Should We Accept Others As They Are?

[Bathsheba]

Ok, so you will pretend to like someone to keep from embarrassing yourself, but talk later about him to others behind his back, just so you are not embarressed.

I can't read this discussion without contrasting your argument with your kitty-kat-gone wild-avatar … it totally cracks me up.

 

[jeffrey]

Don't you think it is possible to be a civil adult and not pretend to like somebody?

Don't you think it is possible to pretend to like somebody and not be a civil adult?

Hey, all I'm saying is that it is possible to do one or the other.

But, can you pretend to like adult films with uncivil actors? j/k

LOL! That's funny.
Maybe I'm getting old. But if I am in a social gathering, I would much rather tell someone what I think about them to their face then talk about them later behind their back. If I can't tell them to their face what I think, but talk about them later behind their back would make me a coward and shallow.

If you can't say it to their face, then keep it to yourself. Would that not be truly be a "Civil Adult"?

 

[jeffrey]

I can't read this discussion without contrasting your argument with your kitty-kat-gone wild-avatar … it totally cracks me up.

LOl. Frubals to you!

 

[Bathsheba]

LOL! That's funny.
Maybe I'm getting old. But if I am in a social gathering, I would much rather tell someone what I think about them to their face then talk about them later behind their back. If I can't tell them to their face what I think, but talk about them later behind their back would make me a coward and shallow.

If you can't say it to their face, then keep it to yourself. Would that not be truly be a "Civil Adult"?

Not being a gossip is a worthy value in my book. I say that even though I trample on no-gossip rule on occasion. I usually feel like crap after talking behind somebody's back.

On the other hand, I also value not being open with all my perceptions of others. I can dislike somebody and I don't feel morally compromised at all if I keep it to myself. The situation dictates if a person should enjoy the benefit of my perception and that willingness to be open might constitute an adult civil act. The opportunity to engage in this kind of civility is rare; at least that has been my experience.

 

[Bathsheba]

Maybe I'm getting old.

There really may be something to this, don't you think? I mean, after a while we just don't care as much because being on the other side of life gives you a perspective about these things. I dunno, maybe a lot of it is just 'personality' and some folks don't change with age. But yeah, I think getting older can play a role.

 

[jeffrey]

Not being a gossip is a worthy value in my book. I say that even though I trample on no-gossip rule on occasion. I usually feel like crap after talking behind somebody's back.

On the other hand, I also value not being open with all my perceptions of others. I can dislike somebody and I don't feel morally compromised at all if I keep it to myself. The situation dictates if a person should enjoy the benefit of my perception and that willingness to be open might constitute an adult civil act. The opportunity to engage in this kind of civility is rare; at least that has been my experience.

But that's it. If you can't say it to their face, keep it to yourself.
I might talk about someone to my wife, but, like you, feel guilty about it. And to others, I won't. 2 reasons.
1st, it's wrong. If you can't say it to their face, then don't say it.

2nd. It has a warped way of getting back to them. lol.

2 months later they come up to you and say" Hey, so n so said you thought I was a dick!" You tell them, "No I did not! I said you were a Pr_ick, not a dick, let's get this straight! It can be akward. If you would have told them from the onset, this would never have happened.

 

[jeffrey]

Side note.

If you hear others talking about others behind thier back, do you not wonder what they say about you behind your back?
Just a thought..

 

[Buttercup]

Ok, so you will pretend to like someone to keep from embarrassing yourself, but talk later about him to others behind his back, just so you are not embarressed.

No, I'm not "pretending" to like someone, I'm merely being polite and mature and acting with class. Being polite and civil does not equate with liking someone.

 

[Willamena]

2nd. It has a warped way of getting back to them. lol.

True. I made it a personal rule long ago (though also forgot it long ago, but it sticks around anyway) to never do anything that might cause regret. It's a rule for me, and governs my behavior, not for others; and so I do it even when no one is around.

 

[jeffrey]

No, I'm not "pretending" to like someone, I'm merely being polite and mature and acting with class. Being polite and civil does not equate with liking someone.

I'm sorry here, but being 'mature' and "acting with class" is being 2 faced and a snob. Call a spade a spade and be done with it. Just like in this forum. If I don't like someone, I have no quam about letting them know it. And the people that don't like me that have no quam about telling me, I respect a whole hell of a lot more then the ones that pretend to be 'mature' and 'act with class' (bar 1 ).
Example. Pah. When I 1st joined this forum, he did not like me (or my impression was he did not), nor I him. But I respected him because of that. In fact, because of that respect, I learned a lot from him. He opened my eyes to aspects about myself that others, being 'polite' and 'mature' would not have. In doing so, I humbled myself to the aspect that he was right, and I was wrong. I probably respect him more then anyone else in this forum for sticking to his guns. because of him, I feel I have 'matured'.
Jay is another one. I disagree with is position on most things, and he lacks tact :bow:, but I respect him. And I value 'respect' more then 'like' He don't like me, nor do I like him. But I respect him. To me it is more 'mature' to be truthful.

 

[eudaimonia]

Kind of a side note. How many of you that "Accept" others as the way they are talk about them behind their backs? I dare you to be honest.

If you'll refer back to my initial post, accepting others as who they are does not in any way imply moral approval or friendship. Acceptance here means the recognition of the fact that you don't have an unlimited ability to change others in ways that you may like.

I do talk about other people when they aren't around, but only in a constructive way, which sometimes includes venting, but is never nasty or meanspirited. Yes, that's totally honest.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[jeffrey]

If you'll refer back to my initial post, accepting others as who they are does not in any way imply moral approval or friendship. Acceptance here means the recognition of the fact that you don't have an unlimited ability to change others in ways that you may like.

So when should you have the ability to change someone?

I do talk about other people when they aren't around, but only in a constructive way, which sometimes includes venting, but is never nasty or meanspirited. Yes, that's totally honest.

Why not say it to their face instead of behind their back? (I do the same, but have no reservation about saying it to their face either. Just curious to your response) And what is constructive? How can something be constructive when you are not talking to that person directly?

 

[Buttercup]

I'm sorry here, but being 'mature' and "acting with class" is being 2 faced and a snob. Call a spade a spade and be done with it. Just like in this forum. If I don't like someone, I have no quam about letting them know it. And the people that don't like me that have no quam about telling me, I respect a whole hell of a lot more then the ones that pretend to be 'mature' and 'act with class' (bar 1 ).

Let me ask if I've gotten this straight. If I am at a social function where there happens to be a person I don't like in attendance, I should walk up to them and tell them that fact or else I'm a two faced snob? Jeffery, that is mean, ridiculous and so middle schoolish. See, I had no problem telling you you take a flying leap.

Example. Pah. When I 1st joined this forum, he did not like me (or my impression was he did not), nor I him. But I respected him because of that. In fact, because of that respect, I learned a lot from him. He opened my eyes to aspects about myself that others, being 'polite' and 'mature' would not have. In doing so, I humbled myself to the aspect that he was right, and I was wrong. I probably respect him more then anyone else in this forum for sticking to his guns. because of him, I feel I have 'matured'.
Jay is another one. I disagree with is position on most things, and he lacks tact :bow:, but I respect him. And I value 'respect' more then 'like' He don't like me, nor do I like him. But I respect him. To me it is more 'mature' to be truthful.

Anyone I don't like on this forum knows it. That's probably one person. There, are you happy that I'm more like you now?

 

[jeffrey]

Let me ask if I've gotten this straight. If I am at a social function where there happens to be a person I don't like in attendance, I should walk up to them and tell them that fact or else I'm a two faced snob? Jeffery, that is mean, ridiculous and so middle schoolish. See, I had no problem telling you you take a flying leap.

Did I ever say that? What I am saying, and I am sure you know what I am saying is to be nice to their face, or as you put it, 'polite' then talk about them behind their back. But I guess you call that 'being mature'. :sarcastic

Anyone I don't like on this forum knows it. That's probably one person. There, are you happy that I'm more like you now?

You'll get there. I have faith in you. :tigger:

 

[Buttercup]

Did I ever say that? What I am saying, and I am sure you know what I am saying is to be nice to their face, or as you put it, 'polite' then talk about them behind their back. But I guess you call that 'being mature'. :sarcastic

If that were the scenario, it's possible I might say something briefly to my husband after the event but probably no one else. And, more than likely I would avoid that person. What's wrong with that?

 

[Storm]

Did I ever say that? What I am saying, and I am sure you know what I am saying is to be nice to their face, or as you put it, 'polite' then talk about them behind their back. But I guess you call that 'being mature'. :sarcastic

Why do you assume that she's talking **** behind their backs?

 

[ChristineES]

Would you even believe me if I said I accepted most people for who or what they are? I wasn't always so accepting. I used to look at people's bad points but now instead I ignore their bad points and look at their good points (no matter how many bad points a person has, they also have good points in just as big a number).

With the acception of what I already posted about whom I don't accept, I truly do accept nearly all people now. No, I am not some incredibly nice person (I try to be a kind person, but I don't always succeed) but I remind myelf that I am not perfect either when someone I care about starts to get annoying.

Here is a case history:
I used to know a man who was charming, polite to women (to their faces that is), and had a great sense of humor. The downside was that he was a racist. He was one of those racists who talk nice to the person's face yet will say the most offensive things about the person's ethnic group behind his back. I did not accept the fact at all that he was racist, as I find racism repugnant. But when he was being nice, I did not mind him. (It wasn't a social thing, he was my boss). Doesn't that mean I accepted the man without accepting his racism?

 

[jeffrey]

If that were the scenario, it's possible I might say something briefly to my husband after the event but probably no one else. And, more than likely I would avoid that person. What's wrong with that?

Nothing, if that is what you truly do, and if so, I tip my hat to you.

 

[eudaimonia]

So when should you have the ability to change someone?

Should?

Why not say it to their face instead of behind their back?

Because sometimes I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings about another person, and talking about this with a third party may help. It's a way of getting another perspective on the situation.

I do the same, but have no reservation about saying it to their face either.

I never said that I wouldn't say the same thing to their face, but it really depends on the situation.

And what is constructive? How can something be constructive when you are not talking to that person directly?

Constructive means raising awareness of the issues and planning courses of action intended to produce positive results.


eudaimonia,

Mark