Is it okay to hit your children?

[Feathers in Hair]

No. I don't feel it's okay to hit your children, any more than I would think it's okay to verbally abuse your children. Whether you think you're doing it out of an act of love or not does not justify doing it.

That said, I've never been a parent, and I know it must be very tempting for even the most non-violent of people to give in to frustration if a child is not behaving. I really would hope that I would simply use the 'time-out' method, but I can't pretend like I would be the perfect parent.

 

[Aqualung]

No. I don't feel it's okay to hit your children, any more than I would think it's okay to verbally abuse your children. Whether you think you're doing it out of an act of love or not does not justify doing it.

That said, I've never been a parent, and I know it must be very tempting for even the most non-violent of people to give in to frustration if a child is not behaving. I really would hope that I would simply use the 'time-out' method, but I can't pretend like I would be the perfect parent.

So do you think it's bad to raise your voice? Because spanking a child for discipline is no different than raising your voice. They're both done to show that you are the authority, and that they should respect you.

 

[Jaymes]

Spanking and raising your voice are two entirely different things. Raising your voice does not violate the child's space in any way... by spanking you take away the child's right to have their body unharmed. Which, as was previously mentioned, wouldn't really matter in a situation where the kid was after a knife or somesuch.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

So do you think it's bad to raise your voice? Because spanking a child for discipline is no different than raising your voice. They're both done to show that you are the authority, and that they should respect you.

Please note that I said 'verbal abuse' and not 'raising your voice'. You can be verbally abusive without ever raising your voice. Also, anyone that feels they have to hit another in order to establish their authority would never get my respect. This is especially true if that 'another' is a child.

I'm not saying what I think is fact. It's simply what I feel. I do feel it strongly, though.

 

[lilithu]

Spanking doesn't have to be violence. I give my son a little swat on his super padded diaper and he knows that's the signal he's done something wrong and daddy's not happy. Eventually, I quit doing this to my daughter because she started laughing at me because my swats were so wimpy.

From what you describe, I wouldn't call that "spanking." It sounds like you're describing a single "swat," with no intention to cause pain, but rather to get the child's attention. Spanking, otoh, is by definition meant as a physical punishment. As such, it generally happens after you already have kid's attention and it entails causing pain.

While some may still question whether it is necessary for you to swat your child to command his attention, I for one will not lose sleep over it, because I highly doubt that he is losing sleep over it.

Regardless, I would still be uneasy with recommending to parents in general that they use a "swat." While someone like you may never cross the line, it's too easy, especially when someone is angry, which is usually the case when a child is misbehaving, for a swat to degenerate into a slap, and for a slap to degenerate into something worse.

.... spanking a child for discipline is no different than raising your voice. They're both done to show that you are the authority, and that they should respect you.

I'm with Feathers on this. With that statement, you've just erased any reservations I might have had on the issue.

I would hope that your child already views you as the authority and respects you due to your providing guidance and good example and discipline (which does not at all necessarily entail violence). If not, the spanking certainly isn't going to do it. Neither hitting nor yelling at someone engenders respect, only fear. It pains me when people confuse the two. There's a word for people who use force in order to intimidate someone smaller/weaker than them into submission. They're called bullies.

 

[Aqualung]

Please note that I said 'verbal abuse' and not 'raising your voice'

Just as there's a difference between raising your voice and verbal abuse, so is there a difference between hitting your kid and physical abuse. It all rests in how it's done, not what is done.

 

[Jaymes]

The only instance I would ever consider spanking or swatting to be acceptable was if the child was in danger or it was used as a warning and didn't really hurt the child, just get their attention. By spanking you send a message that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems... which just isn't so in the real world. I don't think anyone would find it acceptable if in the workplace a boss lightly smacked a worker for doing something incorrectly.

 

[Aqualung]

By spanking you send a message that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems... which just isn't so in the real world.

Do you? Because most of the people I know who were spanked or in other ways physically punished don't think that at all. That's like saying that I think that in any problem, I should tell the person to go sit in their room until they can appologize to me. That doesn't work, either.

I don't think anyone would find it acceptable if in the workplace a boss lightly smacked a worker for doing something incorrectly.

It also woudn't be acceptable to give them timeout. Instead, they'll get refferrals, and the like. Is there anybody here who got little slips of paper about what they did wrong? That just rediculous. No matter which setting, the manner of discipline is going to be different.

 

[Jaymes]

Do you? Because most of the people I know who were spanked or in other ways physically punished don't think that at all.

You've got one right here that thinks so.

That's like saying that I think that in any problem, I should tell the person to go sit in their room until they can appologize to me. That doesn't work, either.

You also wouldn't smack them until they stopped doing it either, would you?

It also woudn't be acceptable to give them timeout. Instead, they'll get refferrals, and the like. Is there anybody here who got little slips of paper about what they did wrong? That just rediculous. No matter which setting, the manner of discipline is going to be different.

But I think we can agree that violence isn't acceptable form of discipline in any setting.

 

[Solon]

No. No a thousand times over. Hitting teaches nothing except that violence is acceptable--after all, mommy and daddy do it.

EDIT: I think the 'as long as you do it lovingly' thing doesn't count for much. My father could have easily said that he 'lovingly' hit me on the head until I collapsed when things got physical.

totally agree, no violence against children, there are better ways, I think dialogue works and just being firm. I'm against all violence, and teaching kids that it is acceptable by hitting them, only means that those kids will grow up and most likely do the same to their kids, thus perpetuating violent conduct.

Chidren need peace and love, that's all.

Solon

 

[michel]

totally agree, no violence against children, there are better ways, I think dialogue works and just being firm. I'm against all violence, and teaching kids that it is acceptable by hitting them, only means that those kids will grow up and most likely do the same to their kids, thus perpetuating violent conduct.

Chidren need peace and love, that's all.

Solon

I wonder if you are a parent ?

I agree about not physically or verbally abusing Children; ignore bad behaviour; if the child doesn't get a result he/she will stop.

But for goodness sake, don't forget to praise either; there is a great tendency to find fault, but never to reward; and I don't mean by rewarding them with sweets or anything absurd like that.

Having said, every child reacts totally different from any other to the same 'input'. Much of how to bring them up is a case of trial and error.

 

[Draka]

With my daughter I found that just speaking to her was enough. From VERY young I talked to her as I would an adult...even as a baby. I NEVER baby-talked her or talked down to her. By speaking to her as I do an adult, not only has her vocabulary grown to beyond her years, but she treats adults with the same respect they show her. If she was doing something wrong that could hurt her I merely told her not to do it and why. If she persisted and did get hurt (ie: jumping off her bed or chair or whatnot, or climbing on the furniture), as long as she wasn't really hurt (more her ego) I would just look at her calmly and say "What did Mommy say?" She would respond with what I told her would happen and say she should have listened to me...action stopped.

I also followed through on consequences...if she didn't do what she was told to do (clean room) and I stepped on or tripped on her toys then I would take them away and sometimes throw them away...that was enough to make her clean up her room.

As for tantrums when little...I got tired of them once and threw myself down on the floor next to her and mimiced every cry and pound of the floor. She eventually stopped and stared at me and I merely looked at her and said "Mommy looks really stupid huh?" She nodded her head and I said "That is how you look." She got up, wiped her face, stopped crying, and walked to her room. Tantrums stopped.

There are other ways than hitting to discipline a child.

 

[Aqualung]

There are other ways than hitting to discipline a child.

You had a child who would respond to that. Some people don't.

 

[Aqualung]

As for tantrums when little...I got tired of them once and threw myself down on the floor next to her and mimiced every cry and pound of the floor. She eventually stopped and stared at me and I merely looked at her and said "Mommy looks really stupid huh?" She nodded her head and I said "That is how you look." She got up, wiped her face, stopped crying, and walked to her room. Tantrums stopped.

Wow! I definiltey would have cried even harder if my mom had said I looked stupid. ONce again, a good proof that some kids need different methods of discipline

 

[Draka]

Wow! I definiltey would have cried even harder if my mom had said I looked stupid. ONce again, a good proof that some kids need different methods of discipline

For explanation I did not say that I called her stupid...I said Mommy looks stupid and she agreed...I told her that is how she looked (my actions) when doing that...she figured it out on her own that she looked ridiculous when she threw tantrums and stopped them. I worked with her intelligence and reasoning skills on that one. Kids do have those you know.

 

[Darkdale]

I still don't see anything wrong with spankings. I understand pacifists don't want to use it as a form of punishment; but not everyone views physical confrontation as wrong. Sometimes it can be productive. Life can be violent and there is nothing wrong with using minimal violence to teach someone a lesson. The key is, to be compassionate.

The goal isn't to cause the children pain, but to teach the children discipline. There is nothing more criminally negligent, in my opinion, than a parent that doesn't teach their children self-discipline, basically crippling the child for life.

 

[Aqualung]

For explanation I did not say that I called her stupid...I said Mommy looks stupid and she agreed...I told her that is how she looked (my actions) when doing that...she figured it out on her own that she looked ridiculous when she threw tantrums and stopped them. I worked with her intelligence and reasoning skills on that one. Kids do have those you know.

i know what you said. And I said that if my mom had ever done that to me, I would have cried even harder, and used that to show that different kids need different discliplines.

 

[Aqualung]

I still don't see anything wrong with spankings. I understand pacifists don't want to use it as a form of punishment; but not everyone views physical confrontation as wrong. Sometimes it can be productive. Life can be violent and there is nothing wrong with using minimal violence to teach someone a lesson. The key is, to be compassionate.

The goal isn't to cause the children pain, but to teach the children discipline. There is nothing more criminally negligent, in my opinion, than a parent that doesn't teach their children self-discipline, basically crippling the child for life.

Well said. :clap

 

[Draka]

i know what you said. And I said that if my mom had ever done that to me, I would have cried even harder, and used that to show that different kids need different discliplines.

Wow. You can remember what you would have done to a specific situation at the age of 2 years old? I find that pretty unbelievable. Maybe I should have been more specific...SHE WAS 2.

Education, I believe is a main consideration here as well though. I said before that I always talked to her as an adult...even at that age. I also started teaching her about that age too. I had her in 2nd grade workbooks before she was in kindergarten. She was playing chess (better than me) at the age of 4. By concentrating on her schooling, education, and reasoning skills from a young age it was very easy to reason with her and get her to respond to mere words alone.

 

[Aqualung]

Wow. You can remember what you would have done to a specific situation at the age of 2 years old? I find that pretty unbelievable. Maybe I should have been more specific...SHE WAS 2.

Unbeleivable or not, it's the truth

Education, I believe is a main consideration here as well though. I said before that I always talked to her as an adult...even at that age. I also started teaching her about that age too. I had her in 2nd grade workbooks before she was in kindergarten. She was playing chess (better than me) at the age of 4. By concentrating on her schooling, education, and reasoning skills from a young age it was very easy to reason with her and get her to respond to mere words alone.

Wow. you're daughter seems smart. (seriously) But I think that she would have been just as smart regardless of which form your discipline was, as long as you implemented it in the same manner (i. e. telling her what she did wrong, and why she was being punished, and all that)