Exaltist Ethan
Bridging the Gap Between Believers and Skeptics
As someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I know all too well the pendulum between depression and mania, and all the emotions that are between those two extremes.
But this pendulum isn't about bipolar. I would like to discuss the risk vs reward pendulum that many of us face in our lives. When I called the cops on my parents, I made a huge risk by trying to get them arrested, and when they found no evidence of their abuse I was sent to a psych ward, and no longer welcomed to stay at their place anymore. I stayed in a psych ward for over a month, eventually being shipped to temporary housing. It was from temporary housing that a case worker called me and told me they found Section 8 housing for me, a place called Farwell.
My first year of Farwell, being by myself, was a disaster. Every day I was thinking that I wish I was still living with my parents. Every day I was lonely and besides taking walks around the neighborhoods I virtually had nothing to do. I tried committing suicide because of this, and later went off my medication, which led me to be hospitalized for over a month, even during my birthday. I was forced into a position which I either stay at the hospital, not get better, and ignore what the doctors are telling me, or take medication, admit my own mental illness and my recent misdemeanor would go away.
2013 was one of the worst years of my life, if not, the absolute worst. But then, after I admitted my mental illness, everything seemed to get better. The entire year of 2014 was amazing. I met a lot of people who lived in my complex, made a lot friends, and had more than enough to do that year because I decided to network myself and make connections.
The pendulum had swung to 2013 being the worst year of my life to 2014 being possibly by best. And I owe the entire circumstance to the case worker who found me a Section 8 place to stay when my back was against the wall.
The problem is, now, however, that I haven't taken any real risks since then. The pendulum swung from really bad in 2013 to really good in 2014, but has not swung that far in either direction since. In 2014 I had opportunities to move in with people, to network farther, to be in new locations than what I experienced before. And I didn't take advantage of those possibilities. My mom was my payee during this time, and even if I had moved out of state my mom could force me to move back into state with the control she had against me at that time. She was paying my rent and utilities, not me. All I had was prepaid card at that time.
Zoom several years into the future. I'm in a new apartment complex that is Section 8 but doesn't feel like it. I still take medication, still admitting my mental illness, but right now I am my own payee and I am in control of everything I do now. I found ways to get groceries without my mom, and I decided to get my own cell service because of how cheap Spectrum's deal for it is. The problem is, I don't have the same connections I used to have. I haven't networked inside my new complex, and as far as I know, everybody here treats each other like acquittances at best.
So before, I had the ability to change my life further, to take risks and be rewarded for it, because of all the networking I done in Farwell, but my mom controlled what I did at that time. But now that my mom doesn't have any control of what I do anymore, I don't have those opportunities anymore, and the pendulum that used to swing far in both directions as since almost stopped. No risks, no rewards, no good, no bad. Just a life where every month I get a little more than I need to survive so I buy some kind of electronic or software I never had before. This month, for example, I bought a mini PC, and Animal Crossing and Pikmin 3 for my Switch.
Since 2014 my life hasn't gotten really better or worse since. Before COVID hit, in 2019, I had a gym membership and a theater membership I was using on an almost daily basis during summer. That was an enjoyable summer overall, and I liked having things to do constantly - although I was on the bus more often than I'd like to be, given the fact that my gym and my theater were several stops away from my apartment.
I want to take another risk again. I want to move the pendulum from risks to rewards and I want my life to change, going from good to bad again. Since living in this complex I lived in now, I've made almost no attempt to network with other people, except a few neighbors that I made as acquittances that I sometimes talk to when the weather is nice.
Another issue is that I own a LOT of things now. If I go ahead and leave it all behind, I'm throwing away - literally - thousands of dollars worth of electronics, furniture and appliances just so my life changes, and because of that, it's more of a risk to change my life now than it had been in the past. And as I already mentioned, I don't know anyone well enough that they could or want to change my life that drastically. I am independent now and handle all my finances and issues, I even switched banks to somewhere closer recently, and, I don't want to erase all the good I did just to keep moving the pendulum back and forth.
I would like to stress that the pendulum is not manic and depression.
The pendulum is risk vs reward, good vs bad.
I feel like I can map almost my entire life now because I know exactly what's going to happen for the next few years, and that itself makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I've been living in the same complex for seven years and chances are I'll be living here until I die. And I'm only 33 years old right now. Being on disability means I can't save more than a few thousand dollars unless I put it into a trust, and I always end up spending it anyways on things I barely use.
Although I consider this a journal entry, I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to know what RF has to say about this. I know this is in the Journals sub-forum, but I'm looking for replies to this thread.
TL;DR - Has your pendulum moved significantly recently, or have you been stuck with the same things for awhile now? Do you play the risk vs reward game a lot, or you do you keep it safe for yourself? Does your life get better and worse or does it stay the same for the most part?
Let us know what you think below.
But this pendulum isn't about bipolar. I would like to discuss the risk vs reward pendulum that many of us face in our lives. When I called the cops on my parents, I made a huge risk by trying to get them arrested, and when they found no evidence of their abuse I was sent to a psych ward, and no longer welcomed to stay at their place anymore. I stayed in a psych ward for over a month, eventually being shipped to temporary housing. It was from temporary housing that a case worker called me and told me they found Section 8 housing for me, a place called Farwell.
My first year of Farwell, being by myself, was a disaster. Every day I was thinking that I wish I was still living with my parents. Every day I was lonely and besides taking walks around the neighborhoods I virtually had nothing to do. I tried committing suicide because of this, and later went off my medication, which led me to be hospitalized for over a month, even during my birthday. I was forced into a position which I either stay at the hospital, not get better, and ignore what the doctors are telling me, or take medication, admit my own mental illness and my recent misdemeanor would go away.
2013 was one of the worst years of my life, if not, the absolute worst. But then, after I admitted my mental illness, everything seemed to get better. The entire year of 2014 was amazing. I met a lot of people who lived in my complex, made a lot friends, and had more than enough to do that year because I decided to network myself and make connections.
The pendulum had swung to 2013 being the worst year of my life to 2014 being possibly by best. And I owe the entire circumstance to the case worker who found me a Section 8 place to stay when my back was against the wall.
The problem is, now, however, that I haven't taken any real risks since then. The pendulum swung from really bad in 2013 to really good in 2014, but has not swung that far in either direction since. In 2014 I had opportunities to move in with people, to network farther, to be in new locations than what I experienced before. And I didn't take advantage of those possibilities. My mom was my payee during this time, and even if I had moved out of state my mom could force me to move back into state with the control she had against me at that time. She was paying my rent and utilities, not me. All I had was prepaid card at that time.
Zoom several years into the future. I'm in a new apartment complex that is Section 8 but doesn't feel like it. I still take medication, still admitting my mental illness, but right now I am my own payee and I am in control of everything I do now. I found ways to get groceries without my mom, and I decided to get my own cell service because of how cheap Spectrum's deal for it is. The problem is, I don't have the same connections I used to have. I haven't networked inside my new complex, and as far as I know, everybody here treats each other like acquittances at best.
So before, I had the ability to change my life further, to take risks and be rewarded for it, because of all the networking I done in Farwell, but my mom controlled what I did at that time. But now that my mom doesn't have any control of what I do anymore, I don't have those opportunities anymore, and the pendulum that used to swing far in both directions as since almost stopped. No risks, no rewards, no good, no bad. Just a life where every month I get a little more than I need to survive so I buy some kind of electronic or software I never had before. This month, for example, I bought a mini PC, and Animal Crossing and Pikmin 3 for my Switch.
Since 2014 my life hasn't gotten really better or worse since. Before COVID hit, in 2019, I had a gym membership and a theater membership I was using on an almost daily basis during summer. That was an enjoyable summer overall, and I liked having things to do constantly - although I was on the bus more often than I'd like to be, given the fact that my gym and my theater were several stops away from my apartment.
I want to take another risk again. I want to move the pendulum from risks to rewards and I want my life to change, going from good to bad again. Since living in this complex I lived in now, I've made almost no attempt to network with other people, except a few neighbors that I made as acquittances that I sometimes talk to when the weather is nice.
Another issue is that I own a LOT of things now. If I go ahead and leave it all behind, I'm throwing away - literally - thousands of dollars worth of electronics, furniture and appliances just so my life changes, and because of that, it's more of a risk to change my life now than it had been in the past. And as I already mentioned, I don't know anyone well enough that they could or want to change my life that drastically. I am independent now and handle all my finances and issues, I even switched banks to somewhere closer recently, and, I don't want to erase all the good I did just to keep moving the pendulum back and forth.
I would like to stress that the pendulum is not manic and depression.
The pendulum is risk vs reward, good vs bad.
I feel like I can map almost my entire life now because I know exactly what's going to happen for the next few years, and that itself makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I've been living in the same complex for seven years and chances are I'll be living here until I die. And I'm only 33 years old right now. Being on disability means I can't save more than a few thousand dollars unless I put it into a trust, and I always end up spending it anyways on things I barely use.
Although I consider this a journal entry, I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to know what RF has to say about this. I know this is in the Journals sub-forum, but I'm looking for replies to this thread.
TL;DR - Has your pendulum moved significantly recently, or have you been stuck with the same things for awhile now? Do you play the risk vs reward game a lot, or you do you keep it safe for yourself? Does your life get better and worse or does it stay the same for the most part?
Let us know what you think below.