The Pendulum

[Exaltist Ethan]

As someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I know all too well the pendulum between depression and mania, and all the emotions that are between those two extremes.

But this pendulum isn't about bipolar. I would like to discuss the risk vs reward pendulum that many of us face in our lives. When I called the cops on my parents, I made a huge risk by trying to get them arrested, and when they found no evidence of their abuse I was sent to a psych ward, and no longer welcomed to stay at their place anymore. I stayed in a psych ward for over a month, eventually being shipped to temporary housing. It was from temporary housing that a case worker called me and told me they found Section 8 housing for me, a place called Farwell.

My first year of Farwell, being by myself, was a disaster. Every day I was thinking that I wish I was still living with my parents. Every day I was lonely and besides taking walks around the neighborhoods I virtually had nothing to do. I tried committing suicide because of this, and later went off my medication, which led me to be hospitalized for over a month, even during my birthday. I was forced into a position which I either stay at the hospital, not get better, and ignore what the doctors are telling me, or take medication, admit my own mental illness and my recent misdemeanor would go away.

2013 was one of the worst years of my life, if not, the absolute worst. But then, after I admitted my mental illness, everything seemed to get better. The entire year of 2014 was amazing. I met a lot of people who lived in my complex, made a lot friends, and had more than enough to do that year because I decided to network myself and make connections.

The pendulum had swung to 2013 being the worst year of my life to 2014 being possibly by best. And I owe the entire circumstance to the case worker who found me a Section 8 place to stay when my back was against the wall.

The problem is, now, however, that I haven't taken any real risks since then. The pendulum swung from really bad in 2013 to really good in 2014, but has not swung that far in either direction since. In 2014 I had opportunities to move in with people, to network farther, to be in new locations than what I experienced before. And I didn't take advantage of those possibilities. My mom was my payee during this time, and even if I had moved out of state my mom could force me to move back into state with the control she had against me at that time. She was paying my rent and utilities, not me. All I had was prepaid card at that time.

Zoom several years into the future. I'm in a new apartment complex that is Section 8 but doesn't feel like it. I still take medication, still admitting my mental illness, but right now I am my own payee and I am in control of everything I do now. I found ways to get groceries without my mom, and I decided to get my own cell service because of how cheap Spectrum's deal for it is. The problem is, I don't have the same connections I used to have. I haven't networked inside my new complex, and as far as I know, everybody here treats each other like acquittances at best.

So before, I had the ability to change my life further, to take risks and be rewarded for it, because of all the networking I done in Farwell, but my mom controlled what I did at that time. But now that my mom doesn't have any control of what I do anymore, I don't have those opportunities anymore, and the pendulum that used to swing far in both directions as since almost stopped. No risks, no rewards, no good, no bad. Just a life where every month I get a little more than I need to survive so I buy some kind of electronic or software I never had before. This month, for example, I bought a mini PC, and Animal Crossing and Pikmin 3 for my Switch.

Since 2014 my life hasn't gotten really better or worse since. Before COVID hit, in 2019, I had a gym membership and a theater membership I was using on an almost daily basis during summer. That was an enjoyable summer overall, and I liked having things to do constantly - although I was on the bus more often than I'd like to be, given the fact that my gym and my theater were several stops away from my apartment.

I want to take another risk again. I want to move the pendulum from risks to rewards and I want my life to change, going from good to bad again. Since living in this complex I lived in now, I've made almost no attempt to network with other people, except a few neighbors that I made as acquittances that I sometimes talk to when the weather is nice.

Another issue is that I own a LOT of things now. If I go ahead and leave it all behind, I'm throwing away - literally - thousands of dollars worth of electronics, furniture and appliances just so my life changes, and because of that, it's more of a risk to change my life now than it had been in the past. And as I already mentioned, I don't know anyone well enough that they could or want to change my life that drastically. I am independent now and handle all my finances and issues, I even switched banks to somewhere closer recently, and, I don't want to erase all the good I did just to keep moving the pendulum back and forth.

I would like to stress that the pendulum is not manic and depression.
The pendulum is risk vs reward, good vs bad.

I feel like I can map almost my entire life now because I know exactly what's going to happen for the next few years, and that itself makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I've been living in the same complex for seven years and chances are I'll be living here until I die. And I'm only 33 years old right now. Being on disability means I can't save more than a few thousand dollars unless I put it into a trust, and I always end up spending it anyways on things I barely use.

Although I consider this a journal entry, I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to know what RF has to say about this. I know this is in the Journals sub-forum, but I'm looking for replies to this thread.

TL;DR - Has your pendulum moved significantly recently, or have you been stuck with the same things for awhile now? Do you play the risk vs reward game a lot, or you do you keep it safe for yourself? Does your life get better and worse or does it stay the same for the most part?

Let us know what you think below.

 

[sun rise]

I don't explicitly think about that risk/reward pendulum very often except for financial issues. And in my young adulthood I made decisions that implicitly were about that but not consciously. That happened when I got married, dropped trying to be a chemist and moved cross country to study psychology and so forth. But when I found my path in life, that was in my past.

 

[Riders]

As someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I know all too well the pendulum between depression and mania, and all the emotions that are between those two extremes.

But this pendulum isn't about bipolar. I would like to discuss the risk vs reward pendulum that many of us face in our lives. When I called the cops on my parents, I made a huge risk by trying to get them arrested, and when they found no evidence of their abuse I was sent to a psych ward, and no longer welcomed to stay at their place anymore. I stayed in a psych ward for over a month, eventually being shipped to temporary housing. It was from temporary housing that a case worker called me and told me they found Section 8 housing for me, a place called Farwell.

My first year of Farwell, being by myself, was a disaster. Every day I was thinking that I wish I was still living with my parents. Every day I was lonely and besides taking walks around the neighborhoods I virtually had nothing to do. I tried committing suicide because of this, and later went off my medication, which led me to be hospitalized for over a month, even during my birthday. I was forced into a position which I either stay at the hospital, not get better, and ignore what the doctors are telling me, or take medication, admit my own mental illness and my recent misdemeanor would go away.

2013 was one of the worst years of my life, if not, the absolute worst. But then, after I admitted my mental illness, everything seemed to get better. The entire year of 2014 was amazing. I met a lot of people who lived in my complex, made a lot friends, and had more than enough to do that year because I decided to network myself and make connections.

The pendulum had swung to 2013 being the worst year of my life to 2014 being possibly by best. And I owe the entire circumstance to the case worker who found me a Section 8 place to stay when my back was against the wall.

The problem is, now, however, that I haven't taken any real risks since then. The pendulum swung from really bad in 2013 to really good in 2014, but has not swung that far in either direction since. In 2014 I had opportunities to move in with people, to network farther, to be in new locations than what I experienced before. And I didn't take advantage of those possibilities. My mom was my payee during this time, and even if I had moved out of state my mom could force me to move back into state with the control she had against me at that time. She was paying my rent and utilities, not me. All I had was prepaid card at that time.

Zoom several years into the future. I'm in a new apartment complex that is Section 8 but doesn't feel like it. I still take medication, still admitting my mental illness, but right now I am my own payee and I am in control of everything I do now. I found ways to get groceries without my mom, and I decided to get my own cell service because of how cheap Spectrum's deal for it is. The problem is, I don't have the same connections I used to have. I haven't networked inside my new complex, and as far as I know, everybody here treats each other like acquittances at best.

So before, I had the ability to change my life further, to take risks and be rewarded for it, because of all the networking I done in Farwell, but my mom controlled what I did at that time. But now that my mom doesn't have any control of what I do anymore, I don't have those opportunities anymore, and the pendulum that used to swing far in both directions as since almost stopped. No risks, no rewards, no good, no bad. Just a life where every month I get a little more than I need to survive so I buy some kind of electronic or software I never had before. This month, for example, I bought a mini PC, and Animal Crossing and Pikmin 3 for my Switch.

Since 2014 my life hasn't gotten really better or worse since. Before COVID hit, in 2019, I had a gym membership and a theater membership I was using on an almost daily basis during summer. That was an enjoyable summer overall, and I liked having things to do constantly - although I was on the bus more often than I'd like to be, given the fact that my gym and my theater were several stops away from my apartment.

I want to take another risk again. I want to move the pendulum from risks to rewards and I want my life to change, going from good to bad again. Since living in this complex I lived in now, I've made almost no attempt to network with other people, except a few neighbors that I made as acquittances that I sometimes talk to when the weather is nice.

Another issue is that I own a LOT of things now. If I go ahead and leave it all behind, I'm throwing away - literally - thousands of dollars worth of electronics, furniture and appliances just so my life changes, and because of that, it's more of a risk to change my life now than it had been in the past. And as I already mentioned, I don't know anyone well enough that they could or want to change my life that drastically. I am independent now and handle all my finances and issues, I even switched banks to somewhere closer recently, and, I don't want to erase all the good I did just to keep moving the pendulum back and forth.

I would like to stress that the pendulum is not manic and depression.
The pendulum is risk vs reward, good vs bad.

I feel like I can map almost my entire life now because I know exactly what's going to happen for the next few years, and that itself makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I've been living in the same complex for seven years and chances are I'll be living here until I die. And I'm only 33 years old right now. Being on disability means I can't save more than a few thousand dollars unless I put it into a trust, and I always end up spending it anyways on things I barely use.

Although I consider this a journal entry, I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to know what RF has to say about this. I know this is in the Journals sub-forum, but I'm looking for replies to this thread.

TL;DR - Has your pendulum moved significantly recently, or have you been stuck with the same things for awhile now? Do you play the risk vs reward game a lot, or you do you keep it safe for yourself? Does your life get better and worse or does it stay the same for the most part?

Let us know what you think below.

I am bipolar My Mom verbally sexually abused me by telling me inappropriate details and explicit language about her sex life and the sex life of men in her life into my 20s. But I never turned her in, verbal abuse is not against the law.

I used my Pentecostal church beliefs against her instead. I talked to her about God and being sexually moral.
So we had a few verbal wars going on in my house, especially in my 20s. I moved out on my own with a few jobs in telemarketing a few times, but I always came home again.

My Mom felt like because I had mental health issues I could not take care of myself. I was in government housing once.

When I came home in my 30s and 40s, the dark negative talk about men and sex stopped.

However, both she and I were OCD and obsessed with talking about sex so there was a lot of dysfunction between us about nasty jokes about men and sex that type of thing. My Mom liked flirting with men in her old age. I had to go to AA with her because after she got older, I had to go to AA with her to make sure she didn't get lost driving and that she was ok.

Again at AA there was flirting and just random silliness about sex and men and nasty jokes. My Mom died 7 years ago and since then I and my sister had a talk about AA. I wanted to go and see my mom's friends, I did a few times. But with all the nasty jokes and silly sex talk going on with the married men there, we decided I would be better off going to OA. I am obese and an overeater anyways and it's mostly women who go to OA.


There is a lot of other stuff in my story, but I understand the Pendulum. I was working in fast food and telemarketing a lot when I was younger. But I can't do it now. I think after I get out of this apartment to do things, and be more mobile, I will go to different religious services, maybe go to singles groups and meet men and go play games at gaming groups. That way I will be busier.

In between, I became a sex and love addict and my Mom was aware of my problem before she died and even took some responsibility for it. She beat my DAd up sometimes when she was drunk too, I was between 12 and 14 when she did.


I will check back in later, write more then.

 

[Trailblazer]

TL;DR - Has your pendulum moved significantly recently, or have you been stuck with the same things for awhile now? Do you play the risk vs reward game a lot, or you do you keep it safe for yourself? Does your life get better and worse or does it stay the same for the most part?

I did read your whole post, and thanks for sharing.

I have been stuck with the same things for a very long time and I am still stuck. I am referring to my basic lifestyle. I was stuck when I was married and I am still stuck, and I don't think I can change as long as I remain single. When I was married I was always complaining about 'our' lifestyle, but my late husband was not going to change and I could not change by myself so everything stayed pretty much the same for years on end.

One change that happened, not one I made, was three years ago when the state agency I work for had us all work from home because of Covid. Now it is safe to return to the building but I don't have ot go back and work there as I have permanent approval to work from home. Most people are continuing to work from home by choice.

As you know from reading my posts, I underwent a big change last year when I was widowed, after having been married for 37 years. That was a big change yet many things have remained the same, meaning my basic lifestyle with being at home almost all the time and with the cats.

I have a sticky note here next to my laptop to remind myself to start a new thread entitled "I can't do it alone" but I have not decided if I want to start it. What I was going to say is that I cannot change my life as long as I am alone, or can I? Other unmarried people change their lives, but I just cannot see myself doing it. I don't like doing things alone and I don't have any in-person friends, only friends online. The local Baha'is mostly have Zoom meetings but some Baha'is who can get out have started to have some in-person activities. I would be welcomed into the Baha'i community if I wanted to engage in their activities but I find them boring and I cannot pretend to be interested just to have some socialization.

Then there is the online dating, and I am sure you have read what I have been posting about that. I don't know any other way to met anyone but the online dating has been very disappointing and I think it is part of why I have been feeling depressed. In short, men don't want what I want and I don't want what they want, and I am not only referring to the cats, as many men are married to women who have multiple cats, take @JustGeorge for instance.

Most men in my age bracket don't give a twit about God or religion, they just want to have fun doing recreational activities and traveling and they want sex. This is very disappointing, because it is making it impossible for me to find a man, since I cannot promise I will want to do those things if I got married. I might be willing to do them, but I cannot say they are what is most important to me because that would be dishonest and misleading.

This is not really not about me taking risks or not, I am not going to take a risk for something I already know I am not very interested in. I suppose it could be different if I fell in love and I could change 'together' with that person, but what are the chances of that happening?

I think it is very hard to change when we are alone, unless we have something we are very interested in doing and can do that alone. I have the money to do anything I might want to do but I don't want to do it alone.

Incidentally, I don't think a person having depression precludes them from having a relationship. My late husband was on social security disability for the first eight years of our marriage since he was hospitalized for clinical depression. I had also been diagnosed with that but I was on antidepressants at that time and I was working for the federal government and had a good job. Although he was no longer depressed after we got married it was a long road for him to start working again, but eventually he got a job he could do and he worked in it for 23 years. Sadly, after he retired in 2016, he started to get depressed and it was so gradual I did not even notice it.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

I did read your whole post, and thanks for sharing.

I have been stuck with the same things for a very long time and I am still stuck. I am referring to my basic lifestyle. I was stuck when I was married and I am still stuck, and I don't think I can change as long as I remain single. When I was married I was always complaining about 'our' lifestyle, but my late husband was not going to change and I could not change by myself so everything stayed pretty much the same for years on end.

One change that happened, not one I made, was three years ago when the state agency I work for had us all work from home because of Covid. Now it is safe to return to the building but I don't have ot go back and work there as I have permanent approval to work from home. Most people are continuing to work from home by choice.

As you know from reading my posts, I underwent a big change last year when I was widowed, after having been married for 37 years. That was a big change yet many things have remained the same, meaning my basic lifestyle with being at home almost all the time and with the cats.

I have a sticky note here next to my laptop to remind myself to start a new thread entitled "I can't do it alone" but I have not decided if I want to start it. What I was going to say is that I cannot change my life as long as I am alone, or can I? Other unmarried people change their lives, but I just cannot see myself doing it. I don't like doing things alone and I don't have any in-person friends, only friends online. The local Baha'is mostly have Zoom meetings but some Baha'is who can get out have started to have some in-person activities. I would be welcomed into the Baha'i community if I wanted to engage in their activities but I find them boring and I cannot pretend to be interested just to have some socialization.

Then there is the online dating, and I am sure you have read what I have been posting about that. I don't know any other way to met anyone but the online dating has been very disappointing and I think it is part of why I have been feeling depressed. In short, men don't want what I want and I don't want what they want, and I am not only referring to the cats, as many men are married to women who have multiple cats, take @JustGeorge for instance.

Most men in my age bracket don't give a twit about God or religion, they just want to have fun doing recreational activities and traveling and they want sex. This is very disappointing, because it is making it impossible for me to find a man, since I cannot promise I will want to do those things if I got married. I might be willing to do them, but I cannot say they are what is most important to me because that would be dishonest and misleading.

This is not really not about me taking risks or not, I am not going to take a risk for something I already know I am not very interested in. I suppose it could be different if I fell in love and I could change 'together' with that person, but what are the chances of that happening?

I think it is very hard to change when we are alone, unless we have something we are very interested in doing and can do that alone. I have the money to do anything I might want to do but I don't want to do it alone.

Incidentally, I don't think a person having depression precludes them from having a relationship. My late husband was on social security disability for the first eight years of our marriage since he was hospitalized for clinical depression. I had also been diagnosed with that but I was on antidepressants at that time and I was working for the federal government and had a good job. Although he was no longer depressed after we got married it was a long road for him to start working again, but eventually he got a job he could do and he worked in it for 23 years. Sadly, after he retired in 2016, he started to get depressed and it was so gradual I did not even notice it.

This is what I am reading:

"I don't want to do anything because I'm alone."
"I am alone because I don't want to do anything."

You can see where this will lead, but honestly, I am in a similar position. We both have opportunities but we don't want to take them. Then complain there isn't enough risk/reward in our lives.

Get a piece of paper and write down all things you could do but you're preventing yourself from doing. Then, pick one of those things, circle it and commit yourself to the idea. You can't meet any new people if you don't leave your house, unless they meet you there. And you aren't going to invite strangers into your house.

You are ultimately alone because you won't do anything. If you do something, you might not be alone anymore. That is up to you. I'm going back to church when the cold Wisconsin winter ends. Probably a few of them honestly.

Be Nike. Just do it. Other people will come around later.

 

[Trailblazer]

This is what I am reading:

"I don't want to do anything because I'm alone."
"I am alone because I don't want to do anything."

You can see where this will lead, but honestly, I am in a similar position. We both have opportunities but we don't want to take them. Then complain there isn't enough risk/reward in our lives.

Get a piece of paper and write down all things you could do but you're preventing yourself from doing. Then, pick one of those things, circle it and commit yourself to the idea. You can't meet any new people if you don't leave your house, unless they meet you there. And you aren't going to invite strangers into your house.

You are ultimately alone because you won't do anything. If you do something, you might not be alone anymore. That is up to you. I'm going back to church when the cold Wisconsin winter ends. Probably a few of them honestly.

Be Nike. Just do it. Other people will come around later.

No that is not really it. One reason I don't want to do anything is because I am depressed about my home situation and going out and meeting people is not going to change my home situation. I would still have to come back home and face it. I cannot fix what is wrong here all by myself and I am not motivated to hire someone to come and clean it up, and since it is obvious that I am not meeting a man to marry I will learn to live with it as it is until I am ready to clean it up.

I also don't want to do anything because I cannot think of anything I want to do, if I go out. I am not going to a restaurant or the movies by myself, but I don't really care much about doing those things anyway.

Where would I meet new people even if I wanted to meet them? I don't go to bars or clubs. I can only think of Baha'i activities but I do not want to be around happy people because happy people don't like to be around unhappy people and I am in no mood to put on a happy face and pretend I am doing okay when I am not.

Unfortunately there are no widow and widowers groups in my city but next week I am going to a bereavement group at the senior center and maybe I will meet some people there who I can socialize with outside the group.

There are also some grief support groups at some churches I might attend. However, I have to be very careful because I cannot afford to feel any worse right now and talking about the past is only going to make me feel worse.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

No that is not really it. One reason I don't want to do anything is because I am depressed about my home situation and going out and meeting people is not going to change my home situation. I would still have to come back home and face it. I cannot fix what is wrong here all by myself and I am not motivated to hire someone to come and clean it up, and since it is obvious that I am not meeting a man to marry I will learn to live with it as it is until I am ready to clean it up.

I also don't want to do anything because I cannot think of anything I want to do, if I go out. I am not going to a restaurant or the movies by myself, but I don't really care much about doing those things anyway.

Where would I meet new people even if I wanted to meet them? I don't go to bars or clubs. I can only think of Baha'i activities but I do not want to be around happy people because happy people don't like to be around unhappy people and I am in no mood to put on a happy face and pretend I am doing okay when I am not.

Unfortunately there are no widow and widowers groups in my city but next week I am going to a bereavement group at the senior center and maybe I will meet some people there who I can socialize with outside the group.

There are also some grief support groups at some churches I might attend. However, I have to be very careful because I cannot afford to feel any worse right now and talking about the past is only going to make me feel worse.

The important part is that you're seeking community. Whether it be here online or the groups you attend you're doing something. I hate to break it to you but no matter what you do your late husband isn't coming back. Some people think I'm autistic because I don't get sad when people die. Death is a part of life and having any spiritual beliefs at all means they will come back to you eventually. Honestly, part of me thinks your depression is intentional so you don't meet anyone and then there will be no conflict in the afterlife as to which man gets you. If you think your husband is actually alive in some form why don't you act like he is still and be happy that one day you'll find a way to reach him again? Honestly the best thing you may be able to do for yourself is to stay single and keep your fidelity to your late husband. Have you ever really considered that?

 

[Trailblazer]

The important part is that you're seeking community. Whether it be here online or the groups you attend you're doing something. I hate to break it to you but no matter what you do your late husband isn't coming back. Some people think I'm autistic because I don't get sad when people die. Death is a part of life and having any spiritual beliefs at all means they will come back to you eventually. Honestly, part of me thinks your depression is intentional so you don't meet anyone and then there will be no conflict in the afterlife as to which man gets you. If you think your husband is actually alive in some form why don't you act like he is still and be happy that one day you'll find a way to reach him again? Honestly the best thing you may be able to do for yourself is to stay single and keep your fidelity to your late husband. Have you ever really considered that?

Of course I know my late husband isn't coming back, I'm not stupid.
I know my husband is in the spiritual world but there is no guarantee I will ever see him after I die. That is just a belief, a hope.

It is not very nice to tell a person their depression is intentional. Nobody gets depressed on purpose.
My counselor who knows me well thinks I should try to find a man to marry if I want to be married.
I probably won't find a man so I might stay single but not to keep my fidelity to my late husband. I know he would want me to remarry.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

Of course I know my late husband isn't coming back, I'm not stupid.
I know my husband is in the spiritual world but there is no guarantee I will ever see him after I die. That is just a belief, a hope.

It is not very nice to tell a person their depression is intentional. Nobody gets depressed on purpose.
My counselor who knows me well thinks I should try to find a man to marry if I want to be married.
I probably won't find a man so I might stay single but not to keep my fidelity to my late husband. I know he would want me to remarry.

Well frankly I don't know what to say anymore. You know yourself more than me, and you know your husband better than I ever could. So I'll just politely nod my head and step away.

Getting back to the original topic, I do have one thing I do still that actives some risk/reward management. I buy stuff I really don't need. On one hand the risk is not having financial security (which is impossible anyway on disability) but the reward is having stuff I like to play around with. I just tried my mini PC today. It's amazing. It's exactly what I wanted and nothing else. It's great at multitasking and doing pretty much any PC-related task that isn't gaming. I can post on RF, watch YouTube videos, read and write on Discord, listen to Spotify, go on almost any website, and overall it's a lot more functional in general than just a streaming player. And I only paid $100 for this, as I already had a mini keyboard and track pad to boot. I'm having a lot of fun with it and I intend to use it a lot since I love laying on my bed and I'm getting used to the mini keyboard design.

@Trailblazer I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you upset or anything. I just threw at you any argument that would stick. I really don't know you, your husband or your life really. I'm sorry that you've been struck by depression and depression is not something anyone should have to go through, even if it's as simple as anhedonia. If finding a new husband is what your late husband would have wanted for you, I think you should seek out a way to do it, and maybe try to activate the risk/reward system we've mentioned on this post - the pendulum as you will.

I'm not trying to make you an enemy or for you to resent me, I just wish I knew how to help you better and give you advice or encouragement to help you fulfill your life. As someone with bipolar I know how hard depression can hit when I'm not medicated well enough. I've had two survived serious suicide attempts that nearly killed me. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and I don't want you to feel like I'm being insensitive to you or your feelings. I just want to understand you better so I can in someway help you in anyway I can. Please believe me.