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I have to go for a while (an apology)

Discussion in 'Left-Hand Path Religions DIR' started by jasonwill2, May 11, 2012.

  1. jasonwill2

    jasonwill2 Well-Known Member

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    Note: After I post this, I won't be checking in on it until I reach that point of stability.

    I would like to first apologize to all the people I have hurt, insulted, annoyed, or whatever else not just on the whole forums, but specifically those walking The Left Hand Path. I'm not being who I want to be, but what I am, I was being a mindless animal, and not a god of my own nature. I was the slave of my flesh, and not the master of it.

    As a Satanist my intentions are to challenge myself and grow. Indeed, one of the many other titles I give to the entity and force that I call Ha-Satan is "Propagator of Progression" and "Hand of Creation". It seems that of late I have only been concerned with his one title, "Blade of Destruction", which has caused my problem. I often justified this by saying that "Creation and Destruction are just the same force, change, used in different directions" as justification, but failed to realize that this didn't take into effect how said force of change was being applied. If the same force can destroy and create, you better be damn sure that you know which way it is pointing, because if you are not self-aware of yourself you can end up with the exact opposite of the intended result, and that seems to have happened to me.

    A number of days ago, I was doing some magic(k)al work with a mirror and trying to connect to whatever might be out there, and I swear that Satan spoke to me... if not for a few seconds. Or was it my sub-conscious, or a "Higher Guardian Angel"? I don't know specifically which point was speaking but Satan is the source regardless as he resides in our very souls as little divine bits of life...

    And so Satan spoke to me, and he told me what my problem was; that I need to learn to love myself. And he's right. I'm so fraught looking for unconditional love and validation that I do not realize that so-long as I love myself, I will be okay. I thought I loved myself, but it turned out that I was forgetting the part about progress. I was too hedonistic, I was caught into not loving myself, but being blind to my problems, and looking for empty pleasure. I didn't realize that to love myself, to truly love myself, I needed to be fully honest. I was in denial that I am depressed, and that my Bipolar is crippling me. That I am anxious around people, and that I am a slave to the mania and depression cycles, the fear, and the abuse and pain I suffered when I was a kid. I came to realize that I need to swallow my pride and just admit: "I need help".

    Then I wrote that topic, about what to do on the anniversary of my admission of Satanism... and all you guys jumped in, and some things said there got me thinking. That night though, I was thinking over what all was said and my earlier realization in the week, and so a song came into my head and I put it on my music player and I laid in the dark on my bed. I put the song on repeat, and as my mind started to wind-down the song played for the second time and it spoke to me in an almost divine way. I never consciously noticed it before, but before the first stanza there is a little whispered bit that goes:

    "If you do this, if you do this. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try again. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try."


    I was thinking "holy crap!" and felt like a chill go over me. For anything you guys told me, this eerie moment made it sink in. The people I would of declared my beliefs too know where I live, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was a slow news day and our main local news station took the story. (If you are not familiar with the other topic don't bother asking). Then I was like.. in this surreal state of hyper hearing where all the little nuances in the music was so clear, so vivid and detailed, that I could detect the smallest variations that would escape me otherwise. I have had these moments before in half-asleep states, but the song in question that I was listening to when falling asleep never had any significance... this time it did, and even though not all the words coincided with my experiences the essence of the message and idea behind the song spelled out my situation.

    God loves all his creations, but not in the way that people think. He doesn't hold our hands, and can't help people who won't help themselves. He respects our autonomy to make our own decisions. But at the same time, Satan is a mentor, and if we ask, he will point us in the right direction. He may give you a heading, but it's up to you to actually walk your two feet in that direction even if there is no clear path to that goal. And at that, there is only a path if lots of people have walked on that ground, and it will only lead you to where they have gone and not where you might want to go. Why walk a path of the Left or Right when neither paths take you to where you want to go? I don't even know where the Right Hand or Left Hand Paths go, I just want to be whole and get better. Satan is the only god that has ever told me the next heading, and is also the only god to ever shown me the significance of how the last heading lead to my new heading, and even dared as give me a small hint of the heading after this one. Before... it was just all mass-chaos and I was told to take it on a chance that the direction I was given would take me where I needed to go... only with Satan have I ever felt I was on the way I should be going. I am sick, and until I can reach a stable relatively stable point I can't be here, I don't want to risk hurting more people or worse, getting banned and losing all my friends here.

    I know this cycle, and I have seen it before. I'm at the stage at which I feel comfortable enough to try and get validation from others at any expense, and that's the scary part. The fact that I have said some of the things I have means that I might accelerate. For my own good, I need to not come back to the religious forums until I can learn to love myself at least enough to not seek for validation from any outlet that will take it.

    So I am sorry, for everything I have done or said. And I'm sorry that I must go. If Satan is truly the essence of life, then through religion as a tool, I can reach a better and more stable point in my life. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor today, and am seeing him tomorrow to speak about all this, and how I might find a way to get better, and to connect me with the resources I need.

    And So I will set out, and go now. But before I leave you, I have this to share with you, the song that made me come to for a second time realize where I need to go. It's been one heck of a week for me spiritually.. and it's only three hours into Thursday...

    [youtube]Ej4uAtX7SCE[/youtube]
    Otep-Perfectly Flawed - YouTube

    Hail Satan, Hail Leviathan, and Dark Blessings.

    P.S. I might be tempted to drop into the Ajax Chat, so don't be surprised if you see me there. I still swear that I won't come to the forums until I am well despite that.
     
    #1 jasonwill2, May 11, 2012
    Last edited: May 11, 2012
  2. HerDotness

    HerDotness Lady Babbleon

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    Jasonwill, if you happen to peek in and see the responses to this thread, I sincerely hope that you succeed in learning to love yourself. Doing so is one of the greatest highs a person can experience...and better still, it's one that lasts for the rest of your lifetime. I know, been there, done that.

    I hope as well that you find a means of managing your illness. It is an exceptionally nasty one.

    My very best wishes to you,
    Dot
     
  3. Mindmaster

    Mindmaster Well-Known Member
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    5 char.
     
  4. Mindmaster

    Mindmaster Well-Known Member
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    Reported. This is the left hand path dir not a place for your evangelizing.
     
  5. Iti oj

    Iti oj Global warming is real and we need to act
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    Jason. Stop going to church its killing you. Try walking or incorperating other paths I think the tao/dao would help you
     
  6. Iti oj

    Iti oj Global warming is real and we need to act
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    No dir invasion. Ohh and chaos is good.
     
    #6 Iti oj, May 11, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2012
  7. The Sum of Awe

    The Sum of Awe Realitarian

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    Sad to see you leave, Jason, I hope to see you in time.
     
  8. Infinitum

    Infinitum Possessed Bookworm
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    Jason, I think this is a good choise. I hope you find what you need and remember we're always here to help you if you feel you need it.
     
  9. Adramelek

    Adramelek Setian
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    Jason, I have struggled with depression all my life. Learning to love yourself is crucial in the Great Work of Life. I wish you all the best and darkest blessings -- I'm sure you'll be back. ;)

    Xeper my friend.
    /Adramelek\
     
  10. 1137

    1137 | O.S. Co-founder
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    Good luck to you Jason. I look foreward to your return.
     
  11. Orias

    Orias Left Hand Path

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    Jason there is nothing wrong with you.

    You are a Satanist, remember where the hell you come from.
     
  12. Iti oj

    Iti oj Global warming is real and we need to act
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    Are you back yet?
     
  13. jasonwill2

    jasonwill2 Well-Known Member

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    Guys I know I said I wouldn't come back until I got to a point of stability, but I wanted to at least leave you guys with an update and figured I could use what-ever encouragement might be here... so I guess technically if I just look at this topic it isn't cheating.

    So I connected with some services that can help me find a job that I can actually do without flipping out mentally and then quit like I did last time, so that is something I have done. I meet with the person that will be helping me at the end of the month. I'm not actually sure how it all works, I just mentioned it to my counselor that I was going to look into them and see if they might help me and asked him if he happened to know their number or what they were even called and next thing I know he just called them and shoved the phone in my face (quite literally almost) and told me to tell them I was looking for employment help and was referred by him.

    Also I am seeing my counselor in less than a week again, I figured better sooner than later to see him again. Other than that in that session I also talked to him about possibly looking into getting back on medications (actually I very may well not given the cost and potential side effects that I don't want to have to deal with again) as well as my recent revelations. He didn't seem to be a terrible help in that regard as I told him that I was trying to change my inner dialog anytime it manifested in actual words in my thoughts, as well as when it was just purely emotional energy, and asked him what all I could do and he didn't really offer much more than what I said I was already doing. I also talked to him about my brilliant [sarcasm] idea for a Black Mass that I had a while back and he seemed to think it was about attention as he asked me if that might be a factor, and I tried to explain to him how that really wasn't so. I even added that if that were the case I would invite family members to all of that and again for like the 10th time tried to explain how it is about applied psychology and getting over things like fear or inhibitions.

    I've had it up to here in trying to explain the psychology in ritual magic and especially in blasphemy to a psychologist. It's bad enough I know he's a Fundamentalist who believes in YEC (although with some weird kind of evolutionary views thrown in and not having the most typical YEC views), and it's even worse the one time he just pulled out a Bible when I made some attack on it in passing when talking about my religious views, but to have to explain what he as a psychologist should already know, is beyond pale. I asked a while ago about possibly seeing other shrinks at that place and apparently all of them are Christians and the receptionist I talked to apparently assumes it's my problem that I don't want a Christian therapist. I might mention about the Bible thing to her next time I see her there just to prove her wrong... but anyway I swear that if he doesn't do much to help me one more session, I'm firing him as I'm tired of all this nonsense. He's been my counselor for about 5 or 6 years but this isn't working out anymore... I'm tired of working with a moron who can't do his own job.

    Other than that I have totally revamped my altar and made it into what could literally be called a "ritual chamber", and can't wait to use it. The way my room is built there is this small space in front of a fireplace that sits between two parts where the room gets narrower (as on the left is an added tiny bathroom and on the right is a tiny added closet), and so I put up some stuff to essentially cut if off from the room and made it into it's own room. I can't even see the altar from outside it. Inside is a bunch of stuff everywhere that makes it creepy and gives it a mysterious atmosphere as a little magical sanctuary. I even have some stuff hanging from the ceiling (don't worry the way the ceiling is there is no damage) as well as poetry and various invocations and drawings pinned to the walls. It actually feels so much more private now that I should have even less inhibitions to expressing my deepest desires and emotions when casting spells. Before I always felt like I was still being watched when doing rituals before, but in this tiny little fortress of solitude I don't really have that feeling anymore.

    I haven't gotten the chance to do a ritual in it yet as I'm not sure when or what kind of ritual I might need for any specific cause, but when I stayed in there for a while to see if the atmosphere was correct it all seemed to be in order. I plan to use some ritual magic later to help me with this situation at hand, but am not sure exactly to what end to channel the desire and energies in question. On one hand I could intend for the ritual to just make me feel better or reassert my self-worth, but on the other hand that seems to be so broad as to not really cause any meaningful difference. I feel like a ritual needs a tangible goal, such as get a job, or finish this trial, or whatever. Being as general as "I want to build up my self-esteem" doesn't ring as having a definite way of measuring success as the goal is very subjective and more prone to just shifts in perception. I don't want to fall into the last pitfall and mistake bravado for my sense of self-worth. I want to actually feel worth something on my own, and not just use religious ecstasy and the mania from my Bipolar Disorder to mask over the depression, anxiety, and my utter sense of worthlessness like I have been doing for the last year or so.

    I mean, yes, in many ways Satanism has helped me, but in other ways I found shortcuts that just buried down some of it. I need to stop myself from using the shortcuts and bravado and start to really progress. Hopefully the combination of mundane help and ritual magic can help me get along further... I don't know what else to do. I'm really tired of always having to look strong, I want to BE strong, not just look it. So I guess this is my update... will try to stay even off of this topic as much as possible and only check this topic once a week at most.. but who knows? I'm not good at staying away. =p
     
  14. apophenia

    apophenia Well-Known Member

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    You and I have not communicated before, but I have been reading your posts, and often read the LHP threads. I occasionally contribute too. I have had a lifetime with depression and bi-polar to deal with. I know the territory well, and have learned a lot about managing it. In my case it is a combination of inherited (genetic) tendencies (on my father's side) and also social aspects which were originally the result of my father's and mother's problems.

    I could write pages on this, but for now I just want to give one small piece of advice which you may overlook. One of the most positive changes I ever made was getting into my body. For decades I was dealing with it all in my head, and considering everything from the point of view of mental responses of various kinds - that includes philosophies, art and music, drugs, magic, meditation ...

    I eschewed physical training. I thought it was not relevant to me at all. Then I had a relationship with a woman whose main interest was modern dance, and who taught various kinds of therapies to dancers at an arts college, among other things.

    I composed music for performances for her and other dancers I met through her. In that way I got much closer to various forms of physical training (as an observer primarily at first). Over the 7 years I lived with her, she gradually managed to encourage me to explore the somatic realm of my existence. It is very easy to remain very ungrounded when your concerns are spiritual and psychic, and to dismiss the physical as an almost irrelevant detail.

    About 7 years ago I decided to get into yoga and also weight training, because getting older I was beginning to feel the effects of a lifetime treating my body as though it was a secondary detail - back problems, feeling like crap from decades of smoking etc.

    Everything changed. It is hard to overestimate the significance of regular physical training. It has mental and emotional effects which I never expected. The science of it is becoming well known now, and there is shiploads of data about how training affects the endocrine system (hormones) and how that affects the mind.

    I do Iyengar yoga, which is a fairly physically demanding form of yoga. You don't get a load of Indian philosophy with it - that is something you can pursue or ignore according to your own will. The physical practice itself has profound effects on body and mind. It is like meditation in some respects, but in the context of a very dynamic physical action. And the attitude which is naturally learned doing the asanas (postures) is incredibly useful if you also pursue resistance training (weights).

    I was a bit dubious about going to a gym at first, because I thought it was all about meat-headed jocks. Not any more. There are guys like that around, but nowadays gyms are used by all sorts of people. When I first began working out in gyms, I was chronically underweight (less than 60kg), which I admit I was not entirely happy about either. That was largely because of a hyper mind and metabolism (which chews up heaps of calories) and a lifetime habit of running on caffeine and smoke (both kinds of smoke). I gained over 10kg (about 25 pounds) of muscle and slowed my metabolism, which has a profound effect of stabilising the mind, which I hadn't expected.

    Maybe you don't find those options appealing - there are plenty of others, like swimming, running, martial arts. Any of those options can have a major influence on the mind.

    The body is the mind ! That is so easy to miss. The mind is not some mysterious vapour independent of the body, there is a spectrum from gross matter to subtlest mind ...

    Anyway, I have found that this approach has far better effects than antidepressants or any other kind of therapy. If you eat well, train, and sleep well, the mind is much more stable.

    I hope this is of some use to you. I wish you the very best.

    Stay strong, and remember - happiness is a learned response.

    Cheers.
     
    #14 apophenia, May 15, 2012
    Last edited: May 15, 2012
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  15. jasonwill2

    jasonwill2 Well-Known Member

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    I don't really agree with this statement. Technically it is correct but in effect it would only get me pumped and give my bravado, not real self-esteem.

    I won't be back for quite some time but might occassionaly like I did just now give some updates. Otherwise I won't be anywhere else on teh forums. Also I will occassionally be in the Ajax caht but much less often then before.
     
  16. Mindmaster

    Mindmaster Well-Known Member
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    Self-worth is self-determined. You create the criteria which establish the value of every act that you do. Generally, poor self worth isn't what you're doing but unrealistic expectations. Are you ready to make the move you desire, or are you really holding back because somehow you don't want it? These therapists and medications are a complete waste of time all the time. Learn to accept yourself and the depression doesn't do much -- if you learn to control yourself the mania isn't too bad either. Your rationality doesn't evade you during either of these situations just your emotions are on the fritz. You have to have ways to diffuse yourself and this is how I cope... I have very little depression, but when I do have it it is bad and had it worse in my youth due to lack of control. I frequently am subject to the mania side of the problem which I've generally converted to better uses. I don't take medication nor do I have problems coping.

    You don't need to be a victim here, and you can deal with it yourself as long as you know what it is you want. You know the mood swings are bull so stop hanging on them like a school girl. Devote yourself to intellectual distractions when the swings flare up and generally that act alone will dilute the effect. The mania side of it works wonders for me though -- I can write pages of text very quickly and hit all of my points. Use your faults and gifts to your advantage... The depression is great for writing music, or poems and the mania is great when you have something large to do in little periods of time. Once you have conditioned these control mechanisms into your being you will easily be able to handle anything coming. I also find that if I am truly emotional about something it is often best for me to sit on it. My first reaction is generally very fire-y and I feel like no other person I know. All of my feelings are basically turned to 11 on the dial, and that is usually hard to deal with. Combine that with being very empathetic and you see the recipe for trouble I can concoct. :D My life was a complete disaster in my youth -- I couldn't accomplish the smallest of tasks. Study meditation, and question every thought that runs through your mind. That simple act will distance yourself away long enough to get your bearings.
     
    #16 Mindmaster, May 15, 2012
    Last edited: May 15, 2012
  17. jasonwill2

    jasonwill2 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not talking about tiny mood-swings, but a life-crippling disease. It isn't a matter of expectations, it's a matter of a genetic disorder that causes my brain to be all messed-up. Also I suffered a lot of abuse as a kid that adds to all this. I can't just wisk this all away. I tried that approach but the issues are so deeply rooted in my subconscious as well as my genes and brain chemistry. Half of the issue is learning to live with my traumatic past. The other half is dealing with a real medical issue of Bipolar. All it does is cover it up. Also as far as self-worth, your looking at it from a logical view point. Emotion is not logical at all. Part of my lack of self-esteem is carried over from the abuse, both physical and emotional (and I'm not just talking about typical bullying or family drama) and the other part is how I have no power in my life... I have no job, no money, I feel stuck and trapped... my self-worth will only get better once I have control of my life and can feel validated in some way. Which is what I am working on.

    Though if you have any suggestions before leave for a while again as to how I can use ritual magic as one of many tools I'm all ears.
     
  18. Mindmaster

    Mindmaster Well-Known Member
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    I've been where you are.. That's all I'm saying. You have the choice to be the victim or the survivor. I was always different (or, as I prefer to say 'special') due to my instability, outbursts, and emotions getting the best of me. I was constantly tormented for a great deal of time due to this, but also because I completely despised the humans I have to share oxygen with. My brain literally blocked out most of youth for the fact of mental survival; the parts I remember are not joyous and filled with pain. I used to wonder what made me so bad off and why I couldn't be like others. It is because simply that I never was. I embraced it, and gave up on trying. That which hasn't killed you yet has merely made you stronger -- be aware of that fact. Don't worry too much about money -- you can't take it with you when you die, and it doesn't really make you happy when you have a lot of it anyway it just comes with more obligations. Worry about having enough to survive, and be happy anything about over that which comes your way.

    I had to go through all of this to get where I was and truly understand the dark side of things. No one will probably go as deep into the dark as someone whom is bipolar, but you have been there before and you have made it out. You are stronger for it -- others would have killed themselves or done some stupid crap and you're still here. Acknowledge your success and it will give you power -- flaunt it inwardly and admire it. It is the spoils of the battles you've won. As a result of this pain your tolerances have increased and you can handle more challenging dilemmas. Understand how you have conquered these fears, and understand how you will conquer any others in the same fashion. Take credit for your wins.

    Your emotions will be stronger than others, and used correctly are much more powerful than normal people. They're impartial and can be fickle -- you are all in and consumed. These can be channeled to ritual purposes or other things and will be far more effective than what others can do. Your family and others expect you to behave like them. You never will be able to so stop. There is nothing wrong with being different. You feel more than they do and they simply will never understand because you are completely non-trivial. The more you strive to normalize the more you will be saddened. They think you're crazy anyway no matter what you do, so why mind what they have to say? Worry about your goals and not theirs -- screw their expectations. You see through the charade and THIS is what causes most of your issues. You want to do what other people do, but you know it is complete crap.

    You are not your body, and genetics don't govern your spirit. I've personally researched my problem for nearly twenty years. This is a just space suit for this realm, and you need not concern yourself with its defects -- overly at least. Your problem is that the normal part of other humans which allows them to be completely unsympathetic when they desire to isn't present in you. You are different my friend -- your spirit, intuition, and rational are perfectly mated. This makes you highly reactive -- so reactive in fact that you probably have established mental obstacles due to information moving so quickly that you can't process it. Train your mind, and embrace your inner feelings. They're correct -- it is this world that is screwed up.

    Stop blaming the events of your life -- you can control this and use the power of it. Think of it as a special ability other people don't have, and realize how to put it to productive use. Your emotions are like a nuclear spiritual weapon, and they can be used to positively effect you and get what you need. You are able to lead hell's army yourself because you understand what true weakness and strength are.
     
    #18 Mindmaster, May 15, 2012
    Last edited: May 15, 2012
  19. Infinitum

    Infinitum Possessed Bookworm
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    Jason, Apophenia and Mindmaster have both given you really valuable advice. It may feel like your situation is worse than theirs, but it isn't. Right now you're going through a rough patch, but with the help of people around you, perhaps even a mild medication and what you've got here you'll get back on your feet and eventually out of it completely. Right now you just need to trust people know what they're talking about.

    If you want to use magic, try making it part of your life instead of confining it to rituals. Mindmaster suggested a few excellent mind training techniques, and Apophenia did the same for your body. You need both of them and the most helpful approach for you is to think of them as magical work. You can add ritual elements to make yourself more committed to them. Treat your body, mind and spirit with care.

    Sidenote: The British actor Stephen Fry, who is also bipolar, had made a documentary called Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. He also talks about is in his autobiographies. If you happen to find him somewhere, I really recommend watching/reading these.
     
  20. jasonwill2

    jasonwill2 Well-Known Member

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    My bad, I only read the first paragraph until just now and thought you were saying something completely different. Looking back I sounded like a moron because of said reason :facepalm::D

    My apologies I stopped reading his post after the part that said somethign about a schoolgirl in the first paragraph before commenting... looking back on it now yes Mindmaster gave very good advice and I should of read the rest of it.

    As for what Apophenia said I was originally going to respond but forgot to hit the multiple quote button and my laptop was already dying at that point. I was going to mention that I do often walk around town or ride my bike, but as I said my laptop was cutting out. I'll check in on this one more time today before trying to go for a while.

    You guys make it so tempting to forget this whole hiatus. :D
     
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