How do I teach my child?

[Shoo]

Hello everyone,
I'm brand new here, and probably should have made my first post on the introductions thread, but I wanted to get right to my problem. I hope someone here can offer me some guidance. I don't know what to do.

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her extended family, the only family within 90 miles of us, is Christian. My daughter spends quite a lot of time with them, and they have taken it upon themselves to teach her Christianity. Not just teach her, but make her believe what they believe. She comes home espousing the Christian viewpoint, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I fear it is just a matter of time before she announces that I will burn in hell for not believing.

I have tried to explain to her that people believe different things. Just because they tell her something, or someone at their church tells her something, does not make it true. I've told her that I do not believe the same things they do, but she argues with me! Their faith is very strong, and part of their "mission" is to save her (from me, I suspect).

Short of cutting these people out of our lives, which would be impossible, what can I do? There isn't a New Age church anywhere near me. And honestly, my beliefs and thoughts are also evolving and forming constantly. For me, there is no right answer to any question. I just want her to think for herself.

How have you dealt with this? I'm becoming worried.

Thanks,
Shoo

 

[Green Gaia]

First of all, hello and welcome to RF!

Have you asked your family to respect your beliefs and to leave how to raise your child in a religion (or not) up to you? Are they aware of your differing beliefs? If you asked them to stop teaching her, do you think they would?

Is there a Unitarian Universalist church near you? Most will have a "new age" group and/or a pagan group within the church that you might enjoy. And UUs are big on thinking for ourselves and teaching our children to do the same.

 

[Fluffy]

Tell her you completely respect and tolerate her beliefs despite the fact that these very beliefs condemn you.

Personally, I would cut her off from these people. I would not want anyone preaching intolerance to my impressionable 5 year old especially if it undermined my ability to guide her away from intolerance. It sounds like these people are driving a wedge between you and your daughter.

Alternatively talk to them and say that you feel that whilst you can respect and understand what they are trying to do, they are infact turning your daughter against you and this will, in turn, break up a family. Ask them if this is what they truly want and then ask if, when your daughter is older, it would not still be possible for her to convert to Christianity if she wished? Therefore what is the rush?

 

[Sunstone]

Welcome to the Forum!

Don't forget your sense of humor in dealing with this. If you can approach this problem with a sense of humor, you'll feel better and so will your child about what you're teaching her.

 

[Shoo]

I appreciate the advice. To complicate things, the extended family I have referred to consists of my husband's daughter (my daughter's half-sister, who visits us every other weekend), her two brothers, and her mother and step-father. Confused yet?

We have always had a close relationship with this family. I know it's unusual for ex-spouses to be friends, but my husband and his ex-wife have done an amazing job of mending fences for the sake of the children. They are the only family we have here, and we are the only family they have here as well. So we depend on each other quite a bit.

It's not really possible to just cut them out of our lives. My step-daughter will always be in the picture. I suppose I could say that my daughter can't have overnight visits there anymore. But she really enjoys going, and it's nice for my husband and I to have alone time every now and then.

So I guess that just leaves talking to them about it. I have mentioned to them before than I'm not a Christian. Not sure it sunk in. Another problem is that my husband isn't exactly a Christian, but he hasn't ever defined for me what he believes exactly. He says he's a reformed Catholic, whatever that is. He believes in God. Well, so do I. He isn't very open about it.

So it's up to me to guide my daughter spiritually. I hate having competition, and I know it's going to be awkward bringing it up to them. They're good people. I've got a feeling they're going to tell me that when/if my daughter is at their home, she'll learn Christianity whether I like it or not. The alternative will be that she can't go there anymore. That's what I'm afraid of.

Sigh.

Just venting now, mainly. Thanks again for your help.

Shoo

 

[michel]

Hello everyone,
I'm brand new here, and probably should have made my first post on the introductions thread, but I wanted to get right to my problem. I hope someone here can offer me some guidance. I don't know what to do.

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her extended family, the only family within 90 miles of us, is Christian. My daughter spends quite a lot of time with them, and they have taken it upon themselves to teach her Christianity. Not just teach her, but make her believe what they believe. She comes home espousing the Christian viewpoint, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I fear it is just a matter of time before she announces that I will burn in hell for not believing.

I have tried to explain to her that people believe different things. Just because they tell her something, or someone at their church tells her something, does not make it true. I've told her that I do not believe the same things they do, but she argues with me! Their faith is very strong, and part of their "mission" is to save her (from me, I suspect).

Short of cutting these people out of our lives, which would be impossible, what can I do? There isn't a New Age church anywhere near me. And honestly, my beliefs and thoughts are also evolving and forming constantly. For me, there is no right answer to any question. I just want her to think for herself.

How have you dealt with this? I'm becoming worried.

Thanks,
Shoo

I would explain, as you did, that every individual has to make his/her own mind up about what they believe, but obviously, you will need to reinforce the idea. I would be tempted to show her - for example - a list of all the religions you can think of, and ask her if she believes all the other people can be evil and will burn in hell.

This obviously difficult for you, and the worst thing you could do would be to let her know you belive she is being indoctrinated; perhaps just to explain that some people get 'over-enthusiastic' about religion, andd that she should try to seem inrterested, but try to be open minded, and try to think for herself. Not easy, but Children can sometimes be quite surprisingly wise and insightful............

I feel for you; it can't be easy for you......

and now, I need to welcome you to the forum; even if the subject of your post makes it feel a bit innapropriate........

Please feel free to ask questions, if you have any, and to check out our article with links for our newer members; there is also a link to the forum rules which you ought to look at.

I do hope you find a way of dealing with this that will satisfy your conscience, and let you feel you are doing the best for her; in reality, all you can do is to love her as much as you can...........

 

[jeffrey]

^Agree with... And welcome to the forums!

 

[Fluffy]

Shoo, it sounds like a very tricky situation. However, if they are good people, and you explain to them that you feel that your child will become hostile to you if they continue to do whatever it is that they are doing, then they will likely come around.

How about offering a compromise like telling her stuff along the lines of "Love your neighbour as thy self" but leaving out items such as "those who do not believe in God will go to hell". Tell them you don't believe it is suitable for a child and would prefer her to see God in the best light or something like that.

 

[Isabella Lecour]

I've told her that I do not believe the same things they do, but she argues with me! Their faith is very strong, and part of their "mission" is to save her (from me, I suspect).
::SNIP::
I just want her to think for herself.

How have you dealt with this? I'm becoming worried.

Thanks,
Shoo

My husband's parants raised their family under non-religious ideals. My husband's grandmother is a devout Christian and a good part of his childhood was spent going to church with Gram. And I suspect my religious leanings are not spoken of much in the family anyway. The point being, that his parants constantly reinforced the idea of many belifes and many religions with tollerence being a focal point. They valued a person for what they were more than what religion they belonged to. In doing so, my husband didn't even blink when I came out of my closet.

What bothers me, being near midnight and nearly asleep reading this, is that your daughter argues with you. Not from a religious point of view but from a parential point of view. What does a five year old have to argue from on religion with an adult? More to the point, what is it that's she's argueing with you about, and how much of it is indocterinated from the extended family? About the only Christian indoctriantion I remember at that age was singing "Jesus loves Me" and performing Chrismass Nativity play with "Slient Night, Holy Night" on stage for the church.

About wanting your daughter to think for herself will require some training in asking and evaluating answers. Teach her to ask any question and to answer it herself and then take that same question to an "authority/extend family" and compare responces. Personaly I don't think it's suited for five year olds but more like seven and eight, but if she's argureing well it's time to learn to defend her arguements.

I don't like to fight fire with fire but with the extended family they might need a reminder that their teachings are preventing your daughter from "honuring her mother" and is a causing her to pick up their "assumed" offence to your religous views.

All in all, children are very impressionable and a lot like sponges. My only concerns would be if argureing with you becomes encouraged and ingrained. Perhaps exposure to different religious centers and customs is in order to show the truth that there are different belifes out there in the world. And some serious mom and daughter time as well, a stronger bond is harder to break.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your daughter.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I would talk it over with them.
Or you could find a New Age, Pagan, or any other open minded group. www.witchvox.com has a list of some groups, maybe thier are some in your area. The PAK, a Pagan group I'm somewhat involved with, meets in a U.U. church. Sometimes you have to look in places you'd never think of to find what your looking for.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

If you can find a UU church, I'd definitely take her there. Their appeal to tolerance will help you and your daughter be able to feel supported while teaching your daughter that she need not feel conflicted about the two faiths. Tell her you'll support her in whatever she believes, too!

 

[Darkdale]

I have a 5 year old daughter. Her extended family, the only family within 90 miles of us, is Christian. My daughter spends quite a lot of time with them, and they have taken it upon themselves to teach her Christianity. Not just teach her, but make her believe what they believe. She comes home espousing the Christian viewpoint, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I fear it is just a matter of time before she announces that I will burn in hell for not believing.

I would avoid UU churches if I were you. But, I would try to include your child in your own religious practice, but ultimately, show your child unconditional love, because whether pagan, heathen, christian, muslim or jew, the unconditional love of our children is paramount.

My parents are Christian, I'm Heathen. They've told me that I'm going to burn in hell. But there is NO DOUBT in my mind that they love me. I think they are arrogant and intolerant, and they have no doubt in their minds that I love them to death!

Just curious, what religion are you?

 

[Buttons*]

welcome to RF!

 

[soma]

It takes time to believe and accept the unifying force in one God and for the undesirable experiences accumulated to gradually disappear. We are either for or against unity so for something new to be born we need to pass from a sense of being isolated into a realization of oneness with everything.
Fundamental Christians are usually against unity so preach against unity in a very strong voice. The book on the site below is for adults, but it explains the unity of all things using Christian terminology. The philosophy in the book should counter-act the negativity projected from narrow minded Chrititians.
http://thinkunity.com

 

[Evenstar]

I would have to tell them to keep their noses out.... sounds harsh but the only way.

 

[linwood]

Have you asked your family to respect your beliefs and to leave how to raise your child in a religion (or not) up to you?

Personally, I would cut her off from these people. I would not want anyone preaching intolerance to my impressionable 5 year old especially if it undermined my ability to guide her away from intolerance. It sounds like these people are driving a wedge between you and your daughter.

yes and yes.

If these people will not stop their indoctrination of your child you cannot allow them to be alone with her....ever.

Please speak with them so they will know you are serious.

Do not allow this to continue, stop it now, this minute.
You have no idea the problems and troubles you will have if you don`t.

They're good people. I've got a feeling they're going to tell me that when/if my daughter is at their home, she'll learn Christianity whether I like it or not. The alternative will be that she can't go there anymore.

Then take that opportunity.
The arrogance of someone who would get between a parent and their child in such a manner isn`t someone who I would allow near my child anyway.

I am an atheist, as an atheist having atheist friends I can tell you no good will come from allowing these people access to your child if they continue to indoctrinate her.
I can also tell you that even if they agree to stop the practice they most likely will continue to do so behind your back.

 

[jeffrey]

Seeing the op posted this a month ago, has only 2 posts, and has not been back to post since then....

 

[nightwolf]

A young child is at a real value developing age. The things about church that children like is it is made fun for them. I think what is going on can be a good thing. When I was a child the only thing I had was church, no one telling me about anything else. You could show your child about the fun things about what you believe. Like lets take nature for example, alot of religions center around nature and you can show your child how it's fun to play in the rain/snow and why and how the natural event effects you spiritually. Make what you believe fun for the child. Thats what they see in church. If you take away christains then your child might ask later in years why they never heard of it and resent you if thats what they choose to believe. Religion is all about choices and you show your child what you believe and make it fun and they will become interested. Don't make a religious "tug of war" over it, your child even though young can make choices.

 

[Shoo]

A young child is at a real value developing age. The things about church that children like is it is made fun for them. I think what is going on can be a good thing. When I was a child the only thing I had was church, no one telling me about anything else. You could show your child about the fun things about what you believe. Like lets take nature for example, alot of religions center around nature and you can show your child how it's fun to play in the rain/snow and why and how the natural event effects you spiritually. Make what you believe fun for the child. Thats what they see in church. If you take away christains then your child might ask later in years why they never heard of it and resent you if thats what they choose to believe. Religion is all about choices and you show your child what you believe and make it fun and they will become interested. Don't make a religious "tug of war" over it, your child even though young can make choices.

This is so true. Thank you. I've taken some of your advice and have tried to begin talking to my daughter about the different beliefs that people have, including her "other" family. I really want her to understand that just because they "say so" doesn't necessarily make it true, and that she should be open to what I tell her too. She shuts down and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it.

These people have been able to make her believe that their way is the way it should be. I don't know how they did it, as she hasn't spent *that* much time over there, but she has been to their church a few times and I think she had fun. I'm approaching the whole thing gently with her, as I definitely don't want it to become a tug 'o war. I guess I feel hurt that, to her, my words and feelings don't seem to carry as much weight as theirs. I feel slightly insulted. This is hard.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Shoo]

Seeing the op posted this a month ago, has only 2 posts, and has not been back to post since then....

Quite sorry about that. When this whole thing started "hitting the fan" so to speak, we were in the process of selling our house and buying another. We've been moving and unpacking, and settling into life in a new place. I apologize for seeming to not care about all the terrific responses to my questions. I am truly appreciative that anyone has taken the time to help me figure this out.