Hi all!
At first, English is not my native language, so excuse me for any mistakes.
I am 32 years old; I come from Latvia, it is a small former USSR country.
I have some problems since birth, my illness is called congenital nystagmus, which has brought with it also nearsightedness and bad vision all of my life. I'll never have a driving license. Because of other problems, I also am physically weak, in my 32 I look maybe like a weak 20 years old.
Despite my vision problems, I managed to study and get a master’s degree in programming and now I work as a programmer in a small company, and I enjoy it, programming is a creative process if done right.
My family is Catholic and I was raised the same way. But somewhere deep inside I have a feeling that God is not the way they told me. How God can be so cruel and ask to sacrifice animals an even someone’s son? How God can ask someone to kill other people in His name? How God can frighten His children with hell? But that seems to be what the Bible says. This cruel image of punishing God, who wants me to blindly follow Him without thinking, has made me think that maybe people have misunderstood something. Maybe some texts in Bible are misinterpreted, maybe something is lost in translation, maybe something is even edited to suit someone else’s interests … after all, we have no idea, what exactly did God say, we just have the texts which are being retranslated in many languages, we do not know what is meant to be understood literally and what is just a metaphor, various priests have different explanations for the same topics. And the disagreements among many religions and churches prove that no one knows exactly 100% what God has to say about all of this. Some people say that Catholics are sinners because they pray with repetitive words and worship idols. Some Catholics say that mediation is a sin because it is like trying to get your consciousness opened to mystic forces, which may be evil. Some other Christian priests are on the opposite side, they consider the meditation to be the right way to talk to God instead of repetitive prayers and rituals. Sometimes I think they are right. When praying in our local church, I feel uncomfortable. The words of those ritual prayers seem a bit foreign to me. I know, these words may have had some deep meaning for the person who originally wrote that prayer. But those words do not speak for my current state of mind; they do not say all the things I want to say to God. I feel much closer to God at night in my dreams. I have lucid dreams often, but I do not know if that is a gift or a curse. Someone say that lucid dreams are a sin, the same way as mediation is. I am confused once again. Anyway, when in a lucid dream, I pray: “God, please, give me a sign, what should I do, whom should I trust?” No response yet. But still there is always some feeling of comfort, of warm helping force. Sometimes I say: “God, I give myself completely to you, show me what you want me to see”. And then I start flying in my dream, up to the sky, it feels so easy and calm, sometimes there is a music, and I wake up with a feeling of joy and sadness at the same time… sadness, because I do not understand, what God wanted to say to me. Maybe He says that He forgives me and understands my doubts? Or maybe that is a devil, who tries to deceive me through my dreams? Anyway, even in my nightmares, if I remember God and trust Him, I can escape my nightmares easily. I just have to trust completely and relax, and then some calm force brings me away from my nightmare. And again I feel so close to God at such times, much closer than while praying with the ritual prayers in the church.
The worst discovery for me was at about age 15. I found out that I have no physical attraction to girls, but luckily, I do not have such attraction to boys, too. The problem is that I felt such attraction to much older men. But as I know it is considered a sin, I managed to take control over myself and accept celibacy. Still, every day I look at girls, I look at children and my heart breaks because I think I’ll never be able to be a normal father and a husband. Which girl will want to join my celibacy and raise children with a husband, who looks like a teenager and is not able to trust his own eyes? Anyway, I still have a hope. Maybe someday God will find some way to do a miracle. After all, God does miracles through other people. Maybe He also does miracles using science, but again – some Christians think that the science is a sin. So, it seems whatever I try to do, wherever I go – everywhere there will be people which will say that I am doing it the wrong way. It is so depressing.
I look what happens in the world, how politics, economics and even religion is fighting each other, how the weapons are used to “fight for peace” (what an awful combination – kill someone to make others peaceful…, how people judge each and take sides without listening to all the opinions (is Michael Jackson a bad person or not? I cannot believe he is bad, the last songs are so loving, and some of them sound even like a prayer for humankind), how people are assuming things which they do not know, how the showbusiness is making money popularising our primitive insticnts (sex and fear), and the worst thing is I myself am into all this, too. I cannot escape the world, because the world is also the place where I learn the better sides of it.
It seems, I have lost my faith in God of the Bible. I believe only the words of love and compassion. I learn not to judge anyone; I learn to love everyone and everything and do not assume that anyone is right or wrong just because someone said so. I believe just the good deeds of people, but not the words (it is so sad to not be able to trust people...). I know that I myself am not a good person always. But maybe I am going completely wrong way. I just continue praying: God, please, show me the way. I do not promise I will not fall, but I’ll try to go on, no matter what. There is only one thing I know for sure: while I am going the path of love and compassion, I cannot be wrong, no matter of religion or color of m skin or the place of my birth or the physical and mental defects which God gave me at birth.
Have I lost my faith? Am I on the wrong way? Do not judge, say your opinion, tell, what your heart wants to answer, and I will listen and learn.
Thanks for reading this long text, and I wish you merry Christmas and happy New Year!
May God bless you all!
Martin
At first, English is not my native language, so excuse me for any mistakes.
I am 32 years old; I come from Latvia, it is a small former USSR country.
I have some problems since birth, my illness is called congenital nystagmus, which has brought with it also nearsightedness and bad vision all of my life. I'll never have a driving license. Because of other problems, I also am physically weak, in my 32 I look maybe like a weak 20 years old.
Despite my vision problems, I managed to study and get a master’s degree in programming and now I work as a programmer in a small company, and I enjoy it, programming is a creative process if done right.
My family is Catholic and I was raised the same way. But somewhere deep inside I have a feeling that God is not the way they told me. How God can be so cruel and ask to sacrifice animals an even someone’s son? How God can ask someone to kill other people in His name? How God can frighten His children with hell? But that seems to be what the Bible says. This cruel image of punishing God, who wants me to blindly follow Him without thinking, has made me think that maybe people have misunderstood something. Maybe some texts in Bible are misinterpreted, maybe something is lost in translation, maybe something is even edited to suit someone else’s interests … after all, we have no idea, what exactly did God say, we just have the texts which are being retranslated in many languages, we do not know what is meant to be understood literally and what is just a metaphor, various priests have different explanations for the same topics. And the disagreements among many religions and churches prove that no one knows exactly 100% what God has to say about all of this. Some people say that Catholics are sinners because they pray with repetitive words and worship idols. Some Catholics say that mediation is a sin because it is like trying to get your consciousness opened to mystic forces, which may be evil. Some other Christian priests are on the opposite side, they consider the meditation to be the right way to talk to God instead of repetitive prayers and rituals. Sometimes I think they are right. When praying in our local church, I feel uncomfortable. The words of those ritual prayers seem a bit foreign to me. I know, these words may have had some deep meaning for the person who originally wrote that prayer. But those words do not speak for my current state of mind; they do not say all the things I want to say to God. I feel much closer to God at night in my dreams. I have lucid dreams often, but I do not know if that is a gift or a curse. Someone say that lucid dreams are a sin, the same way as mediation is. I am confused once again. Anyway, when in a lucid dream, I pray: “God, please, give me a sign, what should I do, whom should I trust?” No response yet. But still there is always some feeling of comfort, of warm helping force. Sometimes I say: “God, I give myself completely to you, show me what you want me to see”. And then I start flying in my dream, up to the sky, it feels so easy and calm, sometimes there is a music, and I wake up with a feeling of joy and sadness at the same time… sadness, because I do not understand, what God wanted to say to me. Maybe He says that He forgives me and understands my doubts? Or maybe that is a devil, who tries to deceive me through my dreams? Anyway, even in my nightmares, if I remember God and trust Him, I can escape my nightmares easily. I just have to trust completely and relax, and then some calm force brings me away from my nightmare. And again I feel so close to God at such times, much closer than while praying with the ritual prayers in the church.
The worst discovery for me was at about age 15. I found out that I have no physical attraction to girls, but luckily, I do not have such attraction to boys, too. The problem is that I felt such attraction to much older men. But as I know it is considered a sin, I managed to take control over myself and accept celibacy. Still, every day I look at girls, I look at children and my heart breaks because I think I’ll never be able to be a normal father and a husband. Which girl will want to join my celibacy and raise children with a husband, who looks like a teenager and is not able to trust his own eyes? Anyway, I still have a hope. Maybe someday God will find some way to do a miracle. After all, God does miracles through other people. Maybe He also does miracles using science, but again – some Christians think that the science is a sin. So, it seems whatever I try to do, wherever I go – everywhere there will be people which will say that I am doing it the wrong way. It is so depressing.
I look what happens in the world, how politics, economics and even religion is fighting each other, how the weapons are used to “fight for peace” (what an awful combination – kill someone to make others peaceful…, how people judge each and take sides without listening to all the opinions (is Michael Jackson a bad person or not? I cannot believe he is bad, the last songs are so loving, and some of them sound even like a prayer for humankind), how people are assuming things which they do not know, how the showbusiness is making money popularising our primitive insticnts (sex and fear), and the worst thing is I myself am into all this, too. I cannot escape the world, because the world is also the place where I learn the better sides of it.
It seems, I have lost my faith in God of the Bible. I believe only the words of love and compassion. I learn not to judge anyone; I learn to love everyone and everything and do not assume that anyone is right or wrong just because someone said so. I believe just the good deeds of people, but not the words (it is so sad to not be able to trust people...). I know that I myself am not a good person always. But maybe I am going completely wrong way. I just continue praying: God, please, show me the way. I do not promise I will not fall, but I’ll try to go on, no matter what. There is only one thing I know for sure: while I am going the path of love and compassion, I cannot be wrong, no matter of religion or color of m skin or the place of my birth or the physical and mental defects which God gave me at birth.
Have I lost my faith? Am I on the wrong way? Do not judge, say your opinion, tell, what your heart wants to answer, and I will listen and learn.
Thanks for reading this long text, and I wish you merry Christmas and happy New Year!
May God bless you all!
Martin