Abused Men

[Buttercup]

Today Jason Kidd, an noted NBA player with the New Jersey Nets, filed for divorce from his wife claiming, "extreme cruelty".......

"In the dissolution papers, filed in state Superior Court in Bergen County, Kidd accuses Joumana Kidd of physically and mentally abusing him, threatening to make false domestic violence complaints against him to police, and of interfering with his relationship with his children. The defendant's extreme and unwarranted jealousy and rage has left the plaintiff concerned about her emotional stability," the papers say.

The divorce filing came less than a day after the 33-year-old NBA player filed a domestic violence complaint seeking a temporary restraining order against his wife.
"Jason Kidd filed for divorce from his wife today on the grounds of extreme cruelty over a long period of time," Kidd's attorney, Madeline Marzano-Lesnevich, said in a statement Tuesday." from the Washington Post

Today, one day after Jason filed divorce papers claiming spousal abuse, his wife's attorney said this: "He says he's threatened by her? He's a star athlete. She's 5-foot-2, I think, and 105 pounds," said celebrity New York divorce lawyer Raoul Felder, one of the attorneys representing Joumana Kidd.

"It's shameful what he did here. The truth will come out," said Felder on Wednesday, adding his client planned to file a counter compliant within a week.


According to Murray Strauss, a family violence researcher,....

Men are less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control. Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault. Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with.


Do you think the court system generally believes a woman more than a man in a domestic violence case?

Do you think the defense that because a woman is smaller she's not capable of hurting a man is valid?

Do you know anyone personally who was abused by a woman verbally or physically who was taken seriously by the police or court system?

 

[Booko]

Do you think the court system generally believes a woman more than a man in a domestic violence case?

Yes.

Do you think the defense that because a woman is smaller she's not capable of hurting a man is valid?

Considering how many men bigger than me that I've beaten the snot out of, I don't see how that can be true.

Never understimate the use of speed, agility and doing the unexpected. :angel2:

Do you know anyone personally who was abused by a woman verbally or physically who was taken seriously by the police or court system?

I don't know any man who ever admitted he was abused physically by a woman, but I sure know of some seriously verbally abused men, and that should be taken as seriously as when men verbally abuse women.

And I would be surprised if a man showed up in court claiming his wife or significant other was verbally or psychologically abusing him, and he was taken seriously.

Yeah, we have to work on that.

 

[lizskid]

Sure, the courts generally expect the woman to be the victim, due to perceived (and perhaps true) lesser strength, etc. Do women abuse male partners? Uh-huh, more often than one would think....it would take a lot for a man to press charges, because, to him, it would be admiting weaknesses of all sorts. I have never known one personally, but I know OF two or three, and it was an absolute shame....abuse is inexcusable, whoever the victim.

 

[Buttercup]

I don't know any man who ever admitted he was abused physically by a woman, but I sure know of some seriously verbally abused men, and that should be taken as seriously as when men verbally abuse women.

And I would be surprised if a man showed up in court claiming his wife or significant other was verbally or psychologically abusing him, and he was taken seriously.

Yeah, we have to work on that.

Do you think it likely that a man who is being severely verbally abused is going to be physically slapped or hit as well at some point?

 

[Mike182]

the courts are not exactly geared towards helping anyone who has suffered abuse anyway, but i think it is harder for a man to report domestic abuse.

 

[Buttercup]

Sure, the courts generally expect the woman to be the victim, due to perceived (and perhaps true) lesser strength, etc. Do women abuse male partners? Uh-huh, more often than one would think....it would take a lot for a man to press charges, because, to him, it would be admiting weaknesses of all sorts. I have never known one personally, but I know OF two or three, and it was an absolute shame....abuse is inexcusable, whoever the victim.

Do you think because men are larger they might be more likely to stay in an abusive situation longer than women? Or if the abusive is verbal only they don't classify it as abuse as readily?

Do you think women are the same way? If the abuse is verbal only they stick around longer?

 

[lizskid]

Yes, I have seen that pattern again and again. People don't equate verbal abuse with abuse....there are no physical signs. I think people live with it because they think they have done something to deserve it, or "at least I am not being hit." You don't need a broken bone to have a broken spirit.

 

[Buttercup]

Yes, I have seen that pattern again and again. People don't equate verbal abuse with abuse....there are no physical signs. I think people live with it because they think they have done something to deserve it, or "at least I am not being hit." You don't need a broken bone to have a broken spirit.

I don't want this thread to turn into a "women have it worse than men" type scenario. It's quite evident that women suffer substantially more domestic abuse than men....at least that we know of.

Still, I think men deserve to have this issue brought out more often. It must be so deflating to suffer from frequent verbal abuse from your wife but yet feel that you have no where to turn. Men tend to hide these sorts of issues from their friends and families for fear of appearing weak. What it must do to their spirit over time is simply sad beyond belief.

 

[Quoth The Raven]

I know one guy who's girlfriend used to thump him on a regular basis. And he stood there and took it, because there's no excuse to hit a woman, even in self defence. Eventually she'd get over it and it'd be ok, but if he defended himself then he'd be the one in the wrong.
I know a woman who's mother abused her father...and was quite proud of the fact. I actually heard this woman recount the 'amusing' story of how her husband came home late one night and his dinner was ruined, so she met him at the top of the steps and threw it at his head. Then after he fell down the steps and broke his leg, she laid in the boots while he was down.
I also know of a man who ended up in jail because his wife physically and emotionally abused him for years, and he eventually snapped and killed her.
The thing about this is, people know it's going on, but they're even less inclined to get involved than they are with abused women...because honestly, what sort of a guy lets a woman beat him up? It's bollocks to think that just because women may be smaller or lighter that they're not capable of inflicting just as much damage as an abusive man. It's especially difficult when, if a woman fights back in self defence she's still a victim, but if a man defends himself - even assuming he hasn't been raised to believe that there's no allowable circumstance where you can hit a woman, even if she's punching the daylights out of you - he runs a very real risk of being painted the villain.

 

[linwood]

I knew a man who was being attacked by his wife.
Grabbed her by both arms to push her away/get her off him then ran to his car and called the cops.
She had apparently been doing this alot and he was beginning to fear for his life.
he didn`t want to sleep with her there.

The cops came and talked to them then immediately arrested the man because of the red marks on his wifes upper arms where he grabbed her.
The scratches and ripped skin on his face didn`t count it seems.

He went to jail, he was prosecuted, he was convicted and he did his time & probation.

This has taught me to never call the cops for anything.

 

[Booko]

Do you think it likely that a man who is being severely verbally abused is going to be physically slapped or hit as well at some point?

Or have dishes and chairs thrown at him, not to mention the brandishing of knives. And you know, guys DO have to sleep sometime, and it would not be nice to live in that kind of situation either.

I know personally of a woman who abuses her husband. She abused her previous 2 hubands as well, and they abused her also. It was mutual abuse, apparently. :areyoucra

But the 3rd husband? I have no reason to believe that he is either physically or verbally abusive.

 

[Buttercup]

It's especially difficult when, if a woman fights back in self defence she's still a victim, but if a man defends himself - even assuming he hasn't been raised to believe that there's no allowable circumstance where you can hit a woman, even if she's punching the daylights out of you - he runs a very real risk of being painted the villain.

I knew a man who was being attacked by his wife.
Grabbed her by both arms to push her away/get her off him then ran to his car and called the cops.
She had apparently been doing this alot and he was beginning to fear for his life.
he didn`t want to sleep with her there.

The cops came and talked to them then immediately arrested the man because of the red marks on his wifes upper arms where he grabbed her.
The scratches and ripped skin on his face didn`t count it seems.

He went to jail, he was prosecuted, he was convicted and he did his time & probation.

This has taught me to never call the cops for anything.

I don't know the laws in Australia QTR but here in the states there's a law provison called "primary aggressor". Officers are not required to arrest both or all parties when called to a domestic abuse situation. However, the "primary physical aggressor" shall be arrested if someone is to be arrested. The primary physical aggressor is not necessarily the person who was first to use force. It's a subjective call by the police. And unfortunately, the police are still conditioned to arrest the man.

During the officer's investigation to determine who is the primary physical aggressor, the officer shall consider the following:

1. the comparative severity of any injuries inflicted by and between the parties;
2. whether any such person has made threats of future harm against another party or another family or household member;
3. whether any such person has a prior history of domestic violence that the officer can reasonably ascertain;
   Note - When investigating this factor at the scene, the following sources of information may be available: agency records, NYSPIN Registry of Orders of Protection, criminal history, prior acts of violence against others, reports of other officer(s) responding to address for past incidents and statements of neighbors or others in the residence.
4. whether any such person acted defensively to protect himself or herself or a third person from injury.

from www.opdv.state.ny.us

 

[Ðanisty]

My husband and his father were verbally and physically abused. When my mother-in-law finally came at my husband with a butcher knife, we got her thrown in jail for aggravated assault and the DA also slapped a four-year restraining order on her. People still don't believe the story though.

 

[Buttercup]

My husband and his father were verbally and physically abused. When my mother-in-law finally came at my husband with a butcher knife, we got her thrown in jail for aggravated assault and the DA also slapped a four-year restraining order on her. People still don't believe the story though.

Did your husband's father end up divorcing her? Does your husband talk to her now?

 

[Mavrikmind]

Ok I had not planed on talking about this to anyone but I believe I need to.
Let me start by saying that I didn't know what was happening untill the last year we were married.
I was married to my first and only wife for seven years. During that time she was very verbaly abusive and sometimes physicaly abusive. For a long time I just didn't think anything of it. I would just shrug it off and forget about it.
During the last year of our marriage it became really bad, So I made excuses to go visit my family or spend weekends away with my son.
I have to say that as a person that was brought up to show the utmost respect to women and touching a woman with anything other than a tender touch was very taboo. That upbringing was my achilies heel with her. She knew she could do the things she did and get away with it.
I have to say that through it all she did teach me to be a stronger person, to stand up for myself. Those seven years were horrible! Some of my friends who knew me then have told me that they didn't know how I got through it like I did. To be truthfull I would rather just forget about that period of my life and mainly I have, I've found that alot of details from then are really fuzzy.
So can men be abused by women, Oh yes !
Are Women favored more legally than men ? That I think is slowly changing. I got lucky in my divorse because my x was using drugs at the time so custody of my son wasn't an issue.

 

[Mathematician]

Ok I had not planed on talking about this to anyone but I believe I need to.
Let me start by saying that I didn't know what was happening untill the last year we were married.
I was married to my first and only wife for seven years. During that time she was very verbaly abusive and sometimes physicaly abusive. For a long time I just didn't think anything of it. I would just shrug it off and forget about it.
During the last year of our marriage it became really bad, So I made excuses to go visit my family or spend weekends away with my son.
I have to say that as a person that was brought up to show the utmost respect to women and touching a woman with anything other than a tender touch was very taboo. That upbringing was my achilies heel with her. She knew she could do the things she did and get away with it.
I have to say that through it all she did teach me to be a stronger person, to stand up for myself. Those seven years were horrible! Some of my friends who knew me then have told me that they didn't know how I got through it like I did. To be truthfull I would rather just forget about that period of my life and mainly I have, I've found that alot of details from then are really fuzzy.
So can men be abused by women, Oh yes !
Are Women favored more legally than men ? That I think is slowly changing. I got lucky in my divorse because my x was using drugs at the time so custody of my son wasn't an issue.

I'm sorry to hear that! At least you got something out of it.

Personally, I think if a woman was attacking me with the intention of seriously harming me, the "don't hit a girl" policy would be off.

 

[FFH]

It's really simple, women can incessantly abuse their husbands mentally and can cause their husbands mental stability to collapse and the marriage to subsequently fall apart...

If the woman is stable the man tends to be very stable as well

 

[Booko]

My husband and his father were verbally and physically abused. When my mother-in-law finally came at my husband with a butcher knife, we got her thrown in jail for aggravated assault and the DA also slapped a four-year restraining order on her. People still don't believe the story though.

I do! I'm surprised the woman I know hasn't managed to do more serious harm to her current husband, frankly.

Besides, if a woman actually gets convicted for that, how likely is it that it isn't true? There are just too many hurdles for a man to jump over to make that happen.

 

[Booko]

Are Women favored more legally than men ? That I think is slowly changing. I got lucky in my divorse because my x was using drugs at the time so custody of my son wasn't an issue.

Thank God your son is protected and that you made it through this!

 

[standing_alone]

Today, one day after Jason filed divorce papers claiming spousal abuse, his wife's attorney said this: "He says he's threatened by her? He's a star athlete. She's 5-foot-2, I think, and 105 pounds," said celebrity New York divorce lawyer Raoul Felder, one of the attorneys representing Joumana Kidd.

:banghead3

Do you think the court system generally believes a woman more than a man in a domestic violence case?

I don't know. I'm inclined to say I don't think so. It's so ingrained into our ideas of domestic violence that a man is always the aggressor and that the men are brutish and many think that if a woman attacks her husband, she is justified for doing so. The whole "a man can't slap a woman because he's stronger than her, but a woman can because she's weaker/or hysterical" type attitude many people have.

Do you think the defense that because a woman is smaller she's not capable of hurting a man is valid?

No. Just because a woman is physically smaller doesn't mean she is neccessarily weaker or at least not as strong as her husband and it isn't always the case that the woman is smaller than a man. Whether the man was physically hurt or not, the action was certainly intended to and if the man tried the same, no matter how bad (or not) he hurt her, he'd be held accountable under law.

Do you know anyone personally who was abused by a woman verbally or physically who was taken seriously by the police or court system?

Sort of. One time when my brother was still going out with his then-girlfriend they got into a huge fight and she called the cops on him, but he didn't do anything and when the cops came she was still fighting with my brother and pushed him, so (besides having warrants out for her arrest) was taken by the police for domestic dispute or violence or something and my brother was given some card about being a victim of domestic violence.