Telling family you want to marry somebody they don't like

[1137]

To many this is probably stupid, "who cares what family thinks" right? I'd certainly never leave a girl just because of my family, but I'm not sure how to broach the topic. There's the who single child single parent angle for one thing, so everything is tight nit, never had an issue with my mom in my adult life until this. But now it she's constantly telling me how my girlfriend isn't the one (even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance. And my family has made it pretty clear they aren't big fans.

So I don't know what to do. I'm more nervous my family who everyone loves than asking her father permission and such. But it's not like I can somehow leave my family out, we're a freaking Jewish family for crying out loud haha. But it's been 3.5 years, we finally have jobs that can pay rent, and I can't imagine loving someone more. The time is definitely quickly approaching.

 

[Sw. Vandana Jyothi]

Definitely not making light of your dilemma, and negative family input/interference sucks big time, but take heart. Yours and the lady's predestined karma (and any fallout therefrom) will win out every time! If you can, relax, love all the players in the drama and as much as possible, lovingly go with the flow; truly que será será.

 

[Godobeyer]

This happened to me many times before ,I and my parents got in disagreement in each girl lol
, good luck if your heart got broken .

 

[Deidre]

If you have a good relationship with your family, and for the most part they are not controllers of your life or anything, then maybe you should listen to their advice, and not dismiss it. Not saying beak up with the girl, but sometimes, our parents and such can see things we can't see because we're blinded by love. My dad loved my ex fiance, but I determined he wasn't the right one. I'm dating someone now for a few months, and they love him, but my mom loves him, too. She didn't love my ex fiance, she saw that he didn't respect me. I didn't dismiss her views, and she ended up being right. So, there may be nothing to it, but if your family and you have a healthy relationship, I'd not dismiss what they're seeing, that you're not seeing. Good luck either way!

 

[buddhist]

You don't marry your gf all on your own. Your whole family is marrying her, in a sense, and you are obligating them through your action. Likewise with the girl's family. Something to keep in mind.

 

[1137]

To further elaborate, it's partly a situation where nobody will be good enough, which I get. But the family is definitely acting like they care more about their happiness than my own. I fear my mom simply doesn't want to "be alone", since I was obviously the most important thing after my dad died. It's like reverse only child syndrome haha, where I'm the one who can let go.

As for the dislike, I just mean they focus on any bad thing and blow it out of proportion. The weirdest part being my girlfriend and I really don't fight. I get that sometime family has great insight sure, but I think it's certainly possible to look at the reason and evidence as well. No non-family members take issue for example. They probably like her more than me! And all the good stuff gets ignored, like they'd rather bring up some random problem from years ago than talk about something fun we just did together.

I guess I could be wrong though. I always did feel like there would never be a "right" person for me, and certainly she could probably do better than me if she wanted. I just figured this was an obstacle to overcome, but maybe I'm getting too close to being like Icarus melted by the sun haha.

 

[oldbadger]

To many this is probably stupid, "who cares what family thinks" right? I'd certainly never leave a girl just because of my family, but I'm not sure how to broach the topic. There's the who single child single parent angle for one thing, so everything is tight nit, never had an issue with my mom in my adult life until this. But now it she's constantly telling me how my girlfriend isn't the one (even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance. And my family has made it pretty clear they aren't big fans.

So I don't know what to do. I'm more nervous my family who everyone loves than asking her father permission and such. But it's not like I can somehow leave my family out, we're a freaking Jewish family for crying out loud haha. But it's been 3.5 years, we finally have jobs that can pay rent, and I can't imagine loving someone more. The time is definitely quickly approaching.

You have been together for 3.5 years, yes?
You both have jobs.
You love her and care for her.
She loves you and you know she cares for you. ??
You have not had any bad bust-ups or crises? (Arguments are fine, they are even good. Couples who never disagree are usually hiding cracks. )
You are in your twenties? Don't tell me that you're 17!

Are Jewish rules, like Bahai rules, requiring all living parents to agree to a wedding in writing before you can marry?
If so you might need to meet with them all together and explain how you feel together with your partner.

 

[1137]

run and never look back.

Run from who? Haha

 

[bobhikes]

(even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance

This concerns me. If your counselor is talking about your mom. I would say go for it. If you counselor is talking about your girl friend, I will stay out of it.

 

[1137]

This concerns me. If your counselor is talking about your mom. I would say go for it. If you counselor is talking about your girl friend, I will stay out of it.

My counselor was bothered that my mom repeatedly states that my girlfriend is not the one.

 

[Ingledsva]

To many this is probably stupid, "who cares what family thinks" right? I'd certainly never leave a girl just because of my family, but I'm not sure how to broach the topic. There's the who single child single parent angle for one thing, so everything is tight nit, never had an issue with my mom in my adult life until this. But now it she's constantly telling me how my girlfriend isn't the one (even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance. And my family has made it pretty clear they aren't big fans.

So I don't know what to do. I'm more nervous my family who everyone loves than asking her father permission and such. But it's not like I can somehow leave my family out, we're a freaking Jewish family for crying out loud haha. But it's been 3.5 years, we finally have jobs that can pay rent, and I can't imagine loving someone more. The time is definitely quickly approaching.

A good time for a heart-to-heart conversation with mom.

Ask her Why she doesn't like the girl, - or why she thinks she is wrong for you.

The rest of your family has only heard mom's side, from her. Tell them yours.

Ask your family why THEY think mom is against her. Family usually has great insight, as they know the people well.

And, they might actually ALSO have some misgivings about the girl, - which would give you more insight into the problem.

*

 

[Twilight Hue]

You need to make your own choices.

 

[LuisDantas]

I think there is no way of avoiding the need to balance the consequences of each possible choice.

On the one hand, I agree with my co-religionist above that, in a sense, it is the families being married and that should be taken into consideration.

On the other hand, you can't very well be happy by living by the expectations of relatives alone.

I advise you to accept the full magnitude of the prices paid by either attitude and then decide to make peace with them.

Hopefully that will bring clarity on what path of action is most likely to bring you happiness in the long run.

 

[jonathan180iq]

To many this is probably stupid, "who cares what family thinks" right? I'd certainly never leave a girl just because of my family, but I'm not sure how to broach the topic. There's the who single child single parent angle for one thing, so everything is tight nit, never had an issue with my mom in my adult life until this. But now it she's constantly telling me how my girlfriend isn't the one (even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance. And my family has made it pretty clear they aren't big fans.

So I don't know what to do. I'm more nervous my family who everyone loves than asking her father permission and such. But it's not like I can somehow leave my family out, we're a freaking Jewish family for crying out loud haha. But it's been 3.5 years, we finally have jobs that can pay rent, and I can't imagine loving someone more. The time is definitely quickly approaching.

3.5 years is a long time to invest in something that might end just because certain external forces don't like it...

The relationship that you've cultivated this whole time doesn't sound like something that needs to be altered - although you haven't mentioned much about your actual relationship. This whole post is about other influences. Are you and your girl happy and healthy, outside of your family's input?

If you are, then the problem is with your family, and you obviously see psychologically why some of that exists, given the dynamics of your mother-child bond and the loss of your father.
You can respectfully and carefully disagree with your mom, make your own choices, and kind of force her to change her stance over time. Seems to me like she has room to be taught a few things about relational and family dynamics. If it's you who has been given the role of both man and child, then you'll have to teach her those things from both positions in order for her to receive them.

Also, your lady will value the effort you've made for her in contrast to the contradictory voices that she must be aware of.

How does she feel about all of this?

 

[metis]

To many this is probably stupid, "who cares what family thinks" right? I'd certainly never leave a girl just because of my family, but I'm not sure how to broach the topic. There's the who single child single parent angle for one thing, so everything is tight nit, never had an issue with my mom in my adult life until this. But now it she's constantly telling me how my girlfriend isn't the one (even my counselor was like WTF?), talking negatively about her everytime she gets a chance. And my family has made it pretty clear they aren't big fans.

So I don't know what to do. I'm more nervous my family who everyone loves than asking her father permission and such. But it's not like I can somehow leave my family out, we're a freaking Jewish family for crying out loud haha. But it's been 3.5 years, we finally have jobs that can pay rent, and I can't imagine loving someone more. The time is definitely quickly approaching.

When I told my parents that I was marrying a Italian Catholic woman who was a waitress without any college education, I thought they might disown me, they were so angry. They finally accepted it, and it didn't take long for them to fall in love with her as I had. My father did not like Italians, both he and my mother hated Catholicism (my father literally threatened me if he caught me going to even visiting a Catholic church), and they thought I should be marrying a college educated woman. We're celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary this upcoming March.

Listen to what your folks say, take their words seriously, but ultimately you are the one who should make the choice because it's your future. Good luck.

 

[illykitty]

Do you know why they don't like her? Are their complaints valid? Also I'd say keep in mind, they might be right, but when looking for someone to spend your life with, it's not really about looking for someone flawless, but which flaws you can tolerate. Someone might not be bothered by something that others would find extremely irritating. It might be that their complaints are real but those things about her don't bother you. Or maybe you're missing a piece of the picture. Think of their complaints and maybe talk to them. Also consider your partner in this, can she tolerate being people that don't approve of her? What does she think?

Personally, something like that happened to me and my husband. My husband just told his mom he wanted to propose to me and she was angry about it. He ignored that, we got married and she sort of accepted it. She actually helped out a lot for our wedding. Can't say I have a great relationship with her but there's nothing I can do about it but to shrug it off. In the end, I don't really care, I'm happy to be with my husband, grateful he chose to go ahead with marrying me and also defend me.

 

[1137]

3.5 years is a long time to invest in something that might end just because certain external forces don't like it...

The relationship that you've cultivated this whole time doesn't sound like something that needs to be altered - although you haven't mentioned much about your actual relationship. This whole post is about other influences. Are you and your girl happy and healthy, outside of your family's input?

If you are, then the problem is with your family, and you obviously see psychologically why some of that exists, given the dynamics of your mother-child bond and the loss of your father.
You can respectfully and carefully disagree with your mom, make your own choices, and kind of force her to change her stance over time. Seems to me like she has room to be taught a few things about relational and family dynamics. If it's you who has been given the role of both man and child, then you'll have to teach her those things from both positions in order for her to receive them.

Also, your lady will value the effort you've made for her in contrast to the contradictory voices that she must be aware of.

How does she feel about all of this?

Her and I are great. Happy and as healthy as people with chronic issues can be! It's hard to imagine there's someone out there, who will cross my path in any way, that would not only be more accepting of me, but who I could so easily accept. Our worst provokes are snoring and having too many glasses out at once, haha.

She knows how the family feels, and it definitely hurts. She also knows that they also like many things about her. Even if everyone we knew would hate her I think she would still marry me, which definitely won't happen.