Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

[Riders]

has her own culture in running marathons etc and he doesn't understand it and craps all over it. Just because someone not wrapped up in AA culture especially a non addict doesn't mean you have to develop an attitude. But they take attitudes like I said I cant mention a religious temple or where I go even before or after meetings,.

I understand in meetings its non issue we shouldn't talk about it. But for some reason its ok for the Christian community to come in and invite folks to church but if I say something about Buddha I get"OH I believe in all the religions or any God you choose is your higher power but I just go to AA AA is the only place to go because here you can have your own higher power.

Just because I am not Christian and like other religions why should I only associate with AA folks and only go to AA for my religion.

I get it yes you have any higher power you want in AA that's grand yay! But that doesn't mean I need to make AA my temple why should I? I'm have a guy friend coming today I told him abit about my my Mother being AA but I have no expectation of getting him involved with AA culture why should I?

 

[Riders]

One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps
by Kevin Griffin | Feb 6, 2018
452

This is suppose to be a good book shame on me for not having read it yet. Id like to get it. But again I even have friends who have read this and say they do practice you know the meditation of Buddha beliefs but have said to me why do you need to go to a temple and go through their rituals to meditate? But yet nothign is ever said to Christians, well shouldn't Christians drop out of church and use AA like my mom did?

 

[Riders]

Anyways if addiction and or recovery interested you you should watch Thanks for sharing it is a really good movie. But the issue of intimacy for recovering sex addicts was brought up The thing of it is I can't get intimate anymore then with making out with my guy friend, but we are just going to be friends.

That's all I've got, I like the character in this movie have a hard time with being close in a healthy relationship. But this guy was not ready. I will say this, if I were in the same place as his girl friend character who was not an addict and he told me what he said to her, I would have called him on hos BS.

He did not want want to make love to her and he was on the phone with his sponsee at 2 am in the morning. She got suspect that he was in his addiction because of the time. He would not give her his phone she took it from him and realized he was telling the truth..

This is again AA or SAA in this case culture clashing with normal culture, normal people don't get calls at 3 am in the morning from their sponsee. So it's not easy to be in a relationship with a recovering addict.
When she asked him was going on with him that he had pulled away from her he said i have pulled away.

When I was in my addiction I was this chase for a fix all the time and now with you sex is beautiful and pure and good and I don't know how to connect with it but I think we just have to work on it more.

See, I;m sorry. This is why i have a hard time seeing myself in a relationship its crap. If he had said that tio me I would have said I son't have to work on diddly dot with you, this is your like, you got into this darkness and you did it to yourself you have to be responsible for it, I'm not working on any thing with you this is your sh&t.

To the credit of the movie after she broke up with him he went out and practiced his addiction.

At one point in the movie they ran into one of his sexual addiction partners which as embarrassing to her, I can't imagine trying to compete with the ex sex partners of a sexually addicted man. That's a hard pill to swallow.

 

[Riders]

So I have acted out meaning sexually acting out , breaking my recovery rules, with another taxi driver about 4 years ago I also have a platonic male friend who was Muslim and a taxi driver , well both those guys were Muslim, I know it sounds bigoted to bring up religion but I thought they were both interesting.

Derryl is 54 and a Christian but he does not get to go to church much because of his job. I met him a year or two ago and he offered to be platonic friends upfront, was looking for friendship. He took me out to eat at Denny´s but didn´t spend a lot of money on me but enough. He kissed me at the end for some reason I didn´t like it, he said if all I wanted to do was make out and not have sex he would be happy with that.I decided I was not attracted to him enough.


But we had talked awhile at Denny´ś, he does not party drink smoke or do drugs, he´ś very nice he says he won´t force sex on me. I decided later I made a mistake because he was so nice and its rare that I get to get out and meet someone nice.

But so I ran into him again a few weeks ago when I got a taxi to get out and get some money from my bank account.
He was so happy to see me, held my hand while we were driving without asking LOL , but I was happy to see him too. He said he wanted to take me out and I said I would like that.

He kissed me when I got back to the house and called me and we sat up a date but I changed my mind about going out.. I told him I wanted to meet here at the house. We did, he brought me some Taco Cabana which was good and we made out. This last date he brought me some Dairy Queen. I told him I only wanted to make out and we did.

He says I;m getting him worked up but hes keeping my boundaries. He does say one day I told after I lost weight I might consider intercourse, he says one day he wants intercourse. I don´t mind that but I don´t want any pressure to do anything then what we are doing right now.


He promised me making out only from the start so I expect that from him, he can get worked up, but if he puts any pressure on me Ill break up.But he says heś happy just sitting with me hugging kissing yadayada with me for now so I expect everything to stay this way for awhile.

If I lose enough weight in the future who knows,intercourse might be possible.But for right now I just want friendship, we decided to be cuddling buddies.

 

[Riders]

President Biden !!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I can get use to that, I love the way it sounds, I´m getting use to saying it President Biden ...................I saw a night show that had Obama on it twice after CBS news at night did y´all see that?I forget his name but the host told him ¨Ï am glad to see you back, why did you leave us along for four years with that guy????????LMAO yea that´ś how I feel, relieved that Trump will be gone. Thanks God we got Biden and Obama talking about his book etc.........wonder what Clinton´s up to.

I´m using the new term now, I know Trumpś president till the inauguration but I´m getting use to saying President Biden now President Biden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Riders]

Anyway I feel sort of sorry I have not been able to go to AA meetings sense covid. I miss running into my Moms friends.

I went to the zoom Zen Buddhist meditation group I found through Facebook. I ran into a couple who said they knew me and I asked how, they both said your Maryś daughter from F group. I said yea and I recognized them, it sure is nice to run into them. They now have my facebook name and all and I can see them Wednesday nights at meditation on Zoom!I have missed running into my Mom's friends so I am glad I ran into them.

 

[Riders]

But back to my new guy friend Derril. No when I first got into the front seat of the taxi with him he was so happy to see me and said he wanted to take me out and started holding my hand without asking me. I said I was interested and when he let me out and walked me to the door he just grabbed me and started kissing me. I really liked it.

I think thereś such a thing as being dominant without being dominant,a guy can have a dominant personality without getting into bdsm . I'm not talking about being spanked or flogged, or anything like that.

However, there is that forward personality of grabbing me and kissing me without giving me any warning, he is kind of a forward dominant guy in personality. As far as sex goes, and I like it, I like when guys just grab me and start kissing me without any warning.

But I think you can have a dominant personality without being into bdsm.

 

[Riders]

Well back on the men and women talk. I really think most women or a lot of them at least with me, are somewhat submissive and men have a natural-born dominant personality. Also our culture teaches men to be protectors of women, that type of thing. I love the idea of having man protect me take care of me and even teach me things.

I said that to my friend Rose and she said so you admit most men are dominant to a degree? I said yea, she said that's why I don't want to get married. Our culture teaches women that we need men.

So if anyone wants to weigh in on this has a different opinion, go ahead and respond. What about it, do you think it's natural for men to be dominant in any way?

 

[Riders]

Oh man my journal is on page 3 or 4 wy down. Anyways, have had a hard time with walking,I'm walking around and take showers use the bathroom et. But I walk real slow. I m not secure about walking down my front porch yet. My Physical therapist said he would be back next week and he´s going to help me with it then. If I can do it I will be able to leave with my guy friend and go out to eat. But because of covid I'm not sure I want to.

He doesn't want to stay here and make out it tempts him to want to have sex. Too bad but he still wants to take me out. I am blessed with his friendship. But he will bring some food here this weekend so I won't have to get out. I hope this friendship lasts awhile but I don´t know with all my obesity issues. I really need to work on my weight. I've been on my food plan this last week but my scales is not working now. I like this guy I just don´t know how long things will last with my issues.It's not easy going out with an obese person.

 

[Riders]

Ok we had our 3rd date. He brought dairy queen blizzard as if I needed it after all I've eaten, I also ordered a pizza.
He kissed me long french kiss, but we did not go to the couch. We sat at the table, so the temptation to getting into making out like we did last time was not there. It was just kissing and a short hug hello.

I think my legs will be ready to walk downstairs soon enough. In the next 2 or 3 weeks I will go with him to Dennys or IHOP> I'm still worried about Covid though. I will be in physical therapy between now and then anyway.

Anyhow, I stayed on my diet a week and dropped some weight, then the past 3 days I pigged out over Christmas nd gained it back yikes! I am mad! But I'll be back on my food plan tomorrow.

I am just following a spiritual plan for Over Eaters anonymous which reminds me I need to read my Big Book. I have a 12 Step sponsor, if you don´t use a food sponsor in Oa the spiritual part is supposed to help me not over eat.

If it does not work eventually I may get a food sponsor which I do not want to do right now.

 

[Riders]

Well that sponsor did not work out well. Now I have a food sponsor. I'm going to try it out we will see if it works.

I had a guy on Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting ask me afterward after the meeting what´s in it for women? Referring to sex addiction. I said well many women will tell you here they were pleasured and addicted to it just like men.

Masturbation and porn were physically addictive for me. However, having sex with men was not. I sometimes felt pin with sex it wasn´t that pleasurable. But I was dependant on the attention they gave me, the negative attention and seeking out a daddy figure.................my own Dad abandoned me while I was in psych wards as a teenager.

Then he was cold and distant in my twenties, I got closer to him in my 30s but by then he was crippled and I took care of him and my Mom so no he wasn´t much of a father figure.

When I was obsessing on Donnie Wahlberg on Twitter trying to get his attention from the one million fans tweeting him obsessing on New Kids On The Block, my Mom said" I see you found a daddy figure, Donnie Wahlberg, huh? Yea she knew about my addiction to men...............

He asked me if I dress promiscuously again a question other women would take offense at, I said when I was in my 30ś I looked like a teenager, young for my age and I wore my hair in ponytails quite often to get attention from menfolk and it worked. They thought I was cute. I get sick when I think of it now......................itś my old self.I don´t need that kind of attention now.

 

[Riders]

Well since there are so many scriptures of the day up, I'm gonna put the song of today up. This song is No More Tears by Ozzy Osbourne.
He is singing as if he were a sex trafficker talking to his traffic victim or prostitute..........another name for it. You know he has to be singing about that because he has a woman living in one room and singing the red light goes on as the night begins again, those last 3 words might be different but the red light goes on yea........he talks about the man waiting around the corner can he seemed, I turn my head to someone screaming..................I'll get the actual words and put them up here.

He looks very scary and it's dark. I love it because there have been so many songs like Donna Summers Bad Girls who seem to glorify it make it look fun! Don't get me wrong I love Bad Girls by Donna Summer. But I think this song is healthier because it looks scary.
The light in the window is a crack in the sky
A stairway to darkness in the blink of an eye
A levee of tears to learn she'll never be coming back
The man in the dark will bring another attack
Your momma told you that you're not supposed to talk to strangers
Look in the mirror, tell me, do you think you life's in danger, yeah?
No more tears (Tears, tears)
No more tears (Tears, tears)
No more tears (Tears, tears)
No more tears (Tears, tears)
(Tears, tears...)
Another day passes as the night closes in
The red light goes on to say it's time to begin
I see the man around the corner waiting, can he see me?
I close my eyes and wait to hear the sound of someone screaming here
No more tears (Tears, tears)
No more tears (Tears, tears)
No more tears (Tears, tears)

 

[Riders]

I'm about to have a whole day dedicated to The Rolling Stones moment on this thread but I am not ready for it. This day is the I'm dependant on the idea of marriage making me happy moment.

so I'm having issues walking right now and I told my guy friend if he comes over just to bring me something from a fast food place (even though it's off my OA food plan). But I told him not to expect me to go out to eat. We have been talking less and he works a lot anyways, So i don't know if our friendship is gonna last.

I can see the intimacy break down to some level. But back to the Thanks For Sharing movie for the third time and yes I have watched it a million times. I don't get off on the sexy moments in this movie because it's about sex addiction which to me no matter how you try to make it into a romantic comedy is going to be a dark topic. One issue is intimacy.

If you're addicted to porn and fantasy you a dependency on seeing people who look like Greek Gods or have abnormal body measurements. You want everything in your real life to be like your fantasy and sense no one in real life is like that you know you'll never find it. So it's easy to tense up and withdraw from a relationship although right now my obesity is my issue.

But in the movie, the woman dating a recovering sex addict of 5 years becomes paranoid about him being a sponsor, his sponsee who is the person he sponsors call's him up at 3 am in the morning and he picks up his phone and starts talking to him.

Let's define what a 12 Step program sponsor is. He or she gives direction in the lifestyle needed to stay sober from whatever addiction your in, for instance, I turn my food plan in , I type what I will eat the next day, and email it to my sponsor. For a sponsor in SAA, he might recommend the sponsee quit getting on the internet or a program to download on your internet which will not allow adult entertainment or porn on it.

He or she can recommend books pray with me sometimes she does, read with me whatever I need. If I get tempted I can talk to her first.

So his sponsee calls him in the middle of the night, depending on the sponsor when they are available, this guy was available all the time, many sponsors are, as to when and how much time they spend with sponsees.

I saw my parent's relationship get worse for a while when my mom got into AA the first 10 years. Over time she became more grateful for her marriage to my Dad. It got better.


But I am surprised more marriages don't fall apart in AA, I think more marriages in 12 Step programs divorce than in regular life but I may be completely wrong about that. But 12 Step programs? Yea sometimes when a person gets sober from whatever their addiction is they get their right mind back and realize their marriage was a fraud, to begin with.

On the other hand, some folks just need drama as my Mom did. We use to stay out all night with AAers at coffee shops and talk and my Dad would be all alone in his house. Then I had fun but I wish now I had spent more time at home with my father.

On the other hand, some people get into AA and 12 Step programs and get addicted to helping other addicts which is the same as being in the action. BRAVO your sober for a year now? WOW but you still leave your wife at 2 am and stay out all night helping other addicts? That's just an example, so yes 12 Step programs, I mean I talk to OA people and work 12 hours a day for crying out loud. I'm married to OA! I need to go back to SAA more too.

You get intimacy with fellow addicts who have your addiction, it's not easy to be in a marriage or building a relationship especially the first few years getting sober from an addiction.


The guy in the end went back to his addiction, went back to the program. She left him because she wanted someone healthier. He had intimacy issues which I understand and it's like I get why she left him, she has to deal with a sponsor who gets phone calls at 3 am in the morning
from sponsees. But I know the thinking behind his fall. I can't have sex because I have intimacy issues and hey who knows if I will ever be able to get married, I may have to stay single to stay sober so to live, I can't be happy unless I get married so.

There we have it, our culture tells us we can't be free and happy and live a good right life unless we get married aha!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!This is why i don't get along with churches, they don't like me I'm single.

 

[Riders]

Anyways, see I bet you are thinking because of all the negative stuff I have said about 12 Step programs why am I going? The thing about addictions is that most of us who are addicts to whatever, started with that addiction in part to comfort ourselves through a drama. I started eating compulsively and dating 2 guys while I pretended to be in a relationship with my roommate Chris because she was only 13 stuck in a grown-up world in the psych ward and the guys adored her.

When we had danced with the teen guys ward I had dates with both my guy friends and I brought Chris with me and kept my arm around her and then she would take one of the guys and I would take the other. We were totally a polyamory family but I did not know that term back then. Anyways the point being left abandoned in a grown-up world at 15 of a psych ward being taken care of strangers I never knew:

I comforted myself by overeating and sexually being active with 2 guys I made out with and who knows what Chris did to them and she and I acted a little bit sexual with each to her around the guys because they liked it! We were so dysfunctional! Anyways back to what I was saying yes it's a part of trauma and takes a long time to get past.

Most of us die in our addiction. So after being excitement addicts and drama queens for most of our lives, we won't snap into a happy calm and peaceful person overnight. My Mom was raped and beaten by one of her husbands in the early '50s and how did she get rid of him?
Her dad ran him off with a gun, it's about all you could do in the '50s outside of killing them. Women could not go to the police it just wasn't an option.

So it took her whole life up until the last 12 years of her life and 10 years of my Dad's life. But she did finally calm down and stopped fighting and became happy with my Dad. I am very grateful to AA that my Dad got his last 10 years filled with peace.

Anyways it just takes what it takes, for some people it takes 10 or 15 years to get the addiction out of their system. So it might not be a good idea to date, someone, in their addiction recovery if they have less than 5 years of recovery. 5 or 10 or 15 years that's typical for people to be settled enough down from the addiction.

Here's another thing about the program. To me but this is just my opinion, I think people who go to church sometimes claim because Christianity is the right religion they have settled down and become a new person. I do not believe that.

However, I do think there are reasons churches 12 Steppers sometimes do better than others it's religion. I think going to a religious service makes a difference. I go to a Wednesday night Zen group through Zoom and sometimes si go to a 900 pm Celtic Christian group on Facebook even though I'm not Christian I like the group.

Personally, I wished my Mom had made peace with the Southern Baptist church or some sort of bible group sense she did embrace or reembrace her Christianity after being in the program awhile. I wonder if she had been happier if she had a bible study group or something along those lines to go to.

I do believe a religious service of some sort makes a difference for us addicts. I support Atheist and Agnostic addicts who go to AA and all. However it is possible to be a spiritual type of Atheism with meditation or chanting or ritual. So I think for addicts its healthy.

 

[Riders]

Here's a hard rock Gem from the 1980's. Like a lot of teen girls in the 80's I was in love with Loverboy temporarily! I saw this video and thought they were so great!

I'll put some more videos up today too.

 

[Riders]

Here's one more song, sense Eddy Van Halen just died and I love Van Halen anyways and for Van Halen fans this is a video with Sammy Hagar instead of David Lee Roth.

OMG! Oh my Gawyod! Totally awesome! I can't believe how cute Sammy Hagar looks in this video, love love love the kinky curly hair, he was so cute back then! I loved David Lee Roths's look too.

 

[Riders]

I know I have looked at that movie Thanks for the Sharing movie too many times and written negative stuff about it here and that's not cool. So I am going to say some good stuff about it.

There is a character I don't remember the name who is a guy who is 25 to 40 pounds overweight. He is the sponsee who called his sponsor at 3 am in the morning. He was a good example of a typical sex addict. I guess they had to get attractive actors to play the roles, but this guy was an average overweight guy. I liked the way he rescued his lady friend who was just a friend.

he ran to rescue her but first after she said she was in front of her ex-lover's house who was married, he told her to find a safe place to go to and she went to her beauty shop.

so if you find yourself going to a place where you know your addiction is finding a safe place to go is good.

They had a good healthy relationship I really liked them. I liked that spiritual dance they went to, I forget the name but ill get it. That was really good.

 

[Riders]

this is my favorite Rolling Stones song. I have been listening to a lot of their songs this year. Just to name a few that can put me in a good mood, my favorite, Let's Spend The Night Together,
Beast of Burden,
Miss you,
Little T and A
Shattered
Emotional rescue
She's so Cold
Angie
Start ME Up
Hang Fire
Satisfaction
Ruby Tuesday
She's A Rainbow
Under My Thumb
Paint It Black
Brown Suga
Time
Not Fade Away

The list goes on and on Here is Let's Spend The Night Together

 

[Riders]

Continued from above, I love Wild Horses as well and maybe if I ever get married I can walk down the aisle to it.

 

[Riders]

It's Only Rockinroll
Give me shelter
Sympathy For The Devil
You Can't Always Get What you want

Truthfully in life, if I find a brand that I like 20 of their songs I am happy so believe there are 20 or close to 20 songs by the stones I listen to regularly. However there's thousands of songs by The Stones out there, most I have never heard. I would like to watch a vintage concert from the '70s 80's or '90s or even the 2000s of The Stones, if I get that one day I may take time to listen to their music.

A lot of it I mean, but to be honest I have never heard a Stones Song that I did not like, Mostly I like most of The Beatles too, but The Stones more...................