Fearing losing my Hinduism

[Jainarayan]

I went to the temple for the first time in months, if not over a year, just 2-3 months ago. Haven’t been since then. From where I live now it’s twice the travel time from where I lived before. The work schedules I’ve had are no help. I thought about going today, being a double bonus of a Sunday (I think it’s Sunday), and a holiday. Temple is open all day but I’m dragging my butt from work this past week.

I do not do my full puja as I used to do. I barely go to my shrine to greet the deities, maybe I do a very pitifully and pitiable 5 minute puja. I know He accepts any form of sincere devotion, even thought, and I believe I am sincere even with my pitifully and pitiable 5 minute puja but that’s not the point. I know the benefit is not for Him, the benefit is for me, to keep me grounded and mindful. It’s funny though that when I’m by the shrine, everything else is blocked out. Maybe there is some energy surrounding it!

I am angry, with everyone and everything especially my husband. I should not have to work the pissant jobs I’ve had to since I lost my job in the covid lockdowns. But despite my pleading, harangues, diatribes, begging, logical explanations, to stop spending money, he pissed away what income we had from my severance, unemployment benefits and government supplements. He has obsessive compulsive tendencies and an addictive personality.

So now I am working pissant jobs to pay bills that are always behind. I am very angry. I am very angry at how these pissant jobs treat workers. I am autistic and do not blend well with retail (I quit the supermarket deli and went back to Macy*s but at least the hours are better). But retail is largely all there is these days. I suppose all these feelings would go away if I had a job I liked.

So why is this whining in the Hindu forum? Well, as the title says, I’m afraid I’m losing my Hinduism. I don’t keep fasts or festivals. I can’t tell you what is on the calendar, or when. This is something I held to dearly. It kept me feeling alive. Now I pray that He tells me what to do. I pray Ganesha that He gives me wisdom to see past all this. But it’s not working.

So yeah, I fear I’m lapsing. That’s all, carry on.

 

[SomeRandom]

I feel like you need this

 

[Jainarayan]

I feel like you need this

View attachment 69833

Thank you … yes, I need something. That’s a start.

 

[SomeRandom]

Thank you … yes, I need something. That’s a start.

If you feel like you’re losing your way, so to speak.
Maybe taking some time to meditate might be helpful?
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by the world and it’s okay not to always keep abreast of our festivals and whatnot.

My mother had a similar experience just after dad died. She had to find work after living as a housewife for so long. Not that she was uneducated or anything like that. My mum is intelligent and extremely independent minded. But she was still a widow, an immigrant and supporting a teenager still at school. Someone too young to legally work even. So she had to pay the bills all by herself. On top of our collective grief. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she was on the verge of giving it all up. For months, she seemingly didn’t want to perform puja.
Her employer was unkind and treated her like crap. She fought back of course. But at the time it all just seemed to be piling up.

But as a Bollywood song once said (sang?) Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham
Sometimes happiness, sometimes sadness.
That’s life, unfortunately.

I’m gunning for you, mate

 

[Jainarayan]

If you feel like you’re losing your way, so to speak.
Maybe taking some time to meditate might be helpful?
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by the world and it’s okay not to always keep abreast of our festivals and whatnot.

My mother had a similar experience just after dad died. She had to find work after living as a housewife for so long. Not that she was uneducated or anything like that. My mum is intelligent and extremely independent minded. But she was still a widow, an immigrant and supporting a teenager still at school. Someone too young to legally work even. So she had to pay the bills all by herself. On top of our collective grief. I didn’t realise it at the time, but she was on the verge of giving it all up. For months, she seemingly didn’t want to perform puja.
Her employer was unkind and treated her like crap. She fought back of course. But at the time it all just seemed to be piling up.

But as a Bollywood song once said (sang?) Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham
Sometimes happiness, sometimes sadness.
That’s life, unfortunately.

I’m gunning for you, mate

Thanks. It will probably pass, as all things do. I think right now I’m trying to find my way through all of it. Losing my job the way I did was a shock. It may have even contributed to my developing a stutter. After 2 1/2 years I’m still struggling with it all. I haven’t given up faith, the gods have been good to me. I like to believe they’ve kept me afloat. I don’t expect more from them. I just feel like I’m not returning anything to them.

 

[SomeRandom]

Thanks. It will probably pass, as all things do. I think right now I’m trying to find my way through all of it. Losing my job the way I did was a shock. It may have even contributed to my developing a stutter. After 2 1/2 years I’m still struggling with it all. I haven’t given up faith, the gods have been good to me. I like to believe they’ve kept me afloat. I don’t expect more from them. I just feel like I’m not returning anything to them.

Sorry to hear about your struggles.
It can be very overwhelming and angering.
Maybe try to take some “you time” when you can. Even if it’s five minutes.
Have a relaxing bubble bath or walk through a park or read a fun book. Something relaxing and that you can enjoy. That can do wonders for our mental health during stressful times.

As to not giving anything back to the gods. Well.
They do not require anything from us. You’re not being a “bad Hindu”
We all do what we can and sometimes that’s not as much as we used to. Such is life, I guess

 

[Jainarayan]

Sorry to hear about your struggles.
It can be very overwhelming and angering.
Maybe try to take some “you time” when you can. Even if it’s five minutes.
Have a relaxing bubble bath or walk through a park or read a fun book. Something relaxing and that you can enjoy. That can do wonders for our mental health during stressful times.

As to not giving anything back to the gods. Well.
They do not require anything from us. You’re not being a “bad Hindu”
We all do what we can and sometimes that’s not as much as we used to. Such is life, I guess

You are so right. I need to take some me time. I’ve been “wasting time” today, but as John Lennon said “time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time”. I’m going to take a hot shower, do a small aarati (just the plate with a lamp, flowers, rice, incense, the aarati song), then play some guitar.

 

[Vinayaka]

You are so right. I need to take some me time. I’ve been “wasting time” today, but as John Lennon said “time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time”. I’m going to take a hot shower, do a small aarati (just the plate with a lamp, flowers, rice, incense, the aarati song), then play some guitar.

Aum. What's the hurry? We have lifetimes. Most of us have likely taken entire lifetimes off, if not 2 or 3 strung together. Deep inside, we know that. We also know that the sojourn on this planet has its inevitable ups and downs. 'You' are not you, you're the atman, the soul, temporarily separated from God. That 'you' sees it for what it is.
I can't think of anyone I know from this lifetime that hasn't had ups and downs, moments of despair. I once had a 7 to 8 year respite myself ... no temple, no shrine, no pilgrimage, and worse ... poor health, I started smoking, I lost my job from nervous breakdown. But that too did pass, as this will for you.
From the Tirukkural ... "One of life's greatest follies is to view the temporal as permanent."

Best wishes.

 

[Jainarayan]

True, it’s not a sprint it’s a marathon. I’ve never felt like this before so it’s a bit of a shock. Having found something I love I fear losing it. But I think as long as I have that ember of faith burning, and I truly do, the fire will never die. I think what I’m attached to, and it is attachment, is the externals. My beliefs and faith are not in jeopardy just my practice.

 

[Vinayaka]

True, it’s not a sprint it’s a marathon. I’ve never felt like this before so it’s a bit of a shock. Having found something I love I fear losing it. But I think as long as I have that ember of faith burning, and I truly do, the fire will never die. I think what I’m attached to, and it is attachment, is the externals. My beliefs and faith are not in jeopardy just my practice.

You may feel you lost them, but they WILL never feel they lost you, because that's outside of what they can do. That's why so many searchers feel the call.

 

[JustGeorge]

I can't always show devotion how I'd like, so I've had to show devotion as I can...

Its hard to get to a temple, both with the kids and distance. My puja room's been under construction for months now... heck, the whole of the house has been under some kind of construction for as long as I can remember. The kids are difficult some days and wear me out. Even before the puja room was down, there were spurts when I was just too exhausted to do much else other than requirements of daily life...

So, I do what I can, when I can. I woke up the other night, seeing a sliver of the moon in a blackened sky, and thought instantly of Shiva's shining hair, and felt peace. Sometimes when I clean my kitchen, I'll set the computer in there and listen to bhajans, even if its only for ten minutes. I'll notice things that happen throughout the day, and wonder if Krishna's pulling my leg on some of them. My youngest's favorite book is called Meet My Hindu Gods, and we read that most days.

The best way to worship sometimes is simply to perform dharma, especially if that's all one has time for, I feel.

 

[Jainarayan]

Y'know, I haven't listened to my bhajans in a long time since I discovered a new music genre (CBGB: Country Bluegrass Blues,
Americana, "Outlaw Country") and have been listening to that. I think it's time to start playing the bhajans again. I did start making a guitar arrangement of gurur brahmā gurur viṣṇu ... and govindam adi puruṣam. Maybe I'll work on them some more... now, because I'm playing a bit now.

 

[ajay0]

Jainarayan, you can see that adversities has affected your mind and agitated it.

As the Bhagavad Gita says, equanimity of mind is yoga.

It also brings auspiciousness in its wake as I stated in this thread of mine...

On the nature of auspiciousness...

Mental agitation accompanies inauspiciousness.

Resolve to make your mind equanimous in all situations and circumstances, do your homework on it, and take up these adversities as challenges to your ideal state of mind.

Adversities can be seen as challenges and opportunities for austerities which further strengthens oneself. You gain the strength of that which you overcome.

Along with mental equanimity and strength, maintain a positive, cheerful attitude ( manaḥ-prasādaḥ) as mentioned in gita. (BG:17:16)

Mental agitation and negativity are signs of inauspiciousness and weakness, and you need to perform your inner work or austerities of cleaning them up. It is easy to be negative and mentally agitated and hard to be positive and mentally equanimous, just as it is easy to lose and hard to win and succeed. Everything has its price.

Resolve to purify your consciousness of all defilements through these austerities and you will find your circumstances becoming more favorable.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Unless your core worldview has changed, I don’t equate lapsing in Bhakti with losing Hinduism.

Your focus on devotion will ebb and flow with the the degree of agitation and distraction in your life.

Practice what you can, when you can. As @Vinayaka alluded to, it’s not a race to moksha. Judging yourself for not doing your yoga is only exacerbating your current turmoil.

Accept the karma with grace and enjoy the experience.

 

[Jainarayan]

Jainarayan, you can see that adversities has affected your mind and agitated it.

As the Bhagavad Gita says, equanimity of mind is yoga.

It also brings auspiciousness in its wake as I stated in this thread of mine...

On the nature of auspiciousness...

Mental agitation accompanies inauspiciousness.

Resolve to make your mind equanimous in all situations and circumstances, do your homework on it, and take up these adversities as challenges to your ideal state of mind.

Adversities can be seen as challenges and opportunities for austerities which further strengthens oneself. You gain the strength of that which you overcome.

Along with mental equanimity and strength, maintain a positive, cheerful attitude ( manaḥ-prasādaḥ) as mentioned in gita. (BG:17:16)

Mental agitation and negativity are signs of inauspiciousness and weakness, and you need to perform your inner work or austerities of cleaning them up. It is easy to be negative and mentally agitated and hard to be positive and mentally equanimous, just as it is easy to lose and hard to win and succeed. Everything has its price.

Resolve to purify your consciousness of all defilements through these austerities and you will find your circumstances becoming more favorable.

I have completely forgotten BG 12.13-19. I think I'm going to print out those verses, carry them with me and read them often, as well as 3.9. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[Jainarayan]

Unless your core worldview has changed, I don’t equate lapsing in Bhakti with losing Hinduism.

Your focus on devotion will ebb and flow with the the degree of agitation and distraction in your life.

Practice what you can, when you can. As @Vinayaka alluded to, it’s not a race to moksha. Judging yourself for not doing your yoga is only exacerbating your current turmoil.

Accept the karma with grace and enjoy the experience.

All true. I may be overthinking and "overworrying" as I'm prone to do. As I said, it's not my faith or devotion that's lacking ... I like to believe that is strong ... it's the externals, the practicing I'm lacking. I pray often, that is, conversing with Krishna, and other deities. And they do answer in one way or another, not verbally or with voices, but with flashes of inspiration or that I realize or understand something.

 

[Laddu1]

You mentioned you are learning govindam adi purusham on the guitar. Now I know this might be too iskcon-like, but you could play a recording of govindam adi purusham and just stand and look at your deities, what they call a "deity greeting". You can do that with kids too, since it's a nice and catchy melody. It only takes a few minutes too. Not sure if this is helpful but I thought I would mention it

 

[Jainarayan]

You mentioned you are learning govindam adi purusham on the guitar. Now I know this might be too iskcon-like, but you could play a recording of govindam adi purusham and just stand and look at your deities, what they call a "deity greeting". You can do that with kids too, since it's a nice and catchy melody. It only takes a few minutes too. Not sure if this is helpful but I thought I would mention it

I did make a YouTube video of it I dedicated to Sri Krishna.

I'm not the best singer or guitarist in the world but I love it. I could have played a little faster and more upbeat but it is in a minor key (ŚRĪ GURVAŚTAKAM arranged by George Harrison is in C minor ... GH had a thing for Cm ... and brings me to tears hearing it, for reasons going back to this thread). But what with BG 9.26 and all, so, y'know ... I'm sure He liked it. He might have even put it on His refrigerator the way parents put their 5-year old's pictures on the refrigerator.

I do something similar to your suggestion. My aarati consists of waving an aarati tray in front of Him and singing om jaya jagadisha hare. This is my actual tray. I try to have at least one fresh flower. If no flowers I go look for a pretty leaf.



Just for example of the "down" sound of a minor key. Paradoxically the hymn is very joyful. I don't know why he chose minor keys but now I'm really digressing (I've been trying to work out the chords ).

 

[Laddu1]

I did make a YouTube video of it I dedicated to Sri Krishna.

I'm not the best singer or guitarist in the world but I love it. I could have played a little faster and more upbeat but it is in a minor key (ŚRĪ GURVAŚTAKAM arranged by George Harrison is in C minor ... GH had a thing for Cm ... and brings me to tears hearing it, for reasons going back to this thread). But what with BG 9.26 and all, so, y'know ... I'm sure He liked it. He might have even put it on His refrigerator the way parents put their 5-year old's pictures on the refrigerator.

I do something similar to your suggestion. My aarati consists of waving an aarati tray in front of Him and singing om jaya jagadisha hare. This is my actual tray. I try to have at least one fresh flower. If no flowers I go look for a pretty leaf.

View attachment 69869

Just for example of the "down" sound of a minor key. Paradoxically the hymn is very joyful. I don't know why he chose minor keys but now I'm really digressing (I've been trying to work out the chords ).

Awww this is beautiful!!! And you puja tray is absolutely gorgeous!

 

[Jainarayan]

Awww this is beautiful!!! And you puja tray is absolutely gorgeous!

Thank you.