Want To Forgive But I Can't

[savagewind]

I think that you might forgive yourself for being very naive for giving him more and more and more, but keep the kindness that you showed him through it all.

 

[Ellen Brown]

Someone used to treat me awfully – it was an abusive and controlling “friendship” from which I’ve now escaped. I’ve written about it in this thread, see the following link:

Abusive And Controlling "Friendships"?

Someone said I should forgive the person in question, that doing so would bring me peace. And I think he/she was right – it would be a way of letting go and moving on, which would be the ultimate triumph

I believe this would be the Christian thing to do

I would probably not identify myself as a Christian, but much of my ethical system is Christian-inspired

However, I hate this person’s guts and resent the fact that he isn’t dead

And yet every Sunday I say the words “…as we forgive those who trespass against us…”

I want to be able to forgive him but this goes against all the contempt and ill-will I feel towards him!

I believe that a good person should behave compassionately towards their enemies and those who wrong them and I want to be such a good person, I just don’t feel as though I can forgive him, especially as I know he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong - or knows but doesn't care!

So... I want to forgive but I can’t – any ideas that might help me become able to forgive?
​

This subject is extremely difficult to talk about, I can not explain everything that happened to me in both the abuse and my forgiveness for it. I'll try not to bring baggage into what I say that might be triggering for you. There are abusers and the abused and will be until the end of time.

My own childhood included unspeakable abuse, some so severe that I won't mention it. Later in life, the Psych community labelled me as being Borderline, and having severe PTSD. I'm in America so those in the UK may call it something different. The pertinent part of my experience is that while I had a very successful life, at times I would remember events in my past, and have short episodes of anger and hysteria. To add to that, I was dealing with a mate that likely had suffered more than I, but "stuffed" their baggage, even denying that it had happened.

In a bizarre twist, Psych types diagnosed me as having Gender Identity Dysphoria, and within 3 years, due to the effect of very heavy medications, and what I now see as loony guidance, had surgery and was living as a woman. Needless to say, my family, the most valuable thing in my life, flipped out and disowned me. It is not surprising and it seems there is no going back. My own Church's response was vindictive and unhelpful. I became Muslim because it made my own shame feel less painful, and helped me to learn to plead with God on a credible level.

Now comes the unexplainable part: I met Mormon Missionary Sisters who were absolutely loving and kind to me in a time when it was life saving because I was actively suicidal. We talked and counselled for nearly a year, and then they asked me if I'd like to be be Baptized and become a member of their church. I was flatly astonished that they would want me, though I knew I still harbored very strong feelings of rage against those who had abused me so (40+ years) long ago. I knew that by the words of Jesus the Christ that I had to forgive or I would never be forgiven because I knew that I had also sinned.

The Baptism came, and I came out completely soaked, but I felt that nothing had happened. I wakened in the morning about two weeks later, and with great surprise, realized that I no longer held any anger at anyone in my past! That was a gift from God, and I do not know if the same can only be had with the Mormons? To me, that was a straight up miracle, and I remained a member for around 5 years. There was a lot of talk and preaching around keeping worthy, obeying your covenants, and Temple attendance. According to upper Leadership, I could not be made worthy because I'd had a gender change. By then, I had been off all the drugs for some time, and knew that my gender change had been involuntary. My explanation and pleas fell on deaf ears. I felt that the forgiveness I felt for past abuse was a gift from God. And I knew that I did not have to put up with what felt like abuse and was triggering from anyone, least of all the Church Leadership. I resigned from the church when it became clear that they were going to keep doing as they had been.

It all remains confusing to me. I know that if you ask of God, in the name of Jesus the Christ, you will be given the same gift eventually because of what happened to me. I do hope that my sharing will help you, and no I am not recommending that you join the Mormon Church. It is up to you to decide your own path. I do know that the Local Mormons were the most loving and kind people I have ever met.

I don't think that their Leadership have any plans to change or apologize, and I refuse to submit myself to anything that feels abusive. Though at times I feel like a petulant child.