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Fearing losing my Hinduism

Viraja

Jaya Jagannatha!
@Jainarayan ji,

Late to reply to this thread. Nevertheless.....

You've been an inspiration for Krishna bhakti to me, in which you are my super-senior. Many times I used to like your replies as they showed me your true feelings towards Krishna.

It is a pity you don't have the time to practice, however I want to remind you that sadhana and practice are extremely important to retain the bhakti. It is so hard to acquire bhakti, kindly devote a little time each day without fail to keep the flame alive!

I do not wish to advise but based on my experience, sharing the wisdom. What I meant about your Krishna prema is genuine. Best wishes.
 

Jainarayan

ॐ नमो भगवते वासुदेवाय
Staff member
Premium Member
Thanks, I appreciate it. I’m on medical leave from work (my back) so I should be able to stop wasting time and get back to my practices. I have time during the day to go to temple. The only thing holding me back is I live further away now than I did previously. But even once or twice a week should be an inspiration for me.
 

sayak83

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
I went to the temple for the first time in months, if not over a year, just 2-3 months ago. Haven’t been since then. From where I live now it’s twice the travel time from where I lived before. The work schedules I’ve had are no help. I thought about going today, being a double bonus of a Sunday (I think it’s Sunday), and a holiday. Temple is open all day but I’m dragging my butt from work this past week.

I do not do my full puja as I used to do. I barely go to my shrine to greet the deities, maybe I do a very pitifully and pitiable 5 minute puja. I know He accepts any form of sincere devotion, even thought, and I believe I am sincere even with my pitifully and pitiable 5 minute puja but that’s not the point. I know the benefit is not for Him, the benefit is for me, to keep me grounded and mindful. It’s funny though that when I’m by the shrine, everything else is blocked out. Maybe there is some energy surrounding it! :)

I am angry, with everyone and everything especially my husband. I should not have to work the pissant jobs I’ve had to since I lost my job in the covid lockdowns. But despite my pleading, harangues, diatribes, begging, logical explanations, to stop spending money, he pissed away what income we had from my severance, unemployment benefits and government supplements. He has obsessive compulsive tendencies and an addictive personality.

So now I am working pissant jobs to pay bills that are always behind. I am very angry. I am very angry at how these pissant jobs treat workers. I am autistic and do not blend well with retail (I quit the supermarket deli and went back to Macy*s :rolleyes: but at least the hours are better). But retail is largely all there is these days. I suppose all these feelings would go away if I had a job I liked. :shrug:

So why is this whining in the Hindu forum? Well, as the title says, I’m afraid I’m losing my Hinduism. :persevere: I don’t keep fasts or festivals. I can’t tell you what is on the calendar, or when. This is something I held to dearly. It kept me feeling alive. Now I pray that He tells me what to do. I pray Ganesha that He gives me wisdom to see past all this. But it’s not working.

So yeah, I fear I’m lapsing. :( That’s all, carry on.
I have found from experience that when life brings you down and all that is around seems like pointless drudgery in the darkness, the best way to go out of it is to resolve to take up a new project that interests you and resolve to spend 10-15 minutes every day on it. As you are a believer, it would be better to sanctify this resolve in the presence of your Ishta Devata and say that whatever is the outcome of this project or work is dedicated as an offering to your Ishta. It can be a painting (if you like to paint), a reading of a specific scripture carefully with notes (if you like reading), making a new hand-made shrine (if you are interested in that), raising a potted plant ....anything that you like and has a constructive side to it. Give 23.5 hours in the drudgery of the world, but keep that 0.5 hours of each day for you, the action that you have chosen to dedicate to God, and the experience of performing that action with a devoted mind.
 

Jainarayan

ॐ नमो भगवते वासुदेवाय
Staff member
Premium Member
I have found from experience that when life brings you down and all that is around seems like pointless drudgery in the darkness, the best way to go out of it is to resolve to take up a new project that interests you and resolve to spend 10-15 minutes every day on it. As you are a believer, it would be better to sanctify this resolve in the presence of your Ishta Devata and say that whatever is the outcome of this project or work is dedicated as an offering to your Ishta. It can be a painting (if you like to paint), a reading of a specific scripture carefully with notes (if you like reading), making a new hand-made shrine (if you are interested in that), raising a potted plant ....anything that you like and has a constructive side to it. Give 23.5 hours in the drudgery of the world, but keep that 0.5 hours of each day for you, the action that you have chosen to dedicate to God, and the experience of performing that action with a devoted mind.

I'm glad you brought that up, because it made me realize I do do those things. Hmm! I just don't think of it that way: offering it to God.
Work must be done as an offering to the Supreme Lord; otherwise, work causes bondage in this material world. Therefore ... for the satisfaction of God, perform your prescribed duties, without being attached to the results. BG 3.9

My guitar playing (and learning) is dedicated to Saraswati. I once gave it all up, literally throwing my guitars in the dumpster (yeah, seriously o_O), but three years ago I made a resolve to start again, and She has been helping me. I've greatly improved. I have small statues of Ganesha and Saraswati on my desk. When I start playing or practicing I light a small deepa, incense, and I pray to Them (oṁ śuklāmbaradharam viśṇum ... and
oṁ sarasvatī namastubhyaṃ varade kāmarūpiṇī ... ). I think She's happy about my attitude adjustment.

I've still been feeling a certain "distance" and a feeling He's not there. I think I know the reason: I'm pushing Him away. I do daily puja but I do it without the right bhava. Certain behaviors, attitudes and thoughts are making me feel embarrassed and ashamed, so I've been distancing myself. I know what to do to change these behaviors, attitudes and thoughts, and I'm resolving to do it. I don't like myself very much for what has happened.

So, I think therein lies my issue. I think He finally answered my question "Lord, what is wrong with me?"
 

JustGeorge

Not As Much Fun As I Look
Staff member
Premium Member
I've still been feeling a certain "distance" and a feeling He's not there. I think I know the reason: I'm pushing Him away. I do daily puja but I do it without the right bhava. Certain behaviors, attitudes and thoughts are making me feel embarrassed and ashamed, so I've been distancing myself. I know what to do to change these behaviors, attitudes and thoughts, and I'm resolving to do it. I don't like myself very much for what has happened.

So, I think therein lies my issue. I think He finally answered my question "Lord, what is wrong with me?"
I do that, too... in my mind, I don't feel good enough to approach Him at times... so I don't.

And that's probably the wrong attitude to have...
 
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Jainarayan

ॐ नमो भगवते वासुदेवाय
Staff member
Premium Member
I do that, too... in my mind, I don't feel good enough to approve Him at times... so I don't.

And that's probably the wrong attitude to have...

That's exactly what I'm thinking now, and you're right that it's the wrong attitude.
 

JustGeorge

Not As Much Fun As I Look
Staff member
Premium Member
We are all humans. We all have our chinks. Has the deity (whomever you worship) put any condition as to who can approach him/her?
Go to your deity as you are.
No, I don't think He has...

I thought about this some yesterday, and realized Krishna would probably chuckle at me for feeling unworthy over the consumption of a jelly doughnut(just for an example)...
 
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