Polygamy Immoral?

[Nanda]

perhaps it's just me.

It's not just you. I just didn't care to comment.

 

[DallasApple]

If a poly (or gay) family is stigmatized, it isn't the family's fault, it's societies. The answer is to work to change society's view, not for poly (or gay) people to avoid having families for fear that they might be stigmatized.

Im not saying for them to.(not have families)But the cruel fact is UNTIll its more widly accepted it would be an added "burden" or "special" burden on children.And whether its the families fault or not..its definately not the childs fault..therefore your responsiblity is to pay speical attention to the fact that is what a child would be facing.Saying its not your fault isn't helping the child much.

Nor am I saying not to work on changing societies views.In the meantime is all Im saying..it cant be denied a child would have to face stigma and descrimination.

Love

Dallas

 

[Nanda]

Im not saying for them to.(not have families)But the cruel fact is UNTIll its more widly accepted it would be an added "burden" or "special" burden on children.And whether its the families fault or not..its definately not the childs fault..therefore your responsiblity is to pay speical attention to the fact that is what a child would be facing.Saying its not your fault isn't helping the child much.

Nor am I saying not to work on changing societies views.In the meantime is all Im saying..it cant be denied a child would have to face stigma and descrimination.

Assuming the family's outed. Of course it's possible. But that's not a reason to avoid having a family.

 

[Kathryn]

I understand why you felt like you needed to say that.For some in fact many women..the idea her husband would "need" or "want" another woman immediately makes you defensive.And the same goes for many men.

But the way you have to think of it Kathryn..is some men..(lets just use your example)..rather than need "more" cuz one isnt "enough" for them(which is how my mind gears and wants to go to if Im honest)..its that they have more to GIVE than just to one women.And as some have mentioned..some women in that case..."embrace" the idea of having a "sister" to love.In a way..they are "related" to each other through their common husband.The same as your husband is your "next of kin"..even though their is no "blood tie".

Well, to each his own...but my post was simply put - I for one wouldn't have anything to do with such an arrangement. Frankly, the concept grosses me out.

Just as I'm sure my heterosexual monogamous marriage with traditional values sounds horrible to some other couples...or groups...

It's not just defensiveness - it strikes at the very core of my relationship with my husband. We are AS ONE FLESH. He's my very best friend, my confidante, my lover, my protector, my mate, my heart.

Now call me foolish or naive, but I would think that's what most people are looking for in a relationship, and I just can't see how that works with three or more people sharing a bed.

 

[Storm]

Now call me foolish or naive, but I would think that's what most people are looking for in a relationship, and I just can't see how that works with three or more people sharing a bed.

You're right: it's what MOST people are looking for, and for MOST people, polyamory doesn't work. But should the minority be second-class?

 

[McBell]

Just as I'm sure my heterosexual monogamous marriage with traditional values sounds horrible to some other couples...or groups...

No, not horrible.
Much closer to self righteous.
Or perhaps superior.
conceited, even.

 

[DallasApple]

Assuming the family's outed. Of course it's possible. But that's not a reason to avoid having a family.

Nanda..read my post carefully.I never suggested to "avoid" having a family.I went further and clarified that is not what Im meaing.And Im clarifying it once more.But that doesnt change the reality of what Im talking about here.

Further you mentioned "outed".That in itself is sad.That you would have to "hide" your family arrangement..And Im sure at some point any children involved will know and have to hide it too. As well as why were you hiding it from them?That in itself could cause an element of "shame" which is not healthy.

Thats what im saying..the whole idea of it puts a child at higher risk for confusion and would have to be a focus area in the childs emotional well being.

This is what Im talking about(in part) with the "complications".

And not trying to dog on it..or go against you Nanda.Im just looking at it in a realistic way.

I dont know about the legalities of it.(making poly legal as far as legal marriage)Thats a mind twister for me.Im talking about it from the humanisitc angle..children of poly families would have a very special set of challenges.It can not be denied.

Love

Dallas

 

[Kathryn]

You're right: it's what MOST people are looking for, and for MOST people, polyamory doesn't work. But should the minority be second-class?

Who said something about making them second class citizens? Certainly not me. I wouldn't care if they moved in right next door - I would bring them a Red Velvet cake as a welcome present - just so long as they kept the noise down and mowed their lawn on a regular basis.

But I admit I would be sort of morbidly curious.

 

[DallasApple]

It's not just defensiveness - it strikes at the very core of my relationship with my husband. We are AS ONE FLESH. He's my very best friend, my confidante, my lover, my protector, my mate, my heart.

How do other people living happily in a poly reltaionship strike at the core of your relationship with your husband?..No one is begrudging you your happiness.No one is arguing your husband isnt your lover protector and mate..and your heart etc...

Why does your relationship and happiniess with your husband have to be defended by you when the topic of poly comes up?

You are defensive Kathryn.Even though you have not been threatened.Maybe its a "percieved" threat you are feeling I dont know.

Love

Dallas

 

[Trey of Diamonds]

Frankly, the concept grosses me out.

Yes and it shows in your posts, that is why some feel as though you are looking down on them and condemning their way of life.

but I would think that's what most people are looking for in a relationship,

And there lies the problem. You say "I would think" like you can't possibly imagine why anyone else would think otherwise. And even if "most" people think that way, so what? Why should those who don't be forced to live according to those who do. The majority isn't always correct. You repeated say you don't care what others do our how they live but your comments are laced with condecending and judgemental tones. My guess is you don't even realise it and are confused at the reactions you get.

 

[Kathryn]

No, not horrible.
Much closer to self righteous.
Or perhaps superior.
conceited, even.

Hey, guess what - I've been through a horrible divorce, and in fact, the marriage itself was even more horrible. I've tried things my way - without a Christian set of values - and failed miserably. Even worse, I put my kids through that. I have to live with that every day for the rest of my life.

When I decided I wanted to get married again, I went into it with a completely different set of values and principles. And guess what - this time I made the right choice. My husband and my marriage are gifts from God.

I believe that God honored our best intentions because we had FINALLY submitted our will to Him, adopted His principles, and determined to live by them.

In our forties, we found that balance and that harmony in our lives. But it was by trial and error - and a LOT of error on both our parts.

Yes, I am very proud to be my husband's wife. But I am very aware that we took the long way home, and that we hurt other people along the way.

If I can stop ONE PERSON from making the mistakes I made, that would make my day. I could have just cut to the chase when I was in my twenties, but noooooo, I had to do it my way...

DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES. DON'T SETTLE. DON'T PUT YOUR FAITH IN MANKIND, PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. TRUST HIM. SEEK WISDOM. YOU WILL BE REWARDED.

That's what I firmly...and FINALLY...believe. And my life proves that to me.

 

[Storm]

Who said something about making them second class citizens?

They already are, stigmatized and forbidden to marry.

I wouldn't care if they moved in right next door - I would bring them a Red Velvet cake as a welcome present - just so long as they kept the noise down and mowed their lawn on a regular basis.

Fair enough.

But I admit I would be sort of morbidly curious.

Why morbidly?

 

[DallasApple]

I for one wouldn't have anything to do with such an arrangement. Frankly, the concept grosses me out.

You have made this clear..more than once..

Now what else are you arguing or debating about?

You wouldnt do it.And why..is fine..I wouldnt do it either and why..

But that doesnt mean you cant try and understand how someone else would and why without it striking terror in your heart that somehow your undertanding of it means your marriage is at risk or it someonhow indirectly lowers the meaning or bond you have with your husband.

Love

Dallas

 

[Kathryn]

How do other people living happily in a poly reltaionship strike at the core of your relationship with your husband?..No one is begrudging you your happiness.No one is arguing your husband isnt your lover protector and mate..and your heart etc...

Why does your relationship and happiniess with your husband have to be defended by you when the topic of poly comes up?

You are defensive Kathryn.Even though you have not been threatened.Maybe its a "percieved" threat you are feeling I dont know.

I said I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY PART OF A POLYGAMOUS MARRIAGE - I didn't say OTHERS don't have that urge or that right.

And YES, if my husband came home and said, "Hey...been thinkin' about adding another woman to the mix..." that would make me very defensive. Well, it would also make me...err, gone. He'd have to find TWO more wives, not one more.

I was talking about MY feelings toward polygamy. I thought I made that pretty clear.

 

[McBell]

Hey, guess what - I've been through a horrible divorce, and in fact, the marriage itself was even more horrible. I've tried things my way - without a Christian set of values - and failed miserably. Even worse, I put my kids through that. I have to live with that every day for the rest of my life.

When I decided I wanted to get married again, I went into it with a completely different set of values and principles. And guess what - this time I made the right choice. My husband and my marriage are gifts from God.

I believe that God honored our best intentions because we had FINALLY submitted our will to Him, adopted His principles, and determined to live by them.

In our forties, we found that balance and that harmony in our lives. But it was by trial and error - and a LOT of error on both our parts.

Yes, I am very proud to be my husband's wife. But I am very aware that we took the long way home, and that we hurt other people along the way.

If I can stop ONE PERSON from making the mistakes I made, that would make my day. I could have just cut to the chase when I was in my twenties, but noooooo, I had to do it my way...

DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES. DON'T SETTLE. DON'T PUT YOUR FAITH IN MANKIND, PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. TRUST HIM. SEEK WISDOM. YOU WILL BE REWARDED.

That's what I firmly...and FINALLY...believe. And my life proves that to me.

Thank you for furthering my point...

 

[Kathryn]

But that doesnt mean you cant try and understand how someone else would and why without it striking terror in your heart that somehow your undertanding of it means your marriage is at risk or it someonhow indirectly lowers the meaning or bond you have with your husband.

Love

Dallas

Say WHAT? I don't feel that way at all. The polygamous sect down the road from me in Texas doesn't strike any sort of terror in my heart.

Heck, I can UNDERSTAND how all sorts of people end up together. That doesn't mean I have to embrace those decisions as RIGHT by my moral beliefs. It also doesn't mean that I would shun them. It's their thang.

 

[Nanda]

Nanda..read my post carefully.I never suggested to "avoid" having a family.I went further and clarified that is not what Im meaing.And Im clarifying it once more.But that doesnt change the reality of what Im talking about here.

I understand you Dallas, but I'm being realistic, too. It's no different than being an atheist and having children in a predominantly christian country, being black and having children in a predominantly white area, being poor in a more affluent school system, being fat and ugly and having fat, ugly children in a country obsessed with weight and beauty, having a predisposition for asperger's syndrome and having an aspie kid - I could go on all day. Unless you meet all the standards for "normalcy" in the area where you live, you run the risk of your children being ostricized. That's the sad reality of the world. And even if you think you've done everything "right," there's still a very real chance that your kid is going to get ostracized anyway. That's life, and it sucks, but you learn to live with it, raise your kids the best you can, and move on.

 

[Storm]

DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES. DON'T SETTLE. DON'T PUT YOUR FAITH IN MANKIND, PUT YOUR FAITH IN GOD. TRUST HIM. SEEK WISDOM. YOU WILL BE REWARDED.

That's what I firmly...and FINALLY...believe. And my life proves that to me.

Kathryn, read that post back to yourself as if it were being said to you by a polygamous person. Whether you mean to or not, you're being pushy, and that's why you're getting the responses you are.

 

[Kathryn]

They already are, stigmatized and forbidden to marry.

I didn't do that to them.

Why morbidly?

I was being facetious.

 

[DallasApple]

The majority isn't always correct.

The majority isn't correct or incorrect in choosing or "being" monogomous.They just are.Just like its not "correct" or "incorrect" for someone choosing or being poly..they just are.

Love

Dallas