Just as a guess I would say, probably brothers and sisters.
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The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence
- Thread starter The Sum of Awe
- Start date
I knew I was opening myself up for a comment with that...Just as I guess I would say, probably brothers and sisters.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing for you.
Either one works for me!I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing for you.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I have a brother 2 hours away and a sister a half hour away
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Mood down. 4/10 for happiness. I feel hopeless again. It’s because I am intimidated by those who are funnier and wittier than I am. Who can speak more clearly without anxiety. I was so high on self esteem and today it came crashing down when I saw her laughing and chatting away all the while not giving a care that I exist. Why am I still feeling love for her? Why does my mind persist in seeing her as The One? How can I stop it? It makes me go so quiet yet I try to fight it, somewhat successfully. It brings my mood so low and I still love myself but I begin doubting that anybody else will.
Back and forth. Always up and then down. I honestly have to ask myself if lifevis worthwhile when I will never experience a romantic partnership. Is that pathetic? Is it so pathetic to want someone so close like that?
I’ll feel better soon, i always do. But i just wanted to vent. I wonder how long until i can get out of this loop
Back and forth. Always up and then down. I honestly have to ask myself if lifevis worthwhile when I will never experience a romantic partnership. Is that pathetic? Is it so pathetic to want someone so close like that?
I’ll feel better soon, i always do. But i just wanted to vent. I wonder how long until i can get out of this loop
*friendly frubal*
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I gotta just say what is the point of taking care of myself when I really feel so empty? I guess my answer is that I feel empty now but not always. But is life really worth living without love? Why try? Why not just give up? I honestly don’t even know what giving up would mean, hedonism? I’m not about that, it was very uncomfortable. I just feel like life is an endless treadmill and i prefer to run than to let it drag me backwards, but i often feel like I’ll never get the carrot at the end.
I suppose that’s where “one must imagine sisyphus happy” comes in.
And I know it sounds so exaggerated. Why would someone be this pathetic about not having love? Me still having feelings for a girl that doesn’t care about me is pathetic, I admit that. But i don’t even know how to get over it?
And i don’t really know what to do about the loveless situation. I might try tinder again but honestly I’m just not great at talking to people anyways.
I suppose that’s where “one must imagine sisyphus happy” comes in.
And I know it sounds so exaggerated. Why would someone be this pathetic about not having love? Me still having feelings for a girl that doesn’t care about me is pathetic, I admit that. But i don’t even know how to get over it?
And i don’t really know what to do about the loveless situation. I might try tinder again but honestly I’m just not great at talking to people anyways.
Maybe stop seeing yourself as one of the contestants and just settle for being a member of the audience for a while. I can guarantee you'll relax. And if someone really is funnier or wittier than you than just stop, listen and learn. If you allow yourself to appreciate other people's talents you're much more likely to pick up some of it for yourself just by osmosis.
An added bonus: if all the other guys in a room are competing with each other and you're just sitting there watching and enjoying the contest, a lot (a lot) of people will mistake that for self-assurance.
My guess is that it's because she's "The One" who you've put in charge of your self-esteem atm. IF she's rejected you, most likely you have this image in your mind of who you think you would have to be in order for her to accept you, and you're looking for clues by noting who and what she's paying positive attention to.
You're trying to put together a schematic of who you should be based on what you think she wants.
If that's it, then whatever that is, it isn't love (sorry).
(still just guessing but. . . ) I think you're in love with the idea that this person could cure all of your insecurities by granting her approval. And maybe she could, for about 5 minutes. Of course the price for that 5 minutes of approval would be that you would pretty much be her slave emotionally from then on.
By being honest with yourself about what this is.
No, but I think it's probably inaccurate.
Hopefully no where near as long as it always took me.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Thank you Quagmire, that was pretty enlightening. I think you are right about that. I want to be funnier to impress her. I do hate that I am boring and objective about things though. But i like what you said about being in the audience and trying to observe, learn.Maybe stop seeing yourself as one of the contestants and just settle for being a member of the audience for a while. I can guarantee you'll relax. And if someone really is funnier or wittier than you than just stop, listen and learn. If you allow yourself to appreciate other people's talents you're much more likely to pick up some of it for yourself just by osmosis.
An added bonus: if all the other guys in a room are competing with each other and you're just sitting there watching and enjoying the contest, a lot (a lot) of people will mistake that for self-assurance.
My guess is that it's because she's "The One" who you've put in charge of your self-esteem atm. IF she's rejected you, most likely you have this image in your mind of who you think you would have to be in order for her to accept you, and you're looking for clues by noting who and what she's paying positive attention to.
You're trying to put together a schematic of who you should be based on what you think she wants.
If that's it, then whatever that is, it isn't love (sorry).
(still just guessing but. . . ) I think you're in love with the idea that this person could cure all of your insecurities by granting her approval. And maybe she could, for about 5 minutes. Of course the price for that 5 minutes of approval would be that you would pretty much be her slave emotionally from then on.
By being honest with yourself about what this is.
No, but I think it's probably inaccurate.
Hopefully no where near as long as it always took me.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Do you mind if i ask what you mean by that? Do you have a story related to this?Hopefully no where near as long as it always took me.
There are a few.
The one I have in mind is going to take awhile to type out though (I might have to make it a two-parter)..
OK
1996 and 1997 I got involved in two truly ego-deflating relationships back to back.
It really knocked my legs out from under me (one leg for each relationship I guess). It really wasn't like me either, or so I thought.
At that point in my life it had been years since I was even seriously interested in a woman, let alone obsessed: which is a fair description of my mindset in regards to each of these women.
If it weren't for the fact that all of this just happened to coincide with the period in my life when I was most financially solvent I'm not sure how I could have gotten through it, since work was pretty much out of the question considering the state of mind I was in.
So, I got a room in a house up in the mountains, far away from everybody and everything and spent most of my time riding around aimlessly on my motorcycle during the day and staring at the ceiling all night trying to figure out what went wrong.
At one point I tried journaling about it (which means I substituted a computer screen for the ceiling), again, trying to figure out what happened.
I had spent a lot of time in 12 step meetings from 1986 to 1998 (I was never had any substance abuse problems. . . my AA years are a whole nother story) and hanging out with 12 step people, so I was familiar with the steps and in particular the idea that the best approach to take when trying to think your way out of a crisis is to try and figure out what it is about you that got you there in the fist place: what was your part in causing the chaos? What were your motives? What were you trying to get? What character defects were you manifesting? How do they make you susceptible to getting into these kinds of situations?
Basically: to what extent and in what ways was all this my fault?
I couldn't figure it out. No matter what angle I looked at each of these relationships, it always seemed to me like I was the one who got burned.
Then one night about 3am I was there typing on the computer trying to figure it out when I suddenly had enough, threw up my hands and said, "Why the #!$!~ am I even doing this? I never liked these people anyway??"
Well, there it was. If you took the obsessions away, if you took away the desire to fix or save them, and especially if you took away the fact that somewhere along the line I had made each of these women responsible for how I felt about myself, there really wasn't much left.
That's what I was doing wrong: I was trying to get involved with women who I fundamentally didn't like or trust as people. How was that going to turn out well?
It was all about my self-esteem. And if I was honest with myself, I was using them too.
They were just better at it than I was.
1996 and 1997 I got involved in two truly ego-deflating relationships back to back.
It really knocked my legs out from under me (one leg for each relationship I guess). It really wasn't like me either, or so I thought.
At that point in my life it had been years since I was even seriously interested in a woman, let alone obsessed: which is a fair description of my mindset in regards to each of these women.
If it weren't for the fact that all of this just happened to coincide with the period in my life when I was most financially solvent I'm not sure how I could have gotten through it, since work was pretty much out of the question considering the state of mind I was in.
So, I got a room in a house up in the mountains, far away from everybody and everything and spent most of my time riding around aimlessly on my motorcycle during the day and staring at the ceiling all night trying to figure out what went wrong.
At one point I tried journaling about it (which means I substituted a computer screen for the ceiling), again, trying to figure out what happened.
I had spent a lot of time in 12 step meetings from 1986 to 1998 (I was never had any substance abuse problems. . . my AA years are a whole nother story) and hanging out with 12 step people, so I was familiar with the steps and in particular the idea that the best approach to take when trying to think your way out of a crisis is to try and figure out what it is about you that got you there in the fist place: what was your part in causing the chaos? What were your motives? What were you trying to get? What character defects were you manifesting? How do they make you susceptible to getting into these kinds of situations?
Basically: to what extent and in what ways was all this my fault?
I couldn't figure it out. No matter what angle I looked at each of these relationships, it always seemed to me like I was the one who got burned.
Then one night about 3am I was there typing on the computer trying to figure it out when I suddenly had enough, threw up my hands and said, "Why the #!$!~ am I even doing this? I never liked these people anyway??"
Well, there it was. If you took the obsessions away, if you took away the desire to fix or save them, and especially if you took away the fact that somewhere along the line I had made each of these women responsible for how I felt about myself, there really wasn't much left.
That's what I was doing wrong: I was trying to get involved with women who I fundamentally didn't like or trust as people. How was that going to turn out well?
It was all about my self-esteem. And if I was honest with myself, I was using them too.
They were just better at it than I was.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Interesting story. So you never truly liked them? You just convinced yourself that you did for your own self esteem, am I understanding that right? Could i ask what the relationships were like? I hope I’m not hitting a sensitive or personal spot asking these things.OK
1996 and 1997 I got involved in two truly ego-deflating relationships back to back.
It really knocked my legs out from under me (one leg for each relationship I guess). It really wasn't like me either, or so I thought.
At that point in my life it had been years since I was even seriously interested in a woman, let alone obsessed: which is a fair description of my mindset in regards to each of these women.
If it weren't for the fact that all of this just happened to coincide with the period in my life when I was most financially solvent I'm not sure how I could have gotten through it, since work was pretty much out of the question considering the state of mind I was in.
So, I got a room in a house up in the mountains, far away from everybody and everything and spent most of my time riding around aimlessly on my motorcycle during the day and staring at the ceiling all night trying to figure out what went wrong.
At one point I tried journaling about it (which means I substituted a computer screen for the ceiling), again, trying to figure out what happened.
I had spent a lot of time in 12 step meetings from 1986 to 1998 (I was never had any substance abuse problems. . . my AA years are a whole nother story) and hanging out with 12 step people, so I was familiar with the steps and in particular the idea that the best approach to take when trying to think your way out of a crisis is to try and figure out what it is about you that got you there in the fist place: what was your part in causing the chaos? What were your motives? What were you trying to get? What character defects were you manifesting? How do they make you susceptible to getting into these kinds of situations?
Basically: to what extent and in what ways was all this my fault?
I couldn't figure it out. No matter what angle I looked at each of these relationships, it always seemed to me like I was the one who got burned.
Then one night about 3am I was there typing on the computer trying to figure it out when I suddenly had enough, threw up my hands and said, "Why the #!$!~ am I even doing this? I never liked these people anyway??"
Well, there it was. If you took the obsessions away, if you took away the desire to fix or save them, and especially if you took away the fact that somewhere along the line I had made each of these women responsible for how I felt about myself, there really wasn't much left.
That's what I was doing wrong: I was trying to get involved with women who I fundamentally didn't like or trust as people. How was that going to turn out well?
It was all about my self-esteem. And if I was honest with myself, I was using them too.
They were just better at it than I was.
I think it's more that I never stopped to consider whether or not I did.
In both cases they had pursued me, which was great for my ego to begin with. Then, in both cases, not long after meeting them I was hearing things like, "You're the first person I've ever known who really gets me!" "I walk around thinking about you all the time"! or "I've never known anybody like you! It's like you can see right through me!!" (that one is kind of ironic since it came from a woman who, as it turns out, was a lesbian who was using me to make her girlfriend jealous. )" and other such grandiose expressions of near-worship that I ate up with a spoon.
I used to like telling people, "Women think I'm Jesus Christ: the sick ones follow me around expecting me to heal them, then when they find out I can't, they just crucify me".
Chaotic kind of sums it up.
edit: I'll go into more detail if you want but I'm at the uni atm and my computer time is about up.
If you don't mind my asking, are you friends with any women?
I'm asking because I used to be extremely shy and awkward around women after almost two decades of living in gender-segregated Saudi Arabia, but a few things have helped me resolve that to the point where it is now a thing of the past, and one of those things has been befriending women and not placing any romantic pressure or expectations on myself or on them. I've found that these friendships can teach one a lot of things that apply to all other kinds of social interactions, too.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Not really. I have trouble making friends in general. I have friends from the past but I used to be very reckless and disrespectful. I seem to not be able to create friendship bonds anymore ever since I started trying to be more considerate of others and watching what I say.
Not saying that’s the reason I lost the ability, but it’s the only noticeable change I can think of since now and then.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
Sorry that you went through that.I think it's more that I never stopped to consider whether or not I did.
In both cases they had pursued me, which was great for my ego to begin with. Then, in both cases, not long after meeting them I was hearing things like, "You're the first person I've ever known who really gets me!" "I walk around thinking about you all the time"! or "I've never known anybody like you! It's like you can see right through me!!" (that one is kind of ironic since it came from a woman who, as it turns out, was a lesbian who was using me to make her girlfriend jealous. )" and other such grandiose expressions of near-worship that I ate up with a spoon.
I used to like telling people, "Women think I'm Jesus Christ: the sick ones follow me around expecting me to heal them, then when they find out I can't, they just crucify me".
Chaotic kind of sums it up.
edit: I'll go into more detail if you want but I'm at the uni atm and my computer time is about up.
I struggle with it, too.
I often find people bond more over their flaws than their virtues, but I'm not sure why this is so.
The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
That’s interesting. I guess I have to learn my flaws more I have always avoided them or tried to overcome them