RESUME OF DRAKA
JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually inquisitive and open-minded, the applicant urgently seeks an unusually resolute partner to help her break through the carved-in-stone Iowan sexual rules and boundaries. It is absolutely crucial the partner be in excellent health, possess exceptional energy, and have the strength of will necessary to join her in blowing past the deeply ingrained local custom of pessimistically discussing the year's corn crop as foreplay. Desire for actual intercourse is optional.
QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is a middle-aged woman currently peaking in horniness. Only the August corn grows faster than her thriving desires. --- Ooops! We weren't going to talk about corn. --- She is enthusiastically open to experiment, has reached the age of sexual confidence, is a considerate lover, and brings to the table (or to the bed, the living room carpet, the local park, the downtown rooftops, the occasional alley, and, of course, the dark movie theaters) a mischievous nature sufficiently moderated by her good sense, kindness, and high ethical standards.
WORK HISTORY:
Padawan, Uncle Sunstone's Cyber-Gakkou and Sex Scam: The applicant's demanding responsibilities include the crucial task of frequently making Uncle Sunstone just as firm and fully engorged as a bursting ear of Iowa corn. --- Oh, sorry, that corn reference just slipped out. I'm absolutely not thinking of foreplay. --- Significantly she is also entrusted with intercepting and diverting to the toxic waste bin any deep-fried macaroni and cheese that Uncle Sunstone has generously cooked for the padawans. She has performed her assignments with such competence and enthusiasm that Uncle Sunstone once sought to pin a medal of commendation on her, but could find no clothing to pin it to.
Counselor, Davenport Shelter for Persons Emotionally Traumatized by Sexual Foreplay: The applicant achieved unprecedented rates of client recovery through her creation and implementation of the brilliant "Davenport Method", which seeks to restore enthusiasm for foreplay by encouraging the client to unwaveringly focus their imagination on the alluring and timeless attraction of slowly running their hands through a sheep's wool whenever they feel a desire to discuss the year's corn crop.
EDUCATION:
Iowan Institute of Psychotherapy and Agriculture. Wrote her senior thesis on the theoretical possibilities of substituting soybeans for corn during foreplay without thereby destroying any hope an Iowan would naturally have of becoming excited.
Deep Soil Institute of Keokuk. Graduated with High Honors in Mud Wrestling.
REFERENCES:
Steve Porkenson, Director, Iowa Refuge and Asylum for Persons Severely Traumatized by the Davenport Method.
Werner Yerklestop, Chief Rescue Officer, Cults and Clans Division, Davenport Police Department, Sunstone Investigation Squad.
JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexually inquisitive and open-minded, the applicant urgently seeks an unusually resolute partner to help her break through the carved-in-stone Iowan sexual rules and boundaries. It is absolutely crucial the partner be in excellent health, possess exceptional energy, and have the strength of will necessary to join her in blowing past the deeply ingrained local custom of pessimistically discussing the year's corn crop as foreplay. Desire for actual intercourse is optional.
QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is a middle-aged woman currently peaking in horniness. Only the August corn grows faster than her thriving desires. --- Ooops! We weren't going to talk about corn. --- She is enthusiastically open to experiment, has reached the age of sexual confidence, is a considerate lover, and brings to the table (or to the bed, the living room carpet, the local park, the downtown rooftops, the occasional alley, and, of course, the dark movie theaters) a mischievous nature sufficiently moderated by her good sense, kindness, and high ethical standards.
WORK HISTORY:
Padawan, Uncle Sunstone's Cyber-Gakkou and Sex Scam: The applicant's demanding responsibilities include the crucial task of frequently making Uncle Sunstone just as firm and fully engorged as a bursting ear of Iowa corn. --- Oh, sorry, that corn reference just slipped out. I'm absolutely not thinking of foreplay. --- Significantly she is also entrusted with intercepting and diverting to the toxic waste bin any deep-fried macaroni and cheese that Uncle Sunstone has generously cooked for the padawans. She has performed her assignments with such competence and enthusiasm that Uncle Sunstone once sought to pin a medal of commendation on her, but could find no clothing to pin it to.
Counselor, Davenport Shelter for Persons Emotionally Traumatized by Sexual Foreplay: The applicant achieved unprecedented rates of client recovery through her creation and implementation of the brilliant "Davenport Method", which seeks to restore enthusiasm for foreplay by encouraging the client to unwaveringly focus their imagination on the alluring and timeless attraction of slowly running their hands through a sheep's wool whenever they feel a desire to discuss the year's corn crop.
EDUCATION:
Iowan Institute of Psychotherapy and Agriculture. Wrote her senior thesis on the theoretical possibilities of substituting soybeans for corn during foreplay without thereby destroying any hope an Iowan would naturally have of becoming excited.
Deep Soil Institute of Keokuk. Graduated with High Honors in Mud Wrestling.
REFERENCES:
Steve Porkenson, Director, Iowa Refuge and Asylum for Persons Severely Traumatized by the Davenport Method.
Werner Yerklestop, Chief Rescue Officer, Cults and Clans Division, Davenport Police Department, Sunstone Investigation Squad.
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