I kind of feel like I did something irresponsible, and I wanted to ask this forum's forgiveness.
Around June I started to feel much increased gender dysphoria. Rather than reasoning it out in a responsible way, I kind of just fed that dysphoria, including watching a lot of politically motivated videos on YouTube about how great Transitioning makes people's lives. Now this isn't a post against Trans people, some people just have to change, I completely understand and support them, but I was being irresponsible and caused myself to believe I was Trans when I think my real problem was that I lacked direction in life, hope, and to an extent God. And I narrowly focused on that one thing, Transitioning, and made it appealing to myself.
Now during that time, my posts in general caught the attention of a woman who kind of showed an interest in me, but I respectfully understood her to be straight, and I felt I had to just focus on this whole gender dysphoria thing and that's it, and focus on following this thought through to completion no matter what. I felt like I had to.
Well several months pass. I was praying to God one morning, or Vishnu, well I'm just going to call him God because that's the way I understand it in my mind whether it's Vishnu, etc... I was praying and something happened, almost like a quick strike of a healing hand, and poof, some of these pieces came more into place and my gender dysphoria.... just disappeared by the end of the day. And well, the name of the woman who showed interest in me was Estro Felino and well... I took the first step last week. I showed interest back. I like her. We're actually more or less girlfriend and boyfriend now, well I don't like labels but yes. I think we can help each other in some ways and be there for each other. I really like her and I'm getting over my cold feet in getting close.
@Estro Felino
So now here's the thing. I'm feeling some grief. I don't know a person who almost Transitions and then changes their mind in the last few days, who doesn't. I think the responsible thing would have just been to deny the feelings to begin with regarding gender dysphoria. It would have been easier on everyone.
I have options if my anxiety gets too bad. I already have a psychiatrist, but I'll get a counselor if I feel I need it.
Basically here's what's bothering me. I decided I want to be a man, the person I was born. But I feel like the fact I wanted to be transgender, makes me less of a man. Also, I spent 3 months talking about this subject off and on. I think it'd help if this forum told me they are okay that I changed my mind, since I've made several discussions over those few months talking about Transgender and how it applies to me, so basically, I kind of allowed the people of this forum to "go with me on the ride" even if it was my own decision and one that would last with me.
And there comes a point where I have to thank the people I've squandered free emotional support from, or reassurance, or talked to when I really didn't make much sense:
@Rival
@Shadow Wolf
@dybmh
I just hope there's a happy ending to my story. I want to not be confused about God and to kick butt in life yet. Get on with my career and have a lasting life of love, adventure, etc. I have so much talent, and I need to go back to harvesting it. But I think... time's are changing for me where I don't remain stuck in a gear.
I love you all and think you're special.
