UU joke of the day/week

[lunamoth]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Good one! That is definitely going in my files for future laughs!

 

[Ciscokid]

Not sure if this one was posted already:

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"
"I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage. "Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"

 

[Ciscokid]

A Christian couple decide one Sunday to visit the Unitarian Universalist church near their home. After the service on the walk home the wife asks "Well Honey, what did you think of the service?" The husband replies. "It was very nice I enjoyed the music and found the sermon quite thought provoking. There was just one problem though." "What is that? Dear." asks the wife. "The only time I heard 'Jesus Christ' was when the janitor fell down the steps."

LOL!!!

 

[Ciscokid]

You might be UU if

.......Your best dress shoes are sandals
.......You think a holy day of obligation is your turn to do coffee
.......You get mail from committees you didn't know you were on.
.......You know two people that are upset that trees had to die for your church to be built
.......If half the dishes at your church's potluck dinner have tofu in them.
.......If your church always wins the city's "hairiest congregation award"
.......If your Sunday best is whatever you were wearing when you fell asleep in the church basement Saturday night.
.......If you celebrate the holiday season by lighting eight trees while meditating.

-Shawn
(Monte Vista UU Congregation Montclair, CA)

LOL! That's so true, I was on coffee duty at my church i think within two or three visits.

 

[Ciscokid]

Back to making fun of ourselves.


At one Sunday morning service, in of the very big Unitarian churches in Boston, a man was making a ruckus in the back pew. After every sentence the minister spoke, he would shout, "Amen! Halleluia!"

One of the ushers approached the man and spoke to him discreetly. "Sir, uh, we just don't do things like that here."

"But I got religion!"

"Well you certainly didn't get it here."

LOL!!

 

[cityms]

I am new to this delightful column.
Am I a model of the modern Unitarian middleaged woman, totally sure of my belief in my freedom to hold my opinions - about which I am not absolutely sure...haha...well, sort of.....anyway Hello from Toronto!

 

[powder21]

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

I truly laughed out loud at that one. Thank you.

 

[powder21]

I am The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

by Christopher Gist Raible
Sung to "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
from "The Pirates of Penzance".

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.

Chorus:
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty empty pews.

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute I'm chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

Chorus:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

Chorus:
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.

Chorus:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today's religious liberal.

:woohoo:

I could not stop laughing while reading this! It also seems to confirm to me that UU is where I belong

 

[uu_sage]

In order to set up this joke, I will have to list the Five Points of the New Theology by James Freedman Clarke, a affirmation of Unitarian faith that was held in common in the early years of the 20th century.
I believe in the
the Fatherhood of God
the Brotherhood of Man
the spiritual leadership of Jesus
salvation by character
and the progress of mankind upward and onward forever.

The joke--
Unitarians believe in
The Fatherhood of God
the Brotherhood of man
and the neighborhood of Boston

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

A good Christian is in south Louisiana during the flood of ‘83. The river is overflowing, with water surrounding the good Christian’s home right up to the front porch. As he is standing there, a boat comes up, the man in the boat says "Jump in, I'll take you to safety."

The good Christian crosses his arms and says stubbornly, "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The boat goes away. The water rises up to the second floor. Another boat comes up, the man says to the good Christian who is now in the second story window, "Jump in, I'll save you."

The farmer again says, "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The boat goes away. Now the water is up to the roof. As the good Christian stands on the roof, a helicopter comes over, and drops a ladder. The pilot yells down to the good Christian "I'll save you, climb the ladder."

The good Christian says "Nope, I put my trust in God."

The helicopter goes away. The water continues to rise and sweeps the good Christian off the roof. He drowns.

The good Christian goes to heaven and he immediately asks to see God. When granted an audience he says “God, what happened? I put my trust in you and you let me down."

God says, "What do you mean, let you down? I sent two boats and a helicopter! What more do you want?"

 

[J Bryson]

True story:

Last week, after attending my new church for the first time, I had a chance to speak with the Reverend. He asked if I'd picked up any of the pamphlets. I showed him a few, then said "The others were things like 'UU and the African American Community' and 'UU and LBGT Issues'. The only problem with being a straight white male in this church is the lack of reading material."

"Oh, that's okay," he said with a joking grin. "I need someone to preach against from the pulpit on Sundays."

That's when I knew that I'd found my church

 

[J Bryson]

"Unitarian Universalist Bible Study this Wednesday: Bring your Bible and a pair of scissors."


Scene from a Unitarian Universalist household:

"Sweetheart, get up. We need to get dressed for church."

"Aw, I'm not going to church today. In fact, I don't want to go ever again."

'Why is that?"

"It sucks. The kids in the Sunday school all make fun of me, the people who run the committees keep asking me to do stuff for them, then yell at me for doing it wrong, no one agrees with me about what I believe, the choir director keeps glaring at me whenever I miss a note, and I'm pretty sure that someone tried to trip me when I was walking down the aisle last week. I'm never going back there again!"

"I understand, sweetie. But still, you have to go."

"Why?"

"Because you're the minister."

 

[lilithu]

"Unitarian Universalist Bible Study this Wednesday: Bring your Bible and a pair of scissors."

Ouch.

 

[keithnurse]

Three boys, about age 10 were talking about their religions, the first said "My family is UCC". The second said "Well, we are ELCA". The third one, who was a Unitarian Universalist said "Um, I think we are NPR"

 

[keithnurse]

What did the Klu Klux Klan do when a UU moved into their neighborhood? They burned a question mark in his yard.

 

[keithnurse]

At an interfaith thanksgiving service someone ran in in the middle of it and yelled "Fire!, Fire!" The Baptists yelled "every man for himself!" The UUs and Presbyterians formed a joint commission to study the issue and prepare a written report, the Catholics started a special collection to cover the damages, the Orthodox threw incense on the fire and continued worshipping, the Episcopalians formed a procession and walked out singing, the Lutherans nailed a note to the door declaring that fire is evil, the Quakers quietly gave thanks for the blessing that fire brings, the Christian Scientists declared the fire is an illusion, the New Agers said "let's put out the fire within first before putting out the external fire" then the church secretary got the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

 

[keithnurse]

A couple of nights ago, on King of the Hill, someone was trying to persuade Mr Hill (I can't remember his first name) to join a local food co-op called
"Cornuco-opia". Mr Hill said he had seen the business and that "with all those VW buses parked out front I just assumed it was a Unitarian church".

 

[lilithu]

A couple of nights ago, on King of the Hill, someone was trying to persuade Mr Hill (I can't remember his first name) to join a local food co-op called
"Cornuco-opia". Mr Hill said he had seen the business and that "with all those VW buses parked out front I just assumed it was a Unitarian church".

lol. The Simpsons have made fun of us several times. I wonder how many references we get versus other religious denominations.

 

[J Bryson]

lol. The Simpsons have made fun of us several times. I wonder how many references we get versus other religious denominations.

Well, the usual suspects (Catholics and Jews) seem to get the majority of shots, but there have been a few references (courtesy of snpp.com):

Mrs. Lovejoy: I'll just take that -- [sees empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
Abe: What is it? A Unitarian?

-Lovejoy has "Crucifixins" with flavours like Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint, Biblegum; Unitarian ice cream has nothing there

Father Shawn: I can only absolve you if you're Catholic.
Homer: So how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?

 

[lilithu]

Well, the usual suspects (Catholics and Jews) seem to get the majority of shots, but there have been a few references (courtesy of snpp.com):

Mrs. Lovejoy: I'll just take that -- [sees empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
Abe: What is it? A Unitarian?

-Lovejoy has "Crucifixins" with flavours like Blessed Virgin Berry, Commandmint, Biblegum; Unitarian ice cream has nothing there

Father Shawn: I can only absolve you if you're Catholic.
Homer: So how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?

You missed (at least) one: Bart is at the Flanders house playing a Christian video game with Rod and Tod. In the game, you shoot people in order to convert them to Christianity (don't ask). After some frustration Bart thinks he finally got one. One of the brothers (I can't remember whether it was Tod or Rod) says, "Nah, you just winged him. Now he's a Unitarian."


I'd say that we get more than our share of media attention given how small we are. :angel2: