Some one-liners

[Mock Turtle]

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers. It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times. (UK only?)

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws any more.

They have signs in hospital car parks which say, "Thieves Operate Here" Personally, I'd feel a lot safer with a surgeon.

I bought a book called 'Do It Yourself Surgery'. When I opened it, would you believe it - the appendix was missing!

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only numbers 1, 3, & 5 had been done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

Et tu, brutes?

 

[Revoltingest]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

[libre]

My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws any more.

I like this one

 

[Callisto]

It's the early bird that catches the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

 

[Revoltingest]

 

[Wandering Monk]

“Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.”
― Woody Allen

 

[Alien826]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

1) To see Gregory Peck (that's for us old folks).
2) It was too far to go round.

 

[Revoltingest]

“Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.”
― Woody Allen

I remember that one.

Now I offer...

 

[Hold]

1. How do you stop a bull from charging?
   Cancel its credit card!
2. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
   A condescending con descending!
3. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
   Because then it would be a foot!
4. What is the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
   Attire!
5. What do you call an angry carrot?
   A steamed veggie!
6. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
   In case he got a hole-in-one!
7. What did the horse say after it tripped?
   Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!
8. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
   For drizzle!
9. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
   A father-in-law!
10. What do you call a man that irons clothes?
    Iron Man!

 

[ChristineM]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Despite the high cost of living it still remains popular

 

[Revoltingest]

 

[Callisto]

 

[Viker]

Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions? I sure do.

 

[Revoltingest]

One of my favorites...

 

[Stevicus]

Steven Wright had a whole slew of one liners, such as: "All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now."

 

[Revoltingest]

3 stooges as census takers talking to a man....
"Are you married or happy?"

 

[Viker]

Just watched a video in where a young man describes the appeal of a Harley-Davidson for millions to a younger audience.

"Rougher than a peg legged ballerina.... until you see her dance."

 

[Revoltingest]

 

[Stevicus]

Where do rabbits go for breakfast? IHOP.

 

[Revoltingest]