To tell, or not to tell?

[BucephalusBB]

You know, the first thing I tried to teach my kids was cause and effect and that ultimately THEY are responsible for their decisions. I am ambivalent towards the use of certain drugs like pot and they know it. They just need to know that their actions can have serious emotional, physical and legal side effects.

And that is exactly what the booklet would say

Ultimately they are responsible for their actions, I agree. That however would mean nothing to me when they are dead. Neither was I speaking of something "Netherlandsy legal" like pot.
But I know how I would solve it. I would not deny them my story if they ask about it, I would deny them the same experience though. Eventually so did my dad and he failed, but there was no stopping me

 

[Alceste]

And that is exactly what the booklet would say

Ultimately they are responsible for their actions, I agree. That however would mean nothing to me when they are dead. Neither was I speaking of something "Netherlandsy legal" like pot.
But I know how I would solve it. I would not deny them my story if they ask about it, I would deny them the same experience though. Eventually so did my dad and he failed, but there was no stopping me

There is another reason to be open with your kids if there is addiction in your past - there's quite a lot of evidence to suggest that addiction is genetic and innate. Your honesty would give them the heads up that something they see others doing that doesn't appear to be addictive might be particularly addictive to them, because they are your kids.

My dad sat me down when I was a teenager and told me he thinks his adventures with LSD contributed to his mental illness, and that I should be particularly careful with hallucinogenics because there were theories kicking about that his mental illness could be hereditary.

It didn't keep me from trying things for myself, but it infused my adventures with a degree of caution (not very much and not very often) that probably would not have been there otherwise.

 

[michel]

There is another reason to be open with your kids if there is addiction in your past - there's quite a lot of evidence to suggest that addiction is genetic and innate. Your honesty would give them the heads up that something they see others doing that doesn't appear to be addictive might be particularly addictive to them, because they are your kids.

My dad sat me down when I was a teenager and told me he thinks his adventures with LSD contributed to his mental illness, and that I should be particularly careful with hallucinogenics because there were theories kicking about that his mental illness could be hereditary.

It didn't keep me from trying things for myself, but it infused my adventures with a degree of caution (not very much and not very often) that probably would not have been there otherwise.

I agree; I have been ready to tell my two sons all about my stupid blunders and mistakes - after all, I am trying to save them heartache. I have always been forthcomming about my character faults - even if they are ongoing (which most of them seem to be)

The trouble is, sometimes second hand experience is just not good enough; I still have a hard time convincing my older son that I didn't "do drugs" in the 1960's.."But you must have.....Dad........":cover:

 

[Heneni]

I wouldnt tell.

What I would try to do though, is to make sure that I have established trust with my kids so that when they are exposed to these things they would come talk to me about it. If I was involved in the same things, id know how to handle it because of my own experiences, in that way, id give them honest help and advice.

So whatever I did, that i'd rather not tell them, i wont, but if the opportunity should arise that i need to talk to my children about similar things that they are going through, id speak from experience, and that is the most honest response you can give a child.

If for example my son had a drug addiction, i'm not sure id be capable of helping him from a point of having a legitimate experience. My help would be less effective than that of someone who had gone through it and came out the other end just fine.

All in all, id keep my own experiences to myself, and draw from what I've learnt from it, if I ever needed to give them guidance.

Which is also why, we have to be good at forgiving ourselves. Very often if we dont, we wont forgive our children for getting involved in some stuff either. Guilt about our own mistakes will make them feel even worse about theirs.

 

[Theocan]

When they're are old enough to understand.

My mom didn't tell me she did poorly in college until I was in college. - Just so up to then I concentrated on my studies to get in a good school.

 

[Nehustan]

I discuss most of past with my daughter. I was adopted and thus didn't know about my mother's psychiatric and dual-diagnosis. As a result I almost exactly repeated her life down to wandering around in a psychotic state and homeless. I feel completely justified in telling children all about the possibility that they may have inherited a genetic disposition and that following the path of myself and my genetic mother would more likely than not end up with the same results. I was even showing my 7 year old daughter (eldest child) three text books on Neurobiology this evening when she showed a science report she compiled at the end of her last term. My children have already been taught empathy with the homeless who are hostalled locally, they do however realise that these people are not having the greatest life. Something emphasised when we used to take food and drinks out to a couple of guys sleeping on our road. I am hoping that this will make the stories I tell have more of an impact. They are also aware that I need to take medication to keep myself stable, something I'm sure they don't want to have to do; the meds make you feel like crap.

On a lighter note, I don't always tell my daughter the truth. I had to return to the office one evening as I had left some contracts on someone’s desk. We were returning home afterward and my daughter noticed a strip club called 'Chatterbox'. I noticed her staring at the club, and as I thought she ventured 'Chatterbox...I'm a chatterbox daddy'. I smiled and said 'Yes you are, but not in the way the sign means'. She read on coming to the next line on the sign 'What's a topless bar daddy?' 'Oh...' said I '...it's like a normal bar, it just doesn't have a top on it'. Satisfied she replied 'I see daddy' and no more was spoken of the issue.

 

[Phasmid]

As far as I'm concerned, the bad things I've done in my past are between God and myself. It's of no concern to anyone else; guilt has taught me the error of my ways and I'm not likely to repeat any of these mistakes again.

If, however, someone (my hypothetical child or otherwise) were to say to me, "I've done X, I feel so ashamed" then I would freely admit to having done the same, or find the equivilent in my, "Big Book of Bad Things I've Done".

 

[Nanda]

Yeah, that would work if it wasn't that drugs, alcohol and smoking happens to be the universal cool for younglings

Actually, she has a point there. I never did any of those things as a teenager because my mother did when she was a teenager, and so, always assumed the worst of me. This lead me to the conclusion that my mother was a real idiot, and so I did everything in my power to be nothing like her out of spite.

 

[blackout]

I pretty much tell my kids everything about me,
appropriate to their age/development.

I figure, if I want them to be able to come to me honestly with/about anything,
they will know for a fact they can, as I do exatcly the same with them.
The discussions that ensue are usually excellent as well.
I'm just a person who prefers honesty I guess.

I have no qualms telling my 16 year old about all my teen/young adult drug escapades either.
I even tell her the funny parts. And we laugh.
As I type this she sits at my side and reminds me of the melting dog dish story.

She will make her own decisions anyway,
having nothing at all to do with what I ever did or didn't do.
She has learned from some of my biggest mistakes already
and wants something TOTALLY different for her life.
She knows what she does and doesn't want for herself,
and she also knows the potential repricussions of things.
So that's good.

Why should I give up a great friendship with her
over some silly fear that she might do some thing that I did.
If she does, I assure you, it will have had absolutely nothing to do with me anyway.