My darkest hour

[EnhancedSpirit]

(I mailed the following letter to a friend today, so I am reaching out for help, but I have known you guys for over a year now, and feel as if you are my friends, and I really need friends right now, so I'm going to share this with you)

I have been having some very scary thoughts. And I really need to talk to someone about it. And it has to be someone who understands how I feel. I keep wondering, if I killed myself (except for my kids), how long would it be before someone found me. And (except for my kids), who would care?
Usually I can dismiss such thoughts, but I just keep getting these overwhelming feelings of despair, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when the kids are gone. When I was ‘catching up’ with my old friend, he was so amazed, and said I had accomplished so much since I left Oklahoma, and to him I had a fulfilling life. Why do I feel like such a failure? I feel inadequate as a mother. I am so tired of being strong for everyone else, and having no one there for me when I feel weak. My parents think I’m a failure. My children are never satisfied, I always fall short of making them happy. I fall short of making anyone happy, including, most importantly, myself. Every night when I go to bed, I wish I would not wake up. I feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted. I am so tired of the pain, and disappointment in myself. I’m tired of all the demands life puts on me. I often wish I could sell all my stuff, and live on the beach somewhere, with no obligations, no responsibilities. No one to disappoint. I used to be so enthusiastic about life, now I find it very hard to be enthusiastic about anything. What have I become? How the hell did I get to this place? I know I’m far from perfect, and I always look for ways to improve myself as a person, I am a very generous and loving person. What happened to ‘you get what you put in?’ I have ‘given till it hurts’ and now I have nothing to give. I am not seeing anyone, because I have no desire to put my efforts into another relationship. I have nothing left to give. I have no desire to have my heart trashed yet again. Once you give your heart to someone, you do not get it back. And I have given out all I can spare, probably too much, or I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t want to be in a relationship until I can get through this. I do not want to be in a relationship until I am happy with myself. Even friendships, as long as I’m the strong one, and have something to give, it’s fine, but when I’m in need, who can I turn to? I just want the pain to go away. I want to be happy, genuinely happy and enthusiastic about life. Where can I get some of that? Do they sell it at Wal-Mart? I, by general definition, am successful, and prosperous. I have a car, a house, no debt except for monthly bills, I have lot’s of stuff, but none of it matters to me, a hurricane could take it all away today, I would not care. I do not feel successful, I do not feel prosperous. I’m swimming in a sea of despair, and there is no shoreline to swim to. I feel like I’m drowning in my tears. I am a failure to my friends, I am a failure to my ex’s, I am a failure to my parents, I am a failure to my children. I am a failure to myself. Why do I even try? How do I stop the hurt? The things in life that I used to enjoy, no longer hold any joy for me. I take my kids to the park, and watch them have fun, but I feel like an empty shell. I know I am not the best mom I can be, because the best mom, is a happy mom. And I can’t find my happiness. I feel like I’m just a lump of meat, taking up space. I feel like I would have more to give to the worms than I have to give to my children. I find my patience with them getting shorter and shorter, and they are suffering for it. I am seriously thinking about letting Andrew stay with his dad next year, because I just don’t feel I have the strength to do this anymore. I would rather die, than to keep feeling like this, and I have exhausted all ideas on how to get over it. When the kids are at John’s I try to go out, but I find myself wandering aimlessly around town, with nowhere to go. This feeling has been growing for years, and is now getting too heavy to bear.
I could keep going on and on, but I think you get the picture. And I feel like I’m being a burden to you for involving you with this, but I do not know who else to turn to. I don’t know who else would understand the kind of overwhelming despair I am feeling, and thought maybe you could talk me out of this.
I don’t know what else to say.

 

[Sunstone]

ES,this sounds like the classic symptoms of depression. Please see a professional about this. If you're depressed, that can be difficult to do. Very difficult. But you must bring yourself to do it, for your own and your kid's sake, if for nothing else. Please take care of yourself. My concern goes with you.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Thanks for telling us. Talking with a professional is the best thing now.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

I'll be sending you a PM. :hug: Please consider Phil's advice, too.

 

[Scarlett Wampus]

ES so sorry to hear that. Sunstone is right and that does sound like depression. That does not mean in any way that the underlying struggles that give rise to such depression are not the significant thing, because they certainly are, but depression makes them all the more difficult to get a handle on - they become overwhelming. See a professional for some help in dealing with it for sure, as well as what you're doing by reaching out to friends.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I’m swimming in a sea of despair, and there is no shoreline to swim to. I feel like I’m drowning in my tears. I am a failure to my friends, I am a failure to my ex’s, I am a failure to my parents, I am a failure to my children. I am a failure to myself. Why do I even try? How do I stop the hurt?

Depression is extremely common and curable. You owe it to yourself to do more than post these feelings on RF and see someone who is qualified to provide the councelling and medication that you need. My wife suffered from depression a few years ago, I took her to a doctor and she was on medication for a year - no problem. Her cousin killed himself from depression, and trust me, although he felt like a failure his suicide affected everyone in our family. It's been seven years and we still call his brother by his name.

 

[evearael]

You are a sweet, dear, beautiful and good woman. You are precious to so many people. Please get help. You are loved and you can get through this, just get help from a professional that can help you pull yourself up again. I'm sending lots of love and prayers your way. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Big hugs!

 

[Ori]

I know how you feel ES as i've had the same problems over the last couple of years.

Just try not to worry too much, it will pass, I know it's easy to say but you will start feeling better once you've had this bad patch.

You know my E-mail if you want to talk to me further.

Good luck.

 

[d.]

i have to concur with the others - some kind of professional is probably the only thing that will really help. you seem to me exhausted and depressed.

judging from what you describe, you have nothing to feel guilty about. nothing at all. on the contrary, i'd say.

 

[fromthe heart]

ES I can relate to your despair...I feel as the others do that you are possibly clinically depressed...that doesn't mean there is some fault in you it just means your chemistry went haywire on you and it's nothing you did to deserve it. A doctor can put you on some meds that will help you cope with this problem...I really ache in my heart for you and wish SO much to be able to reach out and just give you a big sisterly hug and tell you "It's NOT you" we are human and sometimes our bodies fail us and we need to reach out for help. PLEASE understand you ARE loved!!! You are NOT a failure!!! Your personal vision is just clouded by pain right now and if something happened to you it would hurt your kids so please DO take the loving advice given and see a doctor...It does help and it doesn't mean you are weak as a human.

Life can take these turns and when it does we NEED to reach out to those we love as you are doing by telling us all of your intense pain...I can assure you there is probably more than just a few of us who have had these horrible times to go through so YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Lean on us till this get's better for you...we all have sturdy shoulders and don't mind at all! I don't know what all is making you feel as you do but please understand that this world was meant to have you in it. You are precious as a friend and as a member of this forum...whether you are able to see it now you are also VERY precious to those who you feel you have failed. Perhaps they do not see you are really hurting...been in that situation as well. We are so intent on always giving and giving and giving until we feel spent completely but we aren't, we are just tired in our hearts and there seems to be no light in our hour of darkness but there IS light...I promise you there IS light. Please feel free to contact any of us here to assist you while you are hurting...and most of all remember YOU ARE LOVED...MORE THAN YOU REALIZE.

<<<HUGS>>>
I also will remember you in my prayers if that's ok?

 

[Nehustan]

I suffer from Schizoeffective disorder (Shizophrenia and Manic Depression), and deal with that empty feeling daily, you wanna talk about stuff, I'm happy to . :kissbette

 

[FFH]

Satan is working hard to destroy the lives of as many people as possible.

I know the powers of Satan and his angels. I have experienced their aweful grip to a degree that I know, in part, what it's like to exist in hell, and I've experience a certain dimmension of it's misery, particulary feelings of extreme isolation, lonliness, and other miseries hard to describe, but mostly an emptiness of heart, a lack of feeling, a lack of color (everything being in a grey scale) absolutely no color whatsoever, a darkness as at night, with small amounts of light, but enough to realize that you can get out of there.

The feelings you feel now are real, and will be the same feelings you will feel, in the next life, if you take your own life. Taking one's life only creates more misery for yourself, and for those left behind. You must determine to live out your life, and seek the will of God everyday, and every hour of the remainder of your life.

Christ is coming soon, very soon, and good things await those who are expecting his soon return.

You must live out your life, Satan is the one who wants to take your life, and make it his own, don't listen to his aweful voice. He only wants to steal, kill, and destroy. He laughs when we do his will. Satan is real, and will bind all those who listen and obey his voice.

 

[joeboonda]

Yeah, life just seems to really suck sometimes doesn't it? I get depressed too, so do many folks I know. We get down cause we work too hard, have too much pain, stress, heartache over things, etc. I know this may sound cliche, but I heard that dispair looks down, worry looks 'round, and faith looks up. So, I try (try) to look up, and not down, although it does seem almost impossible to do at times. It is true, that Satan's most worn down, most used, tool, yet his most secret tool is discouragement. He wants us to think we are nobodies, failures, paupers, when in fact we are children of the King. We are His adopted children, whom He loves, and will never cast out, nor let anything pluck us out, for He is greater than all including our own selves, and will never leave us nor forsake us. He knows exactly how much you hurt and cares deeply for you. He knows we are just humans, weak, frightened, lonely, frail, full of doubts, too hard on ourselves, forgiven but not forgiving ourselves, listening to the lies of those around us and of Satan, telling us we are failures and life is not worth living. But it is, and those are lies. Jesus does love us, he does understand, even if we don't, and He does not see us as failures or anything but His Lovely, Forgiven, Righteous (with His righteousness), Adopted, Sealed, Children Whom He has bought and paid for. You are mine He says, I love you, I will never leave you, I WILL wipe all tears from your eyes, you WILL understand one day, although for now you may be overwhelmed with dispair, you will have abundant life, maybe not easy, but it will be better, and definetely not 'heaven on earth', the Bible does not promise that, but one day you will enter into the joy of the Lord forever and ever. The Bible promises us so much, its hard to see sometimes, but this too will pass, it will get better. I hope you have some friends around you that are Christians that you can hang out with, and talk to, do things with, it really helps to have that fellowship. We need to encourage each other, and you know how much good it does just to have a laugh with a friend or a talk or whatever. Just don't feel so bad, you are not a failure!!! That is just a lie. I or any of us can look at our past and what 'other' people say to us, and begin believing we are failures, but we are not. We are a work in progress, but before that, we are a new creation in Christ. Everytime we ever have had a stumble or fall, He is the one who has picked us up, gotten us through somehow. And, He has a BAD memory. He forgets it and He is only looking ahead for you, not remembering what we were or even where we are, but at what we are already in Him and what we are becoming, though we may not even realize the transformations that are taking place in us. Oh, He loves you! He is closer than you know, even if you can't feel it. But we trust the promises in His Word, and not our feelings which can be deceptive, eh? Jesus loves you, He loves you, He loves you, no matter what, and there is nothing you can do about it!!! I will shut up now, I hope somehow this encourages you. We all need it pretty much all the time anyway, so we may as well do it as often as we can, huh? Encouragement, friends, maybe some wine, a pill if the doc says so, but most of all Jesus. Okay, I will shut up. I will say a prayer for you everytime this pops back into my little head.

Mike

 

[MaddLlama]

Remember, it's always darkest before the dawn.

 

[Comet]

(I mailed the following letter to a friend today, so I am reaching out for help, but I have known you guys for over a year now, and feel as if you are my friends, and I really need friends right now, so I'm going to share this with you)

I have been having some very scary thoughts. And I really need to talk to someone about it. And it has to be someone who understands how I feel. I keep wondering, if I killed myself (except for my kids), how long would it be before someone found me. And (except for my kids), who would care?
Usually I can dismiss such thoughts, but I just keep getting these overwhelming feelings of despair, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when the kids are gone. When I was ‘catching up’ with my old friend, he was so amazed, and said I had accomplished so much since I left Oklahoma, and to him I had a fulfilling life. Why do I feel like such a failure? I feel inadequate as a mother. I am so tired of being strong for everyone else, and having no one there for me when I feel weak. My parents think I’m a failure. My children are never satisfied, I always fall short of making them happy. I fall short of making anyone happy, including, most importantly, myself. Every night when I go to bed, I wish I would not wake up. I feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted. I am so tired of the pain, and disappointment in myself. I’m tired of all the demands life puts on me. I often wish I could sell all my stuff, and live on the beach somewhere, with no obligations, no responsibilities. No one to disappoint. I used to be so enthusiastic about life, now I find it very hard to be enthusiastic about anything. What have I become? How the hell did I get to this place? I know I’m far from perfect, and I always look for ways to improve myself as a person, I am a very generous and loving person. What happened to ‘you get what you put in?’ I have ‘given till it hurts’ and now I have nothing to give. I am not seeing anyone, because I have no desire to put my efforts into another relationship. I have nothing left to give. I have no desire to have my heart trashed yet again. Once you give your heart to someone, you do not get it back. And I have given out all I can spare, probably too much, or I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I don’t want to be in a relationship until I can get through this. I do not want to be in a relationship until I am happy with myself. Even friendships, as long as I’m the strong one, and have something to give, it’s fine, but when I’m in need, who can I turn to? I just want the pain to go away. I want to be happy, genuinely happy and enthusiastic about life. Where can I get some of that? Do they sell it at Wal-Mart? I, by general definition, am successful, and prosperous. I have a car, a house, no debt except for monthly bills, I have lot’s of stuff, but none of it matters to me, a hurricane could take it all away today, I would not care. I do not feel successful, I do not feel prosperous. I’m swimming in a sea of despair, and there is no shoreline to swim to. I feel like I’m drowning in my tears. I am a failure to my friends, I am a failure to my ex’s, I am a failure to my parents, I am a failure to my children. I am a failure to myself. Why do I even try? How do I stop the hurt? The things in life that I used to enjoy, no longer hold any joy for me. I take my kids to the park, and watch them have fun, but I feel like an empty shell. I know I am not the best mom I can be, because the best mom, is a happy mom. And I can’t find my happiness. I feel like I’m just a lump of meat, taking up space. I feel like I would have more to give to the worms than I have to give to my children. I find my patience with them getting shorter and shorter, and they are suffering for it. I am seriously thinking about letting Andrew stay with his dad next year, because I just don’t feel I have the strength to do this anymore. I would rather die, than to keep feeling like this, and I have exhausted all ideas on how to get over it. When the kids are at John’s I try to go out, but I find myself wandering aimlessly around town, with nowhere to go. This feeling has been growing for years, and is now getting too heavy to bear.
I could keep going on and on, but I think you get the picture. And I feel like I’m being a burden to you for involving you with this, but I do not know who else to turn to. I don’t know who else would understand the kind of overwhelming despair I am feeling, and thought maybe you could talk me out of this.
I don’t know what else to say.

What I have to say may not make much sence, but know that I too have felt that way in my life. (for me) The turning point came when I realized something I had never figured out before....... "I have my own mountain" There is always a mountain to climb, always another mountain beyond the one we have just had to climb. Sometimes we climb because we HAVE to and sometimes because we are curious and WANT to. The problem I saw in my life was that once I got over a mountain, I had another one I was forced to face...... the problem I saw in others was that once they climbed their mountain, they would see another and run off to climb that one.

When I feel very down, I go and I take a walk. I will walk till I find the first hill I come to. When I reach the top I will sit.... and sit..... and sit... I will think about what it took me to climb this hill, how many others had been forced to climb this hill, how many others were intimidated and never climbed this hill, and how I am finally on top of this hill. I will then just look - so many other hills out there I haven't climbed and so many I have climbed before / so much life crawling beneath where I sit that I never noticed before, so much life in the sky with the passing clouds that I never take the time to truly look at anymore.......

Yes, there is always a new moutain we are forced to face. Yet, I have conquered many mountains before. Does it ever end? YES- find your mountain and sit content with all that is there, not with all the other troubles that are meaningless when you are content with things.

Do what you must to find this contentment, for it is not "settling" at all - it is understanding.

I was with/married to a manic-depressive for 5 years. I understand depression more than most people because it effected my life greatly! You keep mentioning your kids......... don't effect them like my ex-wife effected me...... GET HELP IF YOU TRULY NEED IT, THE FIRST STEP IS TALKING ABOUT IT! You have done that already........ may peace find you and may you find "your mountain".

 

[Bishka]

Like everyone else, said, it's depression. There was a time in my life I felt that same exact way, but there is no need to. You'll be okay, I'll be

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

Ok, I called Feathers, earlier this evening, and had a great talk and a bit of a cry. Then I came and read your posts, and you all had me crying so hard, I could not even think about responding. The kids are at a friends for the night, so I let it out. Cried till I couldn't cry anymore. Then I got on my bike and went for a late night bike ride. The cool night air felt so nice. I thought it would help me sleep, but when I got into bed, I just tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep. So, here I am. I don't mean to scare you guys. And I don't think I could bring myself to actually do anything to hurt myself, part of me feels like the only reason I say that is because my kids are here. But they are going with their dad for the summer, and I have to get over this by then.

I know by making my feelings public, I am even less likely to do anything about it. I know it's very dangerous to keep these kind of thoughts to myself. I have a lot to do tomorrow and really should try to get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know that if you don't see me tomorrow, it's because I'm out and about.

Thank you so much, everybody, you really did make me cry, and it's because I got a huge dose of love from you guys, and maybe that's just what I need. That kind of medicine I would take for the rest of my life.

 

[lunamoth]

Hi ES,

Just wanted to say that I think you've gotten some good advice about seeking help for possible depression. Perhaps you have a friend in a medical profession who might help you make contact with a counselor? Your beautiful and gentle spirit shines in your posts. Keeping you in my prayers, lunamoth.

 

[Bishka]

Sorry about the last post of mine Teri. My keyboard decided to stop working half way through.

I'm so sorry, one thing that I find that helps is exercise and sunshine (if at all possible). Try not to think about it, but I'm here for you if you need, I suffer from manic-depressive disorder (bipolar), and so sort of feel ya. I'll be praying for you.

 

[kreeden]

This feeling has been growing for years

ES , that statement has me more concerned then all the rest . There are many forms of depression , but long term depression can be the hardest to spot and deal with as it comes upon us a little at a time and just builds so slowly over time that we tend to get use to it .

Take care . And if you are a failure of any kind , then hell , most of us have never even gotten off the starting line . I know that doesn't help , but we have to focus on what we have done , not on what we haven't ... You I believe that you are a caring and a very " giving " person . Just remember that it is ok to take now and then , ok ???