The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[The Sum of Awe]

I've started to notice, now that I've relaxed a bit, that I have an innate desire to impress people. I don't lie or anything, maybe polish up the good things about myself to some extent, but I still mentally want to show off myself sometimes: to earn respect, or love, or recognition, or something... I think it's become a habit and I will have to be mindful about it to prevent doing it.

I'm not anxious, I forgive myself for this because it was an honest mistake and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think I can turn this around. One step closer to being myself. How many more steps will it be? I don't know. I always feel like I'm near the end of figuring it out, and then I only find more ground ahead. At least I've stopped second guessing myself, though. And gotten better at not worrying about what people think. I think that was a leap.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I'm trying to monitor my thoughts, to see how much they change:

Right now I'm feeling hopeless. The idea that I will die alone and never get to experience a romantic relationship. I'm too awkward and mostly shy unless someone approaches me first, but definitely awkward. I have weird interests and hobbies, no friends.

Some sources say to just relax and do what you want to do, but then other sources say to try to be more sociable and befriend more women so I can get better at talking to them. At the same time I'm doing the best I can and honestly I feel almost no progress has made this entire year and a half of searching for love and confidence (it's been going on for much longer than I started this thread). Well, I no longer feel nervous or second guess myself as of late, that still stands. And I do like who I am, but it seems others don't give the slightest care about my existence. Except my parents, but of course they do because they're my parents, unfortunately that isn't enough to raise my self esteem.

I don't understand what to do. My therapist says to 'relax' in social situations, and I have and it's been beneficial in helping me relax, but I've been mostly quiet and still pretty awkward when I do talk.


But on the plus side: I did initiate small talk with a new guy on our shift. I learned what job he came from previously, that he has a girlfriend and four kids, the oldest is twelve and the youngest is 6 months. I learned his name. I feel like that conversation went fairly good. I hope I can make a friendship with him, but based on previous experience I have no expectations.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I want to make note that last night after work, and this morning, I've been feeling great about myself: The thought that I needn't worry about the future, whether I make close friendships or not or have a relationship, it's not the kind of goal you can really chase. There are options to increase your likelihood but I'm comfortable enough to not go through that extra stress and wait to see if it comes. In the future if I ever decide I want to take these options (dating apps, going to certain places, etc) then I can.

My social skills have been getting better. I'm at least more confident in myself. Started small talk with yet another new coworker and seem to get along fairly good with them. The fact I'm no longer afraid to just open my mouth and start small talk is definitely a good sign. The fact that I'm no longer second guessing what I've said or done, that's another good sign. I am still sort of socially awkward but I think that can get better. I accept that I am mentally slower than others - I gotta have some unchangeable flaws I guess.

I can confidently say I'm completely over my crush. I don't dwell on thoughts of her anymore and I don't worry about what she thinks about me anymore. That has helped tremendously.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

• Awkward moment. I left my number on the table today at a restaraunt for a server, but I think the wrong one picked it up (judging by the voice over the phone) and now I am like I'd feel like a jerk to just not pick up her call next time hehehe But I don't know how to break it. I guess I could be like, the next time she calls, "are you the one with black hair?" and then be like "i left that for the one with black hair. no offense." damn that would be rude though wouldn't it? hahaha rock and a hard place

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Hey, I'm getting out there. I also met a girl earlier this week over facebook that I've been chatting with. There are no sparks, though, ah well about that one. It's not officially over but I don't see it going anywhere.

 

[JustGeorge]

• Awkward moment. I left my number on the table today at a restaraunt for a server, but I think the wrong one picked it up (judging by the voice over the phone) and now I am like I'd feel like a jerk to just not pick up her call next time hehehe But I don't know how to break it. I guess I could be like, the next time she calls, "are you the one with black hair?" and then be like "i left that for the one with black hair. no offense." damn that would be rude though wouldn't it? hahaha rock and a hard place

That is awkward... Different scenarios:

-It could be the one with the black hair, and she just sounds different on the phone(that happens).

-It might not be the one with the black hair, but maybe you'll find a connection anyways.

-It isn't the one with the black hair, and you don't like the one that called.

Either way, curious to see how you get out of this one.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

• Awkward moment. I left my number on the table today at a restaraunt for a server, but I think the wrong one picked it up (judging by the voice over the phone) and now I am like I'd feel like a jerk to just not pick up her call next time hehehe But I don't know how to break it. I guess I could be like, the next time she calls, "are you the one with black hair?" and then be like "i left that for the one with black hair. no offense." damn that would be rude though wouldn't it? hahaha rock and a hard place

Maybe I'd be throwing away an opportunity though and I should just go with it!!!! I'll think of it as a blind date!

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Any advice on how to calm myself down in these moments? I totally was spazzing. It went smooth but it was a short conversation, had it went longer I probably would've said something dumb. In fact, I kind of did but I can make it work. She suggested we meet at 7 am. I thought for a moment, "that's early" I thought. I told her that, suggested we meet on the weekend instead. I can take a point to take the day off work, that's fine. But really, I think I should've just did the 7 am thing now that I think about it - a little less complicated, etc. and now I have to deal with another phone call to reschedule (I hate phone calls, they make me anxious).

My head is still spinning so fast and anxious.

 

[JustGeorge]

Any advice on how to calm myself down in these moments? I totally was spazzing. It went smooth but it was a short conversation, had it went longer I probably would've said something dumb. In fact, I kind of did but I can make it work. She suggested we meet at 7 am. I thought for a moment, "that's early" I thought. I told her that, suggested we meet on the weekend instead. I can take a point to take the day off work, that's fine. But really, I think I should've just did the 7 am thing now that I think about it - a little less complicated, etc. and now I have to deal with another phone call to reschedule (I hate phone calls, they make me anxious).

My head is still spinning so fast and anxious.

7am? I think rescheduling was the right thing. (But I'm a horrible, terrible, grumpy, anti-morning person.) What you've disclosed here doesn't seem dumb to me.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

So, the date did not happen and I'm okay with that. I've forgotten about it, there wasn't much to move on from. In fact it was a bit of a relief that it didn't happen, as I don't think it was the right person.

Anyways. I just wanted to add to my journal: Today I felt very numb at the beginning-middle of my work shift. I was very quiet and avoidant of people. Then I started hating myself in my head: "I'm so avoidant, no wonder people don't like you. You don't make eye contact when people walk by. You don't say hi unless it's to the person you're working with. etc." I felt so hopeless again, as if there was something wrong with me and that I am destined to be lonely forever. I sat by myself at break, stared at my phone and didn't look up.

I feel like this is a trait I really dislike about myself: It feels so unnatural for me to greet people randomly. I can't come up with anything witty to say, so if I was walking by someone I'd likely just say 'hey' but it feels unnatural and in the moment I guess I flinch. And I would feel bad for saying 'hi' to one person and then not to another.

It started to get better throughout the day, the small talk my coworker I was working with expanded naturally, I felt good because I was aware of what I was doing at the job, I am training this guy so I felt good about myself being able to do that. And I just stopped thinking about the 'people hate me' thing which there's no evidence that it's true.


And I have to admit I sometimes think about my crush still. Not nearly as bad as before, I completely understand it's something that will never happen. It's just that ever since I've 'accepted it' and told myself I'm moving on, choosing not to think about it when the thoughts come up. Ever since then, I've kinda felt mostly numb inside, like there's a hole there that I try to fill but nothing satisfies. I'm unsure if this is necessarily a bad thing or something that will go away in time. It's especially hard since I still work with her. In fact, she is now someone I avoid making eye contact with and it makes me feel sorta rude. However, I'm not rude to her when we do interact; just more quiet and like I said, avoiding eye contact or saying hi. Maybe there is nothing wrong with this and I'm overthinking it.

I don't know, just rambling again.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I don't know.... maybe I am overthinking it again. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me deciding to not look at people when walking by, or only saying hi if I'm beginning to interact with them. Maybe I need to be comfortable with the idea that some moments are meant to be in silence or work-related only. Maybe I don't have to fix 'anything', as I said I am not rude when I do interact with people, and I am able to carry on a conversation sometimes or even start ones sometimes. I think that sometimes is better than none.

 

[JustGeorge]

I don't know.... maybe I am overthinking it again. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me deciding to not look at people when walking by, or only saying hi if I'm beginning to interact with them. Maybe I need to be comfortable with the idea that some moments are meant to be in silence or work-related only. Maybe I don't have to fix 'anything', as I said I am not rude when I do interact with people, and I am able to carry on a conversation sometimes or even start ones sometimes. I think that sometimes is better than none.

I think only a portion of people look at each other and say 'hi' when they walk by. Different people are comfortable with different things. Culture varies(and that includes workplace culture, which is different in every business).

As long as you're not being intentionally rude, you're fine.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I would like to add a mood journal for yesterday:

I felt insecure yesterday morning for the first quarter of the work day. I was thinking about how unsociable I was being because I was focusing on my work. But then I initiated small talk and it made me feel like I reassured my coworkers (new) that I’m a welcoming presence. Even though it wasn’t initially reciprocated because they were also focused and I understood that. Then later we talked a bit more while working so I don’t think I come off as this totally cold person like I think I do sometimes just because sometimes I am quiet and focused and sometimes straight to the point with answers. I feel more relaxed and okay with myself.

I also had thoughts of “I’m so low spirited because of my depression. I have trouble being vibrant and lightening up.” But I proved those thoughts wrong

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I was feeling anxious again today. Hating myself for not making eye contact with people as I pass them by. I am not always this way, it depends on the person. So it's fair enough I guess. I was also bad at starting conversations again today, I just went blank on what to say. I'm not sure what triggers that, some days I can start conversations with people I am comfortable around just fine.

I am not sure which is more real: the days where I feel hopeless, and like there's something wrong with me. Or the days where I feel hopeful, and like I am not so bad after all.

 

[Quagmire]

I am not sure which is more real: the days where I feel hopeless, and like there's something wrong with me. Or the days where I feel hopeful, and like I am not so bad after all.

Probably whichever one you're living by at the moment.

 

[vulcanlogician]

I was feeling anxious again today. Hating myself for not making eye contact with people as I pass them by. I am not always this way, it depends on the person.

I understand that, man. When I feel sad or anxious I don't want make eye contact with people because (like it not) I WILL convey my emotional state by locking eyes with someone. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make THEM feel uncomfortable. But avoiding eye contact increases the discomfort. It's a runaway effect that leads to me feeling more and more anxiety and agony.

But there's a neat trick to get out of the cycle. Make it a point to make eye contact at every available moment. Sure, one or two times you'll make someone feel the discomfort that you are feeling. But it's brief. They'll get over it very quickly. But, you... you will become more and more comfortable making eye contact each time you do it. Until the point where you feel good and comfortable, and when you make eye contact with others, you'll make them feel good and comfortable too.

Trust me, man. I've been through the whole eye contact thing and what I said has worked for me. And I think it will work for you too. At the very least, it's worth a shot.

If anything, please don't ever hate yourself because eye contact is difficult. That's the worst reason to ever hate yourself, man.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Probably whichever one you're living by at the moment.

So, does this mean that there could be something wrong with me when I feel that there is but when I feel like there's nothing wrong with me there might not be? How do I then pinpoint what is wrong with me so I can work on that?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I understand that, man. When I feel sad or anxious I don't want make eye contact with people because (like it not) I WILL convey my emotional state by locking eyes with someone. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make THEM feel uncomfortable. But avoiding eye contact increases the discomfort. It's a runaway effect that leads to me feeling more and more anxiety and agony.

But there's a neat trick to get out of the cycle. Make it a point to make eye contact at every available moment. Sure, one or two times you'll make someone feel the discomfort that you are feeling. But it's brief. They'll get over it very quickly. But, you... you will become more and more comfortable making eye contact each time you do it. Until the point where you feel good and comfortable, and when you make eye contact with others, you'll make them feel good and comfortable too.

Trust me, man. I've been through the whole eye contact thing and what I said has worked for me. And I think it will work for you too. At the very least, it's worth a shot.

If anything, please don't ever hate yourself because eye contact is difficult. That's the worst reason to ever hate yourself, man.

Thank you, that does make sense that I'd get more comfortable doing it the more I do it. However, the setting may help you understand my dilemma: At work. I do not have a great rep at work, probably because of my noticeable social awkwardness I've had for the entire year and a half I've worked there. I've tried saying 'hi' to people I passed by when I felt like it, but it felt so unnatural and I think they themselves even noticed it was unnatural, and that makes them aware that it was forced. (That's probably what you meant when you said making the other person feel the discomfort too?).

But 1) The entire shift would find it odd if I started doing this more frequently. 2) I don't want to say 'hi' to certain people because I don't feel comfortable around them, but then I'd also feel bad being selective of who I say 'hi' to. What are your thoughts on this? 3) I feel like it'd come off as weird being the person who looks at you and then the only thing I say is 'hi'.

I will try it though. I think I am overthinking it. Ugh... I doubt this is going to go how I expect it to lol.

 

[vulcanlogician]

Thank you, that does make sense that I'd get more comfortable doing it the more I do it. However, the setting may help you understand my dilemma: At work. I do not have a great rep at work, probably because of my noticeable social awkwardness I've had for the entire year and a half I've worked there. I've tried saying 'hi' to people I passed by when I felt like it, but it felt so unnatural and I think they themselves even noticed it was unnatural, and that makes them aware that it was forced. (That's probably what you meant when you said making the other person feel the discomfort too?).

But 1) The entire shift would find it odd if I started doing this more frequently. 2) I don't want to say 'hi' to certain people because I don't feel comfortable around them, but then I'd also feel bad being selective of who I say 'hi' to. What are your thoughts on this? 3) I feel like it'd come off as weird being the person who looks at you and then the only thing I say is 'hi'.

I will try it though. I think I am overthinking it. Ugh... I doubt this is going to go how I expect it to lol.

You're only digging yourself in deeper, man. If the people you work with hold your social awkwardness against you, that's their problem not yours. I'm 43 years old. I've had a ton of negative experiences in my life. "Those few times that a person has awkwardly said hi to me" don't even make the top 100 of the worst things that have ever happened to me. The real immoral activity would be someone treating you as inferior simply because you are awkward or anxious. (Not that folks that do this are evil, it's often a socially instilled behavior.)

But I say go for it. Lock eyes with everyone. Intentionally try to say "hi" as awkwardly as you can. See what happens as a result.

 

[Quagmire]

So, does this mean that there could be something wrong with me when I feel that there is but when I feel like there's nothing wrong with me there might not be? How do I then pinpoint what is wrong with me so I can work on that?

I thought the choices were between, "there's something wrong with me" and "I am not so bad after all".

Usually when someone tells someone else, "There's something wrong with you" it's meant to be derisive, more of an insult than an assessment. They're implying that there's something fundamentally or critically wrong with the other person, not just, "You're a typically flawed human with stuff to work on, just like everybody else".

Same thing when we say it to ourselves, or I'm assuming so anyway, since the opposing statement you're using is "I am not so bad after all".

Anyway, my point was that either statement tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It may be that neither one is "real" since they're both just opinions, but how you interpret events, other people's reactions, etc. is going to depend a lot on which one you're telling yourself.