Should I Forgive and Forget?

[Mister_T]

Back in November, I invited my close friends out to celebrate my birthday. 4 out of the 6 that RSVP'd and that told me they were going to show up, didn't, nor did they offer me an apology or offer to take me out at some other time. Mind you my friends have a tendency to be flakey (especially when they are occupied with women), but to be so on my b-day is unacceptable in my mind. No matter what, I've always made sure that I show up at their birthday events, even when I was going through severe depression.

Now these same friends are now inviting me to their b-day parties and I really don't think they deserve my company.

What do you guys think: Should I not hold a grudge and go to their parties? Or should I do what I feel like doing and tell them to take a hike?

 

[sandandfoam]

Don't hold a grudge but do what you feel like.

 

[Mister_T]

Don't hold a grudge but do what you feel like.

Wouldn't I be holding a grudge by not going?

 

[sandandfoam]

Wouldn't I be holding a grudge by not going?

Not necessarily, wouldn't you be simply allowing yourself the same freedom as your friends grant themselves ?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

You can realistically only forgive someone who expresses any kind of remorse for the grief their actions (or non-actions) put you through.

I'd say that if you want to keep them as friends, let bygones be bygones and go to their parties and have a good time. If you don't regard them as true friends anyway, then don't bother. Find something else to do that's more enjoyable.

Have you talked with them about it to give them an opportunity to explain themselves? In high school (yes, high school), three of my "friends" decided to plan a time where they'd sabotage one of my birthday parties. Then they told me after I asked them what was going on that this was the way to tell me that I was annoying them.

We parted ways right after. Seems like we just weren't a good mix.

Good luck, my dear. :hug:




Peace,
Mystic

 

[Wandered Off]

You can realistically only forgive someone who expresses any kind of remorse for the grief their actions (or non-actions) put you through.

Well this is one of those ever-so-rare occasions when I disagree with my favorite mystic. To forgive, in my view, is to alter your attitude such that their past actions no longer bother you (as opposed to saying that these actions are OK, which they aren't). You can let go of any attachment to those feelings so they do not harm you (Buddhist reference thrown in as deference to my guru) irrespective of any remorse on their part.

I'd say that if you want to keep them as friends, let bygones be bygones and go to their parties and have a good time. If you don't regard them as true friends anyway, then don't bother. Find something else to do that's more enjoyable.

Now I'm back to harmonious agreement with the wise one.

 

[Mister_T]

I'd say that if you want to keep them as friends, let bygones be bygones and go to their parties and have a good time. If you don't regard them as true friends anyway, then don't bother. Find something else to do that's more enjoyable.

I'm not really interested in keeping them as friends. Acquaintences is more along the lines I was thinking. I think the word "friend" is thrown around too friviously nowdays and it's a label that I am very particular about using.

Then they told me after I asked them what was going on that this was the way to tell me that I was annoying them.

I don't think I annoy them, but I could be wrong.

The ones that are now inviting me were occupied with women that night and were not willing to part with them. This isn't anything new with them, but like I said, it was on my birthday.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Depends on if you value their friendship.

 

[Smoke]

Or should I do what I feel like doing and tell them to take a hike?

You don't think their behavior is acceptable, and you feel like telling them to take a hike. I'm sure you can find something more interesting to do than go to their parties.

 

[Vasilisa Jade]

I would do exactly what they did as in... do what you want to do/ feel like doing at the moment that interests you. If that is thier party, then go. If there is something else that comes up, do that. And don't feel a bit bad about it!

Now... if they get upset about it, then you have some problems, as in... they suck. Then I would hold a grudge and say bye bye for good.

 

[PureX]

Since these folks just did what they wanted on the night of your birthday, I would say do the same on the night of theirs. So, if you feel like going, go and have fun. If you don't feel like it, then skip it. Apparently your relationships with these folks don't include any sort of expectation of responsibility. And that's fine. Now you know this. So do as you please.

 

[BucephalusBB]

Go.. And wear a shirt that says "I am better than you"..

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Well this is one of those ever-so-rare occasions when I disagree with my favorite mystic. To forgive, in my view, is to alter your attitude such that their past actions no longer bother you (as opposed to saying that these actions are OK, which they aren't). You can let go of any attachment to those feelings so they do not harm you (Buddhist reference thrown in as deference to my guru) irrespective of any remorse on their part.

I can concede to your point, Jerry. As an aside, I might appear to argue semantics if I were to say that it's perfectly acceptable to show understanding and compassion to these pinheads........er, "friends" :sorry1:..............but to actively forgive (IMO), the other party ought to first show vulnerability and open regret.

Now I'm back to harmonious agreement with the wise one.

Good boy. *pats head*




Peace,
Mystic

 

[tomspug]

Back in November, I invited my close friends out to celebrate my birthday. 4 out of the 6 that RSVP'd and that told me they were going to show up, didn't, nor did they offer me an apology or offer to take me out at some other time. Mind you my friends have a tendency to be flakey (especially when they are occupied with women), but to be so on my b-day is unacceptable in my mind. No matter what, I've always made sure that I show up at their birthday events, even when I was going through severe depression.

Now these same friends are now inviting me to their b-day parties and I really don't think they deserve my company.

What do you guys think: Should I not hold a grudge and go to their parties? Or should I do what I feel like doing and tell them to take a hike?

Either the friend is an *** or honestly wants your company. You decide.

 

[cardero]

Forgive but no one is asking you to forget. We are usually made to learn from these instances so forgetting would not benefit from these understandings.

 

[Draka]

I'd say do something else that night...and have fun. They obviously were having too much fun on their own to bother with you.

They don't really sound like friends to me anyway. I've had my share of "friends" that got down-graded to "acquaintances" as well. Once I found out how they really were when it came to friendship. No shame in that.

 

[JadeAngel]

and have never been invited to anyones birthday parties, nor have I ever had a birthday party for myself.

Anyway, I think you should do whatever you feel like doing at the time. You know if your over the grudge by then and you do feel like going, or if you still feel the effects of the grudge and you don't feel up to it. Indulge yourself in whatever feeling your having. But in the end holding a grudge for a long time only hurts the one whos holding it!

 

[Guitar's Cry]

Holding a grudge leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. And the dark side leads to a noisy respirator and sweaty black latex.

 

[Don Penguinoini]

Don't go, and if they ask you why, say, i had other things to do.

 

[Draka]

Holding a grudge leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. And the dark side leads to a noisy respirator and sweaty black latex.

Just what the heck are you doing poking around in my closet and bathroom anyway?