RevOxley_501
Well-Known Member
So a few years ago when I was posting here I was still, for the most part, a Christian - but trying to get away from the title Christian because I was nearly constantly embarrassed by the actions of other folks that believed.
At that point this was one of my last posts here at RF.
This whole thing was brought on by a doubt in the innerrency in the Bible - little did I know my Christianity would soon pass away, however slowly.
I know this isn't always the case, but for me when I found myself capable of questioning the validity and authority of the Bible the idea of god became something I could also question. That doubt, coupled with a comprehensive understanding of the human psyche as it relates to religion and a desire to know god led me to ask God to lead me into a perfect understanding of him...and at the point I decided not to allow any sort of emotional appeal or desires to affect my beliefs because in my view those things skewed ones ability to rightly discern the truth. I wanted the truth, and my prayer was that god would provide it no matter how intensely painful it was.
As I slowly realized that my god was something that I had created - nothing more than an alter ego of myself, more an omnipotent imaginary friend than anything else my mental state began to deteriorate. Everything turned dark and I no longer felt like I was me - you see, unlike most Christians these days, my faith was not passive in any way. I lived my faith daily, I felt god around me every day and I prayed without ceasing - I had "Experienced" god in ways that other Christians would call undeniable evidence of his existence. A Christian was everything that I was and all that I had ever known, it was my identity.
For roughly two years I struggled with the concept that I had created God rather than the other way around - this was the first time that god had been silent or that I couldn't feel him in many years.
I hated myself for my doubt and more often than not the thing I most desired was to kill myself and end this confusion and pain. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I simply didn't know the words to use to explain it- even my wife was in the dark as to what I was going through, she had no idea that I cried myself to sleep every night for months on end.
I was an emotional wreck.
I don't remember the date exactly - the whole situation kind of blurred together, but one night my wife and I were just talking and I told her that I didn't think I even believed in God anymore. I was shocked to find out that she too had endured some doubts - I literally felt the burden of the world lifted from my chest that night. Suddenly I felt OK with the idea that this life was all there was and that purpose was my own to create.
I'm not sure how often people go through a deconversion process that is as painful as mine was - from the many ex-christians I've talked to over the last 2 years since coming out I guess it must be pretty rare because often they explain it as a simple process that may take some time, but overall doesn't lead to any major emotional turmoil. I do know that it made me stronger in a lot of ways. I also know that once it was all said and done I was able to be happy without any sub-context being applied to it...and I truly was happy (and still am).
One of the worst parts about my deconversion was the feeling that no one had ever been through this at any time before...I know that's a silly thought now, but I felt that way none-the-less and it kept me from expressing what I was going through for a very long time - though at one point I found the awesome forums at ex-christian.net and they helped me become much more comfortable with this whole thing. Because I personally know the value of having someone to empathize with you during the darkest times of your life I think it is important to make it known that others have been there and that if neccessary there is someone you can confide in during times such as these.
Now, some of you more staunch Atheist veterans may think me silly for sharing this and for having such an emotional and mental attachment to something so silly as god....but the truth is that I did...and it is an experience that I can never discount or forget, so even if it may seem crazy or dumb in hindsight I think it's important to share.
Questions? Comments? Anyone ever go through a similar experience?
At that point this was one of my last posts here at RF.
This whole thing was brought on by a doubt in the innerrency in the Bible - little did I know my Christianity would soon pass away, however slowly.
I know this isn't always the case, but for me when I found myself capable of questioning the validity and authority of the Bible the idea of god became something I could also question. That doubt, coupled with a comprehensive understanding of the human psyche as it relates to religion and a desire to know god led me to ask God to lead me into a perfect understanding of him...and at the point I decided not to allow any sort of emotional appeal or desires to affect my beliefs because in my view those things skewed ones ability to rightly discern the truth. I wanted the truth, and my prayer was that god would provide it no matter how intensely painful it was.
As I slowly realized that my god was something that I had created - nothing more than an alter ego of myself, more an omnipotent imaginary friend than anything else my mental state began to deteriorate. Everything turned dark and I no longer felt like I was me - you see, unlike most Christians these days, my faith was not passive in any way. I lived my faith daily, I felt god around me every day and I prayed without ceasing - I had "Experienced" god in ways that other Christians would call undeniable evidence of his existence. A Christian was everything that I was and all that I had ever known, it was my identity.
For roughly two years I struggled with the concept that I had created God rather than the other way around - this was the first time that god had been silent or that I couldn't feel him in many years.
I hated myself for my doubt and more often than not the thing I most desired was to kill myself and end this confusion and pain. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I simply didn't know the words to use to explain it- even my wife was in the dark as to what I was going through, she had no idea that I cried myself to sleep every night for months on end.
I was an emotional wreck.
I don't remember the date exactly - the whole situation kind of blurred together, but one night my wife and I were just talking and I told her that I didn't think I even believed in God anymore. I was shocked to find out that she too had endured some doubts - I literally felt the burden of the world lifted from my chest that night. Suddenly I felt OK with the idea that this life was all there was and that purpose was my own to create.
I'm not sure how often people go through a deconversion process that is as painful as mine was - from the many ex-christians I've talked to over the last 2 years since coming out I guess it must be pretty rare because often they explain it as a simple process that may take some time, but overall doesn't lead to any major emotional turmoil. I do know that it made me stronger in a lot of ways. I also know that once it was all said and done I was able to be happy without any sub-context being applied to it...and I truly was happy (and still am).
One of the worst parts about my deconversion was the feeling that no one had ever been through this at any time before...I know that's a silly thought now, but I felt that way none-the-less and it kept me from expressing what I was going through for a very long time - though at one point I found the awesome forums at ex-christian.net and they helped me become much more comfortable with this whole thing. Because I personally know the value of having someone to empathize with you during the darkest times of your life I think it is important to make it known that others have been there and that if neccessary there is someone you can confide in during times such as these.
Now, some of you more staunch Atheist veterans may think me silly for sharing this and for having such an emotional and mental attachment to something so silly as god....but the truth is that I did...and it is an experience that I can never discount or forget, so even if it may seem crazy or dumb in hindsight I think it's important to share.
Questions? Comments? Anyone ever go through a similar experience?
. If it was silly, you would still believe in God 
