Are men scary?

[PoetPhilosopher]

There's this new, popular dating app with a lot of questionable features. One of those features is once you message someone, it will pop up their picture and an alert whenever they come online. Some woman joined the site, seems to have just joined, and started talking to me. I talked pretty dryly to her, was under my best behavior and kept the messages brief. She didn't understand that it was the site doing it, and started to tell me that I was scaring her with all my popups of me. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything under the sun, so I logged out, and plan on deleting the app.

In other words, it was the app sending her these notifications. Autosending.

I'm kind of at a loss sometimes. I act like a gentleman, and then stuff like this happens. If instead I act like a clown, whether or not they like me, they'll feel attracted to my vibrations and I'll (usually) get kinder responses.

So what I'm asking is... are men in general scary enough that one should be extra cautious of them?

Or maybe my "acting like a gentleman" and barely saying anything out of politeness and letting her talk, comes off as creepy?

 

[Quintessence]

Someone's reactions to social situations is going to depend on their past history and background.

That said, common Western cultural ideas of what it means to "be a man" are often problematic in that they exacerbate the "scary" dimension. And as many denizens of Western culture internalize these cultural narratives of what it means to "be a man" in their behavior and act in untoward ways, that in turn is going to influence the overall reactions people have to those they perceive as "male." In other words, the stories our cultures tell about what "be a man" means create and perpetuate behavioral norms and stereotypes. There's nothing much to be done about it other than work to deconstruct the narratives and replace them with alternatives, and that's a generational process. Be who you are, or be the change you want to see in the world.

 

[Brickjectivity]

Yes, I think we are scary generally. All it takes is a tiny bit of a frown and maybe some personal pride. We just kind of look scary and a little threatening, probably for evolutionary reasons. Often one of the sexes of other species have similar scary features. Male lions have manes. Bucks have big horns. Female spiders probably feel threatened by the males, but nobody knows for sure. They eat the males possibly as a precaution and not just for the protein. Male birds have bright feathers. Very, very often one of the mammalian sexes is more aggressive, looks more aggressive, is perceived more aggressive. I don't think human males are exempt.

 

[exchemist]

There's this new, popular dating app with a lot of questionable features. One of those features is once you message someone, it will pop up their picture and an alert whenever they come online. Some woman joined the site, seems to have just joined, and started talking to me. I talked pretty dryly to her, was under my best behavior and kept the messages brief. She didn't understand that it was the site doing it, and started to tell me that I was scaring her with all my popups of me. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything under the sun, so I logged out, and plan on deleting the app.

In other words, it was the app sending her these notifications. Autosending.

I'm kind of at a loss sometimes. I act like a gentleman, and then stuff like this happens. If instead I act like a clown, whether or not they like me, they'll feel attracted to my vibrations and I'll (usually) get kinder responses.

So what I'm asking is... are men in general scary enough that one should be extra cautious of them?

Or maybe my "acting like a gentleman" and barely saying anything out of politeness and letting her talk, comes off as creepy?

I think you should have explained, about the app creating the pop-ups, first. As it is you have just vanished, leaving this woman with more questions, when you could have set her mind at rest.

 

[LuisDantas]

I think that the situation that you describe is certainly inconvenient to the people involved and may easily be taken for stalker behavior. It is even possible that the app was meant to create such a perception, which will repel some people and attract others that might conceivably be more willing to make the next step.

In short, it may well be that you are not a part of the target demographic for that particular app.

Or you may simply need to reconfigure it. It stands to reason that there may be settings to control how often or whether pop-ups will be sent. It is a simple and obvious enough configuration setting, after all.

Also, from what you say, it seems to me that there is a simple matter of scarcity of contextual clues for the people to decide whether they should trust you. Acting like a "clown" is at least likely to reassure them that you are not too seriously obsessed about them. They might well reach very different conclusions if they only had a modicum of contact with you or simply saw your body language and speech patterns up close.

The matter of whether men are generally scary is IMO a bit of a separate issue, although it will of course color the perception of online interactions as well.

Very often we are, mainly because we have been taught that it is better to show determination than to admit confusion or lack of a clear goal, even when the facts and circunstances to not sustain that appearance of determination. The reasons why that is a bad strategy for life overall are many and varied, but probably not worth dwelling in this post.

But it used to be worse not too long ago. We have attained a variety of social stances, even among men, that is bound to dissolve those odd expectations in a generation, two at most. In the meantime I suppose that we all are better off putting some effort at anticipating likely misconceptions and addressing them early on with demonstrable facts if at all possible.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I think you should have explained, about the app creating the pop-ups, first. As it is you have just vanished, leaving this woman with more questions, when you could have set her mind at rest.

True. BUT I get tired after awhile of being tech support for people. If this was the first time I ever had to explain such things on a dating site, sure. A lot of people on there have just joined and barely know the sites.

 

[sealchan]

There's this new, popular dating app with a lot of questionable features. One of those features is once you message someone, it will pop up their picture and an alert whenever they come online. Some woman joined the site, seems to have just joined, and started talking to me. I talked pretty dryly to her, was under my best behavior and kept the messages brief. She didn't understand that it was the site doing it, and started to tell me that I was scaring her with all my popups of me. Sometimes I don't feel like explaining everything under the sun, so I logged out, and plan on deleting the app.

In other words, it was the app sending her these notifications. Autosending.

I'm kind of at a loss sometimes. I act like a gentleman, and then stuff like this happens. If instead I act like a clown, whether or not they like me, they'll feel attracted to my vibrations and I'll (usually) get kinder responses.

So what I'm asking is... are men in general scary enough that one should be extra cautious of them?

Or maybe my "acting like a gentleman" and barely saying anything out of politeness and letting her talk, comes off as creepy?

A lot of women have been abused by men. For many women it has reached a point that relatively innocuous behaviors on the part of men can "trigger" an over-response on the part of women. It certainly doesn't help if, as a proxy, software is engaging that psychological trigger.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

A lot of women have been abused by men. For many women it has reached a point that relatively innocuous behaviors on the part of men can "trigger" an over-response on the part of women. It certainly doesn't help if, as a proxy, software is engaging that psychological trigger.

It makes sense.

And it also doesn't help that I've given up trying to sooth paranoia and problems from people's pasts over, due to emotional exhaustion of my own.

 

[Jainarayan]

All it takes is a tiny bit of a frown and maybe some personal pride. We just kind of look scary and a little threatening, probably for evolutionary reasons.

Agree with this I do (in my best Yoda accent). A waitress who worked at the diner/restaurant I've been going to for over 20 years once said she was afraid to say hello or serve me because I was scary. I don't know how scary someone can be at 5'6". I was rocking the shaved bald and clean-shaven, i.e. Mr. Clean look, but now I'm shaved bald with a full beard, and often wear a trucker's or ball cap. So I'm particular conscious to flash a smile and joke.

Of course there have been times I admit I did look scary:

1. One day at the mall I was being stared at as I waited outside a store for my husband. I had on black sweat pants, a dark long sleeve t shirt, a dark blue windbreaker, Timberland boots and a black ball cap. When he came out of the store I said I feel weird, everyone is looking at me and kind of giving me a wide berth. He said "because you look like a freakin' Spec Ops".
2. At a NYE party at a gay club (I don't know which I hate more, bars or parties at bars) I stood of to the side in jeans, leather jacket, ball cap, arms folded across my chest with a scowl. One reveler comes up to me, pats my chest and says "it's NYE, be happy, you don't look like you're in a very happy place" and kept patting my chest. I said "touch my chest one more time and you'll draw back a bloody stump". Bad move... got even more guys to flock around me. Into rough-trade!?

 

[Rival]

I don't know how scary someone can be at 5'6".

I'm exactically 5'6" tall and it is a very good height indeed!

 

[Revoltingest]

I once tried to act macho & scary around women.
It's really deflating when they point & giggle.

 

[columbus]

she was afraid to say hello or serve me because I was scary.

Scary is so subjective.
Maybe you seemed scary because she thought you were hot. She didn't want to find herself dragging you out to the alley, and then her husband finds out. You were scary.
Tom

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I once tried to act macho & scary around women.
It's really deflating when they point & giggle.

I don't think @Obsydian is a woman, though. But that's a whole other subject entirely.

 

[Jainarayan]

Scary is so subjective.
Maybe you seemed scary because she thought you were hot. She didn't want to find herself dragging you out to the alley, and then her husband finds out. You were scary.
Tom

Yeah, I dunno what her problem was. I did chit chat with her and the other wait staff. I almost always sit at the counter, so I get to see and talk to almost everyone.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Yeah, I dunno what her problem was. I did chit chat with her and the other wait staff. I almost always sit at the counter, so I get to see and talk to almost everyone.

I knew a woman who couldn't stand any man with facial hair. I always wondered why. Then I met her dad, who was as chic and clean shaven as one can ever get.

 

[Revoltingest]

I don't think @Obsydian is a woman, though. But that's a whole other subject entirely.

If he were a real man, he'd have done like the
others....just give me a look of utter contempt.

 

[Jainarayan]

I knew a woman who couldn't stand any man with facial hair. I always wondered why. Then I met her dad, who was as chic and clean shaven as one can ever get.

There are guys who look good with or without. I had a friend like that. Handsome, strapping, Sicilian that was just as handsome either way. Me, I don't think I look good clean-shaven... kind of dull and plain vanilla.

 

[columbus]

Yeah, I dunno what her problem was. I did chit chat with her and the other wait staff. I almost always sit at the counter, so I get to see and talk to almost everyone.

Ever ask her what she meant?
I realize that can be awkward, since it's really none of your business. But you did have enough conversation to find out that she thinks you're scary.

She might not have meant anything like what you interpreted her to mean.
Tom

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Ever ask her what she meant?
I realize that can be awkward, since it's really none of your business. But you did have enough conversation to find out that she thinks you're scary.

She might not have meant anything like what you interpreted her to mean.
Tom

The next time any of us have that problem, we should say, "Fear not. We post on an online forum."

....

Actually come to think of it, maybe I am scared of the male version of myself.

 

[columbus]

The next time any of us have that problem, we should say, "Fear not. We post on an online forum."

....

Actually come to think of it, maybe I am scared of the male version of myself.

This is one of the more incomprehensible posts I've ever bothered to read on RF.
Tom