This one stings...

[Quetzal]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I'm really sorry that this might be a door closing on an old relationship. But it looks like this is a door opening to a healthier way to cope with stress in one of the most stressful years I think many of us have had. Lost two friends this year because one was abusing alcohol and the other abusing weed and it was too hard for them to stay friends with people from 'the beforetime' when they split.

But it sounds like you'll still use this time apart to become a healthier person. That's awesome! That's personal growth! Growing pains suck tho. Wishing you some peace, Quetz.

 

[danieldemol]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

Its probably not your fault. You were under a lot of stress and that's the way the cookie of life crumbled.

 

[Quetzal]

Its probably not your fault. You were under a lot of stress and that's the way the cookie of life crumbled.

I could go for a cookie (chocolate chip, boo oatmeal raisin).

 

[Quetzal]

I'm really sorry that this might be a door closing on an old relationship. But it looks like this is a door opening to a healthier way to cope with stress in one of the most stressful years I think many of us have had. Lost two friends this year because one was abusing alcohol and the other abusing weed and it was too hard for them to stay friends with people from 'the beforetime' when they split.

But it sounds like you'll still use this time apart to become a healthier person. That's awesome! That's personal growth! Growing pains suck tho. Wishing you some peace, Quetz.

There is an interesting part of all of this. I haven't had a craving for the greenery in the fallout. Sometimes that will sneak up on people, thankfully I am able to double down. I will take that blessing any day, even if I may not be worthy to receive it.

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I could go for a cookie (chocolate chip, boo oatmeal raisin).

All I got are mint oreos but they're yours.

 

[Left Coast]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

I'm so sorry Quetzal. Please take care of yourself. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat.

 

[Mr Spinkles]

Quetzal, as sad as this situation must be for you, it sounds like you at least have a very good understanding of what happened and how to move forward.

I read your story and was relieved that you have made progress in overcoming an addiction AND depression AND you completed your graduate program. That is extremely tough. It’s unfortunate that this means a “break” in your relationship and I’m sure that hurt will take time to heal.

Everyone makes mistakes in life. But not everyone is able to be as clear-headed and honest as you seem to be about what happened, what your weaknesses are, and what help you need in order to move forward. That’s huge. It’s so great that you’re getting therapy and that you are clean now.

I’m sure it stings that it was too little too late to avoid damage to your relationship. Hydrogen peroxide on a wound stings, too. But it’s also good for you - that means it’s working. The “break” may be the best thing for her, and therefore, for you too. And the sting you feel is how you know you care about the right things and you recognize what you should have done / what you need to do differently going forward. If it didn’t sting, you both probably wouldn’t be on the path to healing that you seem to be on now.

I am sorry it stings my friend. I hope you will stay clean, keep up the therapy, learn to forgive yourself; try to eat healthy and sleep regularly and exercise, and do all the little things to keep up your physical and mental health.

There’s a cleaner, gentler Quetzal that the world wants to get to know! Will you introduce him to us?

Best,
Eric

 

[JustGeorge]

I'm sorry you're going through all this; the pain of a relationship ending is awful.

I admire your strength, however. I wish you nothing but success and happiness in the future, no matter what the past held.

 

[ValdresRose]

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July.

What's blocking you from interacting with your therapist? Try this homework: write down 5 items that you feel shame about, number them 1. not so bad; 2.; 3.; 4.; 5. I couldn't share this with anyone. Now tell your therapist about #1 in the next session, take the paper and destroy it. After you share the easy one and notice how you feel you might see your break-through. Shame and guilt are the biggest blocks to healthy therapy, it's called denial. Be patient, your mind can only handle so much at any given time.

 

[sun rise]

I'm glad you are in a better place now.

And I think we all have, to one degree or another, regrets and more, about what we wish we would have known or done earlier. I don't know if it helps to know your experience is one that most if not all of us can relate to from our own experience.

 

[Hockeycowboy]

There is an interesting part of all of this. I haven't had a craving for the greenery in the fallout. Sometimes that will sneak up on people, thankfully I am able to double down. I will take that blessing any day, even if I may not be worthy to receive it.

You are worthy!
This adversity, if you keep fighting (and it seems like you are), will make you stronger in the long run. Just don't give in to any urge!

And eventually she'll see it.

Send her flowers.

(Wish I could help you. Would you appreciate it if I prayed to Jehovah God in your behalf?)

 

[oldbadger]

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years.

I was very sad to read your post, Quetzal.
I'm guessing that you live in the USA, in which case I can't suggest any meetings, groups or associations that you could join for support.

I'll probably get bashed by members for being an insensitive idiot, but I do wonder whether an internet dating provider or lonely hearts group might not cause you to virtually meet someone who has lost their relationship as well ?? At least you would have somebody to listen to then, as well as talk to? Of course the bloody Covid has smashed up so many kinds of meeting places.

 

[Sunstone]

Well, Quetzal, you have provided us with quite an insight here into the life and character of what to all appearances is an extraordinary individual. Can''t say that happens everyday.

Will you permit me to 'tally it up'? As the equally extraordinary @Mr Spinkles points out, the tally begins with...

1) You have substantially progressed in overcoming an addiction.

2) You have done the same in overcoming a depression.

3) You have graduated with an advanced degree in a lucrative field.​

Now, without any drama or exaggeration, we might add to that...

4) You demonstrate honest and accurate self-awareness.

5) You have sufficient command of your hopes and fears to be a realist about your situation and prospects.

6) You have the courage to be vulnerable, which is a necessary precondition to so much that is positive in life.

7) You are willing to conscientiously assume responsibility for both your behavior and your self.
​

Quetzal, I believe at this point it's safe to conclude you truly are an alien from Sirius Prime, aren't you?


Joking aside, each of those items is remarkable in itself, but the combination of them in one individual life is extraordinary. I might add to all of the above that you are a mere 33 years old, highly educated, in touch with your feelings, just recently become 'available', and a heterosexual male of a species in which the females come into their sexual prime in their 30s.

Hm...

I'll let you do the math.

Maybe I'm missing something of key importance, but my guess is you should give yourself sufficient time to mourn the loss of your lover and once you have sufficiently progressed through the grieving process for your desire to find another lover to naturally return, you should act on it.

Only, Quetzal... do hold out for the best. Because settling for someone who we do not esteem well enough to be inspired by them to do our own best in life is a sure recipe for long term mediocrity and unhappiness.

Just my 2 cents.

I wish you all the best.

 

[stvdv]

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

But the truth hurts.

Thank you for sharing. Reminds me of me being dumped the first time. That really hurt a lot, took me years. A painful but great Teacher (I can say in hindsight)

I know that whatever I say won't take pain away, but I am learning to look at it differently.

I don't see things as "my fault" anymore. I rather call it "my lessons not learned yet". Of course I take responsibility and say "sorry" when something "is my fault" or better "my mistake", "my life lesson". I also don't believe that "the truth hurts" ... it is "the ignorance that hurts me" ... "the truth will set me free". The ignorance being "identifying with my desires, attachments, emotions, body etc" ... the truth being, well ... I let others figure that out for themselves.

Years ago I asked my Master "I Feel no Love" (as in Love for God)... my Master is known for not being redundant in answering and said "Love your Feeling", quickly came my response "I feel always horrible" ... a few seconds silence, not 1 extra word from my Master, I realized "I must learn to Love that Feeling too"

Just this week, I indulged in Christmas films, and there was a little girl who felt very sad, then the beautiful female actress (they all are) gave a wonderful reply "embrace your sad feeling, that is also part of life, something you can learn from". Reminded me of the hint my Master gave.

I wish you a future in which you can embrace all feelings

Spoiler: Note: All people are addicted until Self Realized.

IMO:

Many don't realize this and rather point at the (in their eyes) real addicts. When does addiction starts? When young and not allowed to be yourself, having to fit in "the picture of your parents (and believing this to be normal/needed you do the same towards others later in life)", you lose your inner divine connection, hence sadness starts, hence addictions starts. I indulged in many addictions: hours of studying, getting degrees + trying out certain herbs like you + relationships + chocolate + sex + icecream + long walks + reading many books + overeating + RF + .... etc.

Now I realize, whatever I do is an addiction, until I am Self Realized; at peace with my "real Self".

I seem to be 3 persons:
1) The one others think I am
2) The one I think I am
3) The one I really Am.

I also realize, that "just knowing" this is different from realizing this. And I realize that I can't force this realization. It's like with a fan, if you switch off the electricity, the fan does not immediately stop. It takes time. So, also with Self Realization. Our desires/addictions prevent us from Self Realization. Even if all desires stop now (depressed for example), still the old desires have to be worked out. Not creating new desires is a good start for a happy every after.

 

[ChristineM]

@Quetzal

Having experienced similar situations with family and close friends I can relate to some degree and Ireally feel for you.

You have done your best and ended up down but you seem to be handling the situation in a resigned yet healthy way. Despite the disappointment (and more) of losing the good lady time is a great healer and you have the tools to craft a good future.

I don't know how or if i can help but if you need to chat please PM me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

The confident and capable Quetzal is still there, but at some point the depressed and emotionally irregular Quetzal took control as a result of some unfortunate circumstances. You've already taken the first steps in bringing him back by getting over the addiction and moving past the stress of grad school and working full time.

It's been my experience in life that solitude is a perfect opportunity to affect self improvement. One has to fix one's self and love one's self before they can fix a relationship and love another.

The only think final in life is death. It's not impossible that once the capable and confident Quetzal makes his encore appearance that the Mrs will fall in love with that man all over again.

And if not, life goes on, sometimes even better than your happiest time in that relationship. Life is full of adventure and it can be exciting to know what the next act will bring.

Anyway, I'm a PM away if you ever want to chat.

 

[Kenny]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

I am so sorry to hear this. Even the tear from our parents when they divorced (both my wife and I) was difficult enough let alone to experience it first hand. It is difficult, I'm sure.

In the midst, as you mentioned, there were life experiences of success that you were able to accomplish in the midst of difficulty and there was even success where we didn't for we have learned what not to do as we move forward.

For my wife and I, it was the "born-again" experience that said "You have a new start, a new beginning, a new way of doing things" that broke the divorce cycle that we learned from our parents as we erased our own past failures (we were headed in the same direction as our parents).

Hope you also find the victory in your life.

 

[Laika]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

I’m sorry to hear this Quetzal. I have always enjoyed and appreciated your contributions to the forum, so I am glad you have been open and honest enough to share it here.

I have had depression since at least 2008, now over twelve years. For what it is worth, this does not sound as if it is your fault. At worst your drug use was short-sighted, but it is an easy thing to overlook when you feel overwhelmed because of work. You are certainly not alone in trying to find comfort in smoking or drinking something that comes back to haunt you later on. But you admitted it was a problem, took responsibility and made efforts to change, which is exactly the right thing to have done.

Guilt, shame and blame are all part of the “experience” of depression. Whilst I obviously can’t fully understand the circumstances, it may be some comfort to see the end of your relationship is not solely a question of blame. We don’t really know how we handle the bad times until they come, nor do we know how we handle watching someone we care about being in pain. You are a good person and you made an honest mistake and you didn’t anticipate things would unravel in the way they have. As much as it hurts that not a question of blame, its just being human. We often don’t recognise our limits before we exceed them, often because we didn’t even know they were there to begin with.

Please Take good care of yourself, keep up the therapy and enjoy this online hug from me. Lots of love from Laika.

 

[Audie]

I am going to start by saying that I am not sure why I am writing this here. It is actually quite strange that I am inviting all of you, none of which I have met in person, into a part of my life that leaves me incredibly vulnerable. But here we are and if you take the time to read this, for whatever reason, just know how much I appreciate you.

Tonight, the Mrs and I decided we are ‘taking a break’ after being together for four years. Let’s be honest, most of us know the probability of making a comeback from a ‘break’ is slim. In order to properly tell the story, I suppose I should start from the beginning.

About two years ago, I decided to go to grad school for software engineering. It was a considerable challenge because I had to work full time while maintaining a demanding class schedule. I formed an unhealthy relationship with marijuana to help cope and relax with my newfound stress.

After my graduate program was over, I found that it was actually challenging to stop. It took me several months of trial and error, but in the last few months or so I have had some considerable success. Unfortunately, a side effect of my poorly planned coping mechanism is that it left depression behind. You see, what people don’t tend to talk about in regards to the devil's lettuce is that it doesn’t expose your brain to emotional highs or lows. If you partake on occasion this isn’t a bad thing. If you do it for a long period of time, you tend to have a terrible time coping with negative emotions when you come out of the fog.

I was no different.

Depression impacts everyone differently. For me, it manifested in the form of irritation and anxiety in social gatherings. This made her feel uncomfortable because I would experience mood swings and sometimes other people noticed.

The Mrs and I talked about this and I tried to explain what was happening. I also promised to try to be better. Despite my ability to control these negative side effects improving, they still occurred. Over the course of the last six months, it simply became too much for her. I don’t blame her. She didn’t sign up for depressed, emotionally irregular Quetzal. She signed up for the confident, capable Quetzal. The one who was there when she met me.

This stings because it is my fault.

I formed an unhealthy dependence.
I could not gain reasonable control of my negative emotions.
I did not address these problems soon enough.

I am clean now and I have been in therapy since July. All of these things are good things, but they just came too late. The balance was due and the tax man would not be denied.

I still get a bit choked up because when we were talking, I kept trying to think of things to say or ask. There was this little naive part of me that said “Well if the discussion doesn’t stop, it isn’t over.” The discussion did eventually stop and I think we both know it’s over. If only I had made better choices and if only I wasn’t so sad, this wouldn’t have happened. But the truth hurts.

A time or two when I've risk vulnerability someone has said in a knife.
Courage on your part there!

I was once so low I was standing on the balcony, 17 stories up, ready to jump.

Just saying I feel for you. Like real tears
starting. Wish I could give you a hug, some tea,
and special mom's-recipe scones!