Why do you think people make assumptions about orientation?

[TheColourBlue]

I was discussing this with a few people tonight. We got into a conversation on sexuality, and specifically, sexual orientation. It was interesting to hear their assumptions. One who I typically know to be fairly liberal and understanding said long ago that she was straight. OK. But then she turned to me tonight and said "so, you're dating (X - who is a guy) and you've dated a long time. Me and my boyfriend have dated a long time, too. We don't really know any gay people. Do you and (X)?"

There's always this assumption, it seems, that if you are a woman dating a man, you're straight. Straight people stick me in that slot; gay people do, too. I'm neither. I'm bi. I DON'T see sexuality and gender as so strictly defined, either. To me, I'm just a human who could have potentially fallen in love with another human.... and in fact, I did. He was male, but I could easily have been with a female for the last 4 years instead and I wouldn't have defined myself any differently. As it stands, though, I am VERY happily partnered with my sweetheart..... but that does NOT erase the harmless fact that when a best girl friend of mine is sitting on my bed talking to me, I have to suppress the urge to cuddle her.

So.... why do you think people jump to conclusions about sexual orientation so quickly? Have you experienced that kind of mis-assumption about either your gender or your orientation?

It'll be interesting to hear your thoughts and experiences....

 

[whereismynotecard]

I think maybe because a lot of people are more used to everyone around them being straight. When I was little, I didn't know about gay people, because there was mommy married to daddy, and grandma married to grandpa, and aunt married to uncle and so on. So I think a lot of people are brought up for the first part of their lives seeing men dating women and forgetting about bisexuality later. If a guy and a girl are together, they assume they are both heterosexual because they seemingly are. Maybe bisexuality isn't as common as homosexuality, so everyone assumes you are either sexually attracted to men or women, but not both.

 

[stacey bo bacey]

My uncle (dad's brother) is gay so growing up I knew about that. We'd get letters from them for the holidays and it'd say "Love, Steve & Tony" and when I asked who Tony was, my mom would say it was his partner. I didn't really know what that meant but I didn't ask about it any further because I just took it as it was his friend who lived with him.

I don't think it's intentional when people make assumptions about sexual orientation. Growing up, they should learn to know better, but it's sometimes hard to get out of that line of thinking. People automatically need to structure or categorize things to make sense of their world, I think, so that's why we make that separation between male and female. (And even then, not everyone is one or the other...transgender/transsexualism, intersexuals...)

Since I took a Psych of Human Sexuality class, it's gotten easier to see how often and how easy those lines blur. I try to just see people as people, not as a gender, because gender is just a set of characteristics we assign to boys and girls to make people feel more comfortable.

 

[TheColourBlue]

Very good points, both of you.

I think I was mostly taken aback because the person I was speaking with tonight is also in teacher education courses with me.... and I find it surprising that she didn't think she knew any gay people, let alone any bi people. I'm used to being part of a silent, largely unheard group, but sheesh.... I can guarantee anyone that they know at least 5 GLBTQ people with or without realizing it. Law of averages.

 

[whereismynotecard]

Very good points, both of you.

I think I was mostly taken aback because the person I was speaking with tonight is also in teacher education courses with me.... and I find it surprising that she didn't think she knew any gay people, let alone any bi people. I'm used to being part of a silent, largely unheard group, but sheesh.... I can guarantee anyone that they know at least 5 GLBTQ people with or without realizing it. Law of averages.

It's similar with religion too. I worked with a guy for about a year and one night we were talking on msn and somehow we got to talking about religion and I told him I don't believe in god. He said he had no idea and I seemed very much like the "church type." But I've never attended church. You don't really know people as well as you think you do most of the time.

I do know some gay and bi people though. My cousin, a couple people from my high school. Probably lots at my college, but I don't know most people at all there. A lady I worked with was bi. I guess maybe it's not something you use as an ice breaker. Unless people really know you, they might never know.

"Hello, I'm Hannah, Atheist, Heterosexual, Pro-life. I'm pleased to meet you. Please inform me of your religion, sexual orientation, and political views, just so I'll know..." Wouldn't it be horrible if everyone ran around doing that?

 

[TheColourBlue]

........."Hello, I'm Hannah, Atheist, Heterosexual, Pro-life. I'm pleased to meet you. Please inform me of your religion, sexual orientation, and political views, just so I'll know..." Wouldn't it be horrible if everyone ran around doing that?

Wellllllll....... if SOME people had it printed on a bumper sticker, I'd know which ones to cut off in traffic....

:run:

Yeah, I'm bad.....

 

[stacey bo bacey]

"Hello, I'm Hannah, Atheist, Heterosexual, Pro-life. I'm pleased to meet you. Please inform me of your religion, sexual orientation, and political views, just so I'll know..." Wouldn't it be horrible if everyone ran around doing that?

It would definitely make for some awkward introductions.

 

[stacey bo bacey]

Wellllllll....... if SOME people had it printed on a bumper sticker, I'd know which ones to cut off in traffic....

Haha, for realsies.

 

[whereismynotecard]

I think I'm heterosexual. I don't really know. I don't really want to ever have sex with anyone. So I guess I'm asexual.

 

[McBell]

"Hello, I'm Hannah, Atheist, Heterosexual, Pro-life. I'm pleased to meet you. Please inform me of your religion, sexual orientation, and political views, just so I'll know..." Wouldn't it be horrible if everyone ran around doing that?

Just think of all the time saved if we all have that info tattooed to our foreheads.

 

[3.14]

would be handy on security tapes aswell, ye the burglers name is bob the boulder he's a millitant gay jew democrate

though you would need a realy big forehead to get everything on it

 

[TheColourBlue]

LOL... well, if we all went around with that information tattooed on our foreheads, I guess that would drastically cut down on the numbers of partners we take home to meet the family..... or just take home in general.

 

[Smoke]

In my experience, most straight folks tend to assume everybody's straight unless they have a reason to think otherwise. If you're obviously partnered with a person of the same sex, or if you're a butch woman or a femme man, they'll pick up on something, but that's about it. For a lot of straight and gay folks, bisexuality doesn't even cross their minds.

People do the same thing with race. I have this vaguely "ethnic" look. A lot of people assume I'm Jewish; when I was hanging around with Puerto Ricans, people would think I was Puerto Rican. Many of my black students assume I'm part black, but white people assume I'm white. When white people tell me racist jokes, I like to say, "You do know I'm mixed race, don't you?" I'm part Native American, and not much of that, but they don't have to know that.

Anyway, I think the most frustrating thing for bi folks must be that so many people don't even believe in bisexuality; they think it's just a cop-out. I just had a discussion with a friend of mine about that the other day. She insists there's no such thing as a bisexual -- everybody is either straight or gay. Personally, I think everybody is at least potentially bisexual, even if most of us have a strong preference, but a lot of people are really uncomfortable with that idea.

 

[methylatedghosts]

I think maybe because a lot of people are more used to everyone around them being straight. When I was little, I didn't know about gay people, because there was mommy married to daddy, and grandma married to grandpa, and aunt married to uncle and so on. So I think a lot of people are brought up for the first part of their lives seeing men dating women and forgetting about bisexuality later. If a guy and a girl are together, they assume they are both heterosexual because they seemingly are. Maybe bisexuality isn't as common as homosexuality, so everyone assumes you are either sexually attracted to men or women, but not both.

I think more people are "bi" than not, just that it's easier and it's more accepted as the norm, to take a partner that is of the opposite sex.

Also, I find it difficult to believe that you are either Straight, Bi or Gay...

I'm quite positive it's on a sliding scale, 100% straight at one end and 100% gay at the other, and you tend to find a place for yourself along it.

 

[Sunstone]

There's another side of the coin, though. I've known people to assume I'm homosexual or bi -- apparently because they cannot understand how anyone could be completely straight. "Completely straight" is a foreign concept to them, and people naturally have trouble understanding what's not in their own experience. So it's understandable that some folks might have a hard time understanding how someone could be completely straight.

Also, I seem to confuse some people because they assume anyone who is completely straight would be revolted by gay sex. But in my case, that's just nonsense. I'm not revolted by gay sex -- I'm indifferent to it. I have neither an attraction nor a revulsion to it. And, frankly, I've never clearly understood why any completely straight person would feel much different than me. But again, that's just another case of it being so difficult to understand things that are not in our own experience.

 

[TheColourBlue]

There's another side of the coin, though. I've known people to assume I'm homosexual or bi -- apparently because they cannot understand how anyone could be completely straight. "Completely straight" is a foreign concept to them, and people naturally have trouble understanding what's not in their own experience. So it's understandable that some folks might have a hard time understanding how someone could be completely straight.

Also, I seem to confuse some people because they assume anyone who is completely straight would be revolted by gay sex. But in my case, that's just nonsense. I'm not revolted by gay sex -- I'm indifferent to it. I have neither an attraction nor a revulsion to it. And, frankly, I've never clearly understood why any completely straight person would feel much different than me. But again, that's just another case of it being so difficult to understand things that are not in our own experience.

You make a great point -- if someone is secure with who they are, then why should what others do in the bedroom matter much to them, as long as it's between two consenting adults? *shrugs* Beats me! At any rate.... good for you for just being yourself and debunking 'nonsense' as it comes at you!

(and hey, girls on trampolines sounds like an AWESOME religion...)

 

[Storm]

Anyway, I think the most frustrating thing for bi folks must be that so many people don't even believe in bisexuality; they think it's just a cop-out. I just had a discussion with a friend of mine about that the other day. She insists there's no such thing as a bisexual -- everybody is either straight or gay.

Yeah, I've had people argue with me about my own orientation for just this reason.

 

[Father Heathen]

Anyway, I think the most frustrating thing for bi folks must be that so many people don't even believe in bisexuality; they think it's just a cop-out. I just had a discussion with a friend of mine about that the other day. She insists there's no such thing as a bisexual -- everybody is either straight or gay. Personally, I think everybody is at least potentially bisexual, even if most of us have a strong preference, but a lot of people are really uncomfortable with that idea.

How do they even rationalize that argument? Sexuality isn't simply back and white. You're right; the idea that everyone might be varying degrees of bisexual makes much more sense.

 

[Diederick]

I've never really liked girls nearly as much as I loved guys. I cannot see myself living with a woman, thinking about sex with a woman makes me feel very uncomfortable and growing old with a woman seems like a preview of hell for me. I love guys, I can totally see myself marrying one, living with one and growing old with one. And the sex, well, let's say I am more than positive toward it.

Women: negative, guys: positive, outcome: gay/homosexual. There are names for sexual orientations, so there are definitions for them. Some people argue that you can be a little gay, more like on a scaling from straight to gay, with bisexual in the middle. I guess that could be true, but that would still render me very far to the (gay) right. Frankly I don't care this much, though I do appreciate it when people have made up their mind about things like this.

The thing I hate most about these 'assumptions' is that everyone assumes general heterosexuality, just because the mass is that way. People should be a little less suggestive in their speech and leave options open, because there simply are options.