Working on grief

[PoetPhilosopher]

I kind of feel like I did something irresponsible, and I wanted to ask this forum's forgiveness.

Around June I started to feel much increased gender dysphoria. Rather than reasoning it out in a responsible way, I kind of just fed that dysphoria, including watching a lot of politically motivated videos on YouTube about how great Transitioning makes people's lives. Now this isn't a post against Trans people, some people just have to change, I completely understand and support them, but I was being irresponsible and caused myself to believe I was Trans when I think my real problem was that I lacked direction in life, hope, and to an extent God. And I narrowly focused on that one thing, Transitioning, and made it appealing to myself.

Now during that time, my posts in general caught the attention of a woman who kind of showed an interest in me, but I respectfully understood her to be straight, and I felt I had to just focus on this whole gender dysphoria thing and that's it, and focus on following this thought through to completion no matter what. I felt like I had to.

Well several months pass. I was praying to God one morning, or Vishnu, well I'm just going to call him God because that's the way I understand it in my mind whether it's Vishnu, etc... I was praying and something happened, almost like a quick strike of a healing hand, and poof, some of these pieces came more into place and my gender dysphoria.... just disappeared by the end of the day. And well, the name of the woman who showed interest in me was Estro Felino and well... I took the first step last week. I showed interest back. I like her. We're actually more or less girlfriend and boyfriend now, well I don't like labels but yes. I think we can help each other in some ways and be there for each other. I really like her and I'm getting over my cold feet in getting close.

@Estro Felino

So now here's the thing. I'm feeling some grief. I don't know a person who almost Transitions and then changes their mind in the last few days, who doesn't. I think the responsible thing would have just been to deny the feelings to begin with regarding gender dysphoria. It would have been easier on everyone.

I have options if my anxiety gets too bad. I already have a psychiatrist, but I'll get a counselor if I feel I need it.

Basically here's what's bothering me. I decided I want to be a man, the person I was born. But I feel like the fact I wanted to be transgender, makes me less of a man. Also, I spent 3 months talking about this subject off and on. I think it'd help if this forum told me they are okay that I changed my mind, since I've made several discussions over those few months talking about Transgender and how it applies to me, so basically, I kind of allowed the people of this forum to "go with me on the ride" even if it was my own decision and one that would last with me.

And there comes a point where I have to thank the people I've squandered free emotional support from, or reassurance, or talked to when I really didn't make much sense:

@Rival
@Shadow Wolf
@dybmh

I just hope there's a happy ending to my story. I want to not be confused about God and to kick butt in life yet. Get on with my career and have a lasting life of love, adventure, etc. I have so much talent, and I need to go back to harvesting it. But I think... time's are changing for me where I don't remain stuck in a gear.

I love you all and think you're special.

 

[SigurdReginson]

Basically here's what's bothering me. I decided I want to be a man, the person I was born. But I feel like the fact I wanted to be transgender, makes me less of a man. Also, I spent 3 months talking about this subject off and on. I think it'd help if this forum told me they are okay that I changed my mind, since I've made several discussions over those few months talking about Transgender and how it applies to me, so basically, I kind of allowed the people of this forum to "go with me on the ride" even if it was my own decision and one that would last with me.

The only person living your life is you, and you aren't less of a man for making the journey you have. Your experiences give you insight that few can say that they've had, and that makes you a more fleshed out person. At the end of the night, the only person you are really accountable to is yourself. Do right by yourself, and leave a positive impact on the world around you. That is what others will see, and that is how your character will manifest itself, IMO.

 

[dybmh]

I've squandered free emotional support from ...

Never fear... I am your friend. I love helping you and supporting you. It's like my favorite thing.

Ok?

If I could ask one favor, as your friend...

I respectfully request that the word "squandered" be completely stricken from the record, your honor.

Never ever could u squander my love and respect for you.

 

[dybmh]

I just hope there's a happy ending to my story.

I'm here for you, if u need me. We can hash all this out. We can do it here in this thread, or, in any of the private convos that we've been using over the past months...

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I'm here for you, if u need me. We can hash all this out. We can do it here in this thread, or, in any of the private convos that we've been using over the past months...

Any place is fine. Even in public here if the questions aren't too personal.

I did want to remind you that I can respond to our existing PMs, but I won't be able to create a new one with you since your profile is limiting access. BUT... I can reply to the existing ones. Just wanted to let you know if it's relevant.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I didn't read over my post again, but one of the things I meant in "happy ending to my story" is that I eventually seek to regain full 100% health and do the impressive things I used to like marvel an engineer of a graphics card company with my intellect (dybmh has heard that story).

 

[Lyndon]

you moved to Italy???????????????

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

you moved to Italy???????????????

I visit there on Sundays when I'm feeling hungry for Italian food.

 

[dybmh]

Any place is fine. Even in public here if the questions aren't too personal.

Ok. I'm away from my PC right now, so, I can't reply fully right now. Just hang tight. Ok.

I did want to remind you that I can respond to our existing PMs, but I won't be able to create a new one with you since your profile is limiting access. BUT... I can reply to the existing ones. Just wanted to let you know if it's relevant.

Yes. I am fully aware. My friends here on RF already have conversations started that they can use to chat with me behind the scenes.

The people who aren't my friends are not invited to send me private messages anymore. That's probably a good thing.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I visit there on Sundays when I'm feeling hungry for Italian food.

Eh, I'm going to provide a real response.

My best relationships ever were long distance. Especially those which existed far away from Illinois.

While I may not come to Italy that soon, who knows, some travel might be in the books for me some day.

 

[SigurdReginson]

Eh, I'm going to provide a real response.

My best relationships ever were long distance. Especially those which existed far away from Illinois.

While I may not come to Italy that soon, who knows, some travel might be in the books for me some day.

Better start saving that PTO.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Better start saving that PTO.

Right now I'm reaping the benefits of socialism a bit until I get back on my feet. But I've been thinking about it some more, and I do have some previous job experience, that will look good. I can probably walk right into a job considering I also have a bit of education experience, I just need to prep myself.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I have a friend, from America, who goes by the username Obsydian. He married someone in Australia and moved to Australia. The main difference is that pizzas there are half the size.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

He showed me a menu which contained pizza with roast duck.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I feel a lot better.

And I know, long distance dating, and people between countries, is tough. But if any of us did what was convenient and logical... we wouldn't be sitting in a cold, icy metal chair in the middle of winter in our shorts posting on an internet forum. We would have done something in the political world by now about votes not coming down to the lesser of two evils. Selfie sticks would have been banned. And dollar stores wouldn't be able to charge more than a dollar.

So all I can say is, @Estro Felino - I like my raviolis made with so much spice even God protests.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I think the responsible thing would have just been to deny the feelings to begin with regarding gender dysphoria. It would have been easier on everyone.

Denying your feeling is the irresponsible thing to do. You have to acknowledge and address them or they will eat at us and corrode us from the inside out.

I don't know a person who almost Transitions and then changes their mind in the last few days, who doesn't.

It happens. Some people with gender dysphoria just acknowledge that, and never have the desire to go on hormones. It's a very big change, it can make life much more difficult, and it's not unusual for someone to decide its not the path for them. It's far better to realize then than after you've been on hormones for while, or worse, after surgery. Which does happen.
I wish you luck in your paths that come.

 

[Harel13]

but I was being irresponsible and caused myself to believe I was Trans when I think my real problem was that I lacked direction in life, hope, and to an extent God.

I think a lot of people have been in similar situations, where you just really want an answer, a solution that'll fix everything, that you become way too focused on one option, whether it's really the best or not.
Good luck on finding the best possible solution.

 

[Rival]

As I say...

I'm always here, bro.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

As I say...

I'm always here, bro.

Yep. Which is reassuring, as you're quite an incredible and quite gifted person.

 

[ChristineM]

I kind of feel like I did something irresponsible, and I wanted to ask this forum's forgiveness.

Around June I started to feel much increased gender dysphoria. Rather than reasoning it out in a responsible way, I kind of just fed that dysphoria, including watching a lot of politically motivated videos on YouTube about how great Transitioning makes people's lives. Now this isn't a post against Trans people, some people just have to change, I completely understand and support them, but I was being irresponsible and caused myself to believe I was Trans when I think my real problem was that I lacked direction in life, hope, and to an extent God. And I narrowly focused on that one thing, Transitioning, and made it appealing to myself.

Now during that time, my posts in general caught the attention of a woman who kind of showed an interest in me, but I respectfully understood her to be straight, and I felt I had to just focus on this whole gender dysphoria thing and that's it, and focus on following this thought through to completion no matter what. I felt like I had to.

Well several months pass. I was praying to God one morning, or Vishnu, well I'm just going to call him God because that's the way I understand it in my mind whether it's Vishnu, etc... I was praying and something happened, almost like a quick strike of a healing hand, and poof, some of these pieces came more into place and my gender dysphoria.... just disappeared by the end of the day. And well, the name of the woman who showed interest in me was Estro Felino and well... I took the first step last week. I showed interest back. I like her. We're actually more or less girlfriend and boyfriend now, well I don't like labels but yes. I think we can help each other in some ways and be there for each other. I really like her and I'm getting over my cold feet in getting close.

@Estro Felino

So now here's the thing. I'm feeling some grief. I don't know a person who almost Transitions and then changes their mind in the last few days, who doesn't. I think the responsible thing would have just been to deny the feelings to begin with regarding gender dysphoria. It would have been easier on everyone.

I have options if my anxiety gets too bad. I already have a psychiatrist, but I'll get a counselor if I feel I need it.

Basically here's what's bothering me. I decided I want to be a man, the person I was born. But I feel like the fact I wanted to be transgender, makes me less of a man. Also, I spent 3 months talking about this subject off and on. I think it'd help if this forum told me they are okay that I changed my mind, since I've made several discussions over those few months talking about Transgender and how it applies to me, so basically, I kind of allowed the people of this forum to "go with me on the ride" even if it was my own decision and one that would last with me.

And there comes a point where I have to thank the people I've squandered free emotional support from, or reassurance, or talked to when I really didn't make much sense:

@Rival
@Shadow Wolf
@dybmh

I just hope there's a happy ending to my story. I want to not be confused about God and to kick butt in life yet. Get on with my career and have a lasting life of love, adventure, etc. I have so much talent, and I need to go back to harvesting it. But I think... time's are changing for me where I don't remain stuck in a gear.

I love you all and think you're special.

Its your life to do as you feel is right. Enjoy it. And good luck