To tell, or not to tell?

[michel]

idea started a thread in the LDS forum which I thought was just as applicable to every member, whether theist, or non-theist.

The basic concept of her question was

I have a question. If you messed up your life when you were young, then cleaned yourself up and had a family, would you tell your children about your past?

Some say – no – you need to be a good example, not a bad example for your children. If they found out what you have done, it would just be an excuse for them to go out and do the same thing.

I must admit that this is something with which I have struggled...........

I see it from both points of view; a) being in the position of being a hypocrite b) why deny the wisdom of a learned lesson, which may be of help to one's family?

 

[sandandfoam]

I will not tell my childen how I was because I don't want them to behave like I did. I might tell them when they've grown up.

 

[BucephalusBB]

"it would just be an excuse for them to go out and do the same thing."

If I did stupid things, my father would have wanted to stop me. So will I if my kids will follow.
Therefor they will get "the same" treatment as my father would give me if he found out.

There goes the excuse.."Fine, you want to be like me? Feel my fathers rath!!!! "

I think I would tell my kids the truth, but it doesn't have to be out of myself. If they ask, I'll tell.

 

[idea]

Thanks michel - I guess this was a better choice for where this thread should be...

Interesting, in the other thread, the popular vote was yes - tell them. link
Of course, it takes a lot of eating your pride to tell, easy to justify not telling when being honest is so humiliating... hopefully we can make a decision that is in the best interest of whoever might need to hear it, and not in our own best interest.

Many say, wait until your kids ask - how many kids actually ask their parents this stuff? How many here asked their parents when they were growing up?
I certainly would never have asked my parents anything personal when I was a teen, but then we were not able to talk about most things - possibly that was just my family – or possibly it is just my perception because I was immature, my age etc... I recently finally came clean to them - confession + apology for teen years, and they came clean to me with a few things too - very humiliating and hard to do... I think it has changed how we see one another for the better though, has brought us closer to one another, so that we can have a “real” relationship with one another and not a superficial fake one.

I will not tell my childen how I was because I don't want them to behave like I did.

but... not to tell is to say "I don't trust you enough to be open with you". don't you think?
By not telling you are telling the other person that you consider them to be mean, judgmental, intolerant, narrow minded... perhaps an exaggeration - perhaps not... When someone is not open with you - it puts you on the defensive because it feels like an attack. Perhaps so many teens are defensive and rebellious because we are too prideful to be honest with them? The people you are supposed to be closest to are the people in your family - they should know more about you than anyone else right? If you cannot be open and honest with your family - who can you be open with? some stranger on the internet? and what good does that do anyone? I think in order to really learn from another person's experience, the experience has to come from another person who you really know - otherwise it is just like reading a headline in a newspaper and it does not really "hit home" the way it should...

It seems more mature to tell... “to the immature others are not real”.. it takes maturity to have something that is real…

As a Christian I think evil is allowed so that we can learn to appreciate what is good. we either learn through our own personal experiences, or through the experiences of someone close to us. If it is inevitable that everyone has to fall, everyone has to somehow learn, I think we should at least try to help them learn the easier way - to learn vicariously. We should show them we trust them enough to be open with them or they will not be open with us. Yes, they are kids, they are not mature, they might not understand how hard it is for us to be open with them, they may go around telling their friends "dirty" up our "good" name - but is it about our pride? or about doing everything possible to warn and teach? Do we wait until they are “mature enough to hear it” – wait until it is too late and the they have already learned the lesson on their own?

I might tell them when they've grown up.

... kids grow up fast these days… perhaps it is better to deal with it sooner rather than later. Regrets are horrible things to live with.

Ezekiel 33:6 But if the watchman see the sword come, and blow not the trumpet, and the people be not warned; if the sword come, and take any person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at the watchman's hand.

I think I would tell my kids the truth, but it doesn't have to be out of myself.

but if it doesn't come from you I think it would put a larger wedge in the picutre - it would say not only did my parents mess up, but they don't trust me enough to talk to me about it... easier to let someone else tell them, but better to tell them yourself so that it does not come off like you are trying to hide something from them don't you think?

Why is it that the right thing to do is generally the hard thing to do? That is how I usually decide what is right - if it is hard, it is probably right... I think it has something to do with free will - God wants to be sure we are doing it from our own will - will power - and not just doing it because it is the convenient thing to do... perhaps.

 

[Willamena]

Some say – no – you need to be a good example, not a bad example for your children. If they found out what you have done, it would just be an excuse for them to go out and do the same thing.

That's a bit backwards --okay, totally backwards --thinking. If you want your kids to know honesty, then being honest with them is the "good example" you want to set.

 

[BucephalusBB]

but if it doesn't come from you I think it would put a larger wedge in the picutre - it would say not only did my parents mess up, but they don't trust me enough to talk to me about it... easier to let someone else tell them, but better to tell them yourself so that it does not come off like you are trying to hide something from them don't you think?

Well, let me give you an example. Drugs is one of the things I did. Eventually there is quite some chance that my kid will have questions about drugs. Before that enters his mind, no use in telling him/her that I enjoyed it so much.

 

[Alceste]

I would tell my kids all about the sex, drugs and rock and roll. (Well, OK, folk music). Nothing is more painful to see than kids who are experimenting with these things but think they're mapping out new, forbidden, unexplored territory their parents would never understand. Feeling their actions are taboo (the inevitable result of hiding / suppressing / deceiving your family about your own similar actions) makes kids feel conflicted, deceitful and alienated from their families.

I would want to create an atmosphere where my teenage daughter would not hesitate to tell me if she thought she was abused or knocked up, or approach me for clarification on the risks (and advantages) of various drugs she will be exposed to. The only way to do this is to be open about my open-mindedness and the experiences that brought me to it.

 

[Alceste]

Well, let me give you an example. Drugs is one of the things I did. Eventually there is quite some chance that my kid will have questions about drugs. Before that enters his mind, no use in telling him/her that I enjoyed it so much.

... except for the strong likelihood that your children will think that anything you have ever gotten a kick out of yourself is embarrassing and lame.

 

[BucephalusBB]

... except for the strong likelihood that your children will think that anything you have ever gotten a kick out of yourself is embarrassing and lame.

Yeah, that would work if it wasn't that drugs, alcohol and smoking happens to be the universal cool for younglings

 

[Scuba Pete]

I have been completely honest with my kids! Hey, I teach them to tell the truth even when it's unflattering and I need to set THAT example. Also, they get to learn from MY mistakes as well. It's a win/win situation.

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

 

[BucephalusBB]

I have been completely honest with my kids! Hey, I teach them to tell the truth even when it's unflattering and I need to set THAT example. Also, they get to learn from MY mistakes as well. It's a win/win situation.

And what if it's something you are kind of proud of or at least didn't mind yourself, but would want your kids to do so..?

 

[idea]

That's a bit backwards --okay, totally backwards --thinking. If you want your kids to know honesty, then being honest with them is the "good example" you want to set.

I agree

something else just came to mind... there is a difference between being a "friend" and being a "parent"... Friends talk about anything and everything, but... how should I say it... you don't really feel guilty around a friend so much as around a parent... by being a "friend" you may not stop the bad behavior, in fact you may have even encouraged it... kids have lots of friends, I think they need parents too...

so how do you tell them like a friend and still maintain being a parent? It's hard - the easy way to talk about things is to laugh and trivialze them, make light of it - I think that is sending the message that it is ok... on the other hand, giving them some speach from the pulpit is wrong too... It has to be serious, but not preachy, done out of love and respect for them... even if they are a kid, treating them like a responsible adult might help them to act like one...

And what if it's something you are kind of proud of or at least didn't mind yourself, but would want your kids to do so..?

yes - be honest that it was "fun" and that is why people do it obviously, but hopefully as an "adult" we now understand long term effects... There are many parents who are not adults, they will go party with their kids etc... I think kids need real adult... again, not a prideful preachy nagging adult, an adult who respects and loves you, is willing to humiliate themself to try and teach you... I guess we have to first understand ourself why it is wrong... my grandfather died of alcoholism, I did drugs too, have seen the fun side, and the not so fun side to it... I now know that it is wrong.. I guess you can't be a "parent" unless you are to the point where you understand that it is wrong..

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

frubals - I love that song!!! saw them in concert at Red Rocks in Colorado under the stars. Good memories

I would tell my kids all about the sex, drugs and rock and roll. (Well, OK, folk music).

LOL Alceste

 

[Alceste]

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Pete you big hippie.

That happens to be one of the first songs my dad taught me when he showed me how to play the guitar.

 

[idea]

Sorry – I guess I should not dwell so much on preaching what is “wrong” but instead on what is right… how special it would be to be a “one and only”, how good it would be to feel clean… I did not used to think anyone was really able to live like that, and now at church (I am a convert), I see people who do. Married couples who really love one another, who are loyal and always have been loyal to each other – not the goodie-two-shoes putting on a show kind of righteous, the real kind of humble righteous I did not know existed… I hope my kids can understand that kind of life and how much better it is than just getting drunk with someone.

 

[BucephalusBB]

yes - be honest that it was "fun" and that is why people do it obviously, but hopefully as an "adult" we now understand long term effects... There are many parents who are not adults, they will go party with their kids etc... I think kids need real adult... again, not a prideful preachy nagging adult, an adult who respects and loves you, is willing to humiliate themself to try and teach you... I guess we have to first understand ourself why it is wrong... my grandfather died of alcoholism, I did drugs too, have seen the fun side, and the not so fun side to it... I now know that it is wrong.. I guess you can't be a "parent" unless you are to the point where you understand that it is wrong..

My drugs-experience, I saw the fun side and the totally completelly not so fun side.
I know it was wrong just like I knew from the little booklet I got at school when I was young, but speaking from my own experience, I would do it over and over again.
I know it was wrong, in many ways, but the pro's won from the cons by far..for me..

 

[Scuba Pete]

And what if it's something you are kind of proud of or at least didn't mind yourself, but would want your kids to do so..?

I am not sure how you can teach your kids honesty and then practice deception when you feel like it. I want my kids telling my great grand kids stories about the time when I... (fill in the blank). I want them to know that I was completely human and able to repent of my mistakes. Look at the OT scriptures about David. BOY, God was bluntly honest about the crap that David did: adultery AND murder. We should learn to be as open and perhaps we will make better choices.

 

[sandandfoam]

but... not to tell is to say "I don't trust you enough to be open with you". don't you think?

I don't trust them enough. I don't want my kids behaving like I did. But as they're half mine they might.
If I told them what I'd done they might think well he got away with it - I will too. I was very very lucky to get away with it. They might not be.

 

[McBell]

http://www.religiousforums.com/forum/1175258-post7.html

I have a question. If you messed up your life when you were young, then cleaned yourself up and had a family, would you tell your children about your past?

Yes.
I have and will continue to do so.
Not that I am "advertising" what I have done inthe past, but I find that it is often a good way to start out on common ground.

Some say – no – you need to be a good example, not a bad example for your children. If they found out what you have done, it would just be an excuse for them to go out and do the same thing.

I disagree with this all the way around it.
Yes you need to be a good example, but how is denying your mistakes setting one?

If yes – how old should your children be when you tell them?

If they are old enough to ask the questions, they are old enought o receive the answers.

However, I feel the need to explain that the answers need to be at their level.
When my then 4 year old started asking where babies came from, we explained it to her at a level she understood.
When she started asking the same questions at age 7, we upped the level, and the amount of detail, to her new level.

 

[BucephalusBB]

I am not sure how you can teach your kids honesty and then practice deception when you feel like it. I want my kids telling my great grand kids stories about the time when I... (fill in the blank). I want them to know that I was completely human and able to repent of my mistakes. Look at the OT scriptures about David. BOY, God was bluntly honest about the crap that David did: adultery AND murder. We should learn to be as open and perhaps we will make better choices.

Exactly what I mean. I don't feel like it was a mistake nor do I think I can find a better choice for me than what I did. But it was dangerous, so I wouldn't want my children to do it. I can only tell them what the booklet says, not how I feel. I will, but I cannot give it to them as warning, yet I will not allow them to follow me in my path, like my dad originally didn't allow me..

 

[Scuba Pete]

You know, the first thing I tried to teach my kids was cause and effect and that ultimately THEY are responsible for their decisions. I am ambivalent towards the use of certain drugs like pot and they know it. They just need to know that their actions can have serious emotional, physical and legal side effects.