Taking It Personally

[SalixIncendium]

Early in life I used to get outraged when someone else criticized my character, my appearance, my behaviors, or my worldview. It would affect my self-esteem, my mood, and the way I interacted with others.

Since then, I've come to a realization that what others say or do is because of them, not because of me. What they say about me or do to me is a projection their personal perception, of their own reality. I realized that what they said or did only affected me if I allowed their criticism to become a part of my own reality. I've learned not to take things personally. People will perceive me as they will. I have no control over it unless they allow my reality to become theirs.

Do you take things personally? Do you react adversely when someone attacks your beliefs, your appearance, your behaviors, or your character? Why?

Do you think such an adverse reaction is in any way productive? If so, how?

Is it productive to care about what others think of you? If so, in what way?

 

[Vinayaka]

Sometimes it's good to at least feign offense, not good for you, but good for them.

 

[Sunstone]

I look at it very much like you do, Scott. I would only add this: If you want to never reach your full potential and happiness in life, pay too much attention to your critics -- because they'll focus you on fixing your weaknesses rather than on developing your strengths -- and it's only by developing your strengths that you can reach your full potential and happiness.

 

[BSM1]

If you take things personally (like you said) the problem is with you, not the other guy. Concurrently, people can only hurt you if you allow it.

Being completely content with yourself is very liberating.

 

[BSM1]

I look at it very much like you do, Scott. I would only add this: If you want to never reach your full potential in life, pay attention to your critics -- because they'll focus you on fixing your weaknesses rather than on developing your strengths -- and it's only by developing your strengths that you can reach your full potential.

Good point. I once had an acquaintance ask me why I never got mad at what people said about or to me. I thought about and realized that if you call me a worthless SOB and I am not, then you have the problem. If you call me a worthless SOB and I am, then I have the problem. I can't do much about the former, but I can sure change the latter.

 

[Vinayaka]

Good point. I once had an acquaintance ask me why I never got mad at what people said about or to me. I thought about and realized that if you call me a worthless SOB and I am not, then you have the problem. If you call me a worthless SOB and I am, then I have the problem. I can't do much about the former, but I can sure change the latter.

Best advice I ever got on this was ... 'Consider the source.'

 

[BSM1]

Best advice I ever got on this was ... 'Consider the source.'

I actually feel a little sorry for those that feel they have to belittle others...

 

[YmirGF]

One thought I live by is the knowledge that there is virtually no possibility that anyone can be more critical of me than I already am of myself, but give it your best shot!

Do you take things personally? Do you react adversely when someone attacks your beliefs, your appearance, your behaviors, or your character? Why?

I don't normally take things personally partly because I am used to making myself the centre of attention with my silly, often highly visual, humor. I'm used to people laughing AT ME doing something foolish. (It really helps to keep your hat size down.) Aside from this, I simply don't get much criticism of any kind. I get far more criticism or demands for an explanation on RF that I do in real life.

Do you think such an adverse reaction is in any way productive? If so, how?

No, such reactions show you have pretty much missed the whole point.

Is it productive to care about what others think of you? If so, in what way?

To a degree. Their care might actually be concern with a diplomatic covering. My main advice is that IF you on the receiving end of a lot of criticism then it might be wise to at least consider the possibility that there is some truth to the criticism. People could be trying to help you recognize that you have made some poor choices. No one is perfect.

IF you have looked at the criticisms, considered the source(s), and are perfectly happy with what people are ragging on you for, then party on and damn the torpedoes!

 

[Vinayaka]

I actually feel a little sorry for those that feel they have to belittle others...

Yes, it verges on a psychological disorder. The two people I know well who did it habitually, to everyone, both had pretty insecure childhoods. Not that that means anything. Both were easy to divert though. You just had to ask them how their kids were doing, and then you could tune out for ten minutes while they bragged.

 

[Revoltingest]

Sometimes it's good to at least feign offense, not good for you, but good for them.

I've found that occasionally useful in negotiating a dispute.
Wait for the other side to commit some faux pas which they
would recognize as such. Take offense, but politely.
This puts them back on their heels.

 

[Revoltingest]

If you take things personally (like you said) the problem is with you, not the other guy. Concurrently, people can only hurt you if you allow it.
Being completely content with yourself is very liberating.

Ah, the advantage of being a codger....increased ability to be above the fray.
Of course, one can still join it, but this should be a conscious choice, & done
so with control.
As for those who are quick to abuse, insult, & fulminate. We know that this
reflects upon them, & that others see it. There's no need to defend oneself.

 

[Vinayaka]

I've found that occasionally useful in negotiating a dispute.
Wait for the other side to commit some faux pas which they
would recognize as such. Take offense, but politely.
This puts them back on their heels.

Ya gots to know yer audience. Just as good salesmen can read their potential mark, so too can you read the foe.

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

I get more offended for OTHER people than myself. If someone calls ME stupid, it's clear that they're just delusional. But if someone is being stupid themselves, then I feel bad for them and try to help them learn how they can avoid looking like such a monkey f****** a football in future conversations. This can lead to great frustration on my part, when the stupidity turns out to be actively intentional, rather than passively accidental--but that's not really the same as being offended, that's just a natural consequence of wishing I could salvage the unsalvageable.

Someone once told me this: Never attribute to deliberate stupidity or maliciousness, what can be attributed to simple incompetence.

I suspect most folk are never deliberately malicious or even stupid.

They are simply incompetent, and do not realize by how much...

 

[Revoltingest]

Someone once told me this: Never attribute to deliberate stupidity or maliciousness, what can be attributed to simple incompetence.

I suspect most folk are never deliberately malicious or even stupid.

They are simply incompetent, and do not realize by how much...

I'll add that one shouldn't be quick to accuse dishonesty.
People believe things they say far more often than not.

 

[Thief]

Early in life I used to get outraged when someone else criticized my character, my appearance, my behaviors, or my worldview. It would affect my self-esteem, my mood, and the way I interacted with others.

Since then, I've come to a realization that what others say or do is because of them, not because of me. What they say about me or do to me is a projection their personal perception, of their own reality. I realized that what they said or did only affected me if I allowed their criticism to become a part of my own reality. I've learned not to take things personally. People will perceive me as they will. I have no control over it unless they allow my reality to become theirs.

Do you take things personally? Do you react adversely when someone attacks your beliefs, your appearance, your behaviors, or your character? Why?

Do you think such an adverse reaction is in any way productive? If so, how?

Is it productive to care about what others think of you? If so, in what way?

I don't give a damn what others think.....

allow me a moment of ego thrusting.....

I have never worked among my peers
it seems....I am able anything I care to do
and even the mundane things are better when done in my hands

and yes ....I dress differently
I iron my work pants
I shine my steel toe boots
I trim my hair and beard

my handiwork is a reflection of me
in appearance and deed

 

[Revoltingest]

I don't give a damn what others think.....

allow me a moment of ego thrusting.....

I have never worked among my peers
it seems....I am able anything I care to do
and even the mundane things are better when done in my hands

and yes ....I dress differently
I iron my work pants
I shine my steel toe boots
I trim my hair and beard

my handiwork is a reflection of me
in appearance and deed

But do you iron your ninja PJs?

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

I'll add that one shouldn't be quick to accuse dishonesty.
People believe things they say far more often than not.

That is a fair criticism of me. It'll take it into advisement, and try to do better in the future.

You are correct: it's far better to phrase it "you are mistaken" rather than "YOU LIE, YOU ****!"

 

[Revoltingest]

That is a fair criticism of me. It'll take it into advisement, and try to do better in the future.

You are correct: it's far better to phrase it "you are mistaken" rather than "YOU LIE, YOU B***!"

Huh....I wasn't thinking of you at all.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

Early in life I used to get outraged when someone else criticized my character, my appearance, my behaviors, or my worldview. It would affect my self-esteem, my mood, and the way I interacted with others.

Since then, I've come to a realization that what others say or do is because of them, not because of me. What they say about me or do to me is a projection their personal perception, of their own reality. I realized that what they said or did only affected me if I allowed their criticism to become a part of my own reality. I've learned not to take things personally. People will perceive me as they will. I have no control over it unless they allow my reality to become theirs.

Do you take things personally? Do you react adversely when someone attacks your beliefs, your appearance, your behaviors, or your character? Why?

Do you think such an adverse reaction is in any way productive? If so, how?

Is it productive to care about what others think of you? If so, in what way?

I read a (Buddhist) sutta and The Buddha mentioned this. He says actions are important so much than our beliefs and perceptions. if someone hits you (judges you, etc) the result reflects them not the target. The action affects the person more than the person he directs his attention to.

Its natural to have a reaction from someone who judges you. We are attached to our identity sa who we are. So, when someone judges our beliefs, they judge us. I wouldnt say its all the other persons fault. Just each person has their own mess to deal with. How we address it to ourselves is the key not who is at fault. (Reminds me of the causality thread when the action to its cause is an illusion becuase we dont know if the person who judges actualy caused you to be insulted or did it come out of the blue. Correlation, yes. Causality?)

Is it productive? In itself, its neutral. Its depends on how you use it and learn from it. That, or set it aside to get hit again rather than changing your environment from the get-go.

 

[Axe Elf]

Someone once told me this: Never attribute to deliberate stupidity or maliciousness, what can be attributed to simple incompetence.

I suspect most folk are never deliberately malicious or even stupid.

They are simply incompetent, and do not realize by how much...

I'll add that one shouldn't be quick to accuse dishonesty.
People believe things they say far more often than not.

I tend to assume honest intentions at first, that people in error are not intentionally lying or maliciously attempting to deceive anyone else--they're probably just mistaken or ignorant or a victim of some faulty logic--so my first attempt is always a philanthropic effort to educate them on the error of their ways.

But once their error has been exposed, and they stubbornly cling to it anyway, THAT'S when the contempt sets in. Once they have been presented with, "All men are mortal, and Socrates is a man, therefore, Socrates is mortal," they're not allowed to continue to insist that Socrates is immortal without drawing their fair due of ridicule.

But again, it's not me that is offended, it is reason that is offended. As an ally of reason, I cannot abide those who offend it. I don't take it as a personal offense, I take it as an offense to humanity, and our responsibility as rational beings to hold rational beliefs.