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Want To Forgive But I Can't

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Eddi, Jan 18, 2019.

  1. Eddi

    Eddi Member

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    Someone used to treat me awfully – it was an abusive and controlling “friendship” from which I’ve now escaped. I’ve written about it in this thread, see the following link:

    Abusive And Controlling "Friendships"?

    Someone said I should forgive the person in question, that doing so would bring me peace. And I think he/she was right – it would be a way of letting go and moving on, which would be the ultimate triumph

    I believe this would be the Christian thing to do

    I would probably not identify myself as a Christian, but much of my ethical system is Christian-inspired

    However, I hate this person’s guts and resent the fact that he isn’t dead

    And yet every Sunday I say the words “…as we forgive those who trespass against us…”

    I want to be able to forgive him but this goes against all the contempt and ill-will I feel towards him!

    I believe that a good person should behave compassionately towards their enemies and those who wrong them and I want to be such a good person, I just don’t feel as though I can forgive him, especially as I know he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong - or knows but doesn't care!

    So... I want to forgive but I can’t – any ideas that might help me become able to forgive?
     
  2. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    Hi........ :)
    I read about your sponging friend in your other post.

    If you would like to forgive the friend who became a bum, I can think of one way to do it, but it involves some pretty tough thinking on your part.

    Can you handle 'pretty tough'? I don't want to upset you more than you already are, so if you cannot handle 'tough' just don't read any more..... OK?

    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    You've got to decide that it was your fault! It was!
    You lent your friend money ........ a sure way to risk a friendship.
    And then you lent more....... and more....... and now you want to blame your friend for all troubles that have resulted from that one-time friendship.

    Next time a friend asks you for urgent financial help, rather than lending money, just decide if you can..... or what you can, afford to give. And make sure that your friend understand that the small amount offered is what you can give. If that's not good enough then that is that.

    And now, for your sake and future happiness, realise how wrong it was, how weak it was, to just keep giving. It's tougher to politely refuse, and you took the weak route. :shrug:

    Please don't be too angry with me........ :)
     
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  3. Eddi

    Eddi Member

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    Thanks for your reply!

    I don't think you appreciate how manipulative and controlling he was, and how intense and powerful his hold on me was

    He would never take no for an answer

    He would make me out to be a bad person for not wanting to "help" him - regardless of how much i already did in the past

    I know I was weak, but he still took advantage of me

    But I have certainly learnt my lesson and would never let this happen again!

    The experience has made me a much stronger person​
     
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  4. InChrist

    InChrist Free4ever

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    Understandable. What does forgiveness look like from your perspective? I think too often people have this idea that it is noble to forgive and forget the wrongs and outright evils others commit against us, but what does that do but endorse or enable the wrong, selfish, manipulative behavior.

    Here is an excerpt and article you may find helpful:

    What does the process of forgiveness look like?

    How many of you were told you were unforgiving? Bitter? Angry? What does it mean to forgive?

    The fact that forgiveness is needed implies that something has been taken from someone. When you are an abuse target, you’ve had many things taken from you. Your voice. Your personhood. Your dignity. Your money. Your safety. Your freedom. Your opportunity to be loved. Your career. Your truth. Your past. Your emotions. Your ability to think clearly. Your dreams. And many other opportunities both tangible and intangible.

    Forgiveness is letting go of your right to “make things right” and letting the other guy off the hook. He doesn’t owe you anything anymore. You FORGIVE his debt to you for taking all those things away.

    See, you can actually forgive without the other person ever acknowledging they took anything at all from you! The fact is, your abuser owes you, big time. The other fact is, they won’t ever admit it. And the last fact is, they will pay out the nose one day. To be a daughter of GOD means letting Him dole out the appropriate justice. “Vengeance is Mine” and all that.

    But you? You don’t need to worry your weary heart over that. You get to forgive the debt and move forward. Vengeance is a waste. It’s a heavy burden in and of itself. It drains you of the emotional energy better directed toward your healing and moving forward into all the future opportunities you’ve previously missed out on because of him. You’ve got catching up to do! Letting go of the desire to have your vengeance is freeing.

    So forgiveness is you saying, “Hey, abuser. You stole from me, and you owe me what you stole with interest. But I’m forgiving you the debt and moving on. Good-bye!”
    Dealing with Anger Over Hurt (and What Forgiveness is Really About!) -
     
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  5. Eddi

    Eddi Member

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    Thanks for sharing that article :)

    If that is what forgiveness looks like then that's something I can do!

    That is actually how I feel towards him

    I want him out of my life but I forgive him his debt, as he is a self-centred man-child lowlife and doesn't know any better

    And it was partly my fault, I know... I know...

    I hope I can completely replace the anger I feel towards him with peaceful indifference
     
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  6. Nakosis

    Nakosis crystal soldier
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    Well, you could always covertly stab them in the back. Pretty much do everything you can think of to make their life a living hell in a way so they can't trace it back to you.

    Then when you see them miserable and unhappy your sense of justice will be fulfilled. If you can completely wreck their life, I promise your feeling of hatred will disappear. Unfortunately this will probably be replaced by a sense of guilt for destroying someone else's life.

    The way I looking at it is this person is continuing to rob your life. Every moment you spent hatin this person takes away from the time you could be doing something you enjoy. They are robbing you of happiness that you could be/should be having.

    Your continuing anger means their continued success at screwing up your life. I really don't like giving other folks that much control over my well being. Over my emotions over my ability to find my own happiness. Especially give such control to people I don't particularly like.

    I also look at all the mistakes I made which led up to allowing this person to manipulate my life. I try to learn from those mistakes I've made so it won't happen again.

    It's a lesson in how to better my own life really thanks to the person in question. If I can come away from the experience a better person, they've actually done me a favor. Why should I hate them for that?

    "The experience has made me a much stronger person"
     
  7. InChrist

    InChrist Free4ever

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    Hard lessons in life often make us wiser. I'm sure you will be able to move on past the anger...but allow yourself time and patience to go through the process.
     
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  8. PureX

    PureX Veteran Member

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    Please relax. Give yourself some time and space to let the emotions settle, and to re-situate yourself in relation to this trauma.

    There are two things, I believe, that you will need to do to get past this. And you've already done the first one (and the hardest one), that was to extricate yourself from the abuse. I congratulate, honor, and applaud you for having done this. The second thing will take some courage as well (which you clearly have), some patience, and some rigorous self-honesty. That is you need to clearly identify what YOU did to enable the abuse, and why you did it, as opposed to seeing only what was done to you. Once you accomplish this task, you will know how not to fall into a similar trap, again, in future. And you will have dispelled much of the anger and resentment that is currently keeping you from being able to get past this in the way that you would like.
     
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  9. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    Yes, you're right in that I could never really know what pressures that bum put you under. Too true.

    But I'm glad to hear that you are stronger, and if there ever is another scrounger in another situation you will be able to look them in the eye and say 'No'.

    If my friends have ever been in need I have discussed it with my wife, and if she has agreed I will give what we can afford to help out, and that way we are less likely to lose a friend whilst not finding ourselves in any difficulty through such a gift.

    Good Luck to you in the future, and may you forget both the upset and the scrounger. :)
     
  10. Unveiled Artist

    Unveiled Artist Veteran Member

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    If he asks you again what are you planning to do?

    We are all stronger people when we learn from our mistakes and what keeps us strong is knowing when to say no. It helps in the long run.

    For example, you may have felt good (the other post) giving money at that moment until later. It was a short feeling of charity; nothing wrong with that. However, since you know the personality of the guy, you probably can judge whether you want a short-feeling of charity that makes you feel guilty later (as this post) or you can say no, feel bad for a couple weeks, but did yourself a favor with the guilt in the long run.

    Also, if you say yes, then whatever issue is involved involves both of you. However, if you say no, the issues you guys deal with is your own. Better to handle your own issue since both of you can't control each other's thoughts and reactions.

    Make sense?
     
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  11. savagewind

    savagewind Something, not nothing
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  12. Ponder This

    Ponder This Active Member

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    First:
    Forgive yourself.
    for not doing the right thing for so long.
    for letting him get away with the things you allowed him to get away with.
     
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  13. Ellen Brown

    Ellen Brown Sorry, just trying to sort the NONSENSE
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    I hope there is something out there that is smarter than me.
    There is a difference between forgiveness and refusal to let the abuse continue. I'm somewhere along the same path that you are.
     
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  14. TheresOnlyNow

    TheresOnlyNow The Mind Is Everything. U R What U Think

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    We don't forgive for the sake of the person who wronged us. we forgive to release ourselves from holding their offenses against us close to us long beyond the time when those occurred.

    You can't move on until you release them from being hated still for how they mistreated you. Let go. Forgive. You're free. They have to live with themselves.
    God be with you. Prayers for you.
     
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  15. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    Hi.......... what? :)
     
  16. savagewind

    savagewind Something, not nothing
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    Hi! You have replied in fashion. I was just wondering why.
     
  17. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    I don't ever keep to fashions, Savage. Any fashions.
    I'm fashionless.
    Even my Missus wonders why, Savage, after all these years, so you've got no chance of discovering anything there..... :D
     
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  18. savagewind

    savagewind Something, not nothing
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    Did you not post in lines the same way as he did?
     
  19. savagewind

    savagewind Something, not nothing
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    It's there. I can see it. :)
     
  20. sealchan

    sealchan Well-Known Member

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    You are wise to recognize the difference between saying something and sincerely meaning it.

    One consideration is whether or not the individual continues to be a "danger" to others. If they are then your lack of forgiveness is probably tied up in a fear of further victimization. Knowing how to defend yourself from future victimization and how to help others, may aid you in the path toward foregiveness.

    Also, understanding their own point of view perhaps more deeply than they do themselves can help. What did their childhood experience teach them? What in their personality might have led them to this attitude?

    Lastly, but most importantly, it is likely that something about your personality is reflected in this individual and that coming to grips with your own attitude may help you to free yourself from a psychological attachment to the abuser.

    For me the most straight forward way to examine ones self is to examine your dreams.
     
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