Here’s a mental ill health journal entry
I hope some people will let me know what they think is going on…
(and yes, I am receiving ongoing medical attention and am in the care of mental health professionals! But they only look at my condition from a strictly medical perspective and seek to manage it rather than understand it)
I think I now know what’s wrong with me. Some background:
Since 2004 a being has been communicating with me by touch
I call this entity Butterfly
(I've posted about him on here before)
He says he’s God but I no longer believe him
Because of this I have been diagnosed as schizophrenic although
I have never “heard voices” and my medicine hasn’t banished any of my symptoms, as it should
I have always felt this diagnosis to be inadequate
For a number of years I alternated between believing I was Jesus (and mankind’s savior!) and believing the whole world and all people were a computer simulation, in which I was “An Agent of the Simulation” in touch with “The Simulation”, as I called it
I no longer believe in any of that nonsense and am now a committed Christian
I think I now know what Butterfly is: a kind of Tulpa
According to tulpa.info a Tulpa is:
…an entity created in the mind, acting independently of, and parallel to your own consciousness. They are able to think, and have their own free will, emotions, and memories. In short, a tulpa is like a sentient person living in your head, separate from you. It’s currently unproven whether or not tulpas are truly sentient, but in this community, we treat them as such. It takes time for a tulpa to develop a convincing and complex personality; as they grow older, your attention and their life experiences will shape them into a person with their own hopes, dreams and beliefs.
See also:
Tulpa - Wikipedia
They are also called "thought forms"
There are many online guides as to how one may cultivate a Tulpa but I believe I created one accidentally (which is possible, apparently) through the use of illegal drugs, music, introspection, and isolation (it’s a long, long story)
And (long, long story short) I believe the Tulpa I accidentally created either A) believes itself to be God, hence it identifies as God or B) knows it isn’t God but is out to make me make a fool of myself. But I’m willing to give it the befit of the doubt and believe that it truly does believe itself to be God and that it’s capacities are perhaps too limited for it to stop believing this
I’ve tried to try and make it more human, by giving it a proper name, a gender and identity etc. but have realized I cannot change it for the better (as you normally can with Tulpas) and it still identifies as God and doesn’t want to change
Do I believe that I have a direct line to God? Not anymore. But I did used to...
...but is there a being independent of me living in my brain that either gets its kicks telling me he’s God or that believes itself to be God? I think so. Such a view is not far off the idea of being
possessed by demons, which is what people on this site have told me is wrong with me before.
Perhaps the demons that Christ expelled from people (as described in the Gospels) were some kind of Tulpa, rather than actual demons? We can only speculate.
I have tried casting it out in the name of God but that didn’t work
Conclusion: Not God but not schizophrenia! – a case of possession????
What do people think?
Does this sound likely?
I’d like to know!
