I always feel so sad after reading your posts.....the inner conflict is palpable and somewhat soul destroying.
How does one accept Jesus Christ but deny the benefits of the ransom he paid for us? If you understand the mechanics of Jesus' sacrifice, there can be no rejection of it. We had a debt left to us by our father Adam. A debt none of us could pay. We all inherited the defects that sin introduced into the world and into our genetics....sin is what causes death. No one can dodge that bullet.
Jesus is called our "Redeemer" because he generously paid a debt that none of us ever could. He took the bullet for us.
God's law demanded equivalency...
"eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, life for a life"....Adam paid for his own sin with his own life, but the perfect (sinless) life that his children lost could only be paid for by another sinless life being given in our behalf, buying back what Adam forfeited for us. It is something to appreciate, to cherish....not to reject. Jesus offered his life willingly because he loves us. It was a precious gift offered on behalf of all of Adam's children.....we are all Adam's children.
What if there never was a "heaven or hell" scenario ever offered to mankind? You won't find one in the Hebrew scriptures and Jesus was a Jew who knew scripture better than the Pharisees did. You won't find one in the Christian scriptures either because these do not contradict other parts of God's word.
All God's people were ever offered was the choice between life and death. 'Obey God and live...disobey and die.' That was it....simple and uncomplicated. God leaves that choice up to us.....but in order to make a choice, it has to be an informed choice.....I don't believe that you have made your decisions with the whole truth.....it is just the truth that was fed to you by a religious system in confusion. Christendom is not Christianity...and never was.
You cannot live like that......indecision seems to have plagued you for a long time....I can only imagine the burden.
But James gives us a platform from which to launch our faith.
"So if any one of you is lacking in wisdom, let him keep asking God, for he gives generously to all and without reproaching, and it will be given him. 6 But let him keep asking in faith, not doubting at all, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven by the wind and blown about. 7 In fact, that man should not expect to receive anything from Jehovah; 8 he is an indecisive man, unsteady in all his ways." (James 1:5-8)
Relying on our own wisdom is foolish. None of us can navigate this world on our own, nor can we pick and choose what to believe and what to reject in God's word.....its all or nothing. Either God is real and he has given us his instructions, or he is a figment of our imagination and we have no hope of anything getting better. It takes faith. And faith is something you have to build.....it isn't delivered all at once.
Remember what faith is?
Hebrews 11:1...
"Faith is the assured expectation of what is hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities that are not seen."
If God is real we have to find him......we need reliable guides and a sound knowledge of scripture, not just theology.
Paul's description of God to the men of Athens is powerful....(Acts 17:24-27)
"The God who made the world and all the things in it, being, as he is, Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in handmade temples; 25 nor is he served by human hands as if he needed anything, because he himself gives to all people life and breath and all things. 26 And he made out of one man every nation of men to dwell on the entire surface of the earth, and he decreed the appointed times and the set limits of where men would dwell, 27 so that they would seek God, if they might grope for him and really find him, although, in fact, he is not far off from each one of us."
Do you know this God? (John 17:3) Do we need him to conform to our view, or are we required to conform to his? Its our choice, but can you see that one of those positions is completely unrealistic?
I wish you peace, and appreciate your honesty......but for spiritually minded people, unless God is in your life on his terms, I don't see how true peace of mind can ever be achievable. The best you can have is resignation. Is it enough?