Katzpur
Not your average Mormon
This is a rant. That's all it is. I'm just at my breaking point and can't handle much more unless I am somehow able to convince myself that none of what's bothering me really matters.
Maybe it's time for me to stop caring that there are some people here on RF who are going to hate me no matter what. I'm not talking about people who are anti-Mormon. I'm talking about people who are "anti-Kathryn." Maybe it's time for me to try not to be hurt when they PM me with nasty comments or wade through old threads looking for things I've said to find fault with.
Maybe it's time for me to stop being frustrated when the same person over and over again posts lies about what my Church teaches and tries to convince other people that I belong to a "cult." He's not going to stop and nothing I could possibly do is going to change that. He is allowed to say anything he wants to say about my beliefs. He is allowed to distort them, ridicule them and condemn them -- all in the name of Jesus Christ. This is allowed. I don't know why, but if I keep letting it get to me, I'm going to end up an even bigger basket case than I already am.
Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to get people to understand how I feel. No matter how carefully I choose my words, someone is going to misunderstand me and accuse me of saying something I never said and wouldn't have even thought to say. Somehow I've always thought I had a pretty good way with words. Evidently, that's not the case because no matter how hard I try, people read things into what I've said that are quite the opposite of what I mean. Maybe it's time for me to simply speak my mind and wait to be banned. I apparently haven't figured out the rules, anyway, because Aqualung managed to get banned for what seemed to me to be far less offensive remarks than certain other individuals routinely make.
Maybe it's time for me to admit that I have failed at being a good wife, a good mother and a good Latter-day Saint. I fall so far short of where I want to be in all of these areas that it's not even funny. Sometimes the frustration and guilt is more than I can stand. I don't fit in anywhere: not in my own Church (I'm far too liberal for most of my fellow Latter-day Saints, even though I do a pretty good job of hiding my true feelings) and not here on RF either, where I have totally failed at being able to make my beliefs understood and my feelings appreciated. My husband is an absolute saint; I don't even begin to deserve him. I failed both of my kids. I was too permissive, too open-minded and allowed them too much freedom. Consequently, neither one of them continues to be a practicing member of the Church in which they were raised.
Maybe it's time for me to just put it all in God's hands and throw in the towel. I may never have my kids with me in heaven. I may not have my husband either. I wouldn't blame God for separating us. I haven't lived up to what He expected of me when He blessed me with the most perfect life anyone could ask for. Maybe I should just give up pretending that I love going to church, love studying the scriptures and never have any doubts about anything. I hate Sundays; they are a total guilt trip for me. I believe with all my heart that if the Church Jesus Christ established when He was here on earth is the one I belong to. I value my membership in it, but I don't measure up to what I'm supposed to be. In Sacrament Meeting today, the theme was the Holy Ghost and how He prompts us in everything we do. Again, I don't fit in. I know people who seem to have constant input from the Spirit. For the most part, I feel as if I'm on my own. According to what I'm taught, we can hear His still small voice if we're worthy. I guess that tells me where I stand.
I guess it's time for me to up my dosage of Zoloft, even though I think I'm already on the maximum prescribed dosage. My life should be so good. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I hope He's merciful -- to me and to everybody else.
Maybe it's time for me to stop caring that there are some people here on RF who are going to hate me no matter what. I'm not talking about people who are anti-Mormon. I'm talking about people who are "anti-Kathryn." Maybe it's time for me to try not to be hurt when they PM me with nasty comments or wade through old threads looking for things I've said to find fault with.
Maybe it's time for me to stop being frustrated when the same person over and over again posts lies about what my Church teaches and tries to convince other people that I belong to a "cult." He's not going to stop and nothing I could possibly do is going to change that. He is allowed to say anything he wants to say about my beliefs. He is allowed to distort them, ridicule them and condemn them -- all in the name of Jesus Christ. This is allowed. I don't know why, but if I keep letting it get to me, I'm going to end up an even bigger basket case than I already am.
Maybe it's time for me to stop trying to get people to understand how I feel. No matter how carefully I choose my words, someone is going to misunderstand me and accuse me of saying something I never said and wouldn't have even thought to say. Somehow I've always thought I had a pretty good way with words. Evidently, that's not the case because no matter how hard I try, people read things into what I've said that are quite the opposite of what I mean. Maybe it's time for me to simply speak my mind and wait to be banned. I apparently haven't figured out the rules, anyway, because Aqualung managed to get banned for what seemed to me to be far less offensive remarks than certain other individuals routinely make.
Maybe it's time for me to admit that I have failed at being a good wife, a good mother and a good Latter-day Saint. I fall so far short of where I want to be in all of these areas that it's not even funny. Sometimes the frustration and guilt is more than I can stand. I don't fit in anywhere: not in my own Church (I'm far too liberal for most of my fellow Latter-day Saints, even though I do a pretty good job of hiding my true feelings) and not here on RF either, where I have totally failed at being able to make my beliefs understood and my feelings appreciated. My husband is an absolute saint; I don't even begin to deserve him. I failed both of my kids. I was too permissive, too open-minded and allowed them too much freedom. Consequently, neither one of them continues to be a practicing member of the Church in which they were raised.
Maybe it's time for me to just put it all in God's hands and throw in the towel. I may never have my kids with me in heaven. I may not have my husband either. I wouldn't blame God for separating us. I haven't lived up to what He expected of me when He blessed me with the most perfect life anyone could ask for. Maybe I should just give up pretending that I love going to church, love studying the scriptures and never have any doubts about anything. I hate Sundays; they are a total guilt trip for me. I believe with all my heart that if the Church Jesus Christ established when He was here on earth is the one I belong to. I value my membership in it, but I don't measure up to what I'm supposed to be. In Sacrament Meeting today, the theme was the Holy Ghost and how He prompts us in everything we do. Again, I don't fit in. I know people who seem to have constant input from the Spirit. For the most part, I feel as if I'm on my own. According to what I'm taught, we can hear His still small voice if we're worthy. I guess that tells me where I stand.
I guess it's time for me to up my dosage of Zoloft, even though I think I'm already on the maximum prescribed dosage. My life should be so good. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I hope He's merciful -- to me and to everybody else.