Boyfriend up late on the phone with another girl?

[Metalic Wings]

WEll, to start I was going to title this "I'm Proud of Myself"

But I figured that my ego would keep some readers away.

So I guess here's the situation:

My boyfriend recently started talking with this girl online. I could tell that he "liked" her (as a crush, sort of thing) which really bothered me. I could go on about how I technically broke up with him so he could date other girls and within a few hours the two of them were acting all lovey-dovey, but I'll only do that upon request.

Long story short, he's talking with her (I assume) right now. Like, this instant. ON THE PHONE. So he can talk withher "in person" and try to sort everything out.

And really, around 12AM I had set my mind up that at 1AM I would call him up and make sure he was off. But right before I did I got to thinking.

"Maybe I should just trust him. I told him to call me up when he was done, but he's been up since 5AM yesterday morning to get to work and then he watched our son while I went to work and then waited up to talk with this girl so he could sort out all of this confusion and figure out how he really feels about all of it. What if he's already asleep? I would wake him up. What if they're still on the phone? As upset as I would be that they're still talking, he would be mad at me for interrupting and would probably be disappointed that I felt the need to do that."

SO I decided not to. It's not like I won't talk with him tomorrow (or later today,I guess I should say).

But any thoughts? Is this a considerate choice or should I be more adament?

 

[Humanistheart]

WEll, to start I was going to title this "I'm Proud of Myself"

But I figured that my ego would keep some readers away.

So I guess here's the situation:

My boyfriend recently started talking with this girl online. I could tell that he "liked" her (as a crush, sort of thing) which really bothered me. I could go on about how I technically broke up with him so he could date other girls and within a few hours the two of them were acting all lovey-dovey, but I'll only do that upon request.

Long story short, he's talking with her (I assume) right now. Like, this instant. ON THE PHONE. So he can talk withher "in person" and try to sort everything out.

And really, around 12AM I had set my mind up that at 1AM I would call him up and make sure he was off. But right before I did I got to thinking.

"Maybe I should just trust him. I told him to call me up when he was done, but he's been up since 5AM yesterday morning to get to work and then he watched our son while I went to work and then waited up to talk with this girl so he could sort out all of this confusion and figure out how he really feels about all of it. What if he's already asleep? I would wake him up. What if they're still on the phone? As upset as I would be that they're still talking, he would be mad at me for interrupting and would probably be disappointed that I felt the need to do that."

SO I decided not to. It's not like I won't talk with him tomorrow (or later today,I guess I should say).

But any thoughts? Is this a considerate choice or should I be more adament?

What do you mean by, sort everything out?

 

[Metalic Wings]

What do you mean by, sort everything out?

ALright. He's been telling me that he does love me and that he wants to be with me. But really, I'm his first girlfriend. And he's eighteen. Obviously he's going to be curious about how other relationships would play out. Because of this, both of us feel that if he really isn't sure, then he should date other people so that we don't make a mistake for our ten-month-old son by getting married.

But he wants to talk with her in person and tell her all of this. So, by sorting out, I guess what I'm really trying to say is I have strong reason to believe that tomorrow we're going to talk about it and try to be a couple again, but there is still the small chance that (by magically hearing her voice--you know, so effective) he might decide he really would like to try having a relationship with her.

I know this sounds really immature. And truthfully, as teenagers, it's hard to keep the drama out of things

But I can't tell you how many countless times we've talked with all different kinds of people (parents, cousilors, married couples, teachers/professors, etc.) about how we feel and our situation. We want to be together (or, at least, I know I do and I have strong faith that he wants to be together as well).

 

[Sunstone]

I don't have any advice, other than "try as much as possible to avoid drama." Just sorry to see you in such a tough situation.

 

[Metalic Wings]

I don't have any advice, other than "try as much as possible to avoid drama." Just sorry to see you in such a tough situation.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

 

[Morse]

Whatever you do, just don't do something totally bizarre like make a fake profile on a site he frequents, pretend to be another woman, and try to get him to fall for you. Only to rip the mask off right when he admits he has a crush on you, again.

 

[zenzero]

Friend MW,

Life is the biggest Learning Curve of every individual.
Just go about it consciously and you will be able to see things as they are.
Emotions besides other aspects always cloud our minds to see things clearly; is what one has to watch for.
Best Wishes in life!

Love & rgds

 

[katiafish]

how would he feel if you were talking on the phone with another guy? Remember, from your perspective, the most important person in this situation is You! Do what feels right to you..

 

[Metalic Wings]

how would he feel if you were talking on the phone with another guy? Remember, from your perspective, the most important person in this situation is You! Do what feels right to you..

Thanks! And he's told me "I would be very jealous if you were doing the same thing. I know I'm being hypocritical, but I still want to be friends with her."

I had a nightmare right before I woke up this morning that he told me they had been up until 4:30AM

Yeah. They actually spent SIX FRICKEN HOURS ON THE PHONE. From 11PM until 5AM. When I heard that I pretty much flipped. He told me that he knew he probably wouldn't get the chance to talk with her on the phone again and so it wasn't a big deal.

So much for just telling her that he wants to try to make it work for me "but wasn't able to just do it online."

I dunno, it's just a difficult thing to judge. I understand that she's a neat girl. I've actually talked with her some and she's nice. I would even want to be friends with her. And part of me understands what he's saying.

But really? REALLY? Staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking for six hours and joking around and getting to know one another? That sounds very much like a "new couple" kind of thing to do. I mean, that's what WE did when WE were first going out. If they want to be friends, they can be friends ONLINE, I say.

Really, I'm puttnig this up becaus I want other's opinions. It's not like I'm going to go telling my mom about it (because i don't need her telling me to break up with him). I understand if people don't want to give any definite advice--I don't expect you to. I really just want to see how others might react.

And I do talk with a professional when I have problems. I'm going to be seeing her soon and I want to get her opinion.

 

[Storm]

OK, so he's only 18. May I ask how old you are?

Anyway, it sounds to me like he doesn't know what the hell he wants. If it were me, I'd cut him loose till he made up his mind.

 

[Metalic Wings]

OK, so he's only 18. May I ask how old you are?

Anyway, it sounds to me like he doesn't know what the hell he wants. If it were me, I'd cut him loose till he made up his mind.

I'm eighteen as well. And to be honest, I'm really quite considering it. But it's not an easy choice. I don't say lightly "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." how could I? I've never once waivered in that conviction, and it's just saddening that he would (I mean, maybe if it had been earlier on it wouldn't have been so bad. But after all of this he magically realizes that he's a teen? I"m sorry to all you guys out there, but i have to say it: Sometimes boys just SUCK.)

For close to three years now I've held true to that idea. I love him. I want to be with him. I want things to work. We have a son. We support each other. We can make each other laugh or comfort each other when we're upset. And most importantly, he IS my best friend.

Like I said, I'll be talking with someone this week. Hopefully I'll be able to make a good decision.

 

[Kathryn]

I am with Storm on this one.

The two of you have a child together. Apparently you're both young. This is a heavy load for a relationship to carry. Seems he's not ready to pick up that full load right now.

That may not be fair, may not be "right," but it's understandable. However, it's also dissappointing, I'm sure.

He may still be able to be a good dad, without being your boyfriend. My advice is to give him all the rope he wants. You're not married, you're both young. Let things evolve - and accept the possibility of evolving in two different directions.

Just be sure you put your child FIRST. This doesn't mean that you "stay together" for the child. This means that you put the best interests of the child first. It may be in the child's best interest for the father to grow up before he makes lifelong commitments.

Meanwhile, whatever you do, don't act desperate or clingy. Keep your dignity. And RUN to the bookstore and buy the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." I have a feeling you are about to have to really focus on establishing parameters and boundaries in this relationship.

 

[Storm]

I'm eighteen as well. And to be honest, I'm really quite considering it. But it's not an easy choice. I don't say lightly "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." how could I? I've never once waivered in that conviction, and it's just saddening that he would (I mean, maybe if it had been earlier on it wouldn't have been so bad. But after all of this he magically realizes that he's a teen? I"m sorry to all you guys out there, but i have to say it: Sometimes boys just SUCK.)

Yes, they do. But (take it from the bi chick), so do girls.

For close to three years now I've held true to that idea. I love him. I want to be with him. I want things to work. We have a son. We support each other. We can make each other laugh or comfort each other when we're upset. And most importantly, he IS my best friend.

Ouch. I didn't know you had a son. That complicates things.

Like I said, I'll be talking with someone this week. Hopefully I'll be able to make a good decision.

I hope it helps.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that we very rarely find our lifelong mate as teens. You're both going to change so much, so fast, that you may find yourselves completely incompatible. Which wouldn't be so bad if you weren't forever joined by a child.

I'm guessing that he's just too young to settle down. Maybe he does want it to be you, but he's just not ready.

Your situation just sucks all 'round. I'm sorry. :kissbette

 

[Metalic Wings]

Just be sure you put your child FIRST. This doesn't mean that you "stay together" for the child. This means that you put the best interests of the child first. It may be in the child's best interest for the father to grow up before he makes lifelong commitments.

This has been our goal all along. We both understand that "not being together" might in the end be the better thing for our son. Our biggest concern is his well-being and happiness.

I have a feeling you are about to have to really focus on establishing parameters and boundaries in this relationship.

I was thinking the same thing...

 

[Metalic Wings]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that we very rarely find our lifelong mate as teens.

Yeah. We knew this from the start as well. I guess we just weren't expecting how difficult it really would be. And we already have changed a lot. Both of us. I was so proud of us--he went from wanting to be a catholic priest to not wanting anything to do with the religion at all. We became parents. .... No matter which way you look at it, were at a brick wall.

I'm guessing that he's just too young to settle down. Maybe he does want it to be you, but he's just not ready.

Your situation just sucks all 'round. I'm sorry. :kissbette

That could very well be. I really hope and feel that may be the case, but it doesn't make things all that much easier. But thank you again, I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

 

[Kathryn]

When my daughter was 19, she had a relationship with a guy who was about a year younger than her. She got pregnant. Immediately, all parties concerned, including the extended families, knew that these two very young people should not get married.

It became apparent pretty quickly that this experience, though shared on some levels, was going to affect each of the parents quite differently.

My daughter matured very quickly. Abortion never entered her mind. She decided by about the fifth month that she was going to keep the baby rather than give her up for adoption. To the guy's credit, he supported her decision. He has paid regular child support now for the past 7 years. He is a part of my granddaughter's life, and his family is very involved in her life as well.

While my daughter was pregnant, she met a guy who, unknown to her, was very impressed by her maturity and her commitment to her child. As she got her life together - work, an apartment, doing a great job as a mother - he became interested in her romantically.

The thing that is so great about their relationship is that he LIKED her before he LOVED her. For pete's sake, he met her when she was 8 months pregnant with another man's baby. Not the most auspicious beginning to a relationship!

When she had the baby, he fell in love with the baby first - then the mother.

They have been married for 5 years now, and he's a great father to Maggie, and a terrific husband to my daughter. They have had two children together, and adopted a little boy! They now are raising 4 precious kids, very close together in age, and they love being parents together. They're doing a great job - unconventional, and not really a route I would have envisioned - but I can't argue with success.

When they adopted their son, they had to go through a TON of screening. They really impressed the agency they were working with.

Just goes to show you - your worst "mistakes" can be your saving grace.

 

[katiafish]

i am on my second marriage, the first one i walked out of in slippers in the middle of the night.. Part of it was i couldnt take being the "understanding one" anymore.. It always had to be me.. "Of course darling, i understand, you were so drunk when you had sex with that girl you didnt know what you were doing.. Of course darling, i understand, you need to study, so i am going to stop my study and get a second job... Of course darling, i understand we cant afford a holiday together, why dont you go on your own, you need a break.." Even though it does help you develop as a person, you will get fed up sooner or later.. Understanding has to be on both sides equally, so ask yourself, what is it that you want in this relationship, put it forward and see if he is prepared to be just as understanding of your wishes as you are of his.

And as an ex single mother, there is another thing, what child needs is a happy mother, because it is mother who is the closest to a child in majority of cases. So if you in a situation that is making you unhappy, no amount of comfort or toys or any other paraphenalia is going to replace the happy relationship between you and your son...

Sorry for being so direct and i know situations can be different, just looking at it from my personal experience.

 

[enchanted_one1975]

I hope this doesn't sound insulting, but you mentioned "our son." You need to put your son first and make your relationship work. He has to control his urges unless you decide to have a poly relationship. If so, are you prepared to explain this relationship to your son? My dad left when I was 2. I have no memory of an adult male as a regular part of my upbringing. I would have given anything for a complete family. When you made a baby you committed to involving that baby with every decision you make for the next 18 years. Please, for your son's sake, make it work and do things right. If you guys want to take turns having play night or something that's fine but you need to have fun too or it will just tear you up over time.

 

[Kathryn]

I think it's more important for the child to have two happy parents, even if it's separately, than two miserable parents together.

I know that ideally the two parents of a child should stay together in a healthy, balanced relationship - and that takes a lot of work. Sounds like as thing stand right now, only one partner is willing to work hard for a healthy relationship. This is a deal killer. One can't carry the load for everyone - she will just end up making more and more elaborate excuses for bad behavior. NO DEAL.

But NO father is better than a bad father. My kids can tell you that much. One of the best things to happen to my kids was their dad walking out of their lives. It's a shame it came to that, but some people are too toxic for human consumption, especially for little humans.

If these two people were in their twenties, I would say do your best to work it out. But two teenagers? That's not the time in life to choose a mate wisely.

My advice is for the mother to make and enforce a healthy, wholesome, mature standard for the relationship - for the FAMILY. If the dad mans up and lives by that standard, then that's great.

But do not COMPROMISE a solid value system just for the sake of "staying together for the child." There should be parameters in any relationship. If the father is determined to carry on inappropriate relationships with other women, I would say he's stepped outside the parameters of a monogamous relationship. He can still be a dad, but he isn't being a loyal boyfriend - which doesn't bode well for the prospect of a long life together.

 

[dawny0826]

I think above all, your son should come first and like others have said, whether you and your boyfriend stay together isn't as much of an issue as ensuring your son's security and happiness.

I believe in honesty and I think it's usually the most mature "ticket" when handling situations. If I were you I'd speak honestly with your boyfriend about your feelings on his decisions and remain honest. I would expect the same from him, even if the truth doesn't paint a pretty picture of the future of your relationship.

If you're truly best friends, surely you can make good decisions regarding your relationship that benefit everyone in the picture, especially your son. He deserves stability and happiness, whether you're together or apart.

I sincerely wish you the best.