Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

[Riders]

I've been taking CBD for my restless leg syndrome for the last 2 nights. It's working but I'm staying up some but I am kind of out of it. But it's better than having the pain. I hope it keeps working, I quit taking the pain meds my Dr, gave to me because they don't work. My Dr won't approve but I need pain relief.

 

[Riders]

Since the screw fell off my walker I have not done as much walking. I may have to buy a new walker. I still weigh 300 as far as I know,299, and I need to weigh this week. I've been on my food plan for 3 days now yay! I am looking for a single piece of the desert from Amazon.

I think they have a few, a single serving pies, one for Thursday when I get my groceries. So if I crave deserts anymore I should get just one serving of it, if nothing else they have candy bars at Amazon, I can get one single serving candy bar.

Payday used to be my favorite but I can't eat nuts anymore. I like york Peppermint patties and rollos.

I've had 2 cokes for today, I am getting one more its 450 calories altogether, and my 2 Slimfast bars were 360 and my bumble bee chicken salad kit was 140 so that's 950 calories for today. My sister hates it when I just eat junk and stay on my food plan by eating small amounts. Calorie wise I should lose weight but it's not healthy weight loss, I should eat some more protein.

 

[Riders]

So I ate the Tuna Creations with herbs in them last night which was good. So the thing about AA is that I saw my Mom stop drinking and she tried to stop several times but once you're addicted to drugs or alcohol it is so hard to stop. My Mom spent 6 months after she got out of detox in a psych ward, in a woman's halfway for alcoholic and drug addict women.

Personally, I believe it takes living away from your old situation either in the long-term treatment center or halfway or 3 quarters way house. It may seem tough, but most will not ever get out of their addiction unless they do. Some Atheists will have to learn to hold their ears and ignore spiritual talk.

Some Atheists get sober in AA but mostly it's spiritual folks who believe in a higher power. It's hard to start a new lifestyle and be reborn without it. I mean some Atheists do meditate or chant instead of pray and that's ok. But it has such a strong hold on people, changing your associations, playmates, sometimes job, sometimes the place you live your whole lifestyle has to change. it's hard.

Getting off of food is very hard because I won't ever go bankrupt or lose money over it, it's cheap. You have to eat so it is different and in some ways harder. This is my 4th day on my food plan. Someone in my chat room got mad at me the other day because I talked about sin (though I am not Christian I use the term). She said it was an abusive term, but I don't know how else to talk about addiction except to say it's a disease.

 

[Riders]

So I am sick, I have some sort of infection. I am doing a video-based Dr.s visit tomorrow. I weighed today, in the last 2 weeks I have lost 2 pounds, and I am happy with that. However, I binged 6 days last week, if I had not who knows maybe I would've dropped 8 pounds. Still, I'm satisfied with my 297 pounds. it's 33 pounds of weight loss altogether.

 

[Riders]

My ears and throat are killing me today. I might end up binging. I finally made the home-based doctor's visit. I was worried they might say it's allergies, she almost did but then sent out the Doxicilan for my antibiotic. So I hope my antibiotic works.
They said to go see a Dr in person if this doesn't work. I can't get out right now. If it keeps it up I might call the Dr who came out and saw me here 9 months ago.

I use food for pain at times, it's like an alcoholic who medicates themself with alcohol.

 

[Riders]

Well, Primacare changed my prescription to Zpack antibiotic. It usually works, hopefully, it will now. I'm watching the Rich Mullins movie Ragamuffin. Now and then I like a little bit of Christian entertainment. Though I am not Christian, really many different religious songs and movies are uplifting to me. If it's got an uplifting message it's good. I have had a lot of pain today.

 

[Riders]

Here is some non Christian Native American inspiration

 

[Riders]

The last few days have been a disaster. My tv and computer have not been picking up the wifi back here and my sister doesn't know the old password she use to have for wifi when I first came here. She's sending over Orland sometime to see if he can fix it. Right now my computer is working for some reason started back up last night but not my tv. I'm getting a new tablet from Tmobile next week that does not run on wifi and does not need it.

My cat Cali got out of my apartment for the first time and into the garage last night. My sister and her husband looked all over for her I sat in the hot garage for a while calling her. We finally gave up and decided she must have gotten out on the street somehow when the garage door was open. But she came back last night hooray! I let the door open with her food there and she came in.

My sister was so happy. I can't change her liter box yet, it's too heavy. My sister comes by and changes it for e every couple of days and feeds and waters her enough for a couple of days. She only does it because Cali was my Mother's cat.
I have known Cali for all 12 years of her life. When I lived with her at my parent's house she would not let me pet her when my Mom was alive. When my Mom died she started letting me pet her and getting to know me.

So when we moved away from the house, my sister wanted me to take her because Cali knows me, and she feels safe with me so the move away from my parent's house was not hard on her and she adjusted to the apartment well. She lies in my lap these days. I am so glad she's home.

 

[Riders]

So I've been listening to the news.The whales.one of them crashed up into a boat looking for food. The whales and sharks are having problems finding food. It's because of global warming. So now some of them are a danger to humans in the ocean.
I am so sorry that our animals are going through this because of our selfishness.Its terrible.

 

[Riders]

I had a rough time last week. I still have my wound. I have 2 nurses one is a wound care nurse who makes decisions on how my wound is treated. The other nurse says the wound care nurse needs to come up with a new plan for healing my wound.

My restless leg syndrome came back with a vengeance this week. I stayed up all night till 8 the next morning walking to get rid of sudden pain attacks in my legs and knees from the muscles squeezing together without me moving them. It's like they tighten up and get stiff and it hurts. Then usually my legs or knee will jump without me moving them.

I did do a lot of walking with my walker. I am getting a new walker tomorrow. It has a seat that holds up to 400 pounds.

I am planning on next month in September getting my niece Ashlyn out here to help me by getting me out in the garage and walking. I can't wait.

 

[Riders]

So I started looking for a telesales job again. I really wanted something easy so I could work maybe 15 hours a week and that's hard to find. This time I found 3 or 4 jobs I would like on Craigslist. I found a construction place that is hiring appointment setters usually they are primarily roofing companies.

I use to call for roofing companies all the time, but it was hard and boring and I decided not to do it anymore. But this company has roofing but also a lot of renovating and remodeling windows siding flooring all sorts of stuff. So I decided to write them they called me.

The manager was trying to get me to come up with ideas of assuring him I could get a lot of appointments. I said I charge a certain amount per appointment but only after they show up and your sales team pitches them. So I don't get paid unless the sales pitch is made that way you don't lose anything. You can decide to keep me or fire me. He again asked me though how he could be guaranteed high sales from a superstar.

I gave up and said I can't promise anything, I need to do something else thanks for the opportunity. He called back and said forget about the conversation let's just hire you and see how you work out. I said ok. But he had no idea of how to come up with free resident leads online, so there was still a problem but I fixed it. I will also write a script for him.

But this may be too much work and I might not be able to get him any appointments or not enough. All I can do is try but if I get too tired I'll have to stop.


I am off my food plan today. I order off my cell phone and get crab and shrimp dip with restaurant style chips with it it's so yummy.

 

[Riders]

No, I did not take the job I quit tonight. The hours and work are too rough for me. I put another ad out on craigslist for chat buddy through text only. I have done that 5 or 10 times and usually I back out of it and take it down or I don't like the men writing me, or they are too young, sometimes, they are married guys looking for sex, sometimes send a young cute picture and I suspect them of scamming me.

Sometimes, I just don't find anyone I can mesh with or relate to. For the last 2 days, I have been talking to a guy who is crazy about classic rock, Zepplin is his favorite, he loves 80's hard rock too, we both love movies and talking about celebrities, he like me likes to watch biographies of celebrities. We talked all night tonight and I loosened up with him.

But however, he had a moment, he told me he has to travel a lot and spend time in motels. he also told me he watches porn which is fine with me. As long as he's not a porn addict dragging me down with him I don't mind. But I may be meshing so well because we're both addicts but hopefully I am wrong about that and he will keep his porn to himself and I won't hear about it anymore.


It was nice though. I laid back with a guy and chatted it up all night. It's been a long time since I have done that. He is 58 years old 3 years older than me, and not a Christian. We had some Patrick Swazee talk and John Travolta talk after watching Saturday Night Fever and Dirty Dancing, it was fun.

 

[Riders]

Well, he is gone, stopped texting me! I just texted one last time and I will give him the rest of the night but I think he's done with me. He did say he wanted me to look at porn so that could've been the deal breaker especially if he is addicted to porn and or sex which may be one reason I was so relaxed with him.

Anyways I am talking to one more guy. I tried 2 others, but they dropped off, we will see if this guy does too. He's only 50 so. If they are looking for romance I stop them, they are the ones who could be scammers.


But if none of them work out I am not worried, I have a chat room and several chat rooms I can go to. I am still off my diet. I plan to get back on my food plan tomorrow.

 

[Riders]

I take it all back we are texting now. But I got a good idea we won't be doing anything except texting. He travels all over so not sure how we would ever meet. So I guess we will be just chatting.

 

[Riders]

So this is 5 days off of my food plan. I have a hard time not eating out when I have money to. I should just order healthy. I've been eating too much junk. I can get steak and chicken and baked potato at a steak house, that's what I should order.

Genghis Grill has healthy, I can get beef, steak, and chicken on top of brown rice, and the veggies and spices I want on it. I should do that.

I feel like I am similar to Sean on My 600 Pound Life. He died of obesity. He kept putting his weight back on from all the ordering in he did, 189 pounds in 6 weeks. He was eating like 1000 dollars a week in order in foods, that's the advice I gave him. If he has the money to order it like that why not just order healthy? Ok, I am not ordering in for the rest of the month unless it's healthy.

I need to be back on my Over Eaters Anonymous program.

 

[Riders]

So I stayed off my food plan again today. I am going to take the advice-giving I wanted to, to Sean. I am getting the Subway sandwiches on whole wheat and low fat this week. The rotisserie chicken and low-fat ham. I found some already cooked fajita chicken meat on Amazon. Maybe I will get some taco shells and Picante sauce yum.

I don't have a hard time eating bread made from corn, I lose weight and my blood sugar stays low on it. A lot of nutritionists say it's bad for any kind of corn product.

Some say the fat on catfish is bad too but some say catfish has healthy fats. I have eaten a ton of catfish when I was losing weight so. So I don't always take advice of health experts.

here are The Osmonds

 

[Riders]

Ok I got back on my food plan today and yesterday I only had too much coke so yesterday was better. Today I am drinking diet A and W rootbeer. I ate a Subway sandwich for lunch. I only have enough money to get one sandwich a day for lunch then I'll eat my stuff for dinner and breakfast. I don't know if I can do that next week or not it's too expensive. I am also drinking Crystal Light Fruit Punch.

I have my new walker, I am still getting used to it I need to be walking around with it a lot so I can walk out in the garage next month.

 

[Riders]

So my guy friend dropped me off a couple of days ago. I decided not to have any more chat buddies. The reason is if were just chatting and not going out there's really no way for me to verify if he isn't married. He said he wasn't
t but how do I know he's telling the truth? If we meet in person he can meet my sister and be seen with me in public with me he will more than likely be single.

But I don't have to be alone I have my chat rooms. I enjoyed talking about music with that guy, there is a music chat room I can go to. I think I will spend more time there.

Anyways I have been watching more Dr. Phil catfish shows. I have now seen 2 different shows where they thought they were having a relationship with a celebrity. I am glad when I use to be obsessive with celebrities, I never went crazy like that. Anyways one woman had been going to several different concerts by this country western singer.

He saw her on the front row and looked into her eyes,smiled at her made eye contact and said something nice and she misread it as him wanting in a relationship with her.

So anyways the singer was told about her and said yes I looked her in the eye and smiled and said something friendly because I do that with all my fans, out of respect and thankfulness for them. So when he said I do that for all my fans I guess she understood she was wrong.

Anyways 10 years ago when I went to a New Kids On The Block concert I got an up-close seat that had an empty row where the guys could walk right behind me. They came out a couple of them on the row. Danny Wood was walking straight toward me and I put my hand up to get a high five he walked straight up to me looked into my eyes smiled and high-fived me.

But I talked about that with some of the other fans and they told me the same thing, Danny Wood is known for giving out high fives and staring into your eyes, he does that for all the fans so, of course, it's not personal. I think it's nice that he does that for his fans!

 

[Riders]

Anyways, I saw enough of those scam me scampish videos to be sick. But amazingly enough, some of the women are beautiful, who have been scammed so it's not all fat ladies like me. But just because he's a younger man does not automatically make it a financial scam. But it should be pointed out that there are other ways to be taken advantage of than just money.

Mike was an 18-year-old guy hanging out by the swimming pool at my apartments 10 years ago. He helped me out of the pool and walked me back to my apartment. I carded him and saw his driver's license before I let him in. We fooled around at first. But looking back I truly think he was a virgin. He was obese too so not so much a looker.

He would come by once a month for about a year and a half, sometimes, he would bang on my door and come in he and his friends were doing drugs, he just wanted to talk and sounded high yes, he'd get high before he came over.

But we ended up having intercourse a few times and he was not experienced, and he was rough with me, I cried because he hurt me. I told my family what had been going on and they wanted me to call the police the next time he showed up. He never showed up again. But I was so upset last time he saw me I don't know he may have gotten scared of me going to the police who knows.

But I got rid of him, good riddance. Since then I really don't have any desire to be with a young good looking guy. He's got to be 45 or older to get involved with me. So when I have seen these ridiculous catfishers try to connect with me on dating apps in the past, especially the ones with good-looking military profiles, I laugh at them. But I am not using dating apps anymore.

If I get lonely I go to my religious and musical chat rooms to have a good clean chat it is clean and they keep me company for now. I like watching Dr. Phil's shows on catfishing.

 

[Riders]

So I watched the new movie about Elvis Pressly last night and today. It starts off with the Kernal (the guy who promoted Elvis) talking and rambling on about how he did not cheat Elvis. I think he did Elvis was rich anyways but he was not paid what he was worth because the Kernal who was probably a gambling addict used Elvis's money to pay off his gambling debt.

They showed a lot about the time when tv stations refused to let him perform waist up only because of Elvis's swiveling hips and they thought it was too sexual.

I think in this way Elvis brought to women in America the idea that we could enjoy our sexuality and be attracted to Elvis which I think we really needed in the 1950s. It also showed him with his different women, they threw themselves at him and he became a sex addict. But his drug addiction was worse. I can't judge him food is my drug.

I liked the performances with these songs "I'm Evil, Fools Rush In, Viva Las Vegas, Suspicious Minds" and Hunka Hunk Burning Love. I liked watching him go crazy paranoid and lose his mind with the drugs. I guess one day if I keep overeating and the food might drive me crazy too. All in all, I liked this movie, but I liked Elvis And Me movie better.