Dating ,romance and sexism and men journal

[Riders]

However you might think it's odd that I fight so much on the side of there's no proof for the Christian religion:

and then to say it's possible I might be interested in Christianity in the future.

But I don't base my religious choices on science or historical proof. If I feel my higher power is going to lead me in a certain direction I'll go that direction.

But right now I'm just happy with praying to the Jewish Muslim one God.

So I'm not worried about what religious view I might take in the future.

I like Catholic type culture and some of the churches that are Catholic and some that are not.

For instance taking communion every Sunday that's good.

The music is a big issue for me.
Mesquite and Garland Texas seems to be full of churches that fall under the Baptist denomination:

any of the Baptists Southern or regular hard shell whatever, also community churches and Bible churches and non-denominational churches:

they all have or a lot of them have praise and worship services or contemporary Christian music services.

It reminds me too much of my old Pentecostal days and I just don't appreciate that type of worship anymore.

I think some people who belong to those churches out here are guilty of kind of thinking that their Church's service is the way everybody should do it my way or the highway type of thinking.

So I don't have a lot of appreciation for those churches.

I heard the music from a Lutheran Church the other day it's very traditional sounds a little bit classical . I like that style. I like peaceful quiet respectful services.

I'm not interested in joining the Catholic Church though. I like their style of worship but there are several things that I could say about that which I won't go into here.

But the style of churches that I usually like that are kind of my thing is like the Lutheran the Episcopalians Anglo Catholic
Orthodox Methodist etc.

I didn't like enough of that talk I'm a. part of internet group that meets once a week for my zen Buddhist group. I just started taking people back for the face to face meetings.

I hope that someday I can go back and visit the face-to-face meetings eventually we'll see how it works.

 

[Riders]

Well back to talking about food. When I was growing a lot of the food my Mom made us was the junky type of food: Some were cheap because she had a house with 4 girls and 2 adults to feed.

But we never knew we were lower middle class and we didn't have a lot. I always liked the food my Mom made.

Fried spam, she took the can out and sliced it into 12 pieces so we would get 2 pieces apiece. Mashed potatoes on the side and some canned vegetables I hated and would hide under my plate.

Another thing she use to make that I liked, was salmon crockets. She made it with lard or bacon fat or oil and deep-fried it. She used canned salmon and dipped it in cornmeal and egg for the batter. It was yummy.

But it was very fattening. My sister knows how to make a healthier version of it I want to try her version someday.

Another thing she made that I loved and could do a healthy version of was her homemade pot of pinto beans, the kind that comes out of a bag, not a can.


She taught me to pick the black beans and the rocks out of the beans and put 3 cups of it in a big pan fill it up with water let it cook down.

She put a block of hog fat in it which made it good. But if I take the fat out it's still good and vegetarian, and it's better if I put it on top of home made corn bread yum!

 

[Riders]

Notice I did not talk about my overeating when I spoke about my past. I am in recovery from it with OA but only have one day of abstinence. But I was off it the past 3 days but stayed on it 4 days before that.

I am committing to staying abstinent for the rest of the week.

No, I am not going to Christmas. It is supposed to be down to 32 Saturday which is when my sister has her party at the house. If I have to walk from here to the house it will just be way too cold.

I also have allergies right now, my ears are starting to hurt again. So I don't want to give it to the new baby, Samuel my new Grand Nephew.

I'm gonna try to be out of here for a walk down the sidewalk before my birthday. I hope I have visitors.

I don't know where my weight is, but I hope it's not above 300. I started out at 330 I may have 30 pounds of weight loss so I am ok with my results from going to OA.


I am going to buy some arts and crafts to help keep me busy. I use to do them at the psych wards. So I am getting a beginner's needlepoint kit for adults. I use to do needlepoint when I was young.

So maybe I can post them on Facebook in the future.I am sleepy, I will write more later.

 

[Riders]

Merry Christmas to everyone. Happy holidays to Non-Christians.
Well, I'm sick again my ears hurt my throat hurts.

I'm supposed to get the results back from a blood test on Wednesday from my doctor anyway.

I hope my A1C is not high.
He may try to change my diet and be stricter than I am.
I have lost another 6 lbs I'm down to 296.
Yay me.
But I've just been eating three small meals a day but I still eat the high fat and the white bread.

So I still eat junk but it's just on a small level. I've decided to change my mind about working.
I just don't like having the stress on me at home.
When I was working outside of the house I was having a lot more fun so that was different. But working from home is just no fun.

I used to do arts and crafts and art therapy in the psychiatric wards. I learned how to do needlepoint when I was younger.
So I'm getting a beginner adult kit from Amazon.

And I've got a couple of YouTube videos for it.
That'll give me something constructive to do everyday and keep me busy.

I went to a different meeting last night.
I went to a depression bipolar support group. It was pretty good there was one other guy who had bad experiences in psych wards too and so we both talked about it a little bit not a lot.

But they seem like a pretty cool crowd and they believe in keeping busy every day and being on a schedule so. I'm going to try to get my days and nights lined up better.

We'll see how it goes maybe eventually I can go to the ones that are in person in Dallas.
Merry Christmas Happy New Year.

 

[Riders]

Anyway, I got to share at the Depression Bipolar about how my bipolar affected my jobs in the past. They have like 12 suggestions for a lifestyle that mentally ill people should follow. But I don't have to.

It's also for Schizophrenic patients. Some of the suggestions are eating healthy and exercising every day, They also wake up and go to bed at the same time every day and have a routine. I can not remember the rest.

I am ordering some needlepoint beginners needlepoint and maybe coloring books so I can do some arts and crafts to keep me busy since I am not working now. They thought it was a good idea.

 

[Riders]

Well, I finally got the Dr.to call about my blood test results. He speaks with a strong accent so I don't always understand him.

He said my blood sugar is good but they did not give him the A1C number so he is sending someone out to come to get it again.

My cholesterol is borderline high. He wants me to take fish oil pills from over the counter for it.

He wants me to take a baby aspirin every day. Unfortunately, I have low iron. He says I need to eat lots of vegetables like spinach. He wants me to take iron tablets from over the counter.

I asked if I could take a multivitamin instead and he says no it has to be iron tablets. My sister says it may stop me up so I will have to drink a bunch of water with it. It's good that my blood sugar was good.

The only change in my diet is I need a lot more vegetables and fruits.

 

[Riders]

I am exhausted. I stayed up two nights in a row with restless leg syndrome. I don't know if that's what it is.
.
But in my new mental illness group they say they also have TM as a topic. TM is a disorder that he can get from taking psych meds that causes you to have involuntary muscle movement.

I am going to ask some questions about it this week.
I also ordered some more CBD capsules. It's the only thing that seems to help me with my legs problem.

Well I'm doing my program tonight this is my journaling part of the way. In overeaters Anonymous they have tools. One is journaling. Also those reading literature like the big book of AA. Also meditating and or praying plus calling people on the phone and going to meetings.

I don't always get all those tools and I'm just having to do the best I can. I'm about to go to bed night night.

 

[Riders]

I had panic attacks today afraid and shaken up. It is in art due to the fact that I stayed up all night after 3 am because of my legs again. After my sister gets back hopefully she will bring me my CBD.

I did get on the internet and watched George Harrison talk about life. I like his spiritual talk regardless of whether it's Hare Krishna or not.
I am going to chant maybe HAre Krishna, Hindu beliefs bring peace. But I don't have to join the temple to do it at home. Might read some of the Baghavad Gita too.

I am still enjoying my mental health group it's different. I need to get names and numbers there sometime.

 

[Riders]

Yes, I had bad anxiety yesterday. But I got rid of it by watching George Harrison talk about life on youtube, listening to some Hindu music, and listening to some talk about the Hare Krishnas. Thank God for our Hindus and Hare Krishnas.

But I can study it at home and practice Zen at Home. Eventually, I will be able to attend church, but I am not sure about the Zen Buddhist Temple, and if I want to add some Hindu to my beliefs I will do it at home.

I don't think my sister would agree to me going to the Hare Krishna Temple as beautiful as it is - Kalachandjis. I am too fat and undisciplined to go anyways.

I did stay n my food plan today finally and got up and walked 3 minutes. I am going for 6 minutes tomorrow. Next week I would like to walk 1-minute without my walker so I can start getting use to walking around without it and get up out of this apartment and start going places.

 

[Riders]

A girl on YouTube who left the Hare Krishna's says she got involved with the Hare Krishna's through Bhakti Yoga class. Apparently that type of yoga is associated connected with The Hare Krishna's something I didn't know.

Anyways I wish I could eat vegetarian like they do.
It's not hard to eat vegetarian especially if you include eggs.

To me I could eat a baked potato with butter sour cream and cheese and that's a whole meal.
I cannot do it myself because I have to eat high protein because of my wound.

FYI on my wound it went away completely enclosed up but this week it opened up a little bit again
I hope it closes back up pretty soon.

I have not gotten my A1C number yet from my doctor I'm going to check on it Monday.
I'm on my food plan today.

I bought six sandwiches for lunch every day this next week from Subway.

I got six turkey and low-fat ham sandwiches on whole wheat.

I put green peppers and onions on them so I can get my vegetables in.

I should be able to eat between 1,000 calories and 1300 calories a day this week.
I did about 1200 today.

I want to start back walking tomorrow too.
I'll keep a log of everything I do here and see how much weight I can take off in the next week or two.

 

[Riders]

More from George Harrison

 

[Riders]

So here comes some random thoughts that don't really mean much but I'm going to put them down.

So I've watched this video from 2015 on Dr. Phil's show 10 times and I still can't believe it.

A woman got scammed for $218,000, from a con artist on a dating website. This was back in 2015 and her name was Kay I don't know if y'all saw it.

It was just shocking how much money she got taken from her and then became bankrupt over the scam and had to move in with a friend who takes care of her now.

She has no more sport now and says he would do it again. When Dr. Phil investigated him and found out all of these phony places where he had given his addresses and the fact that he had never sent her a picture:

He never had talked to her, I mean he took her for all this money and she's never even spoken to him.

But she said at one point that she didn't want the money even though she was bankrupt and that she was not happy when she had the money.

She said she didn't care about her money. She said she was happier without it. At one point she said she didn't want to know the truth.

After Dr. Phil exposed her con artist she said she believed them but she didn't want to hear the truth or know the truth and that she was better off than before.

Dr. Phil said that if you're living in a lie that it's not healthy. She replied that she was happier living a lie.

I mean she lost her Fortune of 218,000 to this man and now she's living off of one of her friends. What does it take for somebody like that to wake up?

I could think of 10 things to do with that money that she did not do with it. If she's not happy with the money why not give it to a good cause: Goodwill SPCA .

Red Cross, a church. For that matter why can't she give that money to her grandchildren and their kids to keep?

If she had given him half that money and just saved half and maybe invested it like in something like gold or a business of some kind:
Then she'd have that money and at least it would be invested somewhere growing.

I can't believe somebody would say that they were better off when they were being conned and scammed than when they heard the truth.

Her stepdaughter was there and she was very upset that she had spent all of her husband's money on a scam artist.
She was really just looking out for her but she was hating on her.

If that were my stepmother: I would try to go to court and have her put in a psychiatric ward. To me, it seemed self-destructive.

I certainly would try to go to the courts and have them make me the person who takes care of her money. Oh I forget what they call it but the person who would be responsible for her and her money.

My sisters could do that for me but I don't have to have them do it. But they do have access to my bank account so they can look in there anytime. If they wanted me to give them that much power, the power of attorney, that's what I'm thinking of, then I would do it.
If I needed to give the power attorney to them I would and then they could check my finances and make sure I didn't make any mistakes.

That was in 2015 she was 71 back then.
I wonder if she's still alive if so I hope she's doing better.

 

[Riders]

I walked two sets of 3 minutes today. Tomorrow I'm going to try to add a one-minute walk without my walker.

That is my biggest goal is to be able to walk around again without my walker.
Then I can start going out again and having some kind of life.

I doubt that I'll be able to work again but I'd like to do something for my social life.

For instance, maybe go out with a singles group. There are a few of them in Dallas.

Going to that refund that I went to years ago they're nice people.

Going to an oa meeting. I might get involved in a game group that plays board games or maybe even RPGs.

We'll see. Luckily I live in Dallas Texas it's big enough that there's stuff going on out here a lot.

I've started watching drugs Inc too and it's very interesting. Some of those people claim that there's nowhere to work in their town and so they start selling drugs.

At least Mesquite and Dallas don't fall into that category thank goodness.

The social economic issues in each town are very interesting.

Anyways I'm going to watch Rocky 1 tonight to get some inspiration.

 

[Riders]

So I am not feeling well tonight and I did not exercise today but I did keep my calories down. I will weigh Thursday on my 56th birthday.I am going to bed early tonight talk to to yall tomorrow.

 

[Riders]

Well I was sick as a dog on Thursday and Friday with vomiting and diarrhea. I guess it was a stomach virus. I over ate yesterday in part because I was hungry I didn't eat hardly anything Thursday and Friday.
The program of OA and any of the 12 steps groups so you should be aware of halt.
Help stands for hungry angry lonely tired. When we have a tremendous amount of one of those put on you it's really easy to go back into your addiction.

But I got back on my food plan today. I walked 6 minutes today so I'm back into my walking. I'm going to try for 9 plus 1 minute of not walking with my Walker tomorrow. That's my main goal was to get off this block or so I can start going places.

I understand that my sister does not really want me to work in part cuz she's afraid that I lose my social security. I understand that maybe it's smarter not to work right now but I get bored . So there are places I'd like to be able to go to.

I'd like to go to church, that Lutheran Church I went to a long time ago they're pretty nice and they still have the same pastor and they are glbt friendly.

I think I'd like to make it 1008 meeting once in awhile. I'd really like to go to some of the meetings that are face to face for that new mental health group I've been going to for depression and bipolar and other mental illnesses.
I'd like to see if there are any single men there.
I'd also like to attend our libertarian Meetup which meets at this bar where my guy friend Robert used to play keyboards at. He's the one that I dated for two and a half years he was polyamorous.

Anyways it was a good bar but I don't intend on drinking. Last time I went they started out early like at 5:00 p.m. when nobody was there. And a couple of hours later they said they were going to start playing drinking games like quarters.

So I left early I don't want to get into the drinking thing. It's not just because my mom was an alcoholic. I mean I know she was and I could very well be too but I also have high blood sugar and when it shoots my blood sugar high like that it makes me gain weight.

There were a couple of people in AA who tried to convince me I was an alcoholic after I dated Robert because I used to binge drink with him on the weekends.

But I quit on my own. If I go to a libertarian Meetup I'll have to leave early and just go for the politics. But there were a couple people at AA who were saying you know if you quit drinking on your own and you're scared of being an alcoholic therefore you don't drink doesn't that mean you're an alcoholic.

It's like I'm not going to go to AA because I might be an alcoholic if I drink I'm not drinking so there's no point in that I don't need help not drinking because I don't drink.

I just have to be careful with the people who might go out with.

Anyways tomorrow I'm going to try to add one minute of walking without my Walker so I can start getting used to that. When I can walk without my marker I'll be able to start getting out of this apartment and doing stuff.
I'd like to meet some men not through the internet not through a dating website.

 

[Riders]

Last week I had lost all the way down to 290 6 lbs.
I think I put some on weight back on this week. I had a rough night last night with restless leg syndrome it was bad.

However when I went to buy the CBD this month the one with the sleep aid they had run out of it and gave me my money back.

So I bought one without sleeping in it and I think that's why it didn't work last night.

So I'm going to have to get to come to sleep babe in it next month and hopefully it'll work better.

 

[Riders]

I had anxiety again today. This time I got better by going to my zoom meeting for mentally ill people it's a pretty good meeting.

I get insomnia sometimes just from anxiety where I just don't want to go to sleep.

I think I put 8 lb back on this week while I don't really know how much but I've eaten too much.

I'm going to try to get out tomorrow and go walking on the sidewalk to see how far away my sister's house is from here.
That would go a long way in me trying to get out of this apartment.

I got to get back up and start walking longer distances too.

 

[Riders]

Well I tried to get back on my food plan today but I ended up getting off at again. So my weight's been up the creek. However I did walk 3 minutes with my marker and about 30 seconds without it.

I can only go a few steps walking on my own but it's a start.

The more I get used to walking without my marker the easier it'll get in time.

Well I've got sore throat congestion earache but I don't think it's bad enough to go to the doctors yet but if it gets any worse this week I might do a home-based doctor's appointment.

I tried putting up another ad in Craigslist for somebody to chat with.
I offered to give free advice on love and romance. But as luck would have it it was just all a bunch of men who probably are looking for the wrong thing.

There's not much I can do with Craigslist.
I'm just going to try to get back into my chat rooms this week and stay there or it's safe.

 

[Riders]

So a couple of people are putting up David Bowie vids in my chat room. I am sure he didn't die because he died a couple of years ago. But it sounds good to me, love bowie!

Queen and Bowie ya baby!

 

[Riders]

Did I report my A1C level when it came out? I don't think so. It was six point something. The doctor says that it's borderline diabetes which isn't bad so I don't have to really make a bunch of changes to my diet.

However I still am on metformin I'd like to get off of it sometime in my life. So I still have plans on switching out to all whole weeks instead of white bread pretty soon.

Well I walked two sets of 3 minutes plus about 40 seconds of walking without the Walker.
I'm still wobbly shaky on My feet without the Walker. I'm going to have to get used to it and practice a lot more.

I want to get out of this apartment and do some things this year. I want to go to church, go to the libertarian Meetup and possibly a gaming Meetup so I can meet friends.

Who knows maybe I can get a boyfriend.
I think my sister still wants to get me married off but I'm getting old I just want a playmate. I want a friendship with a guy who will go out and have fun with me but we'll see.