Quiet, introverted people

[AllMantra]

I often wish I were able to express myself more openly, cuz my silence is sometimes misinterpreted as a character flaw, such as grandiosity or hostility. I suppose I just don't have much to say, though I do believe that some things are transmitted without words.

 

[Badran]

Do you find it hard to live in this world where anyone 'outgoing, charming, extroverted' is considered normal, and anyone 'reserved, quiet' is abnormal, weird?

Starting from when i was a kid until i was about 16 or 17, i used to struggle with this. Mainly because of people's astonishing ability to misinterpret why i was like that, to anything except the reason i actually was like that with them for. Mainly they interpreted it that i'm too shy, or like been mentioned i've many times been perceived as arrogant or full of myself. It was frustrating to me, that they can't seem to face the simple possibility that i'm genuinely and truly, completely uninterested into talking to them, instead they took it into other meanings and perceived me with being the kind of person that i was not. I wasn't like that to everyone, it wasn't really arrogance, it was simply that the stuff that interested me was not with most people. I honestly had nothing to say to most of the people i meet and know.

I'm still the same in that i still enjoy and cherish the time i get to spend alone, but i also enjoy the time i spend with people who are close to me. I changed now also in that i'm more interested in people than i used to be, but i don't usually enjoy big gatherings and things of the like.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

I often wish I were able to express myself more openly, cuz my silence is sometimes misinterpreted as a character flaw, such as grandiosity or hostility. I suppose I just don't have much to say, though I do believe that some things are transmitted without words.

It does make it difficult to be loud and obtuse in the midst of a person who will not reflect your qualities.

 

[7he4uthor]

Not so hard, but it can become difficult to make a large circle of friends because they don't know how to get close to you. That was my problem in high school. People liked me but I was so quiet, I never got very close to people (with some exceptions).

7hats a very insightful answer madhuri

and the answer to those who dont know how to approach quiet ppl is ...
be quiet ?

i am in mx and there are no quiet ppl here
tacos tequila and tecate [vitamina T] and lots of trauma from loud noise for me.

i have seen [myself] many ppl who are quiet become targets for predatory types
and i myself dont know how to connect with other quiet ppl
as though we are just targets alone
but cannot get together
i wish pray
we could

 

[Madhuri]

When I was 16-18 I was still very shy (which I believe was a direct result of being introverted). At my dance classes, I would sit with my mother before and after the class instead of mingling with everyone (who were all older than me).

When I started to become closer to and begin forming friendships with other dancers, I learned from one man that he had thought I was much older and a snob. He was truly shocked to realise I was a teenager and that lady was my mother. Apparently he thought I was very intimidating, haha.

So yes, people can very much misunderstand the shy and introverted personality.

 

[Chisti]

When I was 16-18 I was still very shy (which I believe was a direct result of being introverted). At my dance classes, I would sit with my mother before and after the class instead of mingling with everyone (who were all older than me).

When I started to become closer to and begin forming friendships with other dancers, I learned from one man that he had thought I was much older and a snob. He was truly shocked to realise I was a teenager and that lady was my mother. Apparently he thought I was very intimidating, haha.

So yes, people can very much misunderstand the shy and introverted personality.

Thanks for sharing this. Honestly, I wish I were intimidating. Okay, not really, but you know what I mean. Looking too 'soft' makes you an easy target, especially when you're quiet. I am not sure if there are others who feel the same way.

 

[Badran]

Being intimidating can be very helpful if one is in an environment where people are targeted. I'm usually perceived as a guy who's on drugs, and who looks like trouble. Though this judgment is entirely based on appearances, and is completely off, i don't mind it and don't try to change that (which i can, because i contribute to that by the attitude i take in some circumstances) because it results in them being more careful around me than they are with other people, and i certainly appreciate that. With some people, the worst thing that could happen to you is that they get comfortable around you.

 

[Chisti]

Being intimidating can be very helpful if one is in an environment where people are targeted. I'm usually perceived as a guy who's on drugs, and who looks like trouble. Though this judgment is entirely based on appearances, and is completely off, i don't mind it and don't try to change that (which i can, because i contribute to that by the attitude i take in some circumstances) because it results in them being more careful around me than they are with other people, and i certainly appreciate that. With some people, the worst thing that could happen to you is that they get comfortable around you.

That's exactly what I am saying. Just looking intimidating could do wonders because at least people will think twice before doing anything. Being soft is never easy, as in my case, because people take you for granted. Many times I've had total strangers talk to me like I am an old friend, they even start making jokes at my expense when we've hardly been introduced.

EDIT: If I may ask, Badran, what do you look like (so that people think you're trouble)? I am asking because I am trying to understand why people perceive the way they do. Maybe, that'll help me. Maybe, I should do something about my body language and tone of my voice.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Nope. It is just how I live. I am a quiet person, and it seems that others have more of a problem with that than I do.

 

[Badran]

That's exactly what I am saying. Just looking intimidating could do wonders because at least people will think twice before doing anything. Being soft is never easy, as in my case, because people take you for granted. Many times I've had total strangers talk to me like I am an old friend, they even start making jokes at my expense when we've hardly been introduced.

That has happened and does happen to me too in some of the cases that i'm actually being nice and completely non-threatening. I wouldn't say its necessarily because you look or act or are soft. People sometimes know that a person is strong but also know that he is kind so they abuse that, and this happens to him although he's not soft at all. You could be perceived in many ways that will also result in you dealing with these situations.

EDIT: If I may ask, Badran, what do you look like (so that people think you're trouble)? I am asking because I am trying to understand why people perceive the way they do. Maybe, that'll help me. Maybe, I should do something about my body language and tone of my voice.

There certainly are things aside from the physical look that could send this message across. I can't say i would know what will necessarily work (as may be you could do somethings better than others), and i pretty much do the basics, nothing unique in anyway, as my appearance i think helps. There are basic ideas (though too many people are aware of it) that people are intimated from. The most basic idea is that people are afraid of what they don't know, as in whether you're being unpredictable or mysterious. Both could work in many ways. Again though, too many people are aware of this, but i suppose the chances that are left of this working are due to the fact that we all know that some people are really like that.

To put it to you briefly, i couldn't say for sure what will work, but basically what i do is try to convey confidence, serious confidence or complete lack of care, and try to be as un-readable as possible beyond that point. If people see your face with a dead expression, and can't really figure out much if anything about you, they'll usually keep off. As you mentioned as well your tone of voice should convey confidence, as well as your body language. You don't need to do any of this in general though, only if you feel you're entering such environment, and you don't want to be subject to any kind of things that might bother you. As being nice and non-threatening in general is a good thing, some people wouldn't abuse that quite the contrary they would appreciate it.

 

[Badran]

If I may ask, Badran, what do you look like (so that people think you're trouble)? I am asking because I am trying to understand why people perceive the way they do. Maybe, that'll help me. Maybe, I should do something about my body language and tone of my voice.

Reading this again, i just realized i didn't answer your question about my appearance. I don't understand why though, i got it while reading your post, but somehow while replying i was completely concentrating on your second question.

I don't really know how to describe the features, but i'll explain how it is perceived. Basically, if i was looking at you normally just without a clear attempt at being exceptionally nice, it would seem i'm staring you down. A general impression that is got is that my look also suggest that whole uncaring thing. That along side being tall and a little big, i guess does the trick.

 

[blackout]

Depending on who I'm with, where I am, and how I'm feeling
I could be seen on either end of the spectrum.

I guess I've always been that way.

Sometimes I just prefer to observe,
and to this day I'm not good at small talk.
I'm also not good with pop culture talk
or "trivial persuit" knowledge,
and I really dislike political conversation.
So that leaves me out of a lot.
Though now I've got a handle on "sexy talk" :flirt:
which can be really fun with the right people.
I like clever, and silly, philosophical, organic,
and intelligently creative
kind of interaction best.
I like hanging out with "thinkers"
who know how to have fun.

I also don't like to be a downer,
so if internally I just can't let go
of the sorrows and stresses of my life,
I usually say less.
In such cases I can come off
as very quiet and introverted.
Also if I just can't connect with my surroundings,
if I'm out of place,
and know I don't really belong.

If I'm around others who are similar,
or complimentary, to me
in interests/intelligence/character/life view
I really come out,
because then I'm Ultra free to be me,
with no worries.
Mutual appreciation and enjoyment
is always nice.

 

[Panda]

Reading this again, i just realized i didn't answer your question about my appearance. I don't understand why though, i got it while reading your post, but somehow while replying i was completely concentrating on your second question.

I don't really know how to describe the features, but i'll explain how it is perceived. Basically, if i was looking at you normally just without a clear attempt at being exceptionally nice, it would seem i'm staring you down. A general impression that is got is that my look also suggest that whole uncaring thing. That along side being tall and a little big, i guess does the trick.

Do you mean a sort of haughty smugness is sort of your natural expression? (I'm not saying you are haughty or smug though)

 

[horizon_mj1]

Another question out of curiosity. Do strangers immediately assume you're introverted just by looking at you? Do you have the look, the look that totally exposes you as an introvert even to people who know nothing about you?

I am definitely introverted out of shear lack of trust or respect for humanity (this is what life has taught me), but am always kind unless forced to defend myself. I consciously mentally say to myself if a person I wish not to speak to "what do you want" or "please leave me alone"; and I am quite sure that I portray some kind of "look" that may give away what I am thinking, thus usually being effective.

 

[Panda]

Do you find it hard to live in this world where anyone 'outgoing, charming, extroverted' is considered normal, and anyone 'reserved, quiet' is abnormal, weird?

I am actually quite a shy person in real life especially when around people I don't really know or in big groups. I don't see it as a problem though, also don't find it has that much of an effect on my social life.

 

[Chisti]

I am actually quite a shy person in real life especially when around people I don't really know or in big groups. I don't see it as a problem though, also don't find it has that much of an effect on my social life.

If they know you're quiet and leave you alone, then there's no problem. My problem is, they know you're quiet and soft and take advantage of you by saying nasty stuff (knowing full well you won't react).

 

[Panda]

If they know you're quiet and leave you alone, then there's no problem. My problem is, they know you're quiet and soft and take advantage of you by saying nasty stuff (knowing full well you won't react).

I've never noticed that happen tbh.

 

[Madhuri]

If they know you're quiet and leave you alone, then there's no problem. My problem is, they know you're quiet and soft and take advantage of you by saying nasty stuff (knowing full well you won't react).

Do you have a problem with self-esteem by any chance? Do you have a problem with being assertive? You can be sweet and shy but also strong enough to not let people take advantage of you. Obviously, that is easier said than done...

 

[Penumbra]

I haven't found it hard to be an introvert. It may change some peoples' perception of me though.

For instance, when I was a resident assistant at college, I had to work with 70 students on my floor. Inevitably, some people click with others, and some don't, and being an introvert provides a bit of a challenge here.

My supervisor used to tease me when we would get reviewed by the students on our floor, and they submitted them anonymously. Something like 40 people would respond to the surveys, and perhaps 38 of them said I was great, and 2 of them said really mean things like "She's such a cold and distant person, she has no business being an RA, and she clearly has disdain for every student on the floor." My supervisor would laugh and say, "Well, apparently 38 students understand introversion, and 2 don't. Great job!"

That's almost word for word what the psychologist told me.

It's a common definition because it is among the most elegant and concise.

It puts aside the notion that introverts necessarily have bad social skills or lack charm.

 

[xkatz]

Not so hard, but it can become difficult to make a large circle of friends because they don't know how to get close to you. That was my problem in high school. People liked me but I was so quiet, I never got very close to people (with some exceptions).

Ditto.