Live with someone before marriage?

[ninerbuff]

So what is the opinion of the religious here on living together before marriage? I'm glad I did it because I lived with someone who I cared for alot, but when I found out how "different" we were when it came to how the home was cared for, it basically dissolved the relationship. I couldn't see not living with someone because if you lived single, then just date, get engaged, get married and then later found out that your spouse drives you nuts living together, then what?
Does your religion allow it?

 

[Breathe]

I did it. It would be hypocritical for me to think others should not.

This is one of the things where religion and I part ways, although I know that religions came from a time where pregnancy was not easily prevented. We do not have such problems, now. Times have changed, too. Prohibiting sex before marriage between two people who are in love will just make them feel guilty. What's the point?

 

[Riverwolf]

I did it. It would be hypocritical for me to think others should not.

This is one of the things where religion and I part ways, although I know that religions came from a time where pregnancy was not easily prevented. We do not have such problems, now. Times have changed, too. Prohibiting sex before marriage between two people who are in love will just make them feel guilty. What's the point?

That. :yes:

We're not monks, and as long as we're not addicts, there's no reason to follow the strict sex restrictions that some religions teach.

As for living together, I don't see the problem. It's a great way to see if there's good compatibility.

 

[ChristineES]

Living together is one of those things that are supposed to be wrong (unless there is extremely rare chance you are not having premarital sex). But I am not going to judge those who do. My 2 nieces are living with their boyfriends (one is getting married this summer, but...).
It is my faith that is supposed to limit premarital sex, but I am certainly not going to hold people who are not of my faith to their standards.

 

[bobhikes]

Personally I don't think it works as you say. Because there is no permanent bond as soon as troubles develop it dissolves.

Relationships that last require commitment and compromise flat out. Once you start living together you will naturally find things about each other that you don't like. If there is no commitment or compromise all will end.

If there are no kids personally there is no issue. If kids are involved it is a tragedy. However; as fast as people today declare divorce its almost as if everyone just lives together.

 

[ninerbuff]

Living together is one of those things that are supposed to be wrong (unless there is extremely rare chance you are not having premarital sex). But I am not going to judge those who do. My 2 nieces are living with their boyfriends (one is getting married this summer, but...).
It is my faith that is supposed to limit premarital sex, but I am certainly not going to hold people who are not of my faith to their standards.

I would then ask, if you did marry and found out all the little "habits" that your spouse does drives you crazy and they weren't willing to do much to change it, if it left you unhappy and spiteful would you still stay married or just deal with it?

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I couldn't see not living with someone because if you lived single, then just date, get engaged, get married and then later found out that your spouse drives you nuts living together, then what?

My wife and I didn't live together before we got married. Things worked out okay for us... but I know it's not too valid to draw conclusions from a sample size of 1.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

My wife and I lived together for 8 years before we got married. It was basically a formality at that point. Of course, some may need the pressure of being contractually commited to make things work.

 

[bobhikes]

My wife and I lived together for 8 years before we got married. It was basically a formality at that point. Of course, some may need the pressure of being contractually commited to make things work.

Some actually need a literal Ball and Chain. :angel2:

 

[ninerbuff]

Personally I don't think it works as you say. Because there is no permanent bond as soon as troubles develop it dissolves.

Relationships that last require commitment and compromise flat out. Once you start living together you will naturally find things about each other that you don't like. If there is no commitment or compromise all will end.

If there are no kids personally there is no issue. If kids are involved it is a tragedy. However; as fast as people today declare divorce its almost as if everyone just lives together.

That's why I believe people should live together first before starting a family because by then they'll be "locked in".
My ex-girlfriend was a slob. She would leave her clothes on the floor, NEVER was dishes, scattered papers everywhere, etc. When we moved in together I thought I could deal with it and we spoke about it. She didn't do much to change and I got tired of picking up the clothes so I just walked over them. Of course then it got into fights about "don't step on her clothes" and the response of "I wouldn't need to if you got them off the floor".
I also snore (apparently pretty loud) and we worked opposite schedules. To ensure she slept well, I slept in another room on the couch. Well this didn't much for our intimacy and eventually I found myself dreading going home.
We lived together for 3 years and after the lease was up broke up. Again I'm glad we did live together first.
My wife and I lived together for 1 year before getting married and there wasn't many issues to iron out.

 

[Riverwolf]

Personally I don't think it works as you say. Because there is no permanent bond as soon as troubles develop it dissolves.

Relationships that last require commitment and compromise flat out. Once you start living together you will naturally find things about each other that you don't like. If there is no commitment or compromise all will end.

If there are no kids personally there is no issue. If kids are involved it is a tragedy. However; as fast as people today declare divorce its almost as if everyone just lives together.

Which is why the way kids will be raised needs to be decided WELL in advance, AND I believe it should be a requirement for all parents to go through some kind of class that deals with child psychology. (Though I know the current economic status doesn't exactly make that possible ATM, plus the issue of how to enforce that.)

 

[bobhikes]

That's why I believe people should live together first before starting a family because by then they'll be "locked in".
My ex-girlfriend was a slob. She would leave her clothes on the floor, NEVER was dishes, scattered papers everywhere, etc. When we moved in together I thought I could deal with it and we spoke about it. She didn't do much to change and I got tired of picking up the clothes so I just walked over them. Of course then it got into fights about "don't step on her clothes" and the response of "I wouldn't need to if you got them off the floor".
I also snore (apparently pretty loud) and we worked opposite schedules. To ensure she slept well, I slept in another room on the couch. Well this didn't much for our intimacy and eventually I found myself dreading going home.
We lived together for 3 years and after the lease was up broke up. Again I'm glad we did live together first.
My wife and I lived together for 1 year before getting married and there wasn't many issues to iron out.

This is my take on it. My wife and I met on the 2nd day I knew I wanted to marry her. We were married in 3 months. I knew nothing about her. I like to get up early leave early for places, she likes to get up late and never be on time. I clean up all my stuff every 6 months nothing lasts past 6 months if I don't use it. My basement and garage is full of my wife's boxes that she is saving for some mythical person. I like to talk about my troubles with other my wife is insulted if I say anything about our personal life or her.

Twice in our marriage we were at the breaking point. After the 2cd year over a set of glasses we almost split but we decided to stick it out. After the second kid I actually struck my wife. She was not hurt but it had come down to this rather than quit I had to look hard at myself. I had never struck anyone how could I hate someone this much. I don't hate anyone. You know it was me, I had to change me not her. Since this last incident we have had our best years. I would bet we have a problem again but because of our dedication we will work through and I am confident it would be the same(but different) with any woman I decided to marry.

 

[Penumbra]

I live with my partner, and we're not married. Neither of us put a lot of stock in a marriage certificate.

Living together before marriage is a pretty practical and important thing to do in my view.

 

[ninerbuff]

Which is why the way kids will be raised needs to be decided WELL in advance, AND I believe it should be a requirement for all parents to go through some kind of class that deals with child psychology. (Though I know the current economic status doesn't exactly make that possible ATM, plus the issue of how to enforce that.)

Yep. There are parents out there that shouldn't be parents.

 

[ninerbuff]

This is my take on it. My wife and I met on the 2nd day I knew I wanted to marry her. We were married in 3 months. I knew nothing about her. I like to get up early leave early for places, she likes to get up late and never be on time. I clean up all my stuff every 6 months nothing lasts past 6 months if I don't use it. My basement and garage is full of my wife's boxes that she is saving for some mythical person. I like to talk about my troubles with other my wife is insulted if I say anything about our personal life or her.

Twice in our marriage we were at the breaking point. After the 2cd year over a set of glasses we almost split but we decided to stick it out. After the second kid I actually struck my wife. She was not hurt but it had come down to this rather than quit I had to look hard at myself. I had never struck anyone how could I hate someone this much. I don't hate anyone. You know it was me, I had to change me not her. Since this last incident we have had our best years. I would bet we have a problem again but because of our dedication we will work through and I am confident it would be the same(but different) with any woman I decided to marry.

You are one of the lucky ones. Had you been reported and went jail, then to court and then have restricted access to your children, you might not have traveled down the same path.
You speak of you changing, but shouldn't the compromise be both?
My mom currently "hoards". Not in the sense that the whole house is overly full, but you do have to walk around some stuff in certain rooms. If my wife did that (which she doesn't care to keep stuff we don't need) it would drive me nuts. My dad hates to argue with my mom, so he let's it go, but he tells me how angry he gets about it when she asks him to help move stuff around. I've had to tell my mom to stop on some of it because I felt that some of the stuff that was stacked high was unsafe and if it fell on my daughter I would be angry and not bring her over anymore. My mom complied.
But I think my mom and dad could be much better if my dad didn't give in and told my mom enough is enough.

 

[Falvlun]

If you can't commit to someone without a little legal slip of formality, then maybe you shouldn't be using that piece of paper as a reason to stay with them.

I lived with my boyfriend of 4 years for the summer, as I was transitioning to a new place. It was a rough 3 months on our relationship, and I was relieved to be back in an apartment of my own at the end of it. However, I believe it was an important growing time too. Yes, it was rough, but we learned that we can survive it, and be closer than ever. We are engaged now.

 

[wordmagnifiedabovenames]

I don't think that people living togther before marriage is necessary. Apart from the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, which living together would strongly encourage, the only other reason I can see for living together is to get used to taking care of a house together.

Personally, I believe that the relationship should be strong enough to withstand the rigous of living together and looking after a house, even if it's so extreme that both people both hate the way each other does everything around the house (and strong enough to withstand the possibility of one or both people not being satisfied sexually.) If a couple doesn't think their relationship can survive the prospect of them being annoyed at the way the other person does housework (or the potential lack of satisfaction with sex,) then I don't think it's a strong enough relationship to base a marriage (and kids) on, and therefore not a strong enough relationship to involve both couples living together. I don't judge people who do live together before marriage though, that's between them and God.

Anyway, it's not like people can't discuss and prepare to deal with each other's various methods of house-cleaning before they get married.

That said I'm entirely in favour of people learning to cook and clean etc. before they get married, whether that's achieved by taking on repsonsibilities in one's parents' house or moving out with friends.

 

[Levite]

So what is the opinion of the religious here on living together before marriage? I'm glad I did it because I lived with someone who I cared for alot, but when I found out how "different" we were when it came to how the home was cared for, it basically dissolved the relationship. I couldn't see not living with someone because if you lived single, then just date, get engaged, get married and then later found out that your spouse drives you nuts living together, then what?
Does your religion allow it?

My mother gave me two pieces of advice that worked out very well. She told me, "Never marry anyone you haven't slept with. And never marry anyone you haven't lived with for at least six months."

I took that advice, and have yet to regret it. My wife and I lived together for about a year before we actually got married, and in that time we started couples counseling as a preventative measure, worked out a lot of the day-to-day snarls and cross-currents that can trip up and break up new marriages, and when we actually got to our wedding day, we were in great shape.

There are different opinions in Judaism about living together before marriage. Nearly all Orthodox communities frown on this behavior, and consider it unacceptable, although I have known a few Modern Orthodox Jews who formally pledged betrothal (which in Jewish law counts as something binding, akin to marriage) and lived together for a while before completing the formal marriage rites. But it is both accepted and common in the non-Orthodox world to live together before marriage, and to have sex before marriage.

 

[bobhikes]

You are one of the lucky ones. Had you been reported and went jail, then to court and then have restricted access to your children, you might not have traveled down the same path.
You speak of you changing, but shouldn't the compromise be both?
My mom currently "hoards". Not in the sense that the whole house is overly full, but you do have to walk around some stuff in certain rooms. If my wife did that (which she doesn't care to keep stuff we don't need) it would drive me nuts. My dad hates to argue with my mom, so he let's it go, but he tells me how angry he gets about it when she asks him to help move stuff around. I've had to tell my mom to stop on some of it because I felt that some of the stuff that was stacked high was unsafe and if it fell on my daughter I would be angry and not bring her over anymore. My mom complied.
But I think my mom and dad could be much better if my dad didn't give in and told my mom enough is enough.

The issue is the problem was with me how I was looking at things untill I hit bottom I would never have changed. If it wasn't for the commitment to each other and our parternship we would not have remained married. It did not matter who I was married to I would have come to the same end result but as you said I could of had worse results. I had to change for my marriage to be successful.

To be honest the certificate is only for protection of the spouce it has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage is all about compromise and dedication. If you not willing to dedicate to your partner and compromise over the small issue's it will never work. Even if you get the certificate.

 

[blackout]

Live with someone before marriage?

Yet the more pertinent question to me is,

Marriage after/while Living with someone?


(though I am serious)