Relationship advice/issues

[Epic Beard Man]

So I broke it off with my girlfriend....

In a nutshell she has some psychological issues concerning sexual abuse and physical abuse that she has not healed from nor does she intend to. Basically she feels that counseling does not help and that I ought to accept her baggage.

So I gave up and ended it, even though I have/had feelings for her.

The story of my life which I hate, is that I feel I wasted time and money and emotional energy on someone that was broken. Although I am physically fit and she on the chunky side, I got her on my membership so we could workout together. She loved the idea.

I told her how beautiful she is everyday. How she made me feel. Nothing was good enough and in fact she accused me of not showing her love the way she wanted. It seemed she wanted constant confirmation.

Then came the admission that she purposefully sabotage relationships due to her insecurities. Since this relationship I am pretty much fed up with women and rather just be a George Clooney and just have “friends with benefits.”

It’s sad cause I’m a young man that wants to get married and have kids but so many women have mental issues it’s hard to settle.

Advice?

 

[Stanyon]

I had a similar situation years ago and quite honestly it came down to me having to break it off because of the very same issues, I realized that no matter how much you love someone you can't make them love themselves and if they aren't even willing to confront those issues within themselves what's the point of continuing?

 

[YmirGF]

I never encountered mental issues in personal relationships, myself, until I asked my sister to come and live on the property while I settled the estate issues. I really don't know why I proposed this as I was well aware of her ongoing issues. It has been a fairly rocky road, but she has improved - albeit slightly. Like your girlfriend, she does not want to move to resolve her issues. She figures she can work it out herself in spite of her miserable success in this are prior to this. Part of the problem is that she doesn't think very deeply about, well, anything, and as soon as she spots a truth of some kind she impulsively runs screaming in the opposite direction.

Fortunately, the whole issue, and my involvement will be ended by the end of August. I've put up with it for two mind-numbing years thus far and that is a mere hop, skip and jump away. She is moving to Washington State! I couldn't be happier though I have great pity for my eldest sister who is taking her in. Eldest hasn't taken my advice as to proceed extremely cautiously, but, oh well, it's not going to be my problem soon enough.

As I moved back into saner relationships, I plan to be especially cautious about those to whom I admit to the inner circle. I'll be watching for warning signs. I'd suggest that you also look at those you are attracted to and try to determine whether it is your target group that is the problem.

 

[Jainarayan]

Don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you were very loving and supportive, but she doesn't want the help. Can't force it on someone. You did for her, now you have to do for you. Pray for her if you're a praying man, but I think you did everything you could. Some people consciously or subconsciously try to bring people down with them. My advice... move along and build your life.

 

[PureX]

All good and reasonable responses above. I can think of nothing to add.

 

[BSM1]

So I broke it off with my girlfriend....

In a nutshell she has some psychological issues concerning sexual abuse and physical abuse that she has not healed from nor does she intend to. Basically she feels that counseling does not help and that I ought to accept her baggage.

So I gave up and ended it, even though I have/had feelings for her.

The story of my life which I hate, is that I feel I wasted time and money and emotional energy on someone that was broken. Although I am physically fit and she on the chunky side, I got her on my membership so we could workout together. She loved the idea.

I told her how beautiful she is everyday. How she made me feel. Nothing was good enough and in fact she accused me of not showing her love the way she wanted. It seemed she wanted constant confirmation.

Then came the admission that she purposefully sabotage relationships due to her insecurities. Since this relationship I am pretty much fed up with women and rather just be a George Clooney and just have “friends with benefits.”

It’s sad cause I’m a young man that wants to get married and have kids but so many women have mental issues it’s hard to settle.

Advice?

I know how tough this can be. I have had to deal with this but not so pronounced, fortunately. I think the problem, as I see it, is two pronged. One, the person is dealing with the hurt, anguish, remorse, guilt--whatever of the incident. This is fairly evident. But deep down it seems that the person doesn't want to let go because they tend to feel like this pain/incident is totally theirs--they own it and nobody has the right to take this from them. It's hard to get them to let go of this when they live with this mindset. I'm truly sorry you were not enough for her for both your sakes, but don't beat yourself up or take it personally. Some people cannot be saved until they want to. Good luck on the next on (and there will be a next one).

 

[England my lionheart]

So I broke it off with my girlfriend....

In a nutshell she has some psychological issues concerning sexual abuse and physical abuse that she has not healed from nor does she intend to. Basically she feels that counseling does not help and that I ought to accept her baggage.

So I gave up and ended it, even though I have/had feelings for her.

The story of my life which I hate, is that I feel I wasted time and money and emotional energy on someone that was broken. Although I am physically fit and she on the chunky side, I got her on my membership so we could workout together. She loved the idea.

I told her how beautiful she is everyday. How she made me feel. Nothing was good enough and in fact she accused me of not showing her love the way she wanted. It seemed she wanted constant confirmation.

Then came the admission that she purposefully sabotage relationships due to her insecurities. Since this relationship I am pretty much fed up with women and rather just be a George Clooney and just have “friends with benefits.”

It’s sad cause I’m a young man that wants to get married and have kids but so many women have mental issues it’s hard to settle.

Advice?

You did your best but someone who carries the scars of sexual or physical abuse can't let go, for many,ever, so ask yourself, would you want to be a crutch all your married life.

Imo move on, your young and fit, there's good odds of meeting the right one for you but practice makes perfect so meet many and you'll get there in the end.

 

[A Vestigial Mote]

Probably of minor consolation, but my guess is that you will be better off without the negative influence in your life that she brought to the table. I've had my fair share of give-take/take/take relationships. I have found myself a few times in the position of second-guessing everything I think to do trying to be good to or please the other person, and finally ended on giving up - because every reaction they had was contrary not only to my expectations, but also to their explicitly professed desires!

• "Nobody is proud of me." - so you credit them their successes and what do they do? Continue to belittle themselves - even right after compliments.
• "Do you think I am pretty?" still asking no matter how often you have told them without prompting, only to be told (in not so many words) that it isn't what YOU think that matters (Wha...?) ... it's what everyone else thinks.
• "Tell me what you like about me." So you do, but you're not going to make things up or lie. So when the set of things you tell them doesn't line up with all the things they want to hear (or want desperately to be true but flat-out aren't), you're the bad guy.

Not sure how much you identify with of the above, but in my experience it is mind games like those that make you know you are not being supported whatsoever by your partner, and going it alone for a time is certainly a better option.

 

[Dawnofhope]

So I broke it off with my girlfriend....

In a nutshell she has some psychological issues concerning sexual abuse and physical abuse that she has not healed from nor does she intend to. Basically she feels that counseling does not help and that I ought to accept her baggage.

So I gave up and ended it, even though I have/had feelings for her.

The story of my life which I hate, is that I feel I wasted time and money and emotional energy on someone that was broken. Although I am physically fit and she on the chunky side, I got her on my membership so we could workout together. She loved the idea.

I told her how beautiful she is everyday. How she made me feel. Nothing was good enough and in fact she accused me of not showing her love the way she wanted. It seemed she wanted constant confirmation.

Then came the admission that she purposefully sabotage relationships due to her insecurities. Since this relationship I am pretty much fed up with women and rather just be a George Clooney and just have “friends with benefits.”

It’s sad cause I’m a young man that wants to get married and have kids but so many women have mental issues it’s hard to settle.

Advice?

It reminds me of a failed relationship I had with a classmate when I was studying at medical school nearly 25 years ago. Despite very strong feelings on both sides her emotional issues were too great for the relationship to work. I had the good sense to end it as soon as this became clear. In hindsight, despite the intense pain at the time, the experience may have been necessary to clarify the personal qualities that are required from both partners to enable a relationship to work. I’ve been married for nearly 20 years now and have a couple of teenage children.

Give relationships a break for a while but don’t give up. There are many woman out there that have what it takes to make a relationship work. The best thing you can do is to ensure you too have what it takes to go the distance.

 

[SalixIncendium]

So I broke it off with my girlfriend....

In a nutshell she has some psychological issues concerning sexual abuse and physical abuse that she has not healed from nor does she intend to. Basically she feels that counseling does not help and that I ought to accept her baggage.

So I gave up and ended it, even though I have/had feelings for her.

The story of my life which I hate, is that I feel I wasted time and money and emotional energy on someone that was broken. Although I am physically fit and she on the chunky side, I got her on my membership so we could workout together. She loved the idea.

I told her how beautiful she is everyday. How she made me feel. Nothing was good enough and in fact she accused me of not showing her love the way she wanted. It seemed she wanted constant confirmation.

Then came the admission that she purposefully sabotage relationships due to her insecurities. Since this relationship I am pretty much fed up with women and rather just be a George Clooney and just have “friends with benefits.”

It’s sad cause I’m a young man that wants to get married and have kids but so many women have mental issues it’s hard to settle.

Advice?

You described my second marriage almost to a tee.

Speaking as someone who had been through a similar relationship, I offer that no matter how much love you have to give, it is deflected by someone who does not love oneself.

Experience has taught me, the only way you will make yourself happy is to accept someone for who they are. In other words, you cannot 'fix' anyone who has decided they are not 'broken.'

Feel free to PM me if you ever wish to talk.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

Thank you all for very sound advice. You all basically are echoing what I've thought. I understand there is two sides and that she is not here to speak for herself, but outside of the actual details of the abuse themselves, there is nothing she could say different if she were here reading this. You know I would have loved for her to do counseling and I told her I'd be there but as you all have stated, I cannot force the help. One problem I can definitely say I need to change within myself as a man, is to stop comparing my young professional life with my colleagues such as not having a family, home, etc. I'm already a clinician by profession, its sad I have to be in my own personal life as well.