Let me! Let me! I wanna do it!
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Hot, Sexy, Sexual Resumes! Get Yours Before They Melt!
- Thread starter Sunstone
- Start date
Let me! Let me! I wanna do it!
Oh jeez, do you really wonder what it says about me? ...Here's my resume:
RESUME OF MYSTIC
Whore.
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Any questions?
I like your writing style. It's succinct.
Too many people bulk up their resumes with needless filler.
But you over-did it by leaving out your whip skillset.
RESUME OF LEWISNOTMILLER
JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually confused Melbourne based partner of a small IT consulting firm eagerly seeks exciting companion for long, romantic candlelight diners, and leisurely enjoyed sunlit afternoons, spent in stirring conversations about the challenges facing small businesses in the Information Technology field. Whips and leather a must.
QUALIFICATIONS: Brilliantly hard-working, the applicant is the "go-to" man for his firm's clients when they are most in need of solutions to especially stubborn and entrenched problems. His powerful and oftentimes thrilling command of IT facts and figures has repeatedly proven itself to be the primary asset he brings to nearly every conversation, both on and off the job. It is enviously said of him by other IT professionals that he "could put a kangaroo to sleep in mid-hop". Any objective appraisal of his most valuable attributes, however, will include his wide ranging curiosity, his kindness towards others (kangaroos not included), his lack of any pronounced egotism, and his possession of a sense of humor so impressively subtle it's quite possible no one has ever quite gotten one of his jokes.
WORK HISTORY:
Immediately prior to launching his current partnership, the applicant was gainfully self-employed as a towel monger to many of Australia's finest houses of prostitution. Starting from scratch, he rapidly grew his business through direct mail advertising, competitive price cutting, and an elite outside sales force comprised of gifted tongue artists willing to exchange their favors with the madams for exclusive contracts. Unfortunately, he unwisely sold his business to an itinerant door-to-door paperclip salesman who soon defaulted on his payments.
Senior Executive, Australian Organization for the Promotion of Genital Creams and Lotions: A not-for-profit trade group lobbying the world's governments for laws and treaties favorable to the interests of its members. In his capacity with the AOPGCL (pronounced, as with everything else Australian, as "beer"), the applicant was crucially instrumental in overcoming foreign regulations and tariffs limiting the importation of cheap Aussie products made with slave koala bear labor. He was scandalously forced to resign, however, when his masochistic sexual liaison with a dominant jar of Ted's Pubic Hair Wax became widely known within the organization.
EDUCATION:
Thorough, self-directed readings in IT using the industry's trade magazines, operations manuals, and product labels as primary resources.
Graduate with Honors, Australian Institute of Minerals and Masochism.
REFERENCES:
Ted's Pubic Hair Wax (16oz size jar, serial number A4862-7496-9B777, manufactured at Melbourne, August 9th, 2001)
Ms. Ferkle Stanton (sole proprietor, Ferkle's Pleasure House)
JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually confused Melbourne based partner of a small IT consulting firm eagerly seeks exciting companion for long, romantic candlelight diners, and leisurely enjoyed sunlit afternoons, spent in stirring conversations about the challenges facing small businesses in the Information Technology field. Whips and leather a must.
QUALIFICATIONS: Brilliantly hard-working, the applicant is the "go-to" man for his firm's clients when they are most in need of solutions to especially stubborn and entrenched problems. His powerful and oftentimes thrilling command of IT facts and figures has repeatedly proven itself to be the primary asset he brings to nearly every conversation, both on and off the job. It is enviously said of him by other IT professionals that he "could put a kangaroo to sleep in mid-hop". Any objective appraisal of his most valuable attributes, however, will include his wide ranging curiosity, his kindness towards others (kangaroos not included), his lack of any pronounced egotism, and his possession of a sense of humor so impressively subtle it's quite possible no one has ever quite gotten one of his jokes.
WORK HISTORY:
Immediately prior to launching his current partnership, the applicant was gainfully self-employed as a towel monger to many of Australia's finest houses of prostitution. Starting from scratch, he rapidly grew his business through direct mail advertising, competitive price cutting, and an elite outside sales force comprised of gifted tongue artists willing to exchange their favors with the madams for exclusive contracts. Unfortunately, he unwisely sold his business to an itinerant door-to-door paperclip salesman who soon defaulted on his payments.
Senior Executive, Australian Organization for the Promotion of Genital Creams and Lotions: A not-for-profit trade group lobbying the world's governments for laws and treaties favorable to the interests of its members. In his capacity with the AOPGCL (pronounced, as with everything else Australian, as "beer"), the applicant was crucially instrumental in overcoming foreign regulations and tariffs limiting the importation of cheap Aussie products made with slave koala bear labor. He was scandalously forced to resign, however, when his masochistic sexual liaison with a dominant jar of Ted's Pubic Hair Wax became widely known within the organization.
EDUCATION:
Thorough, self-directed readings in IT using the industry's trade magazines, operations manuals, and product labels as primary resources.
Graduate with Honors, Australian Institute of Minerals and Masochism.
REFERENCES:
Ted's Pubic Hair Wax (16oz size jar, serial number A4862-7496-9B777, manufactured at Melbourne, August 9th, 2001)
Ms. Ferkle Stanton (sole proprietor, Ferkle's Pleasure House)
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chinu
chinu
What do you mean by.. LMAO! ? sexy you mean ?I'm LMAO!
If you would like to write a resume for me, go for it!
chinu
chinu
But that's not sexy.
Indeed.
LMAO...I too am unsexy. And Sunstone has me grinning like a loon.
BeckyRose1998
PICKLES THE KID
Sunstone, do mine!!!
RESUME OF CROSSFIRE
JOB OBJECTIVE: The sole proprietor of America's finest and only bordello featuring a staff exclusively comprised of blissful mystics and/or itinerant Tibetan yak herders is passively seeking a sexually incompetent moron to facilitate her escape from all attachment to sex. Moron must be male, possess many unhygienic habits, and be in command of a large vocabulary of varied and distinct grunts.
QUALIFICATIONS: The proprietor harbors substantial knowledge of the world's mystic literature combined with genuine insight into its meanings. She also currently harbors insatiable lusts of phenomenal proportions, including a pressing hunger to wantonly engage in sexual acts simultaneously involving three men, a minimum of six squirrels, a bushel of cucumbers, and a rotary water pump converted to domestic use. Lube provided on the house.
WORK HISTORY:
Before her current occupation, the proprietor experienced a long and frightening period of unemployment. One night, she set out on a long, distraught walk to think about her financial condition whereupon she was soon sexually propositioned by a well-off merchant of women's cotton drawers. In payment for her favors, he left her with two truck loads of pink underwear which she sold the next day to the pastor of a mega-church with a fetish for publicly burning the undergarments of prostitutes. She then invested the proceeds into acquiring a defunct chipmunk ranch, which she turned into a bordello with a Zen garden.
Private Investigator with Snuthers and Lyle, Attorneys at Law: Chiefly responsible for uncovering the facts that resulted in the now famous product liability lawsuit against the China-based Happy Handful Dildo Company. Her investigation revealed the motor of the company's Desire Dragon Dildo was dangerously prone to racing out of control, and had thus been instrumental in causing sixteen tragically untimely, but strangely happy, deaths.
EDUCATION:
Current student of Sensei Watanabe Emiko, Originator of the Yamada path to realization through humping like rabbit.
Liberal Arts Degree in Ant Farming, Hawaian Institute of Insect Husbandry.
REFERENCES:
Agent Robert Yerks (Federal Vice Enforcement, Division for the Investigation of Crazy Ladies)
JOB OBJECTIVE: The sole proprietor of America's finest and only bordello featuring a staff exclusively comprised of blissful mystics and/or itinerant Tibetan yak herders is passively seeking a sexually incompetent moron to facilitate her escape from all attachment to sex. Moron must be male, possess many unhygienic habits, and be in command of a large vocabulary of varied and distinct grunts.
QUALIFICATIONS: The proprietor harbors substantial knowledge of the world's mystic literature combined with genuine insight into its meanings. She also currently harbors insatiable lusts of phenomenal proportions, including a pressing hunger to wantonly engage in sexual acts simultaneously involving three men, a minimum of six squirrels, a bushel of cucumbers, and a rotary water pump converted to domestic use. Lube provided on the house.
WORK HISTORY:
Before her current occupation, the proprietor experienced a long and frightening period of unemployment. One night, she set out on a long, distraught walk to think about her financial condition whereupon she was soon sexually propositioned by a well-off merchant of women's cotton drawers. In payment for her favors, he left her with two truck loads of pink underwear which she sold the next day to the pastor of a mega-church with a fetish for publicly burning the undergarments of prostitutes. She then invested the proceeds into acquiring a defunct chipmunk ranch, which she turned into a bordello with a Zen garden.
Private Investigator with Snuthers and Lyle, Attorneys at Law: Chiefly responsible for uncovering the facts that resulted in the now famous product liability lawsuit against the China-based Happy Handful Dildo Company. Her investigation revealed the motor of the company's Desire Dragon Dildo was dangerously prone to racing out of control, and had thus been instrumental in causing sixteen tragically untimely, but strangely happy, deaths.
EDUCATION:
Current student of Sensei Watanabe Emiko, Originator of the Yamada path to realization through humping like rabbit.
Liberal Arts Degree in Ant Farming, Hawaian Institute of Insect Husbandry.
REFERENCES:
Agent Robert Yerks (Federal Vice Enforcement, Division for the Investigation of Crazy Ladies)
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chinu
chinu
From now onwards its not for free, So you have to pay for this, Now.Sunstone, do mine!!!
Perhaps. There were plenty of other skillsets I left out, too. "Whore" was a descriptor that I felt was accurate overall.
Sunstone, do mine!!!
I'll think about it, and if something comes to me, I'll give it a shot. No guarantees.
Horrorble
Well-Known Member
Perhaps. There were plenty of other skillsets I left out, too. "Whore" was a descriptor that I felt was accurate overall.
Come on Mystic you can do better then that!
Consider that you're making a case to a potential employer that you are the one to hire. You want to paint cogent yet brief picture of what you will accomplish. Toward this end you should describe what you've accomplished, & what relevant skills you bring to the table. Ideally, it would all fit on a single easily read sheet of paper. This gets you noticed, & then the following interviews will address specific concerns (both yours & theirs).Perhaps. There were plenty of other skillsets I left out, too. "Whore" was a descriptor that I felt was accurate overall.
Pay attention to my advice, for I am expert at not being hired by most of the Fortune 500 companies.
Oh boy....
- Whore
- Whip expert (among other weapons)
- Proficient in both the vanilla and dark sexual arts
- Possesses a sense of humor and laughs at herself and the absurdities that come with sexual situations
- Tough as nails and can drive people crazy. Keep up or have a nice life.
- Easy, but never cheap. Bring your best and pay with your ego.
- You will either be liberated or destroyed. Your choice.
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I haven't asked Sunstone to write mine because I fear I will want to remind him of paying me the money he owes me, which will derail the thread further. But, I suck at writing, so this is the best I can do for now.
This is a fine start, but employers will want to know what you've actually accomplished.
A sample:
2007-2009 As Chief Dominatrix for Goys R Us, I expanded their business from Christian submissives to a
broader clientele, boosting gross revenue from $10M/year to over $65M/year, with net profit rising 700%.