jasonwill2
Well-Known Member
Note: After I post this, I won't be checking in on it until I reach that point of stability.
I would like to first apologize to all the people I have hurt, insulted, annoyed, or whatever else not just on the whole forums, but specifically those walking The Left Hand Path. I'm not being who I want to be, but what I am, I was being a mindless animal, and not a god of my own nature. I was the slave of my flesh, and not the master of it.
As a Satanist my intentions are to challenge myself and grow. Indeed, one of the many other titles I give to the entity and force that I call Ha-Satan is "Propagator of Progression" and "Hand of Creation". It seems that of late I have only been concerned with his one title, "Blade of Destruction", which has caused my problem. I often justified this by saying that "Creation and Destruction are just the same force, change, used in different directions" as justification, but failed to realize that this didn't take into effect how said force of change was being applied. If the same force can destroy and create, you better be damn sure that you know which way it is pointing, because if you are not self-aware of yourself you can end up with the exact opposite of the intended result, and that seems to have happened to me.
A number of days ago, I was doing some magic(k)al work with a mirror and trying to connect to whatever might be out there, and I swear that Satan spoke to me... if not for a few seconds. Or was it my sub-conscious, or a "Higher Guardian Angel"? I don't know specifically which point was speaking but Satan is the source regardless as he resides in our very souls as little divine bits of life...
And so Satan spoke to me, and he told me what my problem was; that I need to learn to love myself. And he's right. I'm so fraught looking for unconditional love and validation that I do not realize that so-long as I love myself, I will be okay. I thought I loved myself, but it turned out that I was forgetting the part about progress. I was too hedonistic, I was caught into not loving myself, but being blind to my problems, and looking for empty pleasure. I didn't realize that to love myself, to truly love myself, I needed to be fully honest. I was in denial that I am depressed, and that my Bipolar is crippling me. That I am anxious around people, and that I am a slave to the mania and depression cycles, the fear, and the abuse and pain I suffered when I was a kid. I came to realize that I need to swallow my pride and just admit: "I need help".
Then I wrote that topic, about what to do on the anniversary of my admission of Satanism... and all you guys jumped in, and some things said there got me thinking. That night though, I was thinking over what all was said and my earlier realization in the week, and so a song came into my head and I put it on my music player and I laid in the dark on my bed. I put the song on repeat, and as my mind started to wind-down the song played for the second time and it spoke to me in an almost divine way. I never consciously noticed it before, but before the first stanza there is a little whispered bit that goes:
"If you do this, if you do this. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try again. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try."
I was thinking "holy crap!" and felt like a chill go over me. For anything you guys told me, this eerie moment made it sink in. The people I would of declared my beliefs too know where I live, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was a slow news day and our main local news station took the story. (If you are not familiar with the other topic don't bother asking). Then I was like.. in this surreal state of hyper hearing where all the little nuances in the music was so clear, so vivid and detailed, that I could detect the smallest variations that would escape me otherwise. I have had these moments before in half-asleep states, but the song in question that I was listening to when falling asleep never had any significance... this time it did, and even though not all the words coincided with my experiences the essence of the message and idea behind the song spelled out my situation.
God loves all his creations, but not in the way that people think. He doesn't hold our hands, and can't help people who won't help themselves. He respects our autonomy to make our own decisions. But at the same time, Satan is a mentor, and if we ask, he will point us in the right direction. He may give you a heading, but it's up to you to actually walk your two feet in that direction even if there is no clear path to that goal. And at that, there is only a path if lots of people have walked on that ground, and it will only lead you to where they have gone and not where you might want to go. Why walk a path of the Left or Right when neither paths take you to where you want to go? I don't even know where the Right Hand or Left Hand Paths go, I just want to be whole and get better. Satan is the only god that has ever told me the next heading, and is also the only god to ever shown me the significance of how the last heading lead to my new heading, and even dared as give me a small hint of the heading after this one. Before... it was just all mass-chaos and I was told to take it on a chance that the direction I was given would take me where I needed to go... only with Satan have I ever felt I was on the way I should be going. I am sick, and until I can reach a stable relatively stable point I can't be here, I don't want to risk hurting more people or worse, getting banned and losing all my friends here.
I know this cycle, and I have seen it before. I'm at the stage at which I feel comfortable enough to try and get validation from others at any expense, and that's the scary part. The fact that I have said some of the things I have means that I might accelerate. For my own good, I need to not come back to the religious forums until I can learn to love myself at least enough to not seek for validation from any outlet that will take it.
So I am sorry, for everything I have done or said. And I'm sorry that I must go. If Satan is truly the essence of life, then through religion as a tool, I can reach a better and more stable point in my life. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor today, and am seeing him tomorrow to speak about all this, and how I might find a way to get better, and to connect me with the resources I need.
And So I will set out, and go now. But before I leave you, I have this to share with you, the song that made me come to for a second time realize where I need to go. It's been one heck of a week for me spiritually.. and it's only three hours into Thursday...
[youtube]Ej4uAtX7SCE[/youtube]
Otep-Perfectly Flawed - YouTube
Hail Satan, Hail Leviathan, and Dark Blessings.
P.S. I might be tempted to drop into the Ajax Chat, so don't be surprised if you see me there. I still swear that I won't come to the forums until I am well despite that.
I would like to first apologize to all the people I have hurt, insulted, annoyed, or whatever else not just on the whole forums, but specifically those walking The Left Hand Path. I'm not being who I want to be, but what I am, I was being a mindless animal, and not a god of my own nature. I was the slave of my flesh, and not the master of it.
As a Satanist my intentions are to challenge myself and grow. Indeed, one of the many other titles I give to the entity and force that I call Ha-Satan is "Propagator of Progression" and "Hand of Creation". It seems that of late I have only been concerned with his one title, "Blade of Destruction", which has caused my problem. I often justified this by saying that "Creation and Destruction are just the same force, change, used in different directions" as justification, but failed to realize that this didn't take into effect how said force of change was being applied. If the same force can destroy and create, you better be damn sure that you know which way it is pointing, because if you are not self-aware of yourself you can end up with the exact opposite of the intended result, and that seems to have happened to me.
A number of days ago, I was doing some magic(k)al work with a mirror and trying to connect to whatever might be out there, and I swear that Satan spoke to me... if not for a few seconds. Or was it my sub-conscious, or a "Higher Guardian Angel"? I don't know specifically which point was speaking but Satan is the source regardless as he resides in our very souls as little divine bits of life...
And so Satan spoke to me, and he told me what my problem was; that I need to learn to love myself. And he's right. I'm so fraught looking for unconditional love and validation that I do not realize that so-long as I love myself, I will be okay. I thought I loved myself, but it turned out that I was forgetting the part about progress. I was too hedonistic, I was caught into not loving myself, but being blind to my problems, and looking for empty pleasure. I didn't realize that to love myself, to truly love myself, I needed to be fully honest. I was in denial that I am depressed, and that my Bipolar is crippling me. That I am anxious around people, and that I am a slave to the mania and depression cycles, the fear, and the abuse and pain I suffered when I was a kid. I came to realize that I need to swallow my pride and just admit: "I need help".
Then I wrote that topic, about what to do on the anniversary of my admission of Satanism... and all you guys jumped in, and some things said there got me thinking. That night though, I was thinking over what all was said and my earlier realization in the week, and so a song came into my head and I put it on my music player and I laid in the dark on my bed. I put the song on repeat, and as my mind started to wind-down the song played for the second time and it spoke to me in an almost divine way. I never consciously noticed it before, but before the first stanza there is a little whispered bit that goes:
"If you do this, if you do this. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try again. If you do this, you'll never have a chance to try."
I was thinking "holy crap!" and felt like a chill go over me. For anything you guys told me, this eerie moment made it sink in. The people I would of declared my beliefs too know where I live, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was a slow news day and our main local news station took the story. (If you are not familiar with the other topic don't bother asking). Then I was like.. in this surreal state of hyper hearing where all the little nuances in the music was so clear, so vivid and detailed, that I could detect the smallest variations that would escape me otherwise. I have had these moments before in half-asleep states, but the song in question that I was listening to when falling asleep never had any significance... this time it did, and even though not all the words coincided with my experiences the essence of the message and idea behind the song spelled out my situation.
God loves all his creations, but not in the way that people think. He doesn't hold our hands, and can't help people who won't help themselves. He respects our autonomy to make our own decisions. But at the same time, Satan is a mentor, and if we ask, he will point us in the right direction. He may give you a heading, but it's up to you to actually walk your two feet in that direction even if there is no clear path to that goal. And at that, there is only a path if lots of people have walked on that ground, and it will only lead you to where they have gone and not where you might want to go. Why walk a path of the Left or Right when neither paths take you to where you want to go? I don't even know where the Right Hand or Left Hand Paths go, I just want to be whole and get better. Satan is the only god that has ever told me the next heading, and is also the only god to ever shown me the significance of how the last heading lead to my new heading, and even dared as give me a small hint of the heading after this one. Before... it was just all mass-chaos and I was told to take it on a chance that the direction I was given would take me where I needed to go... only with Satan have I ever felt I was on the way I should be going. I am sick, and until I can reach a stable relatively stable point I can't be here, I don't want to risk hurting more people or worse, getting banned and losing all my friends here.
I know this cycle, and I have seen it before. I'm at the stage at which I feel comfortable enough to try and get validation from others at any expense, and that's the scary part. The fact that I have said some of the things I have means that I might accelerate. For my own good, I need to not come back to the religious forums until I can learn to love myself at least enough to not seek for validation from any outlet that will take it.
So I am sorry, for everything I have done or said. And I'm sorry that I must go. If Satan is truly the essence of life, then through religion as a tool, I can reach a better and more stable point in my life. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor today, and am seeing him tomorrow to speak about all this, and how I might find a way to get better, and to connect me with the resources I need.
And So I will set out, and go now. But before I leave you, I have this to share with you, the song that made me come to for a second time realize where I need to go. It's been one heck of a week for me spiritually.. and it's only three hours into Thursday...
[youtube]Ej4uAtX7SCE[/youtube]
Otep-Perfectly Flawed - YouTube
Hail Satan, Hail Leviathan, and Dark Blessings.
P.S. I might be tempted to drop into the Ajax Chat, so don't be surprised if you see me there. I still swear that I won't come to the forums until I am well despite that.
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