I just to defend it.
Oh What A Night by Franki Valley, It was written in the early seventies a song about something that happened in 63. Ok so its late December back in 63 , the guy lost his virginity to a prostitute.

So " Oh a night! Why'd it take so long to see the light! Seemed so wrong but now it seems so right what a lady what a night!I felt the rush of the rolling (forget the next word) thunders spin in a round my head and take it from body under oh what a night!

Ok so Ill have to get the exact words, but this is what WIkipedia says its about! I watched the movie, Jersey Boys and according to it one of the guys lost his virginity to a prostitute.

Whats so sexist? Buying a prostitute to lose your virginity for it ................. got man to have a big blast best time of his life, for a woman shes in pain her first time.

Mine was bad I screamed the guy was an a-hole, and a drug addict. I have a feeling it was his first time too even though he said he had tons of experience, he got to have a big old blast while I cried and screamed. But anyways I later forgave him when i ran into him after he got sober through Narcotics Anonymous long story so I won't go into it.

If a woman had a giggalo paid for to give her virginity away too the church would condemn her as being lose and fast but if a guy does this hes a great guy wow! DO you think they would have allowed a woman to talk about what a great time she had losing her virginity to a giggalo in the early 70s?

No way! So yea it makes me sort of irritated with men to think they can just order a prostitute and a fabulous time their first sexual experience and hey its ok with the church and society!


However, I go out on a line for this song, it was about him losing his virginity late December back in 63, well things were very sexist in the 50s and 60s.

I what I said about Elvis and how great the 60s were to get us out of sexism, but now we were changing but it took awhile. really until about the 80 and 90s we were still pretty sexist and even now to a degree although its gotten better. But considering the fact it was written about an event in the early 60s and written in the early 70s I'm gonna give him a break

That's just how they thought back then. The fact of the matter is even though I am a sex addict not suppose to listen to sexually explicit lyrics I won't quit listening to this song, I remember hearing it growing up when I was a kid its a great song! I love Franki Valley!


Heres Jersey Boys doing their version of it

I love Jersey Boys!

 

[Riders]

So here's the real Frankie Valli! Oh What a night late September back in 63, what a very special time for me as I remember what a night, Oh what a night you know I didn't even know her name but I was never gonna be the same what a lady what a night! Oh my shocking words lmao I love it!