The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[JustGeorge]

To be honest I don’t know. I guess there are some people I can never picture myself being comfortable around for some reason, even if they’re good people. Maybe this has a lot to do with her having asked me out and us having went on two dates.

That makes things a little awkward. Is she pressing for more dates?

I often think I find that sweet spot where I am comfortable in my own skin, but then I lose it rather quickly. It often boils down to me feeling guilty or ashamed of me not being talkative or welcoming, unless someone initiates something with me then I am nice and receptive. There are other insecurities that drag me out of comfort in my own skin as well, such as me not being assertive. I don’t have any idea how to do that, so I kinda just avoid conflict or get nervous in the middle of conflict. I am not good at explaining my side.

Generally speaking, how do you feel about yourself?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

That makes things a little awkward. Is she pressing for more dates?

Well the second one happened last week, and she asked if I’d want to go out to eat because she’d come up my way. I figured sure why not? I thought it was fairly well established that we are just friends and she is not pushing anything. There’s really no reason why I should be nervous she respects my boundaries.

Generally speaking, how do you feel about yourself?

I love myself for who I am. I have good morals, I am a fighter, I like my personality (i am myself after all lol). I just dislike that I am very misunderstood and I cant seem to express myself properly

 

[JustGeorge]

Well the second one happened last week, and she asked if I’d want to go out to eat because she’d come up my way. I figured sure why not? I thought it was fairly well established that we are just friends and she is not pushing anything. There’s really no reason why I should be nervous she respects my boundaries.



I love myself for who I am. I have good morals, I am a fighter, I like my personality (i am myself after all lol). I just dislike that I am very misunderstood and I cant seem to express myself properly

Always good to have a friend. If she's respecting your boundaries, she's probably content to stay your friend.

Glad to hear you like who you are.

Being misunderstood isn't really a failing of yours. What do folks tend to misunderstand about you?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Always good to have a friend. If she's respecting your boundaries, she's probably content to stay your friend.

Glad to hear you like who you are.

Being misunderstood isn't really a failing of yours. What do folks tend to misunderstand about you?

I don’t know if people misunderstand or not to be honest, I guess that’s just how I feel. It’s hard for me to understand what The Problem is, the thing that keeps bringing me down. But I suppose if I had to pinpoint it, the one person on this Earth that I really care if they like me, I might still like her too much and maybe therefore I cannot be friends with her. I feel like she tests me because she can see it, that I still like her that way. I haven’t disrespected her boundaries since a few months ago when I apologized for asking her out. Ever since I feel as though I am being yo-yo’d, when I talk to her more and things are going fine she will start to ignore me. Then when I back off she will start talking to me again. Maybe this is a sign that it is frustrating me and I don’t know what to do. I suppose moving on is the only thing, but it is hard when we work together. But I’ve been (once again) backing off and not saying hi every time i see her. I’ve toned down the excitement in my conversations with her. I’m just going to be consistent with this and see what happens. I’ll probably be hurt when she doesn’t seem to care, because in the back of my mind I keep hoping she will come back after I let her go, and maybe that’s the glue that’s holding it there.

Without her though, there’s not really many people I’ve really felt so fulfilled having had conversation with though and I fear I will be socially hollow for a long time without her. I will once again become comfortable with my solitude and have no reason to escape.

I apologize if that was long

 

[JustGeorge]

I don’t know if people misunderstand or not to be honest, I guess that’s just how I feel. It’s hard for me to understand what The Problem is, the thing that keeps bringing me down. But I suppose if I had to pinpoint it, the one person on this Earth that I really care if they like me, I might still like her too much and maybe therefore I cannot be friends with her. I feel like she tests me because she can see it, that I still like her that way. I haven’t disrespected her boundaries since a few months ago when I apologized for asking her out. Ever since I feel as though I am being yo-yo’d, when I talk to her more and things are going fine she will start to ignore me. Then when I back off she will start talking to me again. Maybe this is a sign that it is frustrating me and I don’t know what to do. I suppose moving on is the only thing, but it is hard when we work together. But I’ve been (once again) backing off and not saying hi every time i see her. I’ve toned down the excitement in my conversations with her. I’m just going to be consistent with this and see what happens. I’ll probably be hurt when she doesn’t seem to care, because in the back of my mind I keep hoping she will come back after I let her go, and maybe that’s the glue that’s holding it there.

Without her though, there’s not really many people I’ve really felt so fulfilled having had conversation with though and I fear I will be socially hollow for a long time without her. I will once again become comfortable with my solitude and have no reason to escape.

I apologize if that was long

That sounds really, really difficult.

Why did you apologize for asking her out? That doesn't sound like you did anything wrong...

That does make things more difficult when you work together... And when you're around someone you have feelings for, especially if they're not reciprocated, it tends to make one's brain go all over the place...

I hope you do find your comfortable place again soon.

And don't apologize. That wasn't long.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

That sounds really, really difficult.

Why did you apologize for asking her out? That doesn't sound like you did anything wrong...

That does make things more difficult when you work together... And when you're around someone you have feelings for, especially if they're not reciprocated, it tends to make one's brain go all over the place...

I hope you do find your comfortable place again soon.

And don't apologize. That wasn't long.

Well, I went the entire first six months of that year avoiding asking her out. She was and is in a relationship that I’ve heard she had and still has issues with. I didn’t realize at the time why it was wrong for me to ask her out while she was in a relationship, I just knew not to do it. After I did things turned awkward and I apologized. That’s the simple version, but trickle a lot of awkward moments before and after then that’s the reason I felt the need to apologize.

I appreciate the sympathy. It really hasn’t been easy. And I felt incredibly selfish for these feelings for the longest time on top of it, but I think that it’s natural that having a crush can feel selfish.

One thing that keeps me optimistic is the thought that if I hadn’t experienced this then perhaps if I’m ever caught in a similar scenario I’ll have a better idea on how to act.

 

[JustGeorge]

Well, I went the entire first six months of that year avoiding asking her out. She was and is in a relationship that I’ve heard she had and still has issues with. I didn’t realize at the time why it was wrong for me to ask her out while she was in a relationship, I just knew not to do it. After I did things turned awkward and I apologized. That’s the simple version, but trickle a lot of awkward moments before and after then that’s the reason I felt the need to apologize.

I appreciate the sympathy. It really hasn’t been easy. And I felt incredibly selfish for these feelings for the longest time on top of it, but I think that it’s natural that having a crush can feel selfish.

One thing that keeps me optimistic is the thought that if I hadn’t experienced this then perhaps if I’m ever caught in a similar scenario I’ll have a better idea on how to act.

I guess that is a little awkward.

You're not selfish, you were just trying to navigate a situation in which you were unfamiliar with.

I like your optimism, though.

 

[MonkeyFire]

Confidence is belief in self specifically one’s own stature, and love is belief in someone else, Creating a middle way. Simply believe in both.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I think that I want to be assertive next time someone says something in a rude way, maybe I will say “could you say that nicer?” I feel like that’s a good start and I am doing it for me.

I am terrified that it won’t turn out like I hope and perhaps they will become even more bitter. What should I do then?

 

[JustGeorge]

I think that I want to be assertive next time someone says something in a rude way, maybe I will say “could you say that nicer?” I feel like that’s a good start and I am doing it for me.

I am terrified that it won’t turn out like I hope and perhaps they will become even more bitter. What should I do then?

If you already have to tell the person to be nice, I don't think I'd worry much about their opinion going forward. If they want to be bitter because you have requested they not be an *** to you, that's their problem, not yours.

Its also highly likely they won't like being put on the spot, and they will either make a point to be nicer, or they will just avoid you more. Either way, that doesn't sound bad.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I have suspected this for a while, but I wanted to wait for further evidence to confirm, and I am fairly certain it’s the case now and I am not delusional. My ex crush is trying to get a rise out of me in subtle ways. I can go into details if it matters, but for now I will just say I am able to ignore it, but inside it does cause me stress and anxiety. I feel my heart beat at night, and my ears ring, signs of high blood pressure. This is not good. I was thinking about taking up meditating to counter act this, but I don’t know how effective that would be. Any advice would be helpful.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I have suspected this for a while, but I wanted to wait for further evidence to confirm, and I am fairly certain it’s the case now and I am not delusional. My ex crush is trying to get a rise out of me in subtle ways. I can go into details if it matters, but for now I will just say I am able to ignore it, but inside it does cause me stress and anxiety. I feel my heart beat at night, and my ears ring, signs of high blood pressure. This is not good. I was thinking about taking up meditating to counter act this, but I don’t know how effective that would be. Any advice would be helpful.

Set boundaries in a direct and clear manner. If something causes you distress or discomfort, tell her that it does and ask her to respect your limits.

Nothing can replace healthy communication, although meditation is a great habit to pick up either way.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Set boundaries in a direct and clear manner. If something causes you distress or discomfort, tell her that it does and ask her to respect your limits.

Nothing can replace healthy communication, although meditation is a great habit to pick up either way.

Unfortunately I do not believe communication will get me very far in this case, other than denial. There are no boundaries being crossed exactly.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I'm more accepting now that I'm a calm and collected person. The ideas that I'm emotionless or supposed to be more enthusiastic, humorous, etc. - they're exaggerated thoughts and I'm comparing myself to very funny people or very charismatic people, I'm not as bad as I think. There's nothing wrong with me. I've been feeling very confident lately, I needn't anyone to like me. I truly do like myself.

As far as my loneliness goes, well, my therapist suggested I should find some community to open up a window of more opportunities. But I look at my options and I'm not very certain. I'm still somewhat banking on Chance to let me naturally "bump into" somebody without me having to start a gym membership or go to a church or start a part time job... I still go to cafes and initiate small talk (it never has went beyond that yet, though) so that must increase my chances of meeting someone to some degree, right?

Hmm... My loneliness is tolerable, it just gets to me maybe a couple times a day when I become aware of the quietness in the house. I do enjoy my personal time and fill it with activities, so I wonder how much having that 'extra person' around would really make me less lonely/bored anyways in those moments. -- So I'll have to do some thinking on this. I think I could survive another summer alone, and in fact find joyful moments in it. My only worry is, when I'm older, regretting making the decision to keep to myself rather than be more social.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Another thing is; I've always felt there was something wrong with me for not being a social butterfly, or having trouble making friends. In reality, I think this isn't necessarily true. As long as I'm happy with my life, does it really matter?

But then the question that comes to my mind is: am I only happy because I'm in my comfort bubble and not trying to escape it? Is there more I'm missing out on? Sometimes I do feel lonely, but overall I'm usually fairly happy, I think... I usually get stressed when I start worrying about the future; imagining that I'm doing something wrong or that I'll wind up alone forever. And I don't think even the latter is necessarily true, just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I'm destined to be single forever.

And the socially awkward thing? Who cares, that's something I accept about myself. I've tried and tried to become less socially awkward, and I made quite a bit of progress, but I can't expect to be socially perfect especially since I'm on the spectrum I have to expect mistakes. I'm a friendly kind and loving person. I keep a happy attitude in person, so I'm not a drag. I keep calm and collected and am pretty forgiving. The main thing for me is that I say stupid things sometimes, but ah well.

 

[Koldo]

Another thing is; I've always felt there was something wrong with me for not being a social butterfly, or having trouble making friends. In reality, I think this isn't necessarily true. As long as I'm happy with my life, does it really matter?

But then the question that comes to my mind is: am I only happy because I'm in my comfort bubble and not trying to escape it? Is there more I'm missing out on? Sometimes I do feel lonely, but overall I'm usually fairly happy, I think... I usually get stressed when I start worrying about the future; imagining that I'm doing something wrong or that I'll wind up alone forever. And I don't think even the latter is necessarily true, just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I'm destined to be single forever.

And the socially awkward thing? Who cares, that's something I accept about myself. I've tried and tried to become less socially awkward, and I made quite a bit of progress, but I can't expect to be socially perfect especially since I'm on the spectrum I have to expect mistakes. I'm a friendly kind and loving person. I keep a happy attitude in person, so I'm not a drag. I keep calm and collected and am pretty forgiving. The main thing for me is that I say stupid things sometimes, but ah well.

You wanted to be socially perfect...?
Sorry to burst bubble but this doesn't exist, to anyone. Have you ever hanged around social butteflies? Their lives are full of drama because of their relationships.

 

[JustGeorge]

Another thing is; I've always felt there was something wrong with me for not being a social butterfly, or having trouble making friends. In reality, I think this isn't necessarily true. As long as I'm happy with my life, does it really matter?

But then the question that comes to my mind is: am I only happy because I'm in my comfort bubble and not trying to escape it? Is there more I'm missing out on? Sometimes I do feel lonely, but overall I'm usually fairly happy, I think... I usually get stressed when I start worrying about the future; imagining that I'm doing something wrong or that I'll wind up alone forever. And I don't think even the latter is necessarily true, just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I'm destined to be single forever.

And the socially awkward thing? Who cares, that's something I accept about myself. I've tried and tried to become less socially awkward, and I made quite a bit of progress, but I can't expect to be socially perfect especially since I'm on the spectrum I have to expect mistakes. I'm a friendly kind and loving person. I keep a happy attitude in person, so I'm not a drag. I keep calm and collected and am pretty forgiving. The main thing for me is that I say stupid things sometimes, but ah well.

What's wrong with a comfort bubble and being happy in it? As long as one is able to function outside of it(and you are, you're doing wonderfully in caring for yourself), I don't see a problem with it. Most people don't enjoy every scenario out there, but there's nothing wrong with that. Its part of what makes us all unique.

At some point, I embraced socially awkward. I think that helped get me out of my shell a bit; not fighting it, but acknowledging it as part of who I am. Back at my old job, it was kind of a joke to see how uncomfortable I could make the newcomers... I didn't even have to do anything, other than be myself! (The longtime employees got a kick out of it.) It didn't go as bad as you'd think. Once folks got used to me, I was generally well liked.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

You wanted to be socially perfect...?
Sorry to burst bubble but this doesn't exist, to anyone. Have you ever hanged around social butteflies? Their lives are full of drama because of their relationships.

That is true. I think more humility in my flaws would be better than trying to fight them all. I’m glad I fought many of them, though, I used to not talk at all and was rather a cold unloving person. It has gotten to a point where I’ve changed the things I could, now I have to accept the things I cannot change and love them.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

What's wrong with a comfort bubble and being happy in it? As long as one is able to function outside of it(and you are, you're doing wonderfully in caring for yourself), I don't see a problem with it. Most people don't enjoy every scenario out there, but there's nothing wrong with that. Its part of what makes us all unique.

That’s a good point. I was just having a bit of a “grass is greener on the other side” thinking and was trying to force myself to that side.

At some point, I embraced socially awkward. I think that helped get me out of my shell a bit; not fighting it, but acknowledging it as part of who I am. Back at my old job, it was kind of a joke to see how uncomfortable I could make the newcomers... I didn't even have to do anything, other than be myself! (The longtime employees got a kick out of it.) It didn't go as bad as you'd think. Once folks got used to me, I was generally well liked.

Thank you for the laugh!

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I’ve really relaxed lately

got quieter though