Vasilisa Jade
Formerly Saint Tigeress
They say, "attachment is watching the sand slip through your fingers and crying at the loss of each grain. Non-attachment is looking at the beach beneath your feet."
So many people portray attachment as undesirable. I don't find it particularly desirable or undesirable. I find attachment to work hand in hand with non-attachment to prevent non-attachment from becoming indifference. For me attachment is emotional possessiveness... I tell myself I cannot lose something or someone I never owned in the first place, and never will or would. I have no desire to possess... I truly don't... so why would I cry at loss? I tell myself, "I do not own x, y, or z..." and that keeps me from crying, and puts me in a state somewhere in between.
So with the man I adore... He crushed me badly a year ago, does not reciprocate... made it very clear there is no likelihood of us ever being in a relationship or partnership even though he says he adores me as well, which off and on is blatantly obvious... I overcame my emotions... despite being madly in love with this guy and knowing his stance, I was still intimate with him. Then let go in between until we met again.
I tried to be with other people... and afterwards I found myself disappointed and gross feeling... without direct thoughts one way or another. I stopped that. I tried to date someone I thought may be promising to do the trick for me. I found myself in the same situation... despite months of sensory deprivation, I felt like I was cheating... I felt it before I deciphered the source of the feeling. All I realized was that my heart wasn't there. It didn't matter what or where the guy was or if we would ever talk again... that was where my heart was and ignoring that made me feel nasty...
I feel I am not attached yet something deep inside me must be. I don't ask questions, I don't cling, I don't chase... I give all the respect and freedom in the world... yet despite clear rejection, I have no desire to allow anyone else to touch me or to date anyone. This I finally accepted instead of fighting it. I've been dating since I was 15 and I come into contact with large volumes of people every day... and in 2 years thus far... these underlying reactions have not shifted. This is as uncharacteristic of me as biting someones ear off in a boxing ring would be for Ghandi.
Mentors have told me to remove myself completely from any sensory stimuli from this guy. I considered this and then decided it is not safe, as I have done respectable amounts of this already. I cannot risk getting into a relationship and then him reappearing... I would likely question the current commitment and emotions resulting in more suffering. I decided it is better to keep contact as is, because if these reactions leave me, I will then know they truly have.
I've objectively analyzed this internal state and external situation and played with it now for almost 2 years I think. I am content now that I wiggled out of my misfit relationship attempt (even though I feel horrible about it). Yet I still wonder... what the hell is this? It is surreal (the way I feel).
So many people portray attachment as undesirable. I don't find it particularly desirable or undesirable. I find attachment to work hand in hand with non-attachment to prevent non-attachment from becoming indifference. For me attachment is emotional possessiveness... I tell myself I cannot lose something or someone I never owned in the first place, and never will or would. I have no desire to possess... I truly don't... so why would I cry at loss? I tell myself, "I do not own x, y, or z..." and that keeps me from crying, and puts me in a state somewhere in between.
So with the man I adore... He crushed me badly a year ago, does not reciprocate... made it very clear there is no likelihood of us ever being in a relationship or partnership even though he says he adores me as well, which off and on is blatantly obvious... I overcame my emotions... despite being madly in love with this guy and knowing his stance, I was still intimate with him. Then let go in between until we met again.
I tried to be with other people... and afterwards I found myself disappointed and gross feeling... without direct thoughts one way or another. I stopped that. I tried to date someone I thought may be promising to do the trick for me. I found myself in the same situation... despite months of sensory deprivation, I felt like I was cheating... I felt it before I deciphered the source of the feeling. All I realized was that my heart wasn't there. It didn't matter what or where the guy was or if we would ever talk again... that was where my heart was and ignoring that made me feel nasty...
I feel I am not attached yet something deep inside me must be. I don't ask questions, I don't cling, I don't chase... I give all the respect and freedom in the world... yet despite clear rejection, I have no desire to allow anyone else to touch me or to date anyone. This I finally accepted instead of fighting it. I've been dating since I was 15 and I come into contact with large volumes of people every day... and in 2 years thus far... these underlying reactions have not shifted. This is as uncharacteristic of me as biting someones ear off in a boxing ring would be for Ghandi.
Mentors have told me to remove myself completely from any sensory stimuli from this guy. I considered this and then decided it is not safe, as I have done respectable amounts of this already. I cannot risk getting into a relationship and then him reappearing... I would likely question the current commitment and emotions resulting in more suffering. I decided it is better to keep contact as is, because if these reactions leave me, I will then know they truly have.
I've objectively analyzed this internal state and external situation and played with it now for almost 2 years I think. I am content now that I wiggled out of my misfit relationship attempt (even though I feel horrible about it). Yet I still wonder... what the hell is this? It is surreal (the way I feel).