Starsoul
Truth
that's what i'm trying to do. i was pretty much "scared" into doing it from a group that i studied Islam with. i jumped into it and stuck with it (gave it a try) for all these years. i've tried different styles, fabrics, fashions, etc. and i just struggle with it.
i disagree that hijab has been settled a long time though; perhaps it has been for you and those around you, but not amongst a lot of women i speak with. again, i think different people struggle with different things, but the HIJAB is so visible that everyone sees it. no one would really know if i don't pray, fast, etc. do you see what i'm saying? one is no better or worse of a struggle, just more or less visible. i just feel like not wearing the hijab is considered a bigger "sin" than not doing other things...by OTHER people.
Your fears cannot be adressed to if you dont come out in the open about them. You haven't clearly mentioned that whether its the 'vague(in your opinion) ayah' which puts you in doubt, or its the friends that you 'speak' with who are as confused about it as you are.( please dont take my tone to be harsh, i'm a very sweet person )
Having read your posts, I think its your friends, or the people whose opinions matter to you a lot ,that have not really encouraged and supported you in your decision towards it. And if your friends do not cover up, there's a slim chance that you'll even FEEL like doing it. Our friends, peers, and people who we look upto form a great deal of peer pressure into our lives.
If that is so, then I can only ask you to find like minded people, or be confident in your practice of deen. I can totally relate to what you are going through as I went through this phase too and, I ,too was not appreciated by my peer group because none of them observed the hijab ( what to talk of a veil) and they looked at it a backward thing, not contemporary, not stylish and although they usually kept mum about commenting much over it, it was obvious they did not feel too comfortable around it.
Now, in such situations, one DOES feel bogged own and weird as if you're really loosing out your base with your friends and the chic-circle, and things were much better "when I didnt use to do it, and I feel much confident as a person without a hijab too".
But Really, don't you think that all these are vain thoughts fueled by the shaitan? Do you think that you'll please Allah by surrendering into the nagging of your peer pressure or the likes of those around you? (which ever thing is causing you to overlook your decision) Is that a good excuse from slipping from Hidayat?
In any case, I really think that its your environment that is NOT conducive to your hijab wearing decision, simple as that. Otherwise one would not have any doubts regarding such a decision. It must be difficult to follow such a thing specially when one is living in a non islamic country having friends who are not inclined towards religion at all, or the least. Not that its easy in a Muslim country these days, but people don't really discourage you much because they KNOW its the right thing to do and most of the times they come up, appreciate it and ask for making dua for them to follow it too.
So, inferring from your invisible sketch of personality, i think you are a confident person and very much capable of following the hijab AND highly eligible for telling its merits to your peer group rather than letting THEM instruct you, their inhibitions about Hijab. Trust me, the more confidence you will show about covering yourself properly, the more it would look good on you. Basically its confidence in a person that stands out, and lack of it shows more obviously.
Also, you are very right in pointing out that somethings just are difficult for some people to follow. And that is why there is more reward for those people with Allah SWT because Allah KNOWS what conflicting thoughts they are going through and yet they stead fast onto Hidayat (guidance). If this one thing is difficult for you, I can name several others things which i constantly need to remind myself of doing, but in the end i Just think maybe Allah likes this small act of mine to let me in jannah (heaven), maybe he rewards me for the enormous effort that i put into convincing myself for something i dont really even FEEL like doing but I do it anyway. I fear Allah's displeasure over any sort of social, mental or emotional pressure. If you cross this step ,you will feel the sweetness of Iman that is very precious to let go.
Fear of Allah is, and should be greater than the opinions of the surrounding people who are not capable of giving you guidance, and neither will they give you any reward (sawab) for going their way.Its just a first step overcoming the mountain of conflict, and with just that small act of patience, Allah will make that act not only easy, but much desirable for you InshAllah.
In the end I would like to quote a hadees which says,
Prophet Muhammad SAWW said, ' Be careful of whom you choose as friends, as a man (easily) practises the deen of his friends.'
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