*WARNING the following post is very long and is basically me telling you my life story. If you are not prepared for this you may leave this thread.
First I would like someone to verify for me that this forum is not run or moderated by any specific religion. I want honest answers.
Well first I'll give you guys some background info. I'm fourteen years old and have always been very skeptical (and a bit pessimistic at times) . I was the first to doubt Santa clause and I am the youngest child.
I always thought that the whole santa BS was cruel and takes advantage of young children and raises their hopes for nothing.
My skepticalness (or whatever the heck it's called) tends to leak into my dreams at times and causes me to discover that it was infact a dream.
Both of my parents are catholic converts (from before I was born) and are very religious. I have spent an average of two hours at church every week for almost my whole life.(that's like 1000 hours )
I have never enjoyed mass. The only parts that ever change are the homily and the litergy. (And even the litergy goes through a cycle). i always feel stressed on saterday nights because I know I will get woken up to go to church in the morning.
I spent over five hours at church this week. My parents believe if I miss mass on purpose and don't confess it to a catholic priest I will undergo indescribable suffering for all eternity.
Every teacher I have ever had is christian.
For the most part I have been kept out of school and have been 100% homeschooled up until the last two years or so (now I take a few online classes as well as homeschool catholic coop)
I thought it was all pretty legit. However one day I had a thought that may seem pretty simple to you but later caused me extreme anxiety and depression. "What if Heaven is not real?" At first I dismissed it as the devil playing with my mind but a seed of doubt had been planted in me and slowly began to take root over the next decade.
By the time I was eleven I was begining to have my first glimpses of the Internet.(under heavy monitoring) And mind you I hadn't had... that talk..... So my dad gave me a catholic book on sexuality. If my faith was like a block tower this wild be like pulling a block from the foundation causing the whole tower to become wobly. Suddenly God diddnt create babies anymore. I didn't lose faith all at once of course. But the seed that had taken route when i was a small child began to grow. This was when My parents took me to an apologetics class (not because of doubt.)
I thought this would be the end to my questions. But it didn't really prove anything. It just refuted a few arguments people have made trying to disprove catholism over the years but most of the refuting just felt like the said a bunch of barely coherent vague stuff and apparently that means that catholism is true and everything else is made up.
I began to slip into denial and didn't say anything or do anything about it.
Eventually I started to ocasionally drop hints or beat around the bush to try an get my parents to answer my rapidly growing number of questions. But they never said anything that i found useful.
as my access to the world grew and my knoulege of it increased I began to take my doubts more seriously. I started to freak out. I wasn't sure if I was going to heaven anymore. The cross of Christ couldn't help me cope with suffering anymore. I became extremely paraniod. When I first heard about Ebola I was absoulutly sure I was going to get it and suffer and die without knowing what would happen to me.
Then my unconditioned belief finally broke. I didn't believe anything I saw anymore. I kinda freaked out. I felt like my sanity was hanging by a thread and I held on for dear life. I became convinced at one point that my life was just a good dream in the midst of some eternal hell that I could wake to at any moment.
This eventually wore off over the course of a month or two. I think it had to do with the trauma of your entire life being turned upside down. I had LIVED for going to heaven. My whole life was based around it.
Now I have kind of settled into some form of agnosticism. My parents have know idea. I just don't really know what to believe. I have tried reading articles for both religious and non religious points. But I can't make any sense of it. Its like I'm a judge and all of the witnesses are claiming different things.
I really want to make the right decision but I don't know how. I don't want to waste anymore time worshiping a God who doesn't excist but I'm scared that if I just blindly become an athiest I will suffer for ever.
Also what should I do about my parents. I feel really bad going to confession and receiving communion and I'm bored in church and want to express myself but if I do my parents may not trust me anymore.
What should I do?
First I would like someone to verify for me that this forum is not run or moderated by any specific religion. I want honest answers.
Well first I'll give you guys some background info. I'm fourteen years old and have always been very skeptical (and a bit pessimistic at times) . I was the first to doubt Santa clause and I am the youngest child.
I always thought that the whole santa BS was cruel and takes advantage of young children and raises their hopes for nothing.
My skepticalness (or whatever the heck it's called) tends to leak into my dreams at times and causes me to discover that it was infact a dream.
Both of my parents are catholic converts (from before I was born) and are very religious. I have spent an average of two hours at church every week for almost my whole life.(that's like 1000 hours )
I have never enjoyed mass. The only parts that ever change are the homily and the litergy. (And even the litergy goes through a cycle). i always feel stressed on saterday nights because I know I will get woken up to go to church in the morning.
I spent over five hours at church this week. My parents believe if I miss mass on purpose and don't confess it to a catholic priest I will undergo indescribable suffering for all eternity.
Every teacher I have ever had is christian.
For the most part I have been kept out of school and have been 100% homeschooled up until the last two years or so (now I take a few online classes as well as homeschool catholic coop)
I thought it was all pretty legit. However one day I had a thought that may seem pretty simple to you but later caused me extreme anxiety and depression. "What if Heaven is not real?" At first I dismissed it as the devil playing with my mind but a seed of doubt had been planted in me and slowly began to take root over the next decade.
By the time I was eleven I was begining to have my first glimpses of the Internet.(under heavy monitoring) And mind you I hadn't had... that talk..... So my dad gave me a catholic book on sexuality. If my faith was like a block tower this wild be like pulling a block from the foundation causing the whole tower to become wobly. Suddenly God diddnt create babies anymore. I didn't lose faith all at once of course. But the seed that had taken route when i was a small child began to grow. This was when My parents took me to an apologetics class (not because of doubt.)
I thought this would be the end to my questions. But it didn't really prove anything. It just refuted a few arguments people have made trying to disprove catholism over the years but most of the refuting just felt like the said a bunch of barely coherent vague stuff and apparently that means that catholism is true and everything else is made up.
I began to slip into denial and didn't say anything or do anything about it.
Eventually I started to ocasionally drop hints or beat around the bush to try an get my parents to answer my rapidly growing number of questions. But they never said anything that i found useful.
as my access to the world grew and my knoulege of it increased I began to take my doubts more seriously. I started to freak out. I wasn't sure if I was going to heaven anymore. The cross of Christ couldn't help me cope with suffering anymore. I became extremely paraniod. When I first heard about Ebola I was absoulutly sure I was going to get it and suffer and die without knowing what would happen to me.
Then my unconditioned belief finally broke. I didn't believe anything I saw anymore. I kinda freaked out. I felt like my sanity was hanging by a thread and I held on for dear life. I became convinced at one point that my life was just a good dream in the midst of some eternal hell that I could wake to at any moment.
This eventually wore off over the course of a month or two. I think it had to do with the trauma of your entire life being turned upside down. I had LIVED for going to heaven. My whole life was based around it.
Now I have kind of settled into some form of agnosticism. My parents have know idea. I just don't really know what to believe. I have tried reading articles for both religious and non religious points. But I can't make any sense of it. Its like I'm a judge and all of the witnesses are claiming different things.
I really want to make the right decision but I don't know how. I don't want to waste anymore time worshiping a God who doesn't excist but I'm scared that if I just blindly become an athiest I will suffer for ever.
Also what should I do about my parents. I feel really bad going to confession and receiving communion and I'm bored in church and want to express myself but if I do my parents may not trust me anymore.
What should I do?